Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Zimbabwefying Canada
Our friends in Abstainistan, under the cyber-leadership of uber-blogger, Jason Cherniak, have gone.... hmm... madder than a hatter with a forty year history of handling mercury.
Apparently, we no longer live in a democracy. Why? Because the House of Commons voted on something and the result wasn't unanimous. Uh-huh. The only way for us to be in a democracy was for last night's vote on the silly Bloc resolution about Elections Canada to be unanimous. Without Dissent. By that standard, the only democracies on planet Earth are - hmmm, Cuba, North Korea, Bhurma, Belarus.... And even in those countries, fake legislatures are given limited freedoms to vote against the non-binding, silly stuff.
Of course, one way to prove we still live in a democracy would be to have our friends in Abstainistan put - on just one simple issue - their money where their mouth is. (Our money, actually). That would go a long way to restore their faith in this insta-tyranny.
Maybe they should cry, "we would vote this government down, but we don't live in a democracy anymore."
Maybe, if they feel democracy has been ripped from them, they should take to the streets and defend their rights. Publishing a blog post doesn't seem to be an adequate reaction to having fundamental freedoms stolen from you.
Anyway, let's remember these mad hatters from Abstainistan are the masters of political strategy. Obviously, they have pulled apart polling results, like Rutherford did the atom, to uncover a treasure trove of secrets to formulate this winning strategy of perpetual hysteria. A mad hatter could be just crazy like a fox. I'll take my chances. Please keep it up.
Apparently, we no longer live in a democracy. Why? Because the House of Commons voted on something and the result wasn't unanimous. Uh-huh. The only way for us to be in a democracy was for last night's vote on the silly Bloc resolution about Elections Canada to be unanimous. Without Dissent. By that standard, the only democracies on planet Earth are - hmmm, Cuba, North Korea, Bhurma, Belarus.... And even in those countries, fake legislatures are given limited freedoms to vote against the non-binding, silly stuff.
Of course, one way to prove we still live in a democracy would be to have our friends in Abstainistan put - on just one simple issue - their money where their mouth is. (Our money, actually). That would go a long way to restore their faith in this insta-tyranny.
Maybe they should cry, "we would vote this government down, but we don't live in a democracy anymore."
Maybe, if they feel democracy has been ripped from them, they should take to the streets and defend their rights. Publishing a blog post doesn't seem to be an adequate reaction to having fundamental freedoms stolen from you.
Anyway, let's remember these mad hatters from Abstainistan are the masters of political strategy. Obviously, they have pulled apart polling results, like Rutherford did the atom, to uncover a treasure trove of secrets to formulate this winning strategy of perpetual hysteria. A mad hatter could be just crazy like a fox. I'll take my chances. Please keep it up.
Labels: An epidemic of ridiculitis is sweeping Abstainistan
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Twenty Year Love Lost, A Play
It had been weeks since Jerry and Barry saw each other face-to-face. In that time, their worlds collided and changed forever...
Jerry: Hi, Barry.
Barry: Jerry. (awkward silence) I wish I could quit you.
Jerry: I thought you did.
Barry: I thought you did. Doing your damned best to kill my campaign.
Jerry: That's what it all comes down to, don't it? Your campaign.
Barry: Not just any campaign, Pastor. The most important campaign in our nation's history. My candidacy stands above all others that have come before me. What we are doing in this campaign will heal the nation and unite the world like nothing else has since dinosaurs fell into their long, last sleep.
Jerry: Who's "we" you pompous ass. Is that you?
Barry: I said "we" and I mean "we". We are what we've been waiting for.
Jerry: What the hell does that mean? All I know is that you've been waiting to dump me as soon as you moved on to - um - whiter pastures. You're a typical politician. The only reason you're post-partisan is that you don't give a fig about a party, you're all about you.
Barry: Pot calls the kettle -
Jerry: Black? I rest my case.
Barry: I don't know who you are anymore. You're not the pastor I had for twenty years.
Jerry: Come off it, little man. Your skinny ass sat through all those sermons, all those years - I'm too old to suddenly become some new person. You sat there "amen-ing" and hallelujua-ing" along with everyone else. Back in the days when that kind of stuff bought you street cred. You haven't changed either.
Barry: How's that?
Jerry: Whatever gets you there, my man. Whatever gets you THERE. Convinced, before you got your first paycheck or dropped your first bead of sweat, that YOU were what we've been waiting for. Well, Jesus is my prophet, not Obama.
Barry: Jesus isn't going to get us universal healthcare, break free trade agreements, settle the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lead the national conversation on race issues, raise taxes, put arugula on store shelves, get us out of Iraq or banish the bitterness that has Americans fetishize guns and God. That's what this is about.
Jerry: Not anymore, Barry.
Jerry: Hi, Barry.
Barry: Jerry. (awkward silence) I wish I could quit you.
Jerry: I thought you did.
Barry: I thought you did. Doing your damned best to kill my campaign.
Jerry: That's what it all comes down to, don't it? Your campaign.
