Saturday, February 28, 2009
Parisian French
A week ago, I was talking with a Calgarian who recounted his family vacation to Quebec last summer. His daughters struggled on the trip to understand the spoken french. "You see," he informed me,"we teach Parisian french here, so they don't get the Quebec accent."
I have heard this line so many times from english Canadians and Americans that I've decided to let you bumpkins in on a secret:
Telling people that you or your kin are learning "Parisian" french is a bit of a joke.
First, why? Does Alberta actually waste money heading out to Paris to recruit french teachers? When they stop in Montreal on the way, did they ever think it might be cheaper and more convenient to corral teachers there? When they arrive in Paris and someone from Nantes or Toulouse comes looking for work, do they spurn them? "Ah, sorry, while we love Calais, we want our children to learn Parisian french. You know, so they sound like those youths who firebomb passing Renaults."
Second, why again? Parisians sound as pleasant as air compressors. Quebec french is clear and open: it sounds the way North Americans should and would speak french.
Afterall, if Parisian french is such a premium out in Lethbridge or Pittsburgh, why aren't you recruiting the cast of Coronation Street to teach your kids how to speak english?
I have heard this line so many times from english Canadians and Americans that I've decided to let you bumpkins in on a secret:
Telling people that you or your kin are learning "Parisian" french is a bit of a joke.
First, why? Does Alberta actually waste money heading out to Paris to recruit french teachers? When they stop in Montreal on the way, did they ever think it might be cheaper and more convenient to corral teachers there? When they arrive in Paris and someone from Nantes or Toulouse comes looking for work, do they spurn them? "Ah, sorry, while we love Calais, we want our children to learn Parisian french. You know, so they sound like those youths who firebomb passing Renaults."
Second, why again? Parisians sound as pleasant as air compressors. Quebec french is clear and open: it sounds the way North Americans should and would speak french.
Afterall, if Parisian french is such a premium out in Lethbridge or Pittsburgh, why aren't you recruiting the cast of Coronation Street to teach your kids how to speak english?
Labels: Just doing my bit to turn rubes into rubies
Friday, February 27, 2009
When Aa Caveat is not a Caveat
Like all of you, images of summer have begun to flash across that screen in my brain. This story has me thinking of a particularly summery image: the fly, trapped inside your house, bashing against a window over and over and over and over and over again, hoping that maybe this time, there'll be no glass and freedom will be his. Only until you intervene, trap the fly and release it outside, does it win its freedom. Left to his own devices, its bump, buzz, bump, buzz, bump, buzz until it starves.
So, the heroic titan of Liberaldom, Michael Ignatieff, allowed passage of the Tory budget but with a major condition. There would be three reports delivered to parliament on the spending progress which would offer an opportunity to vote no confidence in the government. Brave, leaderly Iggy warned the Tories that they were "on probation".
Turns out, the Liberals are already caving on their first review. They are telling everyone who'll listen, "don't worry, that first report won't mean a bit with regards to whether we defeat or support the government."
My Liberal strategy-think is weak, admitedly, so I am at a loss as to why the Liberals would engineer an opportunity to affirm their support of the Tory government. If they knew the March report would have no effect on them, they should not have asked for it. Instead, they want to make yet another big show of how terrific the Harper government is.
On balance, I'm okay with that.
So, the heroic titan of Liberaldom, Michael Ignatieff, allowed passage of the Tory budget but with a major condition. There would be three reports delivered to parliament on the spending progress which would offer an opportunity to vote no confidence in the government. Brave, leaderly Iggy warned the Tories that they were "on probation".
Turns out, the Liberals are already caving on their first review. They are telling everyone who'll listen, "don't worry, that first report won't mean a bit with regards to whether we defeat or support the government."
My Liberal strategy-think is weak, admitedly, so I am at a loss as to why the Liberals would engineer an opportunity to affirm their support of the Tory government. If they knew the March report would have no effect on them, they should not have asked for it. Instead, they want to make yet another big show of how terrific the Harper government is.
On balance, I'm okay with that.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Harper's Base
Paul Wells gives us this picture under the title:
Fickle people of all stripes can gripe about x or y, but I'd bet that a vast majority of the Tory base looks at that picture and beams. Compared alongside Barack Obama, Stephen Harper looks pretty awesome. Canadians see that now. Tories can only smile.
Fun surprise at the bottom of the box: due to our rapturous love for Barack Obama, Canadians have accepted whatever comes out of his mouth with religious import. Where Canada and the US agenda meet, Stephen Harper and Barack Obama are in sync like few historical precedents or potential replacements for Stephen Harper. Example: last week, Anna Maria Tremonte was wigging out over some deputy undersecretary to the assistant secretary of a US department talking about, essentially, emissions intensity targets. Canadian Obamaniacs will be confronted with the conflict of having to embrace most of Stephen Harper's positions that they had previously thought satanic.
Last bit: so its not a shout out, its a sign of confidence that the Conservative agenda - having been rocked by the coalition attempt - is back on the march.
Labels: I feel like going out and buying an american car
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
He's the Boss
Stephen Harper disagrees on a rescue of the CBC.
How does that make Chuckercanuck feel, given the last post? Actually, to quote Yosh and Stan Shmengie, "my feet have the tingles in them". And that feeling can't be beat, its like enjoying cabbage rolls and coffee.
Stephen Harper's decision is the nobler option, afterall.
The CBC's ad revenues are falling. They are asking the government for a hand out because they have no options to reverse the trend and have decided to seek the easiest path to replace the lost revenues.
Just like GM, the government has to ask: do you have a plan to reverse the revenue decline? do you have a plan to contain costs within this low-revenue environment? A government can't just throw money around without a sobre look at the picture: even if this will cause Jann Arden or that DaVinci guy to declare the end of the world.
People have to watch the shows if you want to get advertisers to pay for air time. I know that's radical blashphemy in the Canadian arts establishment, but it happens to be true.
One question though: is there a legal impediment to permitting the CBC to raise funds from viewers via a pledge drive or fundraiser?
How does that make Chuckercanuck feel, given the last post? Actually, to quote Yosh and Stan Shmengie, "my feet have the tingles in them". And that feeling can't be beat, its like enjoying cabbage rolls and coffee.
