ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Chuckercanuck will be on holildays for the next week. Talk nice to each other.

Meanwhile, here are a few good summer topics to keep you busy. I expect you to address all of them before I get back!

Topic 1. Summer Reading

Sub-Topic A. Recommendations. I finished Hemingway's Torrents of Spring in a day = its 100 pages if you use a big font. I recommend it highly. The story is a terrific whopper and the telling is very funny. Perhaps not as funny as the book cover suggests but I'm an ignoramus and don't catch the "inside" literary jokes.

Sub-Topic B. Pulp Fiction. I find pulp fiction suffers the same problem as Hollywood movies - investment creep. As in, every year, the audience (consumer) is forced to read more pages or watch more scenes. What once was 250 pages is now 600 pages / What once was 90 minutes is now 130 minutes. But we, the audience (consumer), get an inferior product in exchange for investing more time. We get overstuffed, overplotted, overcharactered books about the same stupid serial killer with a ridiculously tangential connection to warrant his obsession with the "not-quite-a-detective" criminal psychologist with an instinct for serial killers. I don't need the last 120 pages of the criminal psychologist fighting desperately to get back the son/daughter/wife/AA sponsor who the serial killer has kidnapped in order to play more games with the criminal psychologist. I know damned well that the criminal psychologist and relative will make it out just fine. So screw that last 120 pages! (Movie-Making Corollary: Every Steven Spielberg Movie since ET has been about 140 minutes too long!)

Topic 2. Summer Listening

Sub-Topic A. Billy Joel is Cool Again
I have decided to join the Billy Joel bandwagon because, as they say in Ontario, he's flikkin' talented. And, every I listen to in the minivan is a compromise between me and three loud, shrewd little darlings. Billy Joel is a good compromise. As sheet music, its fun to play as its more piano-friendly than most pop. For example, from his poofy hair days, "Pressure" plays like the first movement of Bethoven's Sonata Pathetique. They play so similarly that its impossible no avoid wondering how much that Pathetique inspired "Pressure".

Sub-Topic B. Da, Da Springsteen. Niet, niet U2.
Speaking of "inspirations", the first song on Bruce Springsteen's new album sounds a lot like Kiss' "I was made for loving you...." but its a terrific story. The album is good quality Springsteen and my girls go crazy for "Queen of the Supermarket" - The Boss is kind of like Norman Rockwell in his gift for mythologizing ordinairy american life. U2? Not so much. The new album is mostly boring, sometimes embarassing. I know they are really, really cool dudes but the album they just produced sounds like it was Will Farrell trying to pull off a U2 album. Still, it gives me a chance to get this joke off:

The only thing "Magnificent" about the new U2 album is the title. (Don't kill yourself laughing.)

Topic 3. Summer Food
Sub-Topic A. Cheeseburgers
I am fully converted to milk and breadcrumbs in a hamburger. By soaking breadcrumbs into the milk, you are doing something chemical of somesort so that when you mix it with the ground meat, the milk-breadcrumb mush coats the meat and prevents it from binding during the cooking process. This prevents a major source of "toughness" in a burger. The rest is up to you but I have been putting dijon as well as worcesteshire sauce into the burger. Finally, I have been preparing a pimento cheese of sorts (sharp cheddar,grated; roasted red pepper, chopped; cayenne pepper, dash; just enough mayo). That makes a mighty fine cheeseburger.

Sub-Topic B. Zuchinni
I fell hard for zuchinni one night in Queens at an Italian restaurant. (Bottle of red? Bottle of white? It all depends on my apetite. See section 2A.) I have tried to reproduce that spectacular zucchini from the big Apple in my old redneck kitchen. And, mostly, its a home run. Zucchini in ribbons. Zest a lemon, juice a lemon. Crush as much garlic as you can muster. Salt, pepper, olive oil. Marinate the zucchini ribbons in that for 2 + hours. Grill on the BBQ.

Labels: Summer after W

Dear Green Candidates,

Congratulations on winning your nominations to be the Green candidate for your riding in the next election. Except one of you - I'm going to bump you depending on if it looks like you have a chance to win. Not sure who but it will be the person with the best shot at winning. Only losers are safe from be swapped out - but don't let that influence all your wonderful grassroots work. Its for the planet!

The reason I am writing you is because the leadership of the Green Party has made a tremendous decision towards saving the planet. We've decided to spend our resources on me and me alone. I want me - oops - I mean, we want me in parliament real, real bad. If its one of you yokels and not me, you'll probably screw everything up by comparing an opponent to a holocaust denier or some such. Or maybe you'll weep publicly. Nothing imperils the planet more than a weeping environmentalist. Most of you, to be blunt, are depressing people who've latched on to environmentalism to feed a deeper urge for doomsdayism.

So, as you plan out your little campaigns, know this: aside from email instructions and the website, you get nothing from us. If Planet Earth is to have a chance, I must be in parliament. I'm sure, on reflection, you'll appreciate the wisdom of this decision.

Yours most faithfully,
Liz May, Party Leader

ps. to satisfy any lingering curiosity, I am not motivated by a lust for doomsdayism. I am not in it to make money shooting my mouth off. I am a collaborator with an alien empire that plans to colonize earth in 2084. My job is to keep the place as clean as possible before their arrival.

A little storm in the Korean community about comments Iggy made just a few years ago. His prescription for difficulties with the North Korean regime was to cut off food aid. Through his people, Iggy 2009 has repudiated Iggy 2005 and one can understand why. The acute offense to Koreans is almost marginal to the larger issue that these comments reveal.

Reveal is a bit strong since Iggy revealed them himself in his famous Iraq mea culpe published in the New York Times. He admitted that academics like him often play with ideas without consideration for their real world consequences. Starving Koreans is one of those loopy ideas that someone throws out because he can pretty much say what he wants without it having any effect whatsoever. It is stuff one finds on the trivial margins; a place I think many academics like to hide.

Nothing Michael Ignatieff has thought or written about has ever been forced to the test of workability. Can it be done? Will it have the desired effect? Who cares - the important question is, will it sell the book? Will I get the gig on the BBC? Was the Hasslehoff haircut worth the investment?

He has never had to make a decision about how to save for retirement. He has never purchased a stock or mutual fund. His career has been spent in a playground for wordy nerds, buffeted from the harsh edges of events and conditions; earning his coin from the art of being heard but not listened to.

Labels: At least Dion had 10 years cabinet experience

Here we are, St-Johnny-Baptist day in Quebec. Its our biggest holiday where we celebrate all the wonderful things that Quebec is - except for anglos. They aren't welcome and the ultra-brave, noble Movement des Patriotes threatened violence should they hear a word of english spoken today. (Oops. Looks like my daughters are cruising for a bruising.)

Bravely, Gilles Duceppe remained utterly silent in the debate over whether english-speaking performers were allowed to perform on St-Johnny's day. Being charitable, I interpret this as Mr. Duceppe is a snake without the spine to look down the racists that form the Bloc Quebecois' base. In other words, maybe he thinks that Quebec could never be a real country if it had to ban languages from its national holidays but he's too afraid to wake his fanatics from their fevered dreams. But maybe, just maybe, Gilles Duceppe was quiet because he supports the move to strike english performers from Quebec stages. Maybe he's as racist as his base. We'll never know because, as I said, he bravely kept silent on the issue.

All that as context to his calling Prime Minister Harper (and our new deputy, Iggy) a redneck.

Gilles Duceppe gets the free-est ride in all of Canadian media AND an even free-er ride in the Quebec media. It is outrageous for him to call PM Harper a redneck over some silly demand he's making on behalf of the french language. You have to go back a long, long time in history to find a Canadian PM who starts his official addresses, whereever he is, in french. That alone should win plaudits from a separatist party that wraps itself in the french flag when its convenient.

Mr. Duceppe is a sour geezer fully cognizant that his life's ambition, Quebec's independence, isn't going to happen in his lifetime. He doesn't deserve kid gloves. He's the naked emperor of Quebeckistan.

Labels: Happy Saint Johnny's to y'alls

MEGA-UPDATE:
STRIKE AVERTED! YOU WILL BE MARINATING IN VODKA AND OLIVES ONTARIO! (At what cost? Details to come...)