Barry: Not just any campaign, Pastor. The most important campaign in our nation's history. My candidacy stands above all others that have come before me. What we are doing in this campaign will heal the nation and unite the world like nothing else has since dinosaurs fell into their long, last sleep.
Jerry: Who's "we" you pompous ass. Is that you?
Barry: I said "we" and I mean "we". We are what we've been waiting for.
Jerry: What the hell does that mean? All I know is that you've been waiting to dump me as soon as you moved on to - um - whiter pastures. You're a typical politician. The only reason you're post-partisan is that you don't give a fig about a party, you're all about you.
Barry: Pot calls the kettle -
Jerry: Black? I rest my case.
Barry: I don't know who you are anymore. You're not the pastor I had for twenty years.
Jerry: Come off it, little man. Your skinny ass sat through all those sermons, all those years - I'm too old to suddenly become some new person. You sat there "amen-ing" and hallelujua-ing" along with everyone else. Back in the days when that kind of stuff bought you street cred. You haven't changed either.
Barry: How's that?
Jerry: Whatever gets you there, my man. Whatever gets you THERE. Convinced, before you got your first paycheck or dropped your first bead of sweat, that YOU were what we've been waiting for. Well, Jesus is my prophet, not Obama.
Barry: Jesus isn't going to get us universal healthcare, break free trade agreements, settle the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lead the national conversation on race issues, raise taxes, put arugula on store shelves, get us out of Iraq or banish the bitterness that has Americans fetishize guns and God. That's what this is about.
Jerry: Not anymore, Barry.
Labels: Blue State Crazies
Liberals: Raise Taxes Now (with sexy update)
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Stephane Dion's Liberals are now focusing on the economy as their prime area of obsession. And according to Liberals, the single indicator of an economy's health is the size of the federal surplus. It should be big, big, big.
According to Liberals, people who say large surpluses indicate that the Canadian taxpayer is overtaxed are morons. According to Liberals, people who argue that surpluses should be used to pay down debt are reckless fiscal managers. According to Liberals, the military are full of folks who volunteered to ride helicopters that drop out of the sky.
So for these reasons, the Tory budgets, which passed thanks to Liberal support, are now the most reckless pieces of governance our confederation has ever seen. Of course, if Liberals are so disenchanted with Tory budget making, they should join with the opposition and vote down the budget implementation bill. They missed their chance to save the civilization last year, but they can still save our finances this year by booting the Tories out.
Then, once on the campaign trail, they can pledge to restore guarantuan surpluses to the Canadian people. How will they do that? Cut spending or raise taxes. We have heard Liberals muse over the past years about adopting new taxes, like a carbon tax, which could not be revenue neutral because making it so would not reduce carbon consumption - the whole point of the exercise. Mr. Dion himself has also mused that he would restore the GST to its glorious pre-Tory level of 7%. Maybe they could eliminate income splitting for seniors while they are at it. Finally, they should pledge to make not a single debt payment while they are in office. If we cross our fingers and let the Liberals do those things, we just might get back to an era of collosal surpluses.
Sexy Update:
The TD Bank has published a report confirming what Finance Minister Flaherty had warned about earlier this year: Ontario is teetering on the very of becoming a have-not province (bienvenue! we say in the union halls of Quebec). There's a proud Liberal achievement - McGinty was adament that he wanted federal cash, no matter how. Running the Ontario economy off the cliff is probably the fastest way. Or, should I say, fiddling with pesticides while Ontario burns.
My advice to McGinty - do what your Federal cousins would do - RAISE TAXES (oh, you tried that already).
Stephane Dion's Liberals are now focusing on the economy as their prime area of obsession. And according to Liberals, the single indicator of an economy's health is the size of the federal surplus. It should be big, big, big.
According to Liberals, people who say large surpluses indicate that the Canadian taxpayer is overtaxed are morons. According to Liberals, people who argue that surpluses should be used to pay down debt are reckless fiscal managers. According to Liberals, the military are full of folks who volunteered to ride helicopters that drop out of the sky.
So for these reasons, the Tory budgets, which passed thanks to Liberal support, are now the most reckless pieces of governance our confederation has ever seen. Of course, if Liberals are so disenchanted with Tory budget making, they should join with the opposition and vote down the budget implementation bill. They missed their chance to save the civilization last year, but they can still save our finances this year by booting the Tories out.
Then, once on the campaign trail, they can pledge to restore guarantuan surpluses to the Canadian people. How will they do that? Cut spending or raise taxes. We have heard Liberals muse over the past years about adopting new taxes, like a carbon tax, which could not be revenue neutral because making it so would not reduce carbon consumption - the whole point of the exercise. Mr. Dion himself has also mused that he would restore the GST to its glorious pre-Tory level of 7%. Maybe they could eliminate income splitting for seniors while they are at it. Finally, they should pledge to make not a single debt payment while they are in office. If we cross our fingers and let the Liberals do those things, we just might get back to an era of collosal surpluses.
Sexy Update:
The TD Bank has published a report confirming what Finance Minister Flaherty had warned about earlier this year: Ontario is teetering on the very of becoming a have-not province (bienvenue! we say in the union halls of Quebec). There's a proud Liberal achievement - McGinty was adament that he wanted federal cash, no matter how. Running the Ontario economy off the cliff is probably the fastest way. Or, should I say, fiddling with pesticides while Ontario burns.