Stephen Harper's decision is the nobler option, afterall.
The CBC's ad revenues are falling. They are asking the government for a hand out because they have no options to reverse the trend and have decided to seek the easiest path to replace the lost revenues.
Just like GM, the government has to ask: do you have a plan to reverse the revenue decline? do you have a plan to contain costs within this low-revenue environment? A government can't just throw money around without a sobre look at the picture: even if this will cause Jann Arden or that DaVinci guy to declare the end of the world.
People have to watch the shows if you want to get advertisers to pay for air time. I know that's radical blashphemy in the Canadian arts establishment, but it happens to be true.
One question though: is there a legal impediment to permitting the CBC to raise funds from viewers via a pledge drive or fundraiser?
Labels: Iggys going to pretend he's been listening to the cbc all his life
Pinch your nose and bail out the CBC
The CBC is leaking money faster than a sceptic field leaks sh--- well, forget the analogy. Point is, it needs a quick cash grab from the government due to falling ad revenue.
While this will certainly earn me a few accusations of being a pinko commie, I say: give it to them.
Otherwise, you know how the story will go. Margaret Atwood and Yann Martel and Steven Page (the EX-Barenaked Lady) and the cast of Little Mosque on the Prairie will hit the airwaves with accusations that Conservatives are killing Canada's culture. The press gallery will write tomes about how the CBC has been the bedrock of opposition against the Conservative party and that not funding the CBC is a form of censorship. Even more goofy, Quebec separatists will notch this on the famed belt of humiliation and list the demise of the Canadian broadcasting corporation as proof that Quebec needs its own country (separatists run the french side of that company).
Sure, I want desperately to say - as Kate from SDA says so well, "you don't speak for me." I want the CBC to know that I have never seen MY Canadian story on the public broadcaster. My Canada only gets maligned or lampooned when it does show up on the tube or over the waves. Everyone at the CBC is so much more clever and in sync with the real Canada than I am. So they tell me. I want them to know - as I have blogged over these years - that there's more to Canada than sex and cancer; that -- and Kinsella will call me a racist for this -- diversity of thought is even MORE important than diversity of skin color.
But we need to play by the Kenny Rogers rules of the game: know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Fold 'em fast boys and don't expect any "thank yous".
While this will certainly earn me a few accusations of being a pinko commie, I say: give it to them.
Otherwise, you know how the story will go. Margaret Atwood and Yann Martel and Steven Page (the EX-Barenaked Lady) and the cast of Little Mosque on the Prairie will hit the airwaves with accusations that Conservatives are killing Canada's culture. The press gallery will write tomes about how the CBC has been the bedrock of opposition against the Conservative party and that not funding the CBC is a form of censorship. Even more goofy, Quebec separatists will notch this on the famed belt of humiliation and list the demise of the Canadian broadcasting corporation as proof that Quebec needs its own country (separatists run the french side of that company).
Sure, I want desperately to say - as Kate from SDA says so well, "you don't speak for me." I want the CBC to know that I have never seen MY Canadian story on the public broadcaster. My Canada only gets maligned or lampooned when it does show up on the tube or over the waves. Everyone at the CBC is so much more clever and in sync with the real Canada than I am. So they tell me. I want them to know - as I have blogged over these years - that there's more to Canada than sex and cancer; that -- and Kinsella will call me a racist for this -- diversity of thought is even MORE important than diversity of skin color.
But we need to play by the Kenny Rogers rules of the game: know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Fold 'em fast boys and don't expect any "thank yous".
Labels: And now I open myself up to vitriol and dissent - awesome
Monday, February 23, 2009
From the Department of Understatements
Global warming will lead to an extended world war, says Sir Nicholas Stern of the famed Stern Report. Apparently, his warning that global warming will kill off the alpine skiing industry did not move enough people to the alarmist camp so he is notching things up a bit.
Of course, he is missing the key nightmare scenario that global warming presents:
When the planet hits about 4 degrees warmer than today (these are my calculations, so I may be off a degree or two), the dead will rise and craze human flesh. If you get bitten by a re-surrected dead person, you will become a brain-eating zombie too.
Personally, I will start car-pooling and lowering my thermostat in order to avoid a zombie invasion.
As to an extended world war, here's a sure fire way to curb that war:
Burn all the fossil fuels. See, if we gots no fossil fuels left, it will be mighty hard to wage a world war. Sure, Canada could see an invasion from the Philipines, but we'll get about a 4 week warning of their coming unless they pick up a good no'r-easter off Cape Hattaras.
Of course, he is missing the key nightmare scenario that global warming presents:
When the planet hits about 4 degrees warmer than today (these are my calculations, so I may be off a degree or two), the dead will rise and craze human flesh. If you get bitten by a re-surrected dead person, you will become a brain-eating zombie too.
Personally, I will start car-pooling and lowering my thermostat in order to avoid a zombie invasion.
As to an extended world war, here's a sure fire way to curb that war:
Burn all the fossil fuels. See, if we gots no fossil fuels left, it will be mighty hard to wage a world war. Sure, Canada could see an invasion from the Philipines, but we'll get about a 4 week warning of their coming unless they pick up a good no'r-easter off Cape Hattaras.
Labels: Funniest bit is the guy was jetsetting to South Africa when he made this pronouncement
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Two slips down CUPE's slope
Dear Newfoundland academics,
Recently, CUPE passed a resolution which called for your banning in CUPE run post-secondary educational institutions due to your province's participation in the cull of seals. Only when the seal hunt has stopped will your contribution to academic life be recognized at most Ontario universities and others.
Regards, CUPE
Dear Alberta academics,
Its not just that you're all neo-con extremists, but a recent CUPE resolution passed urging action against the dirty oil of Ft. MacMurray. Until Alberta returns that town to the magical eden it was before tarsand exploitation, you will not be welcome in Ontario universities.
Take care, CUPE
Recently, CUPE passed a resolution which called for your banning in CUPE run post-secondary educational institutions due to your province's participation in the cull of seals. Only when the seal hunt has stopped will your contribution to academic life be recognized at most Ontario universities and others.