The city of Toronto has a public workers strike. Couldn't happen to a more deserving folk, voting in pinko mayors as proof of their cosmopolitan hipness.

But a strike at the LCBO is a genuine tragedy. I weep with Ontarians at the insanity of the set up: a government union has the power to block your consumption of alcohol. A government union where wages are much higher than average for retail gets to stop you from having a terrific weekend with the family.

Imagine - everyone's coming over. You stop at the market and pick up some thickly sliced smoked salmon and you decide to serve it as an appetizer or amuse bouche alongside a pitcher of bloody ceasars. Sounds perfect until you find out that you can't get vodka at the last minute. Those spoiled government workers decided to ruin your bbq.

This summer, many Ontarians are facing a season of unemployment or, luckier, pay cuts that have diminished their family's expectations and capacity. The government union that provides the booze and the government union that collect your trash are both on strike - refusing to work - in order to squeeze those very same Ontarians out of more tax money. It un-flicking-believable.

Courage, Ontario. And when you come out of this dry spell, never let it happen again. Get the Millers and Raes and Iggys and Laytons of the world back into Ryerson and U of T. Don't ever let another wonky socialist stand between you and your tequila.

Labels: Get your emergency wine kit going

So I post something about Charest being the next PM because he will replace Harper as Tory Leader. My gag, which busted, was that the next PM will not be Ignatieff and will not be Ignatieff's eventual replacement. But, my loyal readership revolted because ain't no way the next leader will be from Quebec. They listed a litany of failures and foibles of Jean Charest's - many they read about here on Chuckercanuck - but were not willing to admit to failures on our part.

Jacobin, our regular moveon.coconut, managed to salvage the rift when he said western objections to voting for a french canadian was "racist".

Obviously, that's supposed to be a stink bomb. Someone says "racist" and we panic to the exits in a dash for disassociation. Them's rednecks from Alberta gone shot their mouths out. How barassin.

But the embarassing, selfish simplemindedness of the statement helped shock me out of my previous stupor. Let's look at the Prime Ministerships for the generation. (And this guesswork, not science):

Trudeau (QC) 18 years
Clark(AB) 6 months
Turner (BC) 6 months?
Mulroney (QC) 8 years
Campbell (BC) 6 months
Chretien (QC) 9 years?
Martin (QC) 2 years
Harper(AB) 3 years

So by region, the last 30 years were:

Quebec: 37 years

The West: 4.5 years. Stephen Harper is 3 of those years.

The rest: Zippo.

Clearly, it would be absurdly insulting to suggest that westerners are not entitled to a larger share of the democratic pie. If Quebeckers were fair-minded people, they would recognize the democratic imbalance as an injustice - however inadvertently caused - that deserves redress. Race-baiting on this point is thuggish and facistic.

In conclusion, Charest is a non-starter. That's not my problem anyway. On Mario Dumont, I would ask Westerners to consider why he raises Liberal hackles so. I guarantee you, Mario Dumont won't be demonizing the oil sands or nuclear production or any other brilliant feats with your blessed resources. He will land in Calgary, take a slow drive to the Frank slide and say, "I'm home for the first time."

Labels: Mea Culpe

Those of us with memberships in the coveted Global Alliance for Hidden International Conspiracies knows what Stephen Harper's evil ambitions are: to create a lasting, united Conservative party in Canada that governs more often than it doesn't.

With that in mind, I'd like Iggy to meet the next Prime Minister of Canada:

Jean Charest.

It will be a simple swap. Stephen Harper will retire after a glorious six years or so at the helm. Jean Charest will have stepped out of the Quebec premiership on a stellar high and announce his intention of running for the leadership of the Conservative party. Unlike Liberals, there will be an actual campaign in which actual members get to vote. And unlike Ignatieff, Charest will win because of a vote not by avoiding a vote. Charest will win because he will draw big memberships in Quebec and Ontario and will gain the affection of the west and the maritimes.

His theme will be simple: lasting unity. Quebeckers are fed up and bored with separatists. That's what these two by-elections, particularly the Riviere-de-Loup campaign, demonstrate. Talk up separatism, Pauline Marois, and watch your support evaporate. Jean Charest can deliver a reasonable balance between the aspirations of Quebeckers to keep our french heritage thriving and the aspiration of Canadians to keep our confederation thriving. These are not exclusive goals but mutually dependent ones.

One kink in the plans: Mario Dumont. He must notice that after his departure, Riviere-de-Loup went FEDERALIST. So should he. As a star minister in the Tory cabinet, he could upset Charest's ambitions with ambitions of his own. But if a future Tory leadership race pitted Mario Dumont against Jean Charest against Jim Prentice against Jim Flaherty.... I think Stephen Harper will have achieved his ultimate goals.

Labels: Bob Rae is the only current Liberal with a chance of being PM

Today I will not play to type. You see "judge" in the post title and think, "oh, here we go, another cranky neo/theo/brio-con railing against activist judges who legislate from the bench." But you are wrong! What I do want to point out is the charming naivete of this fine retired judge who asks, after giving the media a few weeks to act, why none of them questioned the decency or ethics of the Halifax Chronicle and its Ottawa bureau chief in rooting through private matters for a public lynching of Natural Resources Minister Lisa Raitt.

I think, in fairness, a couple of pundits did express some queasiness at the invasion of privacy - Christie Blatchford and John Ivison come to mind - but they were quickly dismissed by their colleagues who were busy planning ceremonies to honor the great lion-hunter, Stepehn Maher.

While I am sympathetic to the judge; for me, the Lisa "Give us something to talk about" Raitt show was one of the lowest points in Canadian journalism. But, as many quickly pointed out, I am an ignoramus who should tread carefully when questioning the actions of journalists. In fact, during the beating I took over my comments, I learned two things which we should call: "The Two Immutable Laws of Canadian Journalism". Here they are:

1. "The Law of Infallability".
This is not to argue that journalists are, in fact, completely infallable. They can err in terms of facts every now and then. But when it comes to intent, journalists are indeed infallable. They pursue every story and report every bit of news with a single, noble intention: to reveal truth. It is okay to question the facts but never the motive. Unlike everyone else in the society, journalists are pure - they are what the rest of us aspire to be.

2. "The Law of Technical Complexity".
We have journalism schools and therefore journalism is a technically complex endeavour and only those technically proficient have the right to comment on its practice. Consumers of journalism are no better placed to opine on journalistic output as pigs are with regard to the feed the farmer schleps their way.

Meanwhile, lets get back to our campaign to have Stephen Maher knighted for his brave, brave defense of our democratic fundamentals.

Labels: Never forget never forget

Here's Greg Weston's column where he lays out a case that a fall election is unavoidable. My money is on it being avoidable. However, I thought it interesting that he gossips about Iggy having to cancel a stay at his summer home in southern France. Now, I'm not an idiot, I can appreciate that scrapping a plan like that is not fun. I'd sure run away from an election threat if someone said I'd be walking the French mediteranean in a couple weeks time.

But it sure is bad optics, ain't it?

In the summer that invented the "staycation" out of economic despair, Iggy wants to first-class it over to to the land of bouillabaise and Debussy landscapres. Michael Moore could make him look like the devil for that. (Note to NDP: having created the best, most terrifying political ad in Canadian history, couldn't you put some talent on to this one.)

But forget the class warfare angle, consider the environmental hypocracy of it. Any good global warming advocate should foremost eliminate air travel from their lifestyles. That Al Gore or Michael Ignatieff think its normal to fly off for a few weeks in Provence because your beloved Algonquin park is a misquito-ridden crap-hole where the nearest decent croissant is a day's drive and everyone drinks canned beer.

Flying off to Europe like it was a walk down the street is not a sustainable lifestyle. There is no amount of offset possible in the world that includes everybody flying huge distances if they have a few days to themselves. So its difficult to accept environmental hectoring from a guy cursing the fact that he wasn't jetting around Europe but is insted stuck in the middle between us this summer.

Labels: I mean that criticism constructively

I'm not sure who, but for the sake of discussion, let's say Einstein once said, "stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Or something like that.

Dear Tories,

Let's make that our theme for the summer.