My advice to McGinty - do what your Federal cousins would do - RAISE TAXES (oh, you tried that already).
Labels: Another Grit gripe from Abstainistan
Monday, April 28, 2008
Best Buddies
So, here we are, Harper and the Harpermaniac at last week's event in Montreal. I have a funny story about this picture and it goes like this:
When I commute to work, I always have the National Post for the way in and a book on the way out. At the rally after work, I had the book in my hand. It was only as I got near the PM for my picture that I realized how embarassed I would be if the PM, in making small talk, asked, "what are you reading?"
Normally, I swear, I pick out smart books that I would be proud to answer about. Once in a while, however, I choose a low-brow, blow 'em up, zombie-invasion-type pulp fiction that no thinking person would admit to reading. The book in my hand, just twenty feet shy of the Prime Minister, was one such book: Dark Harvest. It is about a small town in Kansas where they run this gory ritual each year involving a murdering pumpkin. The cover of the book has a walking pumpkin with a chef's knife in his hand and evil glint in his eye. If the PM, by chance, asked the question, "what are you reading?", we would both have been terribly embarassed by the answer ("my supporters don't read that kind of moron-dreck, do they?").
So, I hid the book on the small of my back, tied under my belt extra tight and hoped I could manage my way through this picture without it falling. I made it.
ps. The book is pretty good, actually.
Labels: Notice that Chuckercanuck is fatter than the PM
Trudeau - RIP
When I think of the Trudeau legacy, I do not go wobbly or weepy, I don't get wispy and think of how great Canada was when the Prime Minister played ballerino. However, Canada survived the Trudeau years and, thanks to three conservative Prime Ministers, Mulroney, Chretien and Harper, we have largely cured ourselves of the enduring ills he left us. Sure, we still have human rights commissions who run around the land like temperence fanatics - but that too is being worked through.
That said, the desire to sneak into a cemetery and scrawl a screed across a dead man's resting place is a kind of inhuman violence perpetrated by disconnected sociopaths. And, though obvious this may seem: utterly self-defeating.
Has the Quebec Separatist movement sunk to such demoralizing lows that, afraid of confronting even babies, it must attack the dead? Is this action supposed to inspire a nation to rise up and demand a snowy utopia on the banks of the lower St-Lawrence? Likely, it simply revolts people, cheapens the cause, alienates the softies and reveals a bizarre logic that might explain why separatists are the Wily Cayote of Canadian politics:
Trudeau did as much as anyone to push Quebec separatism along. The people who hurt the separatist cause are the Mulroneys and Harpers of the world - the folks who recognize the Quebec fact for what it is, not what they wish it to be, and work to accomodate that fact for Canada's benefit.
It would be good to hear Pauline or Gilles denounce this profane, repulsive act. Trudeau, for all his faults, served the country and Quebec with love and noble intent. Leave him be.
That said, the desire to sneak into a cemetery and scrawl a screed across a dead man's resting place is a kind of inhuman violence perpetrated by disconnected sociopaths. And, though obvious this may seem: utterly self-defeating.
Has the Quebec Separatist movement sunk to such demoralizing lows that, afraid of confronting even babies, it must attack the dead? Is this action supposed to inspire a nation to rise up and demand a snowy utopia on the banks of the lower St-Lawrence? Likely, it simply revolts people, cheapens the cause, alienates the softies and reveals a bizarre logic that might explain why separatists are the Wily Cayote of Canadian politics:
Trudeau did as much as anyone to push Quebec separatism along. The people who hurt the separatist cause are the Mulroneys and Harpers of the world - the folks who recognize the Quebec fact for what it is, not what they wish it to be, and work to accomodate that fact for Canada's benefit.
It would be good to hear Pauline or Gilles denounce this profane, repulsive act. Trudeau, for all his faults, served the country and Quebec with love and noble intent. Leave him be.
Labels: Separatists can be such vulgar sociopaths
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Reverend Wright in his own absurdist words
Desperate for a little telly, I flipped to CNN where they were broadcasting a speech from Reverend Wright - Barak Obama's pastor. We were promised, from the CNN experts, that this would give us a glimpse - a humanizing glimpse - of Reverend Wright beyond the You Tube quotes that had the nation in a froth. The argument goes, once you've heard the man deliver a full sermon, you'd be much more comfortable with him.
Well, put me in the thoroughly creeped out category. This is a manic meglomaniac with a penchant for over-articulating the queerest syllables. You might call it an act and probably you are right. But then again, Marylin Manson has an act. So did Ozzy Ozborne when he was in his bat decapatation phase. Calling it an act does not make it any less freak show-esque.
The substance of his message was eminently palatable, however. Different does not mean deficient, he argued. True enough. But who cares. Walt Dysney teaches the same message minus the Linda Blair impression.
So its a very bad idea to have him speak publicly while Barak Obama runs for president. Reverend Wright should retire to his multi-million dollar mansion and stay there till November.