Regards, CUPE
Dear Alberta academics,
Its not just that you're all neo-con extremists, but a recent CUPE resolution passed urging action against the dirty oil of Ft. MacMurray. Until Alberta returns that town to the magical eden it was before tarsand exploitation, you will not be welcome in Ontario universities.
Take care, CUPE
Labels: Mermaidia is crying so I had to cut this one short
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Ben voyons dons, Pauline
Let's get building a country, Pauline says. Let's not wait for the citizens of this country to approve the project, Pauline says.
Where else in the world could a serious contender for government make statements as serious as the above? Clue: all the correct answers to that question are ugly places. But in Quebec, we shrug our shoulders.
The easiest time to talk up country-making in Quebec is when the prospect is logistically impossible. The PQ can get brave with no consequences. The rest of us can shrug because it means nothing.
Still, its worth stopping to note the barbaric suggestion the PQ is making: advance the works of a project that has been twice rejected by the citizenry. That's called usurption, a hostile takeover.
If they were serious about getting on with the project of making a country - serious as in, "we're going to win this time", they would do the following:
Make painful territorial concessions that would reduce the landmass and - more significantly - tax base of the new country of Quebec. The country of Quebec will never be born on the exact territory of the province of Quebec. If this inevitable outcome became programmed into the separatist project, they would stand a chance of winnign a referendum.
I will make no claim about the total extent of that part of the province of Quebec that will never separate from Canada.However, in Montreal, this would inarguably be the Western portion of the island. Western Montreal will not ever pay taxes to a country called Quebec. It will always be a province of Canada.
My gut tells me that there are quite a few more regions of the province of Quebec that will never pay taxes to a country called Quebec. The contiguity of this landmass is irrelevant because, as Parizeau would be the first to point out, relations between two countries, Canada and Quebec, will be more intimate than any two other nations in the world. There will be no need for disruptions - physical, legal or economic - between the two countries. Canada can pick up where Quebec leaves off by the postal code.
If separatists were serious, they would admit this point now and begin planning for a peaceful transition to the only way their option can happen. In doing so, they could win a majority of Quebeckers by luring soft, risk-averse nationalists to vote for separation and comforting federalists enough with an exit strategy to see a small drop in their turn-out. 50,000 votes plus one, right?
Separatists should engage Quebeckers with a picture of the country of Quebec - perhaps 1/4 of its current landmass but still 3/4 of its population. At first shocking given past rhetoric, but ultimately convincing. That country, Quebec, has natural resource wealth, strategic position, tremendous market access, and, by getting rid of core federalist in ceding territory to Canada, a population dedicated fully to the success of the country making project.
Otherwise, c'est ridicule.
Where else in the world could a serious contender for government make statements as serious as the above? Clue: all the correct answers to that question are ugly places. But in Quebec, we shrug our shoulders.
The easiest time to talk up country-making in Quebec is when the prospect is logistically impossible. The PQ can get brave with no consequences. The rest of us can shrug because it means nothing.
Still, its worth stopping to note the barbaric suggestion the PQ is making: advance the works of a project that has been twice rejected by the citizenry. That's called usurption, a hostile takeover.
If they were serious about getting on with the project of making a country - serious as in, "we're going to win this time", they would do the following:
Make painful territorial concessions that would reduce the landmass and - more significantly - tax base of the new country of Quebec. The country of Quebec will never be born on the exact territory of the province of Quebec. If this inevitable outcome became programmed into the separatist project, they would stand a chance of winnign a referendum.
I will make no claim about the total extent of that part of the province of Quebec that will never separate from Canada.However, in Montreal, this would inarguably be the Western portion of the island. Western Montreal will not ever pay taxes to a country called Quebec. It will always be a province of Canada.
My gut tells me that there are quite a few more regions of the province of Quebec that will never pay taxes to a country called Quebec. The contiguity of this landmass is irrelevant because, as Parizeau would be the first to point out, relations between two countries, Canada and Quebec, will be more intimate than any two other nations in the world. There will be no need for disruptions - physical, legal or economic - between the two countries. Canada can pick up where Quebec leaves off by the postal code.
If separatists were serious, they would admit this point now and begin planning for a peaceful transition to the only way their option can happen. In doing so, they could win a majority of Quebeckers by luring soft, risk-averse nationalists to vote for separation and comforting federalists enough with an exit strategy to see a small drop in their turn-out. 50,000 votes plus one, right?
Separatists should engage Quebeckers with a picture of the country of Quebec - perhaps 1/4 of its current landmass but still 3/4 of its population. At first shocking given past rhetoric, but ultimately convincing. That country, Quebec, has natural resource wealth, strategic position, tremendous market access, and, by getting rid of core federalist in ceding territory to Canada, a population dedicated fully to the success of the country making project.
Otherwise, c'est ridicule.
Labels: Separatists are separatists are separatists
James T. Kirk: Tory PM
William Shatner wants to run Canada. I say: yes he can! The thought of Spock as Minister of Foreign Affairs gives me the tingles. Now, Kinsella (who, unlike Chuckercanuck, does not get links in the New York Times) thinks Kirk would be a Liberal. Sorry, dude, but here are five clear reasons that Captain Kirk and the whole enterprise crew are Tories:
1. The Prime Directive
USS Starfleet command mandates that above all, Kirk and the gang can never interfere in the development of alien societies. We call that laisser-faire civil evolution. Liberals believe in social engineering. Liberals would never visit a planet without lecturing it on how wrong it does things and then forcing it, at gun point, to re-engineer itself to more Liberal ways of being.
2. Kirk gets Babes
Liberals are not sexy. Kirk has babes, human and other, throwing themselves at him. Why? Because those babes know he isn't about to bore the shit out of them about climate change and social housing. Babes won't be stuck listening to him tell them about how morally pure and upright he is. Better yet, they know he won't hit them up for a contribution to some "activist fund" he's getting started.
3. "Fire!"
Captain Kirk, with that single word, uttered the second greatest line in all of movie making (the first being: "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"). He said it in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country. Why is that so Tory? Because its decisive. Liberals are not dicisive. They have backbones likes raggedy-anne dolls. They say: "coalition if necessary but not necessarily a coalition" or (on the Plains of Abraham idiocy) "its not for me to be for or against the re-enactment" or (on Afghanistan mission extension) "we'll cross that bridge when we get there". Kirk knows himself and what he believes. That's a tory.