Michael Ignatieff is leading his party on a great big back-off.

His is signalling to us, Tories of the nation, that he will ride herd on his Liberals to help us implement our agenda for Canada. I point this out because it should temper our inclination (mine especially) for this collosal retreat from Mr. Mess With Me. He will mess with us until he is done which, judging from things, is about four months from now. Yikes.

Oops. See, I was sliding into snark, but I pulled back. We are not Harpermaniacs because we are maniacs. We support Prime Minister Harper to the max because he leads us exactly where we think Canadians will prosper most. And Michael Ignatieff is telling us that he wants Canada to go on the same calm, freedom-maximizing march to Canada's bright future.

Why would we attack a Liberal leader willing to draft his caucus to our cause? In one short week, Michael Ignatieff has marginalized the fringe parties of Canada and expunged his own party of the deep-urban leftyism that eats away at the Liberal core.

For all intents and purposes, Stephen Harper has his majority and Canada has a united parliament. It is a remarkable opportunity for Canadians and Michael Ignatieff should be thanked for his service in these outcomes.

I'd suggest we start with Iran. We know Micheal Ignatieff's instincts are to call for a peaceful overthrow by the Iranian people of a regime that has drifted oceans away from best interests of Iran. We know Stephen Harper's instincts are that all people deserve individual freedom, rights to property and enterprise and government accountability. Canadians know that all people from all backgrounds thrive in our democratic capitalism where the rule of law is foundational.

Let's stop bitchslapping each other. Let's start bitchslapping the mullahs who are beating and emprisoning their flock to keep their rigged election results standing.

Labels: The Four Year Truce

The Revolutionary Guard has the revolutionary woman trapped in an alley, beating her liberally with his baton. Between blows, he offers a meek apology.

"I am sorry I have to do this," he says.

"So why are you doing it?" she cries, anguish impossible to stifle.

"Doing my job, collecting my pay, otherwise my kids starve, right?" he replies as he cracks his baton along her spine. "The real question is, why are YOU doing this?"

"Afghanistan to the east, Iraq to the west. If we don't make this change ourselves, the Americans will come in a do it for us. Which brings me back to my question, why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?" he asks with a pause in the beating.

"Last time I checked, Americans are pretty sloppy with their bombs but when they do come, you'll get bombed a lot worse than I will."

The revolutionary guard drops his baton. "Good point," he responds.

Labels: The World Hungers for More Iran

Look, I'm not an unreasonable fellow. Lots of stuff I have said in life could be taken out of context and sound horrible. If you don't believe me, bribe my wife. Come to think of it, there's quite a bit of stuff I would prefer her to quote me OUT of context, like the time I said to her, "nurse, glove me." That sounds much better in insolation that set in its original context.

But I can't find a winner for my "water cooler" contest. Everyone's trying their hardest to figure out what kind of context makes Iggy's broodings about Ukraine un-odious and so far, we got some almost-rans but no homeruns. So, without a winner, let me provide you with the top three "contexts".

Justifiable Context No. 1:
Chuckercanuck, you are a horrible racist.

Justifiable Context No. 2:
Stephen Harper has said much, much worse about Canadians. In the last week.

Justifiable Context No. 3:
Chuckercanuck, you've stooped to parotting Conservative Party talking points that are below the belt.

Apparently, Stephen Harper and Chuckercanuck were very much top-of-mind when Michael Ignatieff wrote Blood and Belonging because we are, to the Iggiots out there, the context for the quote is us. So congratulations to all those cyber-lefties doing a digital defense of Iggy's lustre - you were the only ones who cam closest to providing a justifiable context to Iggy's remarks!

I do have to defend my honor for a second. I agree with Old School Liberal who gave me a good finger wag, cyber-style for stooping to parot someone else's below-the-belt talking points. I am a propagandist afterall and I work hard to feed the parots with my own below-the-belt talking points. What can I say, times are tough.

Labels: Don't take this label out of context

Chuckercanuck is pleased to launch the Friday "water cooler" contest. Its easy. Read the quote to your friends, family and colleagues and then ask them what context would make the remarks un-odious:

"I have reasons to take Ukraine seriously indeed...But to be honest, I'm having trouble. Ukrainian independence conjures up images of embroidered peasant shirts, the nasal whine of ethnic instruments, phoney Cossacks in cloaks and boots, nasty anti-Semites."

Its a really fun game but much harder than you can imagine. So far, I am 0 for 3 in teasing out a reasonable context that makes the ethnic chauvinism and acid derision go away. Go on, I dare you to find an intelligent, reasonable context.

See, I've come to learn something about Michael Ignatieff. Everytime someone reminds him of something he's said that's wholly offensive, he hides behind the skirt of context. That probably works in the classroom where students are terrified of the man and want to score good grades. That also probably works among the champagne socialist set where that small and intimate group are chauvinists on almost every measure.

But how about among us peasants in our embroidered shirts playing our whiny ethnic instruments? Not so much. For us, the knee-jerk reach for the "context" excuse is like the used car salesman's appeal to the fine print. Oh wait, in this day and age, used car salesman are an honest bunch. Its like your investment advisors appeal to the fine print.

Now, get out there and find someone who can fill out a reasonable context for this quote!

Labels: Maybe we took Iggys election ultimatum out of context

As you all know, I am ultra hip and ultra nerdy at the same time. How I manage life with the Fonz on one shoulder and Alf's adopted father on the other is a mystery that I leave to historians to sort out. Today however, I will indulge my nerdy side:

In Monty Python's Holy Grail movie, one of the funny bits is the propensity for these brave knights to quickly call out, "runaway! runaway!" at the first sign of danger. Then, safe from threat, they return to their manly man fake courage.

What triggered the image of armor-clad knights fleeing at the first sight of danger, only to get all bellicose the minute danger is out of reach?

Oh, a certain "leader"....

No one with a shred of political intelligence would have done as much as Iggy has this week to reinforce how waffling and indecisive he is. It is almost a schizophrenia of sorts - and by that I mean, we can excuse Iggy because his hot flashes are a mental health issue beyond his control.

I almost worry for his family. Picture a beautiful Saturday. Iggy wakes and suggests to his wife a walk along the lake by Port Credit. They get in the car and he asks, "where are we going?" "To the lake," his wife answers. "The lake!?! No way! I'm not going to the lake. That's the last place I want to go." "Well, where do you want to go then?" Iggy answer, "to the AGO, of course." "Okay, let's go to the AGO." After five minutes of silent driving (listening to Xian Gomeshi on CBC), Iggy says, "wait a second where are we going?" His wife answers, "to the AGO." "The AGO! That's the last place I want to go. Look, I'm a reasonable person. Can't we go to the lake?" "Sure, let's go to the lake. Anything you want, Michael."

"See, that was easy," he replies and then day dreams of those fine fall days walking the streets of Cambridge, MA.

Labels: Not a leader is a tag that works for lots of Grit leaders these days

The office is small and crowded with academic texts and reseach papers. The blinds are closed, shutting out the daylight and only a small reading lamp provides illumination. Michael Ignatieff walks into the office only to see a figure crumpled over a thick book. The figure looks up, it is Stephane Dion.

A wry smile takes over Stephane's face.

"So, you thought being leader was easy, eh?" Stephane says with no small amount of venom.

"Stephane, I need your help," Iggy pleads.

"You think you need to tell me dat?" Stephane retorts coldly.

"Stephane, we're all Liberals here."

"Yes, but some Liberals think they are better than other Liberals, no?" Stephane shoots, still bitterly.

"And some leaders are better than others," Iggy confesses.

Realizing Iggy has made the kind of admission he would only make - in private - a handful of times in life, Stephane takes a kinder tone.

"What do you need, Michael?"

"Your help!" Iggy exclaims, "teach me to be a leader!"

"Michael, you're not doing much worse than I did. You just need a few pointers, that's all."

"Like what?"

"First, you need an idea," Stephane moves to a whiteboard on the wall, grabs the marker, "see, I had a carbon tax. Maybe it was massively unpopular and half-baked, but it was an idea. It gave me a reason for being leader."

Stephane marks down "IDEA = REASON TO LEAD" on the whiteboard. Iggy whips out a pad and jots notes down, "excellent, excellent, more, Stephane, more!"