Watching Reverend Wright speak does not help Barak Obama explain how he became a member of his flock - it only makes Barak Obama look like an alien from planet Obnoxiousia.
Well, put me in the thoroughly creeped out category. This is a manic meglomaniac with a penchant for over-articulating the queerest syllables. You might call it an act and probably you are right. But then again, Marylin Manson has an act. So did Ozzy Ozborne when he was in his bat decapatation phase. Calling it an act does not make it any less freak show-esque.
The substance of his message was eminently palatable, however. Different does not mean deficient, he argued. True enough. But who cares. Walt Dysney teaches the same message minus the Linda Blair impression.
So its a very bad idea to have him speak publicly while Barak Obama runs for president. Reverend Wright should retire to his multi-million dollar mansion and stay there till November.
Watching Reverend Wright speak does not help Barak Obama explain how he became a member of his flock - it only makes Barak Obama look like an alien from planet Obnoxiousia.
Labels: Liking Handel and Lady Day are not exclusive propositions
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Right-Wing Coleslaw
Coleslaw is an unloved cousin of the salad family - deli staple, BBQ side, hot dog topping - you tend to eat it when its part of a purchased meal. But cole slaw is the venue where cabbage, that crunchy nutritionous ube-vegetable, is the star. And, its the easiest thing on the planet to make. So, as a guide for right-wingers looking for some different cole slaws to serve this summer, here are two unique ways to make this neglected gem.
NOTE: as with all good right-wing cookery, quantities and portions are left to the individual to determine - a recipe is not a prescription nor a government-fiat, it is the the fuzzy outline of a dream that a right-wing cook makes reality.
Red Cabbage Slaw
Salad:
Shredded red cabbage
Grated carrot
Finely diced red onion
Minced red pepper
Chopped flat leaf parsley
Dressing:
A little vegetable oil
Lots of worcesteshire sauce
A couple of dollops of honey
Salt, pepper and minced garlice
Dress slaw early and let the thing macerate (soften & marinade).
Tzaziki Slaw
Salad:
Shredded white slaw
Grated carrot
Chopped green onion
Shredded cucumber
Dressing:
Tzaziki (preferably Arahova's, but since that's a montreal exclusive, any good tzaziki that you like)
Again, mix early and macerate in the fridge.
When you serve this at your next BBQ or alongside a roast pork, you'll find a thoroughly pleased and surprised crowd. Last week, two cousins were dining with us and they wouldn't touch the cole slaw, assuming the creamy dressing was the usual saccrine, syrupy goup that such creamy dressings usually are. When I mentioned that it was tzaziki, they lit up, buried the serving tongs deep into the slaw and took large heaps. Devoured quickly and happily.
NOTE: as with all good right-wing cookery, quantities and portions are left to the individual to determine - a recipe is not a prescription nor a government-fiat, it is the the fuzzy outline of a dream that a right-wing cook makes reality.
Red Cabbage Slaw
Salad:
Shredded red cabbage
Grated carrot
Finely diced red onion
Minced red pepper
Chopped flat leaf parsley
Dressing:
A little vegetable oil
Lots of worcesteshire sauce
A couple of dollops of honey
Salt, pepper and minced garlice
Dress slaw early and let the thing macerate (soften & marinade).
Tzaziki Slaw
Salad:
Shredded white slaw
Grated carrot
Chopped green onion
Shredded cucumber
Dressing:
Tzaziki (preferably Arahova's, but since that's a montreal exclusive, any good tzaziki that you like)
Again, mix early and macerate in the fridge.
When you serve this at your next BBQ or alongside a roast pork, you'll find a thoroughly pleased and surprised crowd. Last week, two cousins were dining with us and they wouldn't touch the cole slaw, assuming the creamy dressing was the usual saccrine, syrupy goup that such creamy dressings usually are. When I mentioned that it was tzaziki, they lit up, buried the serving tongs deep into the slaw and took large heaps. Devoured quickly and happily.
Labels: I think I'll try to publish a book on right-wing cooking
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thunderstruck
With twenty minutes before overtime starts, here are some random observations about the speech I just heard the Prime Minister give in downtown Montreal. Note: Slippery as ever, I wiggled up to the front of the line and got a picture with the Big Guy himself which I will post when they send it to me.
The Crowd
The crowd was huge and happy. What struck me hardest: its diversity. Now, coming from work, I was in suit and tie and looked like the stereotype of a Tory - a white guy looking for a tax cut. And, to be sure, there was a bunch of us white guys and gals there - but I don't know if its Jason Kenney or what: outreach to recent immigrants and minority communities is working. That only makes sense, since conservative values are the values that immigrants to Canada foremost cherish - they don't want government coddling, they want opportunity and the promise that hard work pays off.
The Candidates
They had a bunch of candidates at the event. All seemed cheery and good. My only advice to candidates or any political aspirants is this: when purchasing eye glasses, the temptation to kill to birds with one stone and purchase the kind that shade up when in the sun is huge. Resist the temptation. The tint never totally leaves the glasses indoors and the resulting effect is creepy. When I make my definitive Canadian horror film, the bad guy is going to where exactly those kind of glasses/sunglasses.