4. Taxes
Not ever - not a single episode or movie scene - does Kirk complain about taxes. That's because they pay a flat tax in the future which doesn't harmfully burden high-wage earners like Captain Kirk. He doesn't have to dodge taxes like a liberal. Nor does he have to engage in debates about what social problem will be used to dress up a tax grab since all social problems have been solved in the future (thanks to Tories).
5. Self-deprecation
Kirk has put out some of the best pop music albums ever made. They are catchy, tuneful and funny. Funny because he can laugh at himself. He doesn't believe, as Liberals do, that he is Jesus or Bhudda come to save the planet of all its problems --- even after having saved dozens of planets from destruction! Humility and accepting that a person / generation can only make small, incremental progress towards human happiness is the heart of Tory thinking.
Admitedly, there's one thing that could push James T. Kirk into the Liberal camp. Like the leader of the Liberal party, Kirk has been in outer space for most of his life and would only recently be back to proclaim his position as leader of our country. Aliens of a feather....
1. The Prime Directive
USS Starfleet command mandates that above all, Kirk and the gang can never interfere in the development of alien societies. We call that laisser-faire civil evolution. Liberals believe in social engineering. Liberals would never visit a planet without lecturing it on how wrong it does things and then forcing it, at gun point, to re-engineer itself to more Liberal ways of being.
2. Kirk gets Babes
Liberals are not sexy. Kirk has babes, human and other, throwing themselves at him. Why? Because those babes know he isn't about to bore the shit out of them about climate change and social housing. Babes won't be stuck listening to him tell them about how morally pure and upright he is. Better yet, they know he won't hit them up for a contribution to some "activist fund" he's getting started.
3. "Fire!"
Captain Kirk, with that single word, uttered the second greatest line in all of movie making (the first being: "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"). He said it in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country. Why is that so Tory? Because its decisive. Liberals are not dicisive. They have backbones likes raggedy-anne dolls. They say: "coalition if necessary but not necessarily a coalition" or (on the Plains of Abraham idiocy) "its not for me to be for or against the re-enactment" or (on Afghanistan mission extension) "we'll cross that bridge when we get there". Kirk knows himself and what he believes. That's a tory.
4. Taxes
Not ever - not a single episode or movie scene - does Kirk complain about taxes. That's because they pay a flat tax in the future which doesn't harmfully burden high-wage earners like Captain Kirk. He doesn't have to dodge taxes like a liberal. Nor does he have to engage in debates about what social problem will be used to dress up a tax grab since all social problems have been solved in the future (thanks to Tories).
5. Self-deprecation
Kirk has put out some of the best pop music albums ever made. They are catchy, tuneful and funny. Funny because he can laugh at himself. He doesn't believe, as Liberals do, that he is Jesus or Bhudda come to save the planet of all its problems --- even after having saved dozens of planets from destruction! Humility and accepting that a person / generation can only make small, incremental progress towards human happiness is the heart of Tory thinking.
Admitedly, there's one thing that could push James T. Kirk into the Liberal camp. Like the leader of the Liberal party, Kirk has been in outer space for most of his life and would only recently be back to proclaim his position as leader of our country. Aliens of a feather....
Labels: Kirk for PM unless he's a Liberal which he couldn't possibly be
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thanks for the Link, New York Times
Apparently, the ankle-licking joke was good enough to make it into the
New York Times. Suddenly, I realize how wrong I've been about the New York Times these last years. They aren't fantastical lefties - they run the most respected, discerning and intelligent publication in the world.
I realize that when the next wave of laughs at Iggy's expense washes by, that link won't have what I'm talking about. So, for posterity (click to enlarge):
Labels: I think I'll rename this blog True Patriot Love
Saving Paul Wells the Trouble
Paul Wells loves to remind us what the New York Times is saying, and I thought I'd lighten his load today by linking you folks to the NYT review of Obama's visit yesterday: "Obama makes overtures to Canada's leader".
(Not, "Obama makes overtures to Canada." Nor, "Obama cuddles with Canada's Opposition".)
My favorite bit of the article:
"Mr. Harper, for his part, responded to a question about border security by saying that “threats to the United States are threats to Canada.” It was a powerful sound bite that appeared to be the final word of the news conference..."
As friend Springer pointed out, it was indeed a powerful statement.
Other fun things the NYT pointed out can be summed up in a nutshell:
Obama delivered what the Prime Minister wanted on trade, the environment and Afghanistan. Meanwhile, the meeting with Iggy might have left the born-again Canadian giggling but on his only chance to score some sympathy from the President - the Kadhr affair - Iggy got zilch. (Well, he did get 30 minutes with Bob Rae as chaperone.)
(Not, "Obama makes overtures to Canada." Nor, "Obama cuddles with Canada's Opposition".)
My favorite bit of the article:
"Mr. Harper, for his part, responded to a question about border security by saying that “threats to the United States are threats to Canada.” It was a powerful sound bite that appeared to be the final word of the news conference..."
As friend Springer pointed out, it was indeed a powerful statement.
Other fun things the NYT pointed out can be summed up in a nutshell:
Obama delivered what the Prime Minister wanted on trade, the environment and Afghanistan. Meanwhile, the meeting with Iggy might have left the born-again Canadian giggling but on his only chance to score some sympathy from the President - the Kadhr affair - Iggy got zilch. (Well, he did get 30 minutes with Bob Rae as chaperone.)
Labels: Again - if Liberals want to be competitive, they should put Bob in charge come May
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Harpermania Explained
To follow up on this wicked strong Andrew Coyne piece, many of you know that Harpermania was programmed deep in the genetic codes used to engineer Chuckercanuck.
Harpermaniac is a joke. Enthusiastic mania is anathema to Stephen Harper, politician. No one thinks he's a couple steps closer to God than any of the rest of us. We don't swoon, scream or fall into trance at the sound of his sing song voice. That's what makes him awesome and unique. That's the ironic part of the joke: that its a joke makes it not a joke. Which, when you think of it, is a joke. Why do the Liberals feel the need to proffer up prophets and poets to execute highway building projects, national defense and other government functions?