"You had an idea just a few weeks ago. The EI-360 thing. Sure, it was silly and knee-jerk. But it provides you with a reason to be in charge. Why did you drop it?"

Iggy shakes his head. Stephane returns his focus to the whiteboard. He writes a capital "I" on the whiteboard and then draws a circle around the "I" and a strike through the circle.

"There is no "I" in "Team", Michael," Stephane loves to lecture and is now clealy loving this. "When you keep using the pronoun "I" you accomplish several things. One, you piss off the your caucus - nobody likes the implication that they are trained seals. Two, Canadians get the impression that your caucus is full of trained seals - since Iggy cannot trust anyone to make decisions but himself, then clearly, his team is a bunch of baffoons who shouldn't be in cabinet. Even the evil egoist, Stephen Harper, doesn't say "I". Three, you get mocked. Did you read Ivison this morning?"

"No."

"He made a very funny joke," Stephane giggles, "he said that you probably wished you were at Creation to offer helpful hints."

Iggy laughs, "that is pretty funny."

Stephane drops his smile, "and politically deadly. This is not a game for who gets to be department head, Michael."

Iggy stops laughing. "Isn't there anything I'm doing right?"

"In my opinion, yes," Stephane says, "I think its very good strategy to flip out everytime the Tories do something, pretend like the world is coming to an end and that human life hangs in the balance. Then, when it comes time to vote, ahhch! People don't pay attention to that part."

Labels: Liberals will regret dumping Dion

"In 2004, two Liberal organizers, Ian Davey (son of Senator Keith Davey) and lawyer Daniel Brock, travelled to Cambridge, Massachusetts, to convince Ignatieff to run for the Canadian House of Commons, and to consider a possible bid for the Liberal leadership should Paul Martin retire."

Two funny things about this fact.

1. Liberals recruited Michael Ignatieff. This was the leadership they dreamed about when they dangled the prospect of party leadership before him those many days ago on a sunny terrace eating lobster rolls and drinking beer a few blocks from Harvard. You want it? You got it. In spades.

2. This should be worked into a "Just Visiting" ad. Cue ominous voice: "Why does he want to lead Canada? He doesn't. He just answered a headhunter's call and went to the interview."

Also, it was fun to see Chantal Hebert say that Iggy performed worse than Stephane Dion during this current melodrama. It reminded of a certain blogger with devastating good looks who has pointed that out a time or two. Even better, it should remind people that Stephane Dion beat Michael Ignatieff for the leadership of the Liberal party. Oh yeah. That's why.

Labels: If we had not asked he would not have come

Dear Michael,

A quick note before you pop over to admit that you have me confused. Last night, you told Peter Mansbridge that, in fact, your threats to bring down my government if we did not meet your reporting standards were not an "ultimatum."

So what the hell were they? My staff is kidding with me, saying that you're only good for penultimatums - you know, every threat is actually a threat that the next threat is the real threat. Wait a second, you taught at Oxford. Who am I - country bumpkin from the prairies - to explain that silly word play to you.

Whether its a real threat, fake threat, pre-threat threat or two threats wrapped in an engima, I gotta tell you, you are messing with me. I can't follow a single thought of yours. I can't tell if you like EI, don't like EI; I can't tell if you want more deficit, less deficit; I can't tell anything except that you don't like me. And even then, maybe you do like me since you are pretty damned supportive of everything I say and do. At least when it comes time to vote.

Looking forward to our meeting!

Sincerly,

Your Prime Minister

Labels: I get those kind of ultimatums from my wife all the time and I know how to react to them

In the lull of this week's parliamentary crisis, I managed to touch base with Xerxes, long deceased emperor of ancient Persia, to see if events in Iran this week have left any impression on him. (It took four hours of burning ginseng and chanting next to my blackberry to get the connection, so thank me.)

CC: Xerxes, its good to speak with you.

Xerxes: Likewise. We haven't spoken since that movie 300 came out.

CC: Two years - has it been that long?

Xerxes: Uh-huh. Still no 300 sequel, I might add. But that's okay. Star Trek was pretty wicked.

CC: Yeah, it was. But really, we should get to the interview. Have you been watching what's been happening in Iran and its elections?

Xerxes: Oh, you know, CNN-style. Dad and me are busy with some building projects. We're keeping our Home Depot receipts to send to your Minister of Finance.

CC: So you're too busy to watch what's going on? I find that hard to believe.

Xerxes: Okay, I don't get excited because I think I'll jinx it. Were you cheering Detroit?

CC: No.

Xerxes: So, picture cheering for Detroit. You want it. It should happen. It would be terrific if it happened. And you get so excited as it all comes so close.... then boom! Sixty minutes later, you're watching the kid who can't grow a bear hoist the cup.

CC: So, you're saying that you haven't been watching so you won't jinx the very real possibility that Iran transform itself through peaceful revolution from nuthouse to normal?

Xerxes: Exactly.

CC: How's Obama playing this?

Xerxes: Fine, fine. Real cool. I have confidence in him, mostly. Ever since he pulled the shoot-to-kill on those pirates. But, its still not my cup of tea.

CC: What do you mean?

Xerxes: President Obama talks about Iranians protesting for democratic freedom and it sounds like he can list the benefits on paper, but not feel anything for them. Like he and his staff brainstormed the pros and cons of Iranians calling for legitimate democracy and they counted 43 pros and 26 cons. So, they went with pro.

CC: What do you expect. He doesn't want to ignite the government into bloodshed. He doesn't want to repel potential revolutionaries by making them think he's taking over the revolution. He's got to play docile and diplomatic.

Xerxes: I don't want that clear-headed real politic give us another Saddam-style mow-down of an uprising. People need to the USA has their backs if they decide to emancipate themselves.

CC: Well, I understand that bu-

Xerxes: Listen, Chucker, let's give this thing a week and see how it plays out. Afterall, I've left my father, Darius the Great, to do the caulking. Something that he is decidely not great at.

Labels: Iran is a foreign market Iggy wants to offset the US with

Dear Michael,

Last week, you promised me a "yes-or-no" answer on the 270 page progress report that Liberals insisted in order to continue the many years of support your party has provided my government. Today, you are telling me something else. Don't get me wrong, this is all very complicated stuff and I don't expect you to have it all mastered over a weekend. However, its a bit frustrating because we gave you what you asked and you still can't make up your mind.

Now, you have a new series of demands and reports you need from us to make up your mind. Leave alone the fact that you are a one man politburo (how much red tape do you really need?), what's really frustrating is that even if we provide you answers to the new set of questions you have, you'll continue with your vacillations.

So, here's what we've decided. In the words of my new pal, Rahm Emmanuel, "foggetabodit." We aren't going to paint you a picture of EI reforms over the next week. Its stupid to rush a solution like you rushed that oxy-moronic "temporary reforms" to EI that you wanted so badly three weeks ago (whatever happened to that?) Its even stupider of you to demand, and us to supply, a long-term solution to the isotopes crisis. This is a problem decades in the making and building a made-in-Canada solution will take - erg - well, to answer that question, you have to have a phd in nuclear physics (that's not a dig, Ig.) Since your new to Canada, sort of, let me clue you in: building nuclear reactors hasn't been an easy sell to the Canadian people. Just getting people on board takes time.

Sit on your thumbs or go have tea with Joan Bryden, I don't care. You aren't getting anything more from us than the steady-as-she-goes, rock-solid government that you Liberals have come to love and support since 2006.

Yours,
Stephen Harper

Labels: My name is Iggy and I wish Belinda could manage all my complicated files

Michael Ignatieff has whispered into Le Devoir's ear and announced to them that, upon reading the progress report, he is throwing his support to Stephen Harper. Of course, he'll say Stephen Harper and the Tories are one part bumbling idiots and one part vicious thugs, but that's just seasoning for the steak.

And the steak is:

"des élections en plein été seraient contraires à l'intérêt du pays"

manipulated translation reads:

"any threat to Stephen Harper's leadership would be contrary to the country's interests and hurt the economy"

More fun - one guy was pushing Iggy to get elections going. That fella is Jean Chretien. The old master knows what his acolyte, Kinsella, has been saying for days, if Liberals don't go now when they can capitalize on the economy, they will get pummelled in the future.