The Entrance
I'm a rabid Harpermaniac. No one's enthusiasm or admiration for our Prime Minister beats mine. However, having him race through the crowd while AC/DC's Thunderstruck plays only gets me giggling. It would be like watching Paul Martin come out while Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar on Me was playing. It just doesn't vibe. Now, if I were a snarky columnist, I'd suggest playing the Johnny Cash version of Solitary Man. Then again, the more I think about it, the more any song choice seems ridiculous - which is why I like the man even more. When you think about how well Singed, Sealed, Delivered works for Barak Obama, you realize how artificial the whole package is.
The Speech
Stephen Harper is a funny many. He is the funniest political leader I know.
His speech had withering criticisms of the Bloc Quebecois and its Eternal Leader, Gilles Duceppe. Set against Stephen Harper's management of national unity, the Bloc Quebecois have never looked so appendix-like and the Liberal history on this file has never looked so ham-fisted and bumbly.
He began his speech saying that since no one talks about Liberals in Quebec anymore, he wouldn't. But when he finally did get to them, he had the crowd roaring by simply quoting the never-ending election threats thrown out by Stephane Dion and then Mr. Dion's subsequent support of Tory policy. In one tiny jab related to the in-and-out situation, he reminded everyone that Tories use their own money for elections, while Liberals steal tax payer money.
The Picture
At the end, I crammed into a line and got a picture shaking hands with the Prime Minister. Like I said earlier today, I haven't seen him since the Glad as Hell tour in 2005. For those who don't know, he's a tall guy. Big guy. Very leaderly. Very kind. Inspiring.
The Crowd
The crowd was huge and happy. What struck me hardest: its diversity. Now, coming from work, I was in suit and tie and looked like the stereotype of a Tory - a white guy looking for a tax cut. And, to be sure, there was a bunch of us white guys and gals there - but I don't know if its Jason Kenney or what: outreach to recent immigrants and minority communities is working. That only makes sense, since conservative values are the values that immigrants to Canada foremost cherish - they don't want government coddling, they want opportunity and the promise that hard work pays off.
The Candidates
They had a bunch of candidates at the event. All seemed cheery and good. My only advice to candidates or any political aspirants is this: when purchasing eye glasses, the temptation to kill to birds with one stone and purchase the kind that shade up when in the sun is huge. Resist the temptation. The tint never totally leaves the glasses indoors and the resulting effect is creepy. When I make my definitive Canadian horror film, the bad guy is going to where exactly those kind of glasses/sunglasses.
The Entrance
I'm a rabid Harpermaniac. No one's enthusiasm or admiration for our Prime Minister beats mine. However, having him race through the crowd while AC/DC's Thunderstruck plays only gets me giggling. It would be like watching Paul Martin come out while Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar on Me was playing. It just doesn't vibe. Now, if I were a snarky columnist, I'd suggest playing the Johnny Cash version of Solitary Man. Then again, the more I think about it, the more any song choice seems ridiculous - which is why I like the man even more. When you think about how well Singed, Sealed, Delivered works for Barak Obama, you realize how artificial the whole package is.
The Speech
Stephen Harper is a funny many. He is the funniest political leader I know.
His speech had withering criticisms of the Bloc Quebecois and its Eternal Leader, Gilles Duceppe. Set against Stephen Harper's management of national unity, the Bloc Quebecois have never looked so appendix-like and the Liberal history on this file has never looked so ham-fisted and bumbly.
He began his speech saying that since no one talks about Liberals in Quebec anymore, he wouldn't. But when he finally did get to them, he had the crowd roaring by simply quoting the never-ending election threats thrown out by Stephane Dion and then Mr. Dion's subsequent support of Tory policy. In one tiny jab related to the in-and-out situation, he reminded everyone that Tories use their own money for elections, while Liberals steal tax payer money.
The Picture
At the end, I crammed into a line and got a picture shaking hands with the Prime Minister. Like I said earlier today, I haven't seen him since the Glad as Hell tour in 2005. For those who don't know, he's a tall guy. Big guy. Very leaderly. Very kind. Inspiring.
Labels: How about Aerosmith's Tell me what it takes to win your love
Chuckercanuck about Town
Where will Chuckercanuck be tonight?
I'll give you a hint - it has me really, really excited. Giddy like Ed Grimley on the night before Christmas.
Okay, if I were a normal human being, you would answer: at the Habs game.
But, I am not a normal human being. Sure, sure, you all think I'm so ultra-hip that my life's soundtrack was written by Stevie Wonder. But really, beneath the slick sheen and Obama-cool, I am a political geek.
So no. I will not be at the Habs game and I will not be torching cars or looting HMV. I will be several blocks east in a room with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. If allowed, I'll take a few pictures as proof when I do my post about it.
The last time I met Stephen Harper, he was on his Glad as Hell tour. We shook hands and chatted - I was verily impressed that his non-beer gut looked awfully like my whiskey gut. Since that day, I have been a Harpermaniac. Tonight, I don't expect I'll get an opportunity to chat with him - him being a real big shot and all - but maybe, if I'm lucky, he'll do a Hillary Clinton: look out into the crowd, pick me at random, point at me and put on a "wow, I am so shocked and happy to see you here" face.