Canada, to borrow from the Tina Turner song for Mad Max 3, doesn't need another hero. We don't need sexy politics. And we know the key to world peace is making government boring. We also know that one man or one four year term has zilch of a chance to make something like that happen. And that's why investing the farm in a hero is not the Canadian way.
Stephen Harper embodies that exact point. By slaying the hero-leader archtype, he becomes a hero and I, a Harpermaniac.
Harpermaniac is a joke. Enthusiastic mania is anathema to Stephen Harper, politician. No one thinks he's a couple steps closer to God than any of the rest of us. We don't swoon, scream or fall into trance at the sound of his sing song voice. That's what makes him awesome and unique. That's the ironic part of the joke: that its a joke makes it not a joke. Which, when you think of it, is a joke. Why do the Liberals feel the need to proffer up prophets and poets to execute highway building projects, national defense and other government functions?
Canada, to borrow from the Tina Turner song for Mad Max 3, doesn't need another hero. We don't need sexy politics. And we know the key to world peace is making government boring. We also know that one man or one four year term has zilch of a chance to make something like that happen. And that's why investing the farm in a hero is not the Canadian way.
Stephen Harper embodies that exact point. By slaying the hero-leader archtype, he becomes a hero and I, a Harpermaniac.
Labels: When does Bob Rae figure out Harper vs Iggy will end up worse than Harper vs. Dion?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
How long does it take to say: "May I lick your ankles?"
Far be it form me to offer up advice to the formidable Liberal strategy team rushing Michael Ignatieff into our arms, but let me just say this:
Quibbling over whether you get 20 minutes vs. 15 minutes face-time with President Obama looks.... looks... looks... pathetic. The course of human civilization will not, I predict, depend on that extra five minutes. Nor will whatever lemonade you squeeze from that handshake on the tarmac. And if you really want to make a play for time, go for the gusto: demand 23 minutes. Minimum.
Quibbling over whether you get 20 minutes vs. 15 minutes face-time with President Obama looks.... looks... looks... pathetic. The course of human civilization will not, I predict, depend on that extra five minutes. Nor will whatever lemonade you squeeze from that handshake on the tarmac. And if you really want to make a play for time, go for the gusto: demand 23 minutes. Minimum.
Labels: Don't get me started on the creepy Ignatieff brothers stuff
Monday, February 16, 2009
Reason #74 that I could never be a politician
I imagine myself, standing before the skeptical faces of the press gallery, their loathing for my conservatism oozing into the ether, as I am forced to say:
"All I had was a sip of wine at lunch. I didn't even finish the glass."
What a horrid nightmare. Who on this planet wants to admit they didn't finish a glass of wine poured for them? And who, really, wants to face a bunch of journalists and their Cassandra-style questions on economic stimulus without the personal stimulus that a shot of whiskey provides?
Count me out. Because if you want to scrum me after dinner, I reserve the right to fall asleep as I listen to your overlong questions, to slur my speech and do a fantastic impression of Peter Sellers in "The Party".
"All I had was a sip of wine at lunch. I didn't even finish the glass."
What a horrid nightmare. Who on this planet wants to admit they didn't finish a glass of wine poured for them? And who, really, wants to face a bunch of journalists and their Cassandra-style questions on economic stimulus without the personal stimulus that a shot of whiskey provides?
Count me out. Because if you want to scrum me after dinner, I reserve the right to fall asleep as I listen to your overlong questions, to slur my speech and do a fantastic impression of Peter Sellers in "The Party".
Labels: John McCallum suddenly doesn't feel so lonely anymore
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Victory on the Plains of Abraham
The re-enactment of the battle of the Plains of Abraham is cancelled.
I think we can agree with the separatists, this amounts to their single greatest achievement in 30 years. They were not so lucky turning back Paul McCartney, but a bunch of geeks in costumes? Crushed like bugs on a windshield.
And its a terrific message to send the world: here in Quebec, hatreds and humiliations linger for centuries. A man, born in 1974, can harbor resentments from events that happened over 400 years ago. Here in Quebec, we say that's normal and healthy.
So, my Serbian, Kosovar, Bosnian friends: remember that battle 800 years ago? We agree! You should still be pissed.
And my friends in the middle east, remember the crusades? You should still be pissed.
Ukranians should still hate Mongolians. Hungarians should hate Turks. And the english still have every right to covet Brittany.
At least, that's how we see it in vibrant, confident Quebec.
I think we can agree with the separatists, this amounts to their single greatest achievement in 30 years. They were not so lucky turning back Paul McCartney, but a bunch of geeks in costumes? Crushed like bugs on a windshield.
And its a terrific message to send the world: here in Quebec, hatreds and humiliations linger for centuries. A man, born in 1974, can harbor resentments from events that happened over 400 years ago. Here in Quebec, we say that's normal and healthy.
So, my Serbian, Kosovar, Bosnian friends: remember that battle 800 years ago? We agree! You should still be pissed.
And my friends in the middle east, remember the crusades? You should still be pissed.
Ukranians should still hate Mongolians. Hungarians should hate Turks. And the english still have every right to covet Brittany.
At least, that's how we see it in vibrant, confident Quebec.
Labels: Separatists are separatists are separatists
Thursday, February 12, 2009
More Green Lessons from Communism
Thanks, Jason Bo Green, for tipping us off to this: 6 Green Lessons from Communism. I know this will shock many of you, but some folks like to use "climate change" to sneak in odes to communism. Well, this Brooklyn buddy forgot a whole whack of ways in which communism works greener than satanic capitalism. Here are five:
1. Publication banning
You can't save the planet and let everybody going off printing whatever they want. If the government banned materials and controlled electronic and paper printing, we could avoid climate change disasters.
2. Travel banning
You want to leave town? Apply for a travel permit. No permit? No go. If we can make travel burdensome and carry the threat of emprisonment or death, we will reduce greenhouse gas emissions hugely.
3. Food lines
Believe it or not, waiting four hours for a loaf of bread saves our climate. You see, if you weren't in that food line, you'd be off doing something else which would consume precious atmosphere. Why, a government that can occupy a full 24 hours per week per citizen waiting in store lines is a government that cares.
4. Increased Suicide Rates
No one likes suicide but as a measure to curb population control and GHG emissions, nothing beats Boris, a bottle of vodka and a swift flowing river in winter. Maybe two bottles of vodka for the extra bit of courage.