Slight tangent. Le Devoir, for those of you who don't know, is a separatist newspaper with a circulation of about 72. It caters to egg-heads who drink coffee out of bowls and fancy themselves cleverer/niftier than the rest of us. I think its darned funny that in the era of Iggy, Liberals are going to leak stories to Le Devoir.

Labels: At this rate I will have about 48 posts up by the end of day

A lovely early commute this morning had me behind a City of Montreal public works van for about a mile. This means slow going because the rule of thumb with a public works vehicle is it drives below the speed limit on the way out to work and about twice the speed limit on the way back. As I enjoyed the view of the ass-end of the van, I noticed a little bumper sticker attached to the van.

The bumper sticker reads: "Boycott Petro-Canada". Funny, the mayor never mentioned any official boycott of a company. One would think if Canada's 2nd largest city had decided to boycott a Canadian company of Petro-Canada's stature, it would be news. But it hasn't been. No, its not an official boycott. Its just that some lovely fellas in the public works union feel they own the vehicles purchased by our tax dollars. Those same dollars that support the salaries of slackest work crew on the continent. (Example: average pothole requires a crew of 5 to work roughly 4 hours.)


Keep abusing my property boys! Your putting the public works unions across Canada to shame!

Labels: Buy your own damned car and plaster that in stickers

Iggy lounges on a gold lamay couch, his bone china tea cup balanced precariously on his chest. He is a rebel when it comes to tea cups, willing to play russian roulette with the delicate things, "am I fast enough to catch them mid-fall?" he asks himself. "Sure I am," he gives himself an approving smile.

Iggy surrounds himself with the core of his team: Kinsella, McCallum, Steve Mahar, Don Drummond, Joan Bryden and the Globe and Mail editorial board, Scott Brison is allowed in only after removing the battery from his blackberry. Each carries the brick that is the 270 page progress report from the Tories.

Wiping sweat from his brow, McCallum looks up at Iggy, "Damned reports! Too many words, not enough bloody mary mix, I say!"

Joan Bryden giggles warmly and gives Iggy a funny look.

"What?" Iggy asks, a quick smile and smoldering eye contact with Joan, "what's the giggle about."

"Oh nothing," she says in a long drawn sigh.

"C'mon, Joan," Iggy faux-pouts, "can't you let uncle Iggy in on the joke?"

"I was just thinking," Joan replies dreamily, "just pull the trigger and do an Amadinejad? He's an electoral goliath."

"He took 65% of the vote, " Kinella offers, "in every province, across all demographics, he won by exactly the same margin everywhere."

"Well, if you put the opposition votes together, its not far from 65%," Iggy points out.

"You tried that already," Joan remind Iggy, teasingly patting his right arm.

"Yeah, can't go there," Igyy laughs, "better get back to this report. Cripes its complicated! You need a bloody PhD in economics to understand the thing."

"We've got two phds in economics right here," Kinsella points out.

"And what do you guys think?" Iggy asks suddenly of them.

McCallum and Drummond look like deers caught in headlights. McCallum gets defensive, "I told you, not until drinky-poos are served."

Don Drummond, "normally, you guys are the ones telling me what to say. This is most unusual."

Iggy huffs. "Isn't anyone going to tell me what to do?"

"Welcome to leadership," Joan Bryden purrs, "let's say we make ourselves another cup of tea."

Labels: Glorious weather out there I hope they aren't wasting the day

This serves notice that Chuckercanuck thinks Christine Elliot should be the next leader of the Ontario PC party.

There are lots of good reasons for that but most of them are either boring or are better left unsaid in a venue that isn't en famille.

So, the one reason she has my support is her advocacy for a flat tax.

In Canada, our income tax system is one of the great outstanding social justice issues. It is defended by the argument that the more you earn, the more you pay. But even under a flat tax, the more you earn the more you pay. So, a generation of Canadian politicians have provided an inadequate answer as to why income tax rates rise with income. Without justifying it, successive Canadian governments have decided that higher incomes were a sin, like smoking, and to be taxed at higher rates than lower incomes.

But incomes are a citizen's property. Earned, overwhelmingly, through talent and hard work. A democratic government should approach taxing income with respect and solemnity. Further, a democratic government should not distinguish between $1 earned by one citizen and a $1 earned by another citizen. Each dollar earned gets taxed the same way. Canadian governments, however, have chosen to differentiate those dollars earned - some are good, taxed at one rate; some are bad, taxed at another rate.

Flat taxes are progressive in that equal treatment under the law is enhanced while the pursuit of income is not discouraged for anyone. A man earning $17 at a warehouse will take overtime knowing that giving up a Saturday for the company won't actually reward the government more than it rewards him. A woman will opt to raise her children herself, knowing that her family will be treated equally by the government as a two-income family. A great deal of folk will be further incented to move from the underground economy to the open market, like say snow removal guys or piano teachers.

Christine Elliot wins the crucial 514 vote for the Ontario PC leadership contest. I'm sure the other candidates are fine folks but what Canada needs, in Ontario and everywhere else, is a flat income tax.

Labels: Flat tax flat tax flat tax

Iggy's "blasts" the Tory government today. By blast, of course, they mean, Iggy will unconditionally prop the Tory government up. As usual when Michael Ignatieff opens his mouth, we are treated to a gaggle of giggles. Some gems:

"You have to have a PhD in economics to actually figure out whether the (money) has got out the door."

Now this money quote was supposed to sound pithy and I am sure many in the press gallery wrote it down thinking, "hum-dinger!" But it reveals just how clueless Michael Ignetieff is about how our economy works. The best people to figure out whether money has gone out the door or not are not economists. We call those people accountants. They train in a different faculty of any university and then must get professional accreditation by taking long, hard and boring exams. A guy who wants to run one of the largest economies in the world should probably know the difference between an economist and an accountant. Or maybe he'll end up sending cancer patients to the dentist. Maybe he'd get architects to build our sewage plants and bridges. What's the difference, right?

"My vision of the future of Canada is that we must urgently find other markets than that of America."

Now this half-baked statement should send shivers down the backs of anyone interested in Canadian trade.

1) How can Canada reduce its carbon footprint while seeking to dramatically increase the ton-miles shipped for its exports? This points to that age-old contradiction of being a Liberal. You don't actually believe in anything and so they hold entirely incongruous positions. As we saw with Chretien, something has to give and in his case that was Kyoto. Michael Ignatieff cannot champion carbon emission reductions and increase global traffic at the same time.

2) Would this be a mandated vision? As in, all Canadian companies must open branch offices in Bangalore and Shanghai? What, Mr. Ignatieff, are we going to sell to India and China? That's a tricky question, I suppose. Will we set up a crown corporation to grow greenhouse mangos for sale in the Indian market? What will we sell them? Without an answer to that question, the "vision" of urgently finding other markets than the US is a vision that will end up bankrupting Canadian taxpayers. Why taxpayers? Because Iggy plans to INTERFERE with our economy to make his vision a reality. That means massive subsidies to re-engineer the Canadian economy to serve the Indian and Chinese markets (where purchasing power is attractively a fraction of US purchasing power).

3) Stephen Harper just launched free trade negotiations with Europe. He signed a free trade deal with Colombia. To call the "neglect of trade with the middle east (!!!) scandalous" is hugely foolish of Iggy. I would bet he hasn't got any appreciation for the relative size of, say, the Jordanian economy vis a vis the Spanish economy or, for that matter, the Brazilian economy. While its fair for Liberals to say "we prefer trading with the middle east versus trading with Europe" - there's a legitimate debate to be had there, it is utterly ridiculous to be scandalized by Stephen Harper's attempts to expand trade with Europe.

So, per usual, Michael Ignatieff is a laughing stock. His admirers are laughing stocks. And the Joan Bryden's of the world are laughing stocks.

Labels: Lets expand trade with Jupiter

Here's the summer scandal for your simmering pleasure. Remember this from two weeks back:

"CTV was unfair and unethical when it broadcast outtakes of an interview with then-Liberal leader Stephane Dion, who repeatedly did not understand a question, during the election campaign last fall, the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council ruled Wednesday."