I'll give you a hint - it has me really, really excited. Giddy like Ed Grimley on the night before Christmas.
Okay, if I were a normal human being, you would answer: at the Habs game.
But, I am not a normal human being. Sure, sure, you all think I'm so ultra-hip that my life's soundtrack was written by Stevie Wonder. But really, beneath the slick sheen and Obama-cool, I am a political geek.
So no. I will not be at the Habs game and I will not be torching cars or looting HMV. I will be several blocks east in a room with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. If allowed, I'll take a few pictures as proof when I do my post about it.
The last time I met Stephen Harper, he was on his Glad as Hell tour. We shook hands and chatted - I was verily impressed that his non-beer gut looked awfully like my whiskey gut. Since that day, I have been a Harpermaniac. Tonight, I don't expect I'll get an opportunity to chat with him - him being a real big shot and all - but maybe, if I'm lucky, he'll do a Hillary Clinton: look out into the crowd, pick me at random, point at me and put on a "wow, I am so shocked and happy to see you here" face.
Labels: I still haven't washed my right hand since that day in August 2005
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Profiles in Evil: Phil Chapman
Chuckercanuck is pleased to begin a 10-part series on the most evil people in the history of human civilization, based on an axis of evil developed with Lizzy May.
History's 10th Most Evil Person: Phil Chapman
Never heard of him? Well, he's an australian scientist and that country's first ever astronaut. His crimes against humanity involve his role as a climate change denier. Actually, he's only a climate change denier in awkward politicized sense of the terms "climate change", where "climate change" means global warming.
He observed that over the past year, the world temperature shot down by 0.7 degrees celsius - which, in the scale of climate change politics, is collosal. Making this observation publicly is not, in itself, sufficient to declare him an epic evil; that comes when you hear is heretical, damnable explanation for the drop: missing sun spots.
Sun spots, according to Satan and those whose souls he owns, play a role in filtering cosmic rays, without them, cloud cover increases as a result of increased cosmic rays.
Everybody who cares about our planet knows that the sun plays no role in our climate. In fact, I think we can all agree that we would be better off if the sun just upped and left the solar system, taking its pesky UV rays with it. That way, evildoers such as Phil Chapman could be denied one more excuse for not accepting "climate change" hegemony.
History's 10th Most Evil Person: Phil Chapman
Never heard of him? Well, he's an australian scientist and that country's first ever astronaut. His crimes against humanity involve his role as a climate change denier. Actually, he's only a climate change denier in awkward politicized sense of the terms "climate change", where "climate change" means global warming.
He observed that over the past year, the world temperature shot down by 0.7 degrees celsius - which, in the scale of climate change politics, is collosal. Making this observation publicly is not, in itself, sufficient to declare him an epic evil; that comes when you hear is heretical, damnable explanation for the drop: missing sun spots.
Sun spots, according to Satan and those whose souls he owns, play a role in filtering cosmic rays, without them, cloud cover increases as a result of increased cosmic rays.
Everybody who cares about our planet knows that the sun plays no role in our climate. In fact, I think we can all agree that we would be better off if the sun just upped and left the solar system, taking its pesky UV rays with it. That way, evildoers such as Phil Chapman could be denied one more excuse for not accepting "climate change" hegemony.
Labels: Next thing you know - he'll call Pluto a planet
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Al-Quaeda Begins to Sound a Little Rattled
Al-Quaeda's Number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri , released a video today in which he spews vitriol not at the great satan, decadent west or zionist pigs --- no, he lets fly on Muslims. I thought, since you can't find any news of it in the Canadian media (cause you know, a pivotal change in rhetoric from existential foes isn't really newsworthy), I thought I'd give you a condensed translation of his text:
Dear Muslims,
Fuck! What are you, a bunch of sandbags waiting for a theatre curtain to hold up? If I had known what lamoids you would end up being, I would have stuck to dentistry in Cairo! Here we are, waging Holy War on the Infidels, killing, maiming, terror-making --- and the least you could do is cheer us on. Wait til Allah finds out you aren't doing the wave or taking arms - he's going to be so pissed, he'll reserve a tiny corner of hell for you. I'm telling you, Allah will blow you up later if you don't blow yourselves up sooner!
So, I suppose you've gotten a little frustrated with us. True enough, we tend to kill alot more muslims than anyone else these days. But you know what the pig-french say, "you can't kill an omelet without breaking a few eggs." Besides, don't you worry, those dead muslims that he shot, shred or evaporated are shagging virgins in the clouds (hey, that's a Paul Simon song, no?). Stiff upper lip, as the pig-british say. Eventually, we Holy Warriors will turn our guns from innocent muslims to guilty infidels.
But we can't do it without your help. First, we need money. Preferably, Great Satan dollars because, despite what you read in the Wall Street Journal, it still the currency of choice in the terorist economy. We promise that for every dollar you send, only 35 cents will go to killing muslims. Second, we need mujahadeen - men. Actually, we prefer it if you send us boys. Pretty ones who find the idea of living in a cave romantic. Send us lots and lots of pretty boys. Needless to say, we will not be sending them back - unless they are strapped to a bomb ready to make Allah proud.