5. Prisons are efficient housing
Nothing saves GHGs like declaring half the population "political agitators" and slamming them into 3' x 2' cells. Feed them low calorie slop and watch the Arctic ice grow thicker than the Hasselhoff coiffe.
1. Publication banning
You can't save the planet and let everybody going off printing whatever they want. If the government banned materials and controlled electronic and paper printing, we could avoid climate change disasters.
2. Travel banning
You want to leave town? Apply for a travel permit. No permit? No go. If we can make travel burdensome and carry the threat of emprisonment or death, we will reduce greenhouse gas emissions hugely.
3. Food lines
Believe it or not, waiting four hours for a loaf of bread saves our climate. You see, if you weren't in that food line, you'd be off doing something else which would consume precious atmosphere. Why, a government that can occupy a full 24 hours per week per citizen waiting in store lines is a government that cares.
4. Increased Suicide Rates
No one likes suicide but as a measure to curb population control and GHG emissions, nothing beats Boris, a bottle of vodka and a swift flowing river in winter. Maybe two bottles of vodka for the extra bit of courage.
5. Prisons are efficient housing
Nothing saves GHGs like declaring half the population "political agitators" and slamming them into 3' x 2' cells. Feed them low calorie slop and watch the Arctic ice grow thicker than the Hasselhoff coiffe.
Labels: Pinko nutballs and phony environmentalists
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Peek-A-Boo
Somewhere in the offices of the leader of the opposition....
Handler 1: High-five me, Iggy!
Handler 2: What's the fuss about?
Handler 1: Oh, you should have heard his Igness, he called the Harper government a "peek-a-boo" government.
Handler 2: Get out! You didn't.
Iggy (smiling proudly): Sure did.
Handler 2: That's outrageous.
Handler 3: Their heads must be spinning!
Handler 1: I've said it once, I'll say it again, Michael Ignatieff is the Sultan of Sass.
Handler 2: He's super-sassy!
Handler 3: He's sas-cilicious!
Handler 1: He puts the sass in Saskatchewan!
Iggy: Folks, easy now.
Handler 3: What zinger will you zing next?
Iggy: No promises.
Handler 2: Oh come on. How about, when voting for the budget ways and means bill, you say, "you had me at hello."
Handler 3: That rocks!
Handler 1: Brilliant! What do you think Iggy?
Iggy: You come up with the ideas. Leave the pithiness to me.
Handler 1: High-five me, Iggy!
Handler 2: What's the fuss about?
Handler 1: Oh, you should have heard his Igness, he called the Harper government a "peek-a-boo" government.
Handler 2: Get out! You didn't.
Iggy (smiling proudly): Sure did.
Handler 2: That's outrageous.
Handler 3: Their heads must be spinning!
Handler 1: I've said it once, I'll say it again, Michael Ignatieff is the Sultan of Sass.
Handler 2: He's super-sassy!
Handler 3: He's sas-cilicious!
Handler 1: He puts the sass in Saskatchewan!
Iggy: Folks, easy now.
Handler 3: What zinger will you zing next?
Iggy: No promises.
Handler 2: Oh come on. How about, when voting for the budget ways and means bill, you say, "you had me at hello."
Handler 3: That rocks!
Handler 1: Brilliant! What do you think Iggy?
Iggy: You come up with the ideas. Leave the pithiness to me.
Labels: I liked it better when they said we had no social conscience
Monday, February 09, 2009
Monday Morons
Chuckercanuck introduces an occasional series today called Monday Morons. Its an opportunity to call attention to the ridiculists and absurdists who have way too much sway in our society.
Moron 1. Coldplay
My wife had a bit of the Grammy's on last night. It offered me a chance to see this hot british band, Coldplay whose nauseating anthems can be found everywhere in radioland. They are as bad as Radiohead, to be sure. I had to watch the drummer strike a drum like he was playing a Rachmaninoff piano concerto. Mermaidia can strike a drum, buddy. Its really not that impressive. Worse, the lead singer decided to wear a shirt too short for him and exposed his belly everytime he lifted his arms. Gross. Stupid song, silly behaviour, bad tailoring = Morons.
Moron 2. Jean Charest
Everything about Jean Charest is moronic. He is a separatist in federalist clothing. You want proof? The CBC announced this morning his plans to open a new "mini casino" consisting of hundreds of video lottery terminals. These soul thrashing machines amount to a tax on the poor and I am embarassed by Charest's leadership. Economic crisis? Let's legalize craps! The only thing worse is his two new buddies, Pauline Marois and Gilles Duceppe, would not stop at a few hundred terminals. They would put thousands in.
Moron 3. The Montreal Gazette
As per usual, they failed to deliver my paper this morning. Oops, now they tell me its been delayed. Hey, morons: if you can't get the paper to me before I go to work, don't bother getting it to me at all! I'll have had all the news I need by the time I see it tonight and will just bring it over to the recycling bin. And let's not pretend this is a "rare" occurence.
Moron 1. Coldplay
My wife had a bit of the Grammy's on last night. It offered me a chance to see this hot british band, Coldplay whose nauseating anthems can be found everywhere in radioland. They are as bad as Radiohead, to be sure. I had to watch the drummer strike a drum like he was playing a Rachmaninoff piano concerto. Mermaidia can strike a drum, buddy. Its really not that impressive. Worse, the lead singer decided to wear a shirt too short for him and exposed his belly everytime he lifted his arms. Gross. Stupid song, silly behaviour, bad tailoring = Morons.
Moron 2. Jean Charest
Everything about Jean Charest is moronic. He is a separatist in federalist clothing. You want proof? The CBC announced this morning his plans to open a new "mini casino" consisting of hundreds of video lottery terminals. These soul thrashing machines amount to a tax on the poor and I am embarassed by Charest's leadership. Economic crisis? Let's legalize craps! The only thing worse is his two new buddies, Pauline Marois and Gilles Duceppe, would not stop at a few hundred terminals. They would put thousands in.
Moron 3. The Montreal Gazette
As per usual, they failed to deliver my paper this morning. Oops, now they tell me its been delayed. Hey, morons: if you can't get the paper to me before I go to work, don't bother getting it to me at all! I'll have had all the news I need by the time I see it tonight and will just bring it over to the recycling bin. And let's not pretend this is a "rare" occurence.