Really? CTV was unfair and unethical for broadcasting outtakes that showed Dion to be a phony and not equipped for leadership. Outtakes mean Dion is doing an interview, he screws up and CTV stops taping and starts again when Dion regains his composure. In other words, they are tantamount to a public record because when Dion was faking deafness to avoid answering a question, he understood the circumstance to be public.

That's a much lesser offense than broadcasting a private conversation so, in Lisa Raitt's case, Canadian Broadcast Standards will be sending a much more serious condemnation to the Halifax Chronicle for broadcasting that private conversation. When that censure is released to the public, it will ripple to the Liberals now that Ignatieff has so visibly associated with the plunder of a private conversation. His casual disregard for privacy will become the discussion point of the day.

The Liberal War Room has been pleading for an election now before the Canadian Broadcast Standards issues its condemnation of the Halifax Chronicle which, by extension, will be a condemnation of Michael Ignatieff and his "unfair and unethical" use of a private conversation.

Labels: Liberals get to suppress outtakes but Tories must endure private conversations becoming public

I can't link things right now so go to bourque and read about the bizarre case of the Ontario wheat marketing board.

These savvy folks hired Warren Kinsella to lobby the Conservative government.

This strikes me as a decision as disastrous as new coke or the McRib sandwhich.

That's not just because of his history of generally offensive comments (like about women and asian canadians). No, Warren Kinsella can't lobby a government run by a "rageaholic, populated by morons and idiots with mideval religious beliefs".

But I don't fault Warren for collecting fees on an assignment he knows very well he cannot complete. If suckers want to pay him to piss off the folks they want him to court, that is their own foolishness. Maybe he has a few pangs of guilt - the way a snake oil salesman feels when he's robbed a town of dupes, leaving behind vats of dyed whale fat. Somehow, I doubt it; afterall, just yesterday he made a pre-emptive excuse for why his Liberal war room is going to screw up the next election.

Labels: iggys man takes money for a job he cant do

Yup. On second thought, this guy is worse than on first thought.

Watching Lisa Raitt apologize and then talk about her experience with cancer was excruciating.

I am amazed that Liberals aren't embarassed for making Lisa Raitt talk publicly about tending to dying cancer victims, namely her father and brother. How many cancer victims has Michael Ignatieff cared for and watch die before him? Maybe he just visited. Who is he to tell Lisa Raitt how she can talk about cancer in private?

But I am happy to help Michael and Warren figure out what "sexy cancer" means from someone who knows cancer like Lisa Raitt knows cancer:

Hard to believe but there are assholes out there who think they can play the cancer card to gain power. Cancer is such an emotional issue that it can be a lethal political weapon (see future Liberals ads associating "sexy cancer" with "two-tier healthcare"); those who lust for power will use that weapon. Crazy, right? Well, crazy doesn't make it any less true. [here's where Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror plays in the background while we fade to credits.]

Labels: When does he start telling us how we should talk in private

Warren Kinsella launched a passionate plea to his party to get an election going now before its too late. Kinsella has ten reasons why the best before date on Michael Ignatieff is rapidly approaching and they all involve the perceived vulnerability of the Tories at the moment.

In other words, Warren Kinsella can't offer up a single, constructive reason to vote Liberal. And he's in charge of the Liberal War Room. Worse (for them), he is telegraphing to all the folks counting on him during the election that his quiver will be empty when the writ drops unless they go now - he predicts Tory support to rise through the summer and, emerging from a recession, to peak when Canadians see that Stephen Harper has done what few think possible: lead the country through a recession more successfully than any previous government has in Canadian history.

Here's a quote I love:

"And hit first, make it hurt, and don't stop hitting the Harper Cons until the day after the election."

I love it because it reminds us that:

1) Liberals, via Grit Girl, issued the first attack ads. They couldn't afford anything more than a free youtube posting and the ads fizzled for being boring and tangential.

2) The Tory response has been nothing short of a rumble in the jungle style pummelling. The image of Iggy blowing kisses as he descends the Stairway to Heaven is classic, burned indelibly in the minds of the many, many people who saw them.

3) He's right. And we've just started "messing" with Michael. His cancer game is a bit like Stephane Dion's "Conservatives are sociopaths" comment: it is so utterly offensive as to amount to a declaration of war. Chuckercanuck is ready and, normally, I kick academic nerd ass every time.

Labels: Or maybe Warren just needs to pay the rent

From the newspaper that made private conversations public, here's a fun column that proves the old adage, "whatever you read on Chuckercanuck will become mainstream thinking 6 weeks later."

Iggy's best chance to become PM was during the coalition crisis. His next best chance at becoming PM was a snap election some weeks ago around budget time. "Too little, too late" could have been his mantra to the mantle of power. Instead, he did a Dion on steroids and put up a half-baked website.

This week, he has plummed the depths of depravity by mining a private conversation for political gain. It captures perfectly the essence of the man: shallow and thoughtless about the consequences of his actions. He said as much in that famous New York Times article where he pulled a Jeremiah Wright with Iraq. In that column, he said that academics like him love to play with ideas without thinking about the real world implications of those ideas. He has spent a life playing with ideas away from the real world. Now, in politics, he plays with people without thinking about the real world implications of his games.

Here's a fun idea to toy with Michael "I care about Cancer Victims" Ignatieff:

Are you going to privatize healthcare in Canada? Because cancer survival rates are higher in the US than in Canada. The US medical system - that ugly stain on American life - saves more cancer victims than our government-controlled system. If your top priority is cancer victims, will you challenge your own party to drop its dogmatic opposition to private medicine? Said another way, would Michael Ignatieff council a family member to get in line for treatment in the Canadian system or would he shuttle that family member to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota for speedy, top notch care?

Labels: From now on the gloves come off

From today's Question Period, Michael Ignatieff:

“Mr. Speaker, in private, the Minister of Natural Resources said that the isotope crisis was sexy, a means to advance her career,” he began in French. “So how can the Prime Minister explain the words of his minister to a woman who has just discovered she has breast cancer, is waiting for a test, but who cannot due to the isotope crisis?”

Today, Michael Ignatieff joined the media in abusing the content of a private conversation. They have, together, conjoined, taken a private conversation at violated that privacy. Privacy is fundamental human right and need; without privacy, human beings will go insane. It shouldn't be futzed with unless Michael Ignatieff can demonstrate a meangingful, clear, present ramification for public duties. Is Lisa Raitt collaborating with terrorists? Is she on the take? Is she selling state secrets to the hermit kingdom? No? Nothing like that at all? Then the content of a private conversation - no matter how juicy and gossipy - isn't something Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition should touch.

I have a question for Michael Ignatieff:

How do you look at a woman with breast cancer in the eye and say, "thanks for putting a human face to my gossipy smear - don't rush in getting healthy, I want to string this one along....[backs away blowing kisses]"?

Labels: Privacy trumps political convenience, thats not a statement but a bet

A recurring nightmare that I have involves me playing a brilliant two rounds of Jeopardy. Reaching Final Jeopardy, I have amassed a substantial lead after dominating a slew of categories. Then, Alex Trebek announces the category for Final Jeopardy. In his even, warm tones he says, "Modern Dance." I cough, collapse and panic. So close and yet so far.... Michael Ignatieff probably feels a whole lot like that only for him, Alex announces Final Jeopardy will be "The Economy".

Afterall, there was a perfect time to defeat the Tories and sweep to power. It was about two weeks ago. Then, Canadians were still in the thickest fog of this economic storm. Now, clarity asserts itself and the folks we usually turn to for independent, expert input (hello, OECD) are saying PM Harper was right:

Canada was the last to enter the recession and will be the first to exit the recession.

The day after PM Harper made the comments, Liberal tsar, Iggy, rejected that analysis. Michael Ignatieff asked Canadians to reject optimism and embrace his brooding vision of Canadian life in which we are reduced to cerfs waiting for bread crumbs from a generous Liberal government.

Ignatieff has never thought about economics, written about economics or even participated in the economy in a meaningful way - he has admitted with pride having never invested a penny of his money in a stock, bond or mutual fund. And its only natural for him to make some big-time screw ups on the issue, especially when his chief economic adviser can't tell a Ford from a Maserati.