Dear Muslims,
Fuck! What are you, a bunch of sandbags waiting for a theatre curtain to hold up? If I had known what lamoids you would end up being, I would have stuck to dentistry in Cairo! Here we are, waging Holy War on the Infidels, killing, maiming, terror-making --- and the least you could do is cheer us on. Wait til Allah finds out you aren't doing the wave or taking arms - he's going to be so pissed, he'll reserve a tiny corner of hell for you. I'm telling you, Allah will blow you up later if you don't blow yourselves up sooner!
So, I suppose you've gotten a little frustrated with us. True enough, we tend to kill alot more muslims than anyone else these days. But you know what the pig-french say, "you can't kill an omelet without breaking a few eggs." Besides, don't you worry, those dead muslims that he shot, shred or evaporated are shagging virgins in the clouds (hey, that's a Paul Simon song, no?). Stiff upper lip, as the pig-british say. Eventually, we Holy Warriors will turn our guns from innocent muslims to guilty infidels.
But we can't do it without your help. First, we need money. Preferably, Great Satan dollars because, despite what you read in the Wall Street Journal, it still the currency of choice in the terorist economy. We promise that for every dollar you send, only 35 cents will go to killing muslims. Second, we need mujahadeen - men. Actually, we prefer it if you send us boys. Pretty ones who find the idea of living in a cave romantic. Send us lots and lots of pretty boys. Needless to say, we will not be sending them back - unless they are strapped to a bomb ready to make Allah proud.
Labels: Sometimes what happens outside Ottawa matters
Earth Day Elections Canada Scandal
Warren Kinsella wonders why we right-wing bloggers have been so quiet today on the Elections Canada Raid bro-ha-ha. He guesses it has to do with Earth Day activities - and, for my part, he is correct. So imagine my schock when I came in to read this news (coming from no Tory-patsy, I remind you).
Elections Canada, in seeking its search warrant, did not approach judges in Ottawa. Nor Kingston. Nor Montreal. Nope. Elections Canada travelled all the way to Toronto to get the warrant. As far as Elections Canada is concerned, a little extra raping of the planet is just fine in the pursuit of - ahem - "justice".
Why Elections Canada went to a Liberal-appointed judge with a history of financing the Liberal party to its search warrant, I do not know and would not speculate. Maybe Elections Canada thinks Ottawa judges are incompetent. Let's leave that to Elections Canada to answer when the media asks.
But the real question on Earth day is this:
Why would a Liberal-appointed judge with a history of financing the planet-saving Liberal party allow Elections Canada to waste all sorts of carbon footprint to get the search warrant from him?
Elections Canada, in seeking its search warrant, did not approach judges in Ottawa. Nor Kingston. Nor Montreal. Nope. Elections Canada travelled all the way to Toronto to get the warrant. As far as Elections Canada is concerned, a little extra raping of the planet is just fine in the pursuit of - ahem - "justice".
Why Elections Canada went to a Liberal-appointed judge with a history of financing the Liberal party to its search warrant, I do not know and would not speculate. Maybe Elections Canada thinks Ottawa judges are incompetent. Let's leave that to Elections Canada to answer when the media asks.
But the real question on Earth day is this:
Why would a Liberal-appointed judge with a history of financing the planet-saving Liberal party allow Elections Canada to waste all sorts of carbon footprint to get the search warrant from him?
Labels: File it under - Questions Stephane Dion won't be asking
Earth Day at Casa Chuckercanuck
Chuckercanuck dials a number. The phone rings twice before someone picks up.
Voice: Montreal Gazette subscriptions, how may I help you.
CC: Well, I read your editorial today about how the Planet Needs Our Help. It was moving.
Voice: Wasn't it?
CC: Yes. So I flipped back to the article on tips to reduce your carbon footprint. You know, the one about eating wild haddock instead of
farmed salmon?
Voice: I missed that one.
CC: Do you have your copy?
Voice: Yup, right in front of me.
CC: Okay, go to page A7.
Voice: Done, let me see if I can find it.
CC: Oh, its right there above the MASSIVE AD for Volkswagon.
Voice: There it is. Hey, that's a nice Passat, eh?
CC: Beautiful. So, I was looking for tips and didn't find any. I was surprised you didn't slip any tip about reducing your driving and commuting more. Maybe they didn't have space for that tip, what with the MASSIVE AD for Volkswagon on the Earth Day spread.
Voice: I guess. Anyway, sir, how can I help you?
CC: Cancel my subscription.
Voice: Really? Why?
CC: Because, newspapers are such a waste of carbon footprint. From the forest to my doorstep, to the the recycling bin and on, its just such a waste of resources. Especially when you think about how much content is on the web. I can find the entire paper at www.canada.com and, in electronic form, I don't see MASSIVE ADS for Volkswagon buffeting Earth Day stories.
Voice: Montreal Gazette subscriptions, how may I help you.