Labels: Monday Morons Volume 1
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Why Can't All Liberals be like Danielle Takacs?
Here's a very funny blog post by a Liberal who isn't Calgary Grit. Stunned and shocked? Me too. But if maybe, just maybe, if everybody in leftyland to their cue from Danielle Takacs and not sophmoric whiners like ummm, let's call him, Jason Cherniak 2.0, there could be a lasting truce that would keep this parliament going for the next four years (i.e., the period of temporary deficits in Canada).
Now, to help Danielle along, I am going to do something I never do: I'm going to publish an actual email sent by Stephen Taylor to us so that she and other Liberals get a sense of what we really talk about when we conspire over emails.
From: Stephen Taylor
Sent: January 11 2009 03:14.15
To: Small Dead Animals, Crux of the Matter, Blue Like You, Gay and Right, Angry in the Great White North, Chuckercanuck
Re: Three Month Planning Session
All Hail Zorkon, Master of the 3rd Quadrant!
Plans for the invasion advance smoothly. Zorkon sends congratulations that none of you have let on about how close the world is to being totally dominated by a right-wing alien species. Good. Very good.
But you must stay on your guard! Our enemies - lovers of peace and brotherhood - will come to the defense of humanity and democracy if we don't steal both from under their eyes. Stay vigilant or we will fail to enslave the human species!
Per the plan, you are all scheduled to undergo mind retraining over the next three months. The proposed dates are found in the attachment. The process is painless and, I can attest, will not disrupt your daily activities. You will be beamed aboard a cruiser while sleeping and the non-invasive scanner will wipe your human emotions away and replace them with a burning desire for war, tax cuts and increased homelessness. It rocks!
Regards,
Thorkjug 3
a.k.a. Stephen Taylor
Now, to help Danielle along, I am going to do something I never do: I'm going to publish an actual email sent by Stephen Taylor to us so that she and other Liberals get a sense of what we really talk about when we conspire over emails.
From: Stephen Taylor
Sent: January 11 2009 03:14.15
To: Small Dead Animals, Crux of the Matter, Blue Like You, Gay and Right, Angry in the Great White North, Chuckercanuck
Re: Three Month Planning Session
All Hail Zorkon, Master of the 3rd Quadrant!
Plans for the invasion advance smoothly. Zorkon sends congratulations that none of you have let on about how close the world is to being totally dominated by a right-wing alien species. Good. Very good.
But you must stay on your guard! Our enemies - lovers of peace and brotherhood - will come to the defense of humanity and democracy if we don't steal both from under their eyes. Stay vigilant or we will fail to enslave the human species!
Per the plan, you are all scheduled to undergo mind retraining over the next three months. The proposed dates are found in the attachment. The process is painless and, I can attest, will not disrupt your daily activities. You will be beamed aboard a cruiser while sleeping and the non-invasive scanner will wipe your human emotions away and replace them with a burning desire for war, tax cuts and increased homelessness. It rocks!
Regards,
Thorkjug 3
a.k.a. Stephen Taylor
Labels: Maybe Danielle should write Dryden's material
Friday, February 06, 2009
Ken Dryden: Reason #358 that I could never be a Liberal
For Liberals, Ken Dryden is something like the Pope. He is keeper of the faith, defender of the dogma, spreader of "The Word". For me, Ken Dryden is a guy who takes Jedi philosophy way too seriously and, consequently, his every utterance gives my goosebump's creeps the willies. Like this latest column on climate change.
He calls climate change "a forever issue". He means: "don't do as I say, and we are all forever screwed." He doesn't mean: "climate change is forever and human civilization must adapt to changing climates. Forever." The latter statement is true. The former is bullshit. The latter statement is still decades away from penetrating Liberal skulls. And that has me, um, worried.
But there's plenty more Drydenisms in that column that deserve some highlighting:
"the European Union...in many ways, symbolize the world in microcosm"
In a snarky mood and with complete disregard for Godwin's law, I would point out that Nazis had a similar view of things.... but seriously, how does someone say a bunch of white, Christian, industrialized, absolutely or relatively rich countries serve up a microcosm of the world? I'm a bloody theo-neo-brio-geo-con and even I can see the absurdity of this statement!
"When Al Gore, speaking to the plenary, talked of meeting with Mr. Obama a few days earlier, there was a hush, then great applause. And into the microphones, first with slight embarrassment, then not, delegates kept repeating their new (borrowed) mantra: "Yes, we can.""
What grown adult could admit to being a participant in such a scene. I would be curling into a corner from embarassment. Even if Stephen Harper himself started chanting "Yes we can!", I would be unable to join in. An audience goes silent and then bursts into applause at the mere mention that Al Gore and President Obama talked? Was this a high school audience? Did they mention that the two men talked while dining on yellow-puff fish from Vanuatu on a ride in Gore's private jet?
"For Europe, climate change is already a reality, fully part of every economic decision and public debate, fully represented in bureaucracies and in the structures of every government."
Climate change is already a reality for Europe. Meaning, Europe is happy to turn an un-reality into a reality by the stroke of a policy pen. Maybe goblins and Klingons are also part of European reality. They could legislate leprechauns when Ireland takes over the EU presidency. (fingers crossed!).
So core to European policy making, that when it snowed in London, 8 million people didn't show up for work, the buses were shuttered and almost the entire tube system closed. Now, the whole reason we changed the name from "global warming" to "climate change" was to provide cover for exactly these events: snow and cold winters that, so the argument goes, PROVES global warming. If Europe has made climate change such a reality, how could London have been so battered by a snow storm?
He calls climate change "a forever issue". He means: "don't do as I say, and we are all forever screwed." He doesn't mean: "climate change is forever and human civilization must adapt to changing climates. Forever." The latter statement is true. The former is bullshit. The latter statement is still decades away from penetrating Liberal skulls. And that has me, um, worried.
But there's plenty more Drydenisms in that column that deserve some highlighting:
"the European Union...in many ways, symbolize the world in microcosm"
In a snarky mood and with complete disregard for Godwin's law, I would point out that Nazis had a similar view of things.... but seriously, how does someone say a bunch of white, Christian, industrialized, absolutely or relatively rich countries serve up a microcosm of the world? I'm a bloody theo-neo-brio-geo-con and even I can see the absurdity of this statement!