Here's a sample:

"Bottom line, Canada is losing jobs faster at the moment than the United States." (March 11, 2009)

Let's get this straight. The US starts the recession with a lower unemployment than Canada. It currently has a higher unemployment than Canada. How is it numerically possible for Canada to lose proportionately more jobs than the US but end up with a lower unemployment rate? Is Iggy using that dastardly imaginary number (i.e., the square root of negative 1) in his calculations? Did John McCallum get the columns mixed up like so many Chevies and fed Iggy the wrong line?

No wonder all the major CEOs of the country promised a rebellion against Iggy if he plotted a coup or government toppling.

Labels: Thanks anonymous for putting the links together for me

In a massive victory for social justice and individual liberty, Stephen Maher and the Halifax Chonicle Whatever published a transcript of a private conversation between a miniter and her communications director. Thanks to the internet, the lurid exchange can be enjoyed free here. The ownership of the Halifax Chronical may be chasing its dwindling audience down a rabbit hole but many people who will encounter this paper for the first time today will be a bit revolted. Today, that paper has perveted what a free press is about and abused the notion of the public good.

This conversation is private. Its not intended as public or official; its a time when two female colleagues who are in a challenging and brutal environment talk and try to enjoy a short breather in a hectic life. Its the kind of moment that every free person needs in order to retain our sanity. Did anyone at the Halifax Chronicle read 1984? Invading privacy is like invading another country - you have to have clear, moral reasons for doing so. And in this case that means the conversation had a tangible impact on government outcomes.

Like say, if Lisa Raitt was selling secrets to the Russians through her Russian spy communications director and you caught the transaction on tape. Or maybe, Lisa Raitt was cutting her communications director in on a deal to throw the Chalk River contract to the French in exchange for some Bombardier trains on bid in Grenoble. Yup, those conversations meet the test of the public's business. Or that Lisa Raitt was thinking of joining a new Iggy coalition attempt because she's been promised to keep her ministry.

This conversation doesn't do anything like that. And so, it was, is and will be private. Granted, the Halifax Chronicle didn't do the invading of privacy here; but it did do the plundering and profiting. Now, I understand the only response available from the paper's defenders will be to gussy up their gossip as a deep revival in their interest for the nuclear industry. If so, thank you and welcome. Nuclear infrastructure isn't something you build in a day for a week. You build it over decades to last centuries. Let's start planning, Halifax Chronicle, and funding the nuclear industry.

In conclusion, I think we can all agree on one thing: Chuckercanuck had the best title for a blog about these tapes. No competition.

Labels: We are watching and listening always

The old joke goes like this: consultants look at your watch and tell you what time it is. Now, most people think the subtext of the punchline is that those useless consultants don't ever bring nothin' to the table. But, being a consultant, I know that the real subtext that makes the joke hilarious is that clients are people who forget they wear watches, can't figure the minutes hand from the hours hand when they do remember to look at them and, by the time they figure out what time it is, are too scared to tell their bosses how late it is. In other words, loath us like lawyers or even maybe journalists, but you cannot do without us lousy consultants.

Even in government.

So now will come the flood of recommendations on how to step up regulating the procurement process for consulting firms. The old objective methodologies will get replaced by new ones. The results will be the same. Why? Because there is no objective way to select a consultant.

Our firm is probably the most unsuccessful company in Canada in terms of winning government contracts. We have won just about 1% of what we submit bids on. Why are we such losers? I haven't a clue. We are extremely successful in the private sector. In some industries, its hard for us to lose. In others, we have at least a 50% chance. When a government tender goes over our transom, we try our best but expect nothing.

Here's an example. This winter we bid on a provincial government project out west. On what? I won't tell you. Which government? I won't tell you. It was a project for which we are eminently qualified. We had engineered similar systems for dozens of exactly similar operations - including a couple in the last 12 months. From our humble perspective, there wasn't any competition. However, six weeks later, we got our rejection letter:

"After carefully reviewing all the bids, we selected....." The firm they selected for an engineering project was an accounting firm. Uh-huh. Admitedly, the firm claims to do operations research type projects. But we had never heard of this firm nor had we competed with them on similar projects in the private sphere before. The selection committee never spoke to us, never interviewed us, never verified our references. It was as if we never had a chance to begin with.

Actually, that's how most of them feel - we never had a chance to begin with.

So, we stick to what we know: convincing companies that live or die on their profitability that we are the engineering consultants that deliver profitability. One day, maybe the Canadian taxpayer will get wise and demand the same. Until then, the strange process of procuring services for government departments and crown corporations will produce the same results regardless of whatever "rules" they put in place.

Labels: ehealth ain't looking so healthy

The Book of Assholes continues to grow. Tonight, Shirtless Man from Down the Street joins the great hall of assholes.

Categorizing Asshole-dom is a work in progress. So far, there are Driving Assholes, Flying Assholes, Working Assholes, Buying and Selling Assholes and now Clothing Assholes. With every passing day and assholes, the categories will grow, consolidate, split, etc., ideally in a clear and slowing march to perfection.

Remember, this project is about putting civility back into civilization. So do your part!

Labels: The Book of Assholes

Tom Cruise doesn't strike me as particularly nutty anymore. Afterall, he's just a high priest of scientology. If it takes thinking your from planet Claptuu in order to survive the torments of the Hollywood celebrity machine, so be it.

Its not like some day soon, some chambermaid will find him naked in a closet, bound and strangled, on the losing side of a gamble for the perfect orgasm. This week isn't the first case of autoerotic asphyxiation among celebrities.

If you read the link, "AA" kills a 1,000 people a year in the United States. Not much in the grand scheme but the question is: 1,000 dead out of how many who tried this exercise in supreme self-gratification? Not a big number I would guess but I'm not about to poll my friends to confirm that. 1% of US men would be roughly 1.5 million people. 0.1% is 150,000 people. I'd say 0.1% of US men strangled themselves while yanking their bishops last calendar year. 1,000 on 150,000 reduces to 1:150 - 1 death per 150 practitioners.

Thats a lot of dead people, especially compared to other risky thrill-ride type activities, such as skydiving or helli-skiing. No thrill-seeking activity kills practioners like grabbing at nirvanna via "AA". If anything gathered up victims at the same clip that "AA" does, there would be politicians lining up to regulate the activity to death. But on this, they are quiet. No laws, no government certified equipment, not even helmets.

Labels: In hollywood you have scientolofists or jerk-chokers

Maybe one of Iggy's most famous lines but this time applied to the so-called grassroots revolt over his decision to support some crime bill that didn't include free heroin for the prisoners or whatever.

Susan Delacourt reports on the cyberfuror raging across the blogosphere. Her sample includes big-gun, top-dog Liberal bloggers having fits and tantrums over the decision with powerful language like:

"very disappointing one to say the least" scott's diatribes
"Not too glorious, Iggy. You should be ashamed " big city lib
"Don’t tell me we can do both Liberal Party...it’s BS" Woman at Mile 0
"one of the dumbest things I've seen... in decades" Jim Curran

But do these harsh words really mean a grassroots revolt? Or, to borrow Ignatieff's writing style, are these but a herd of irritable worms wriggling in the fields? The tranquility of irritable worms is cheaply purchased by political success. And Michael Ignatieff is delivering the goods. So they may blow some lefty steam off on a Friday afternoon; come Monday, they'll be back doing the clapping seal routine with vim and vigor.

And the coming months offers these progressives the prospect of much more belly-aching about having to offer the nation Harpereff in order to even have a chance at besting PM Harper. In politics, stomach pains have only one remedy: winning.

Labels: 30% or more guarantees no revolt

1
Last night, Iggy said, "culture is the economy". Pithy and pitiable at the same time. Does he mean that Kruger's recycled paper will be considered for a Giller prize? Or does he mean that, given the enormous contribution this blog makes to Canada's culture, that there should be some economic spin-offs to its author? If the latter, I'm on board!

2
The Star reports on the fundraiser and in the article refers to the government as the "Progressive Conservatives". If the Star is losing baskets of money, maybe its because it reports on news a decade later....

3
One difference, a sexy babe with big boobs who had a history with the mob. Strange how that was such a big issue then, but not so much now.

4
Note: if you are going to die in a hotel closet with a noose around your neck and other parts, Bangkok is about the worst place to do it.

5
As usual, only one federal politician is working on the issues that matter to our economy instead of promising Robert Charlebois retrospectives.

Labels: Back to work

Nothing like the insanity of separatist dogma to bring fresh enemies together in common purpose. Brian Lilley of CJAD (an english Montreal radio station that I know of but do not listen to) has a good column about Duceppe's line of attack on Iggy.

In the article, he mentions a major bee in the Bloc bonnet: federal bridges that link the island of Montreal to the mainland give information and instructions in french and english. For a separatist, encountering the english language in public causes a violent reaction that only a massive dose of anti-histamines will settle. So, they fight it everywhere, even safety instructions on the busiest bridge in Canada, Pont Champlain.

Most francophones would prefer to have Vermont and New York Neighbours coming up for a visit to be as safe as possible when crossing Pont Champlain into Montreal. Most francophones, particularly when on the bridge and just behind one such confused and overwhelmed farmer from Malone, New York, would like said farmer to steer that pick-up to safety and not cause a pile-up over the middle of the swift St-Lawrence.

It reminds me of a traffic sign the Quebec government posts when you cross into Quebec from the US border states of NY, VT, NH or ME. The sign tells drivers that Quebec practices the metric system and that from now on, all speed limit signs are quoting speeds in kilometers per hour, not miles per hour. The sign is completely french.

Its the ultimate punchline to the insanity of Bloc dogmatism:

The folks who can read the sign don't need to be told that speeds are in km/hr.

The folks who need to be told that speeds are in km/hr can't read french.

Its only slightly more effective than having no sign at all.

My conclusion:

Michael Ignatieff's position on bilingual signage on Montreal bridges is pretty thin gruel for the charge of betraying the Quebecois nation.

As a Quebecker, I think I am entitled to suggest that if anyone has betrayed the Quebecois nation, it is its separatist movement. That movement, as Quebec rock band The Box would say, "is walking on a tightrope of insanity."

Drive safe everybody!

Labels: Language Fanaticism in Quebec

Iggy's people are floating a rumour that Stephen Harper will retire in the fall because he will be too afraid to face the - um - juggernaut Ignatieff machine. Supposedly, the best case scenario is another miserable minority which Stephen Harper could not stomach.

Stephen Harper became party leader and Prime Minister by asking voters for a mandate. Iggy did not win a leadership race to become party leader and he and his party tried to do the same in with government in December, 2008. It doesn't help Iggy to have the "he's afraid of an election" meme floating around as it just reminds Canadians that there was only one way Iggy can get elected to anything - cancel the election.

So, is it smart for Iggy's camp to spread a rumour about one of Iggy's weaknesses, even if the rumour is about someone else? Wouldn't the rebound risk outweigh whatever merits Liberal strategists calculated?

Especially now when Iggy is doing the Liberal routine of fire-breathing and government-slaying. When the inevitable climbdown happens, completing the seasonal ritual, it will reinforce what the fake rumours reinforce:

Michael Ignatieff is scared of elections and that's mostly because his one experience with it ended with him losing.

To Stephane Dion.

Labels: And Scott Brison is trying out for Canada's Got Talent

THE SCENE: Darth Vader and colleagues from the 11th Imperial Battalion are in Conference Room B of Deck 9 on the Imperial Destroyer Controller. The meeting has adjourned but an admiral and a few generals linger to finish off the coffee with Lord Vader.

Conference Room B has windows looking out into space from floor to ceiling. Its walls are brushed aluminum and the white neon lights recessed into the ceiling give Darth Vader's helmet a certain sparkle. He is leaning up against the coffee bar at the back of the room. The others crowd him with a mix of fear and adulation.

General Kang: Lord Vader, one issue remains unresolved sir. And, its best to handle this off-record.

Darth Vader (suddenly choking General Kang with his mind and the force): What would you hide from the Emperor, general?

General Kang coughs, wheezes, thrashes fruitlessly, shakes his head vigorously. Lord Vader releases him and he gasps deeply.

General Kang: Lord Vader, I hide nothing. It is a matter of ship harmony and if it must be on record, I will help do so. But let me tell you first what it is.

Vader: Fine. (sips his coffee)

Kang: Its Sanchez and Volkov, in the laundry on deck 43.

Vader: Never heard of them.

Kang: As it sould be sir. They wash clothes and polish storm trooper suits. They are civilian employees on this ship.

Vader: So?

Kang: They are in love sir. They wish to be married.

Vader: The issue is?

Kang: Juan Sanchez and Vladimr Volkov, sir. They are both men sir.

Vader: Oh.

Kang: And since you have rank to carry out marriage ceremonies on ship, the issue becomes thornier.

Vader: Since they are private contractors for the imperial military and therefore not subject to the same-sex ban imposed on imperial military personnel.

Kang: Exactly. If either was military, the issue would not have risen to this level of problem-solving.

Vader finishes his coffee, sighs heavily and looks around at his colleagues.

Vader: Its not an easy issue for anyone, including me. It comes down to what I think works between people and in society at large. Trust me, I haven't always been so open-minded about these kinds of things. However, my cape is proof that I don't shy away from blazing trails. With Luke back in my life - sure he hates me but at least he's on my radar screen -

The generals laugh because they all know how hard it can be to connect with estranged children.

Vader: Well, Luke has a right to be happy. Luke has the right to figure out what kind of relationships he needs to keep happy. A father doesn't stand in the way of that. And no one else should either. I guess what I am saying, General Kang, is that I will be happy to marry Juan and Vladimir. If that's what tumbles their clothes dry, so be it.

General Kang (in shock): But Lord Vader, the emperor might not like the idea. Are you sure this is wise?

Darth Vader: Didn't we say this conversation was off record?

Labels: Interesting Clips Featuring Dick Cheney

Canada's political class was rocked this afternoon when the federal Liberals blasted the Ontario Liberals for posting a whopping deficit.

One source close to Iggy called for Ontario's finance minister to resign:

"Its incompetence of the highest order. There is no excuse for such poor economic planning.... the minister has to resign."

Another senior Liberal said the shocking deficit caused him to re-evaluate the provincial cousins:

"Here we are lauding the Ontario Liberals last week for getting a Mike Harris deficit under control and suddenly they are stealing a page from the common sense playbook."

A well-placed Liberal strategist mused that helping GM was dumb politics:

"Its not like those auto workers would ever vote for us. They are so knee deep in Dipperdom, they tan yellow. But the real problem is this: if Ontario Liberals are basically performing like the federal Tories, then how can we brand Tory times as tough times? How can we say that Liberals are the party of fiscal rectitude and Tories are the drunken sailors spending your money? Let's face it, it royally sucks."

Labels: Grits have one electoral chance... now

Monday morning is a time when everyone needs a chuckle. Except maybe that Weston who does the Loblaw's commercials. He's so stinking rich, he can't tell a Monday from a Thursday from a Saturday night. Also, he doesn't come across as the sort of fellow who keeps up with complicated things like the days of the week (see film, "Being There".)

Thankfully, the Liberals have delivered. When they aren't trying to limit free speech and legislate public discourse to something palatable for Liberals, they are launching a campaign to win over religious people.

This represents a sea-change in political posturing from the un-natural governing party. Liberals have been famously chauvinist in their secularism; derisive towards anyone who mentions God or that the purpose of life is something other than having government-subsidized multiple orgasms; dismissive of any narrative that veers away from the Gospel according to Gore.

The move would be a terrific thing for Canada. Afterall, whenever something approximating a church-vs-state issue rears its ugly head, the Canadian political class (that includes you, press gallery) embarasses the rest of the nation with a debate between two infantile, fundamentalist positions. Imagine if both national parties insisted of lifting the discussion to more sophisticated levels? Imagine Iggy slapping down his chief strategist, Warren Kinsella, for being continually disrespectful of views that deviate from his own circumscribed humanism?

But it won't happen. A scorpion, afterall, is a scorpion.

Labels: Monday morning