"When Al Gore, speaking to the plenary, talked of meeting with Mr. Obama a few days earlier, there was a hush, then great applause. And into the microphones, first with slight embarrassment, then not, delegates kept repeating their new (borrowed) mantra: "Yes, we can.""
What grown adult could admit to being a participant in such a scene. I would be curling into a corner from embarassment. Even if Stephen Harper himself started chanting "Yes we can!", I would be unable to join in. An audience goes silent and then bursts into applause at the mere mention that Al Gore and President Obama talked? Was this a high school audience? Did they mention that the two men talked while dining on yellow-puff fish from Vanuatu on a ride in Gore's private jet?
"For Europe, climate change is already a reality, fully part of every economic decision and public debate, fully represented in bureaucracies and in the structures of every government."
Climate change is already a reality for Europe. Meaning, Europe is happy to turn an un-reality into a reality by the stroke of a policy pen. Maybe goblins and Klingons are also part of European reality. They could legislate leprechauns when Ireland takes over the EU presidency. (fingers crossed!).
So core to European policy making, that when it snowed in London, 8 million people didn't show up for work, the buses were shuttered and almost the entire tube system closed. Now, the whole reason we changed the name from "global warming" to "climate change" was to provide cover for exactly these events: snow and cold winters that, so the argument goes, PROVES global warming. If Europe has made climate change such a reality, how could London have been so battered by a snow storm?
Labels: And yet - the very sensible Calgary Grit would actually like this Dryden column
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Doesn't Separatism look young, vibrant and happy to be alive!
In the picture to this story, Gilles Duceppe and Pauline Marois look haggard. Well, if not outright haggardness, then at least a sour blend of fatigue and annoyance.
Poor guys, I can't blame them. They are, technically, the leaders of the separatist movement. So, when the President of France says something mildly critical of the Quebec separatist movement, part of their job is to respond with hurt and scorn.
But, like everybody else, Gilles Duceppe and Pauline Marois don't want to spend a working minute on the polical equivalent of an appendix. So, they squeeze in a press conference to register their outrage between squash and a lunch of salmon and beaujolais. Anyone forced to squeeze that much into a morning has the right to look haggard. (Although some folks might want to think about how haggard looks on the separatist movement.)
Poor guys, I can't blame them. They are, technically, the leaders of the separatist movement. So, when the President of France says something mildly critical of the Quebec separatist movement, part of their job is to respond with hurt and scorn.
But, like everybody else, Gilles Duceppe and Pauline Marois don't want to spend a working minute on the polical equivalent of an appendix. So, they squeeze in a press conference to register their outrage between squash and a lunch of salmon and beaujolais. Anyone forced to squeeze that much into a morning has the right to look haggard. (Although some folks might want to think about how haggard looks on the separatist movement.)
Labels: Quebeckers know Sarkozy mostly as just Carla Bruni's husband
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Great Moments of Canadian Leadership
"He said it was a one-time thing, alone, period, full stop, and for us not to get our hopes up too high because it would not happen again," said one caucus member."
A one time thing. Full stop. That's an eerie flip side to Charles Adler's point , isn't it? Maybe too many one time things.
And, why would the opportunity to rebel against the interem leader be a cause to get a Liberal MPs "hopes up"?
A one time thing. Full stop. That's an eerie flip side to Charles Adler's point , isn't it? Maybe too many one time things.
And, why would the opportunity to rebel against the interem leader be a cause to get a Liberal MPs "hopes up"?
Labels: I'm not sure Chretien is clapping
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Intellectual is what you call the absence of everything else
There is a shocking Bourque poll that shows, with a sample size of 1600-odd votes, 83% of Canadians believe Michael Ignatieff is NOT Canada's "sexiest cerebral man". This in response to some magazine declaring him the sexiest celebrity intellectual in Canada - I think it was Celebrity Intellectual's Digest (ironic twist, the sexiest celebrity intellectual award was determined over the summer and one of the judges was none other than Bob Rae who did lots of cultural judging that season).
How could Bourque readers - a close enough sample of Canada - deny Michael Ignatieff the tribute? Said another way: who else could be Canada's sexiest celebrity intellectual?
Well, if you went down to HMV and went to their modest celebrity intellectual DVD section is, you'd basically find Michael Ignatieff and John Ralston Saul. No other male would fall into that category. So if Michael Ignatieff ain't sexiest, that leaves the former GG's squeeze, Ralston Saul.
Maybe I don't have an eye for these things, but I don't see how people can say John Ralston Saul is sexier than Michael Ignatieff.
How could Bourque readers - a close enough sample of Canada - deny Michael Ignatieff the tribute? Said another way: who else could be Canada's sexiest celebrity intellectual?
Well, if you went down to HMV and went to their modest celebrity intellectual DVD section is, you'd basically find Michael Ignatieff and John Ralston Saul. No other male would fall into that category. So if Michael Ignatieff ain't sexiest, that leaves the former GG's squeeze, Ralston Saul.
Maybe I don't have an eye for these things, but I don't see how people can say John Ralston Saul is sexier than Michael Ignatieff.
Labels: Although each have equally complicated names
Monday, February 02, 2009
Secretary General MacKay
Even to be a rumour is enough. There never has been a Canadian Secretary General of NATO. I know this is tough news on Liberals, since the only thing you could let Denis Corderre do in Brussels is write a travel guide to the city's friteries. Mr. Corderre's boss could be allowed to write (and star in) a documentary about international justice where he struts about the parks, brooding; but Secretary General? I don't think so.
Liberals try to sell a dream team of hopes and big thinking; what the Harper government delivers is world class.
Liberals try to sell a dream team of hopes and big thinking; what the Harper government delivers is world class.
Labels: Not Since Pearson have we had such gravity
Haiku for Mermaidia at 9 months
Thunder-sting screaming,
Would it be better to sleep,
Through your flu-spurred wails?
Would it be better to sleep,
Through your flu-spurred wails?
Labels: Thank god I'm in a hotel on business tonight - my poor wife