CC: Well, I read your editorial today about how the Planet Needs Our Help. It was moving.
Voice: Wasn't it?
CC: Yes. So I flipped back to the article on tips to reduce your carbon footprint. You know, the one about eating wild haddock instead of
farmed salmon?
Voice: I missed that one.
CC: Do you have your copy?
Voice: Yup, right in front of me.
CC: Okay, go to page A7.
Voice: Done, let me see if I can find it.
CC: Oh, its right there above the MASSIVE AD for Volkswagon.
Voice: There it is. Hey, that's a nice Passat, eh?
CC: Beautiful. So, I was looking for tips and didn't find any. I was surprised you didn't slip any tip about reducing your driving and commuting more. Maybe they didn't have space for that tip, what with the MASSIVE AD for Volkswagon on the Earth Day spread.
Voice: I guess. Anyway, sir, how can I help you?
CC: Cancel my subscription.
Voice: Really? Why?
CC: Because, newspapers are such a waste of carbon footprint. From the forest to my doorstep, to the the recycling bin and on, its just such a waste of resources. Especially when you think about how much content is on the web. I can find the entire paper at www.canada.com and, in electronic form, I don't see MASSIVE ADS for Volkswagon buffeting Earth Day stories.
Labels: Of course - you can always buy offsets from me
Monday, April 21, 2008
Obama Waffles
It's not even 3 am, President Obama has been up for an hour before he sits down to breakfast. Suddenly, a red phone rings.
Aide: Mr. President, aren't you going to answer?
President Obama: Ahhhh, let me eat my waffles.
It's 2:30 pm, President Obama is lounging in the Rose Garden. An aide rushes to him.
Aide: President Obama, good news! Hamas is willing to resign and work towards peace with Israel if you'll just take their call!
President Obama: Hmmmmm. No thanks, I'm going finish my afternoon tea.
It's 6 pm, the Obama family gathers around the dinner table for sea bass with mango salsa. Suddenly, the Vice-President Cheney bursts in [editor's note - how's that for balancing the ticket!].
VP Cheney: Mr. President, Pakistan and India are about to go to war and both countries insist that only you can mediate between them!
President Obama: You take the call, will you, Dick? Sea bass ain't sea bass when it gets cold.
Aide: Mr. President, aren't you going to answer?
President Obama: Ahhhh, let me eat my waffles.
It's 2:30 pm, President Obama is lounging in the Rose Garden. An aide rushes to him.
Aide: President Obama, good news! Hamas is willing to resign and work towards peace with Israel if you'll just take their call!
President Obama: Hmmmmm. No thanks, I'm going finish my afternoon tea.
It's 6 pm, the Obama family gathers around the dinner table for sea bass with mango salsa. Suddenly, the Vice-President Cheney bursts in [editor's note - how's that for balancing the ticket!].
VP Cheney: Mr. President, Pakistan and India are about to go to war and both countries insist that only you can mediate between them!
President Obama: You take the call, will you, Dick? Sea bass ain't sea bass when it gets cold.
Labels: And why are you scared to debate in NC, Senator Obama
Women are from venus, Men are from caves
Anywhere else, this news would be declared awful sexism but the insurance industry lives and breathes on numbers and playing odds that invariably fall in their favour. So, if research for the insurance industry declares that men and women drive the way their stone-age brains work, it must be true:
Men are risk-taking, rule-breaking aggressors who prowl the streets looking for prized meat to chase off cliffs.
Women are a wimpier sort, gathering nuts and berries on shoulders of life, incapable of judgement and perception.
When I look my own life, these observations make a lot of sense.
I am a risk-taking rule-breaker. For example, this winter, after the sidewalk plow had built a snow wall at the end of my driveway for the third time in two days, I shoveled it off onto the street. I know its wrong and against municipal by-law but flick it! If they can dump snow onto my snow-clearing jurisdiction, I can dump now onto theirs!
My wife, just like the study says, has a problem with perception. As in, "honey, you're crazy, I wasn't 'checking that girl out' - I was merely looking at her handbag and thinking, 'I'd bet my wife would like one of those."
So, how does the legacy of the cave affect us in other venues of life? I leave that for discussion. And as for bad drivers, I leave you something that has bugged me ever since I was cut off by a lunatic trying to get onto the Champlain bridge:
If you have a baby-on-board sign and drive like a Mad Max, post-apocolyptic thug, do I get to report you for child abuse?
Men are risk-taking, rule-breaking aggressors who prowl the streets looking for prized meat to chase off cliffs.
Women are a wimpier sort, gathering nuts and berries on shoulders of life, incapable of judgement and perception.
When I look my own life, these observations make a lot of sense.
I am a risk-taking rule-breaker. For example, this winter, after the sidewalk plow had built a snow wall at the end of my driveway for the third time in two days, I shoveled it off onto the street. I know its wrong and against municipal by-law but flick it! If they can dump snow onto my snow-clearing jurisdiction, I can dump now onto theirs!
My wife, just like the study says, has a problem with perception. As in, "honey, you're crazy, I wasn't 'checking that girl out' - I was merely looking at her handbag and thinking, 'I'd bet my wife would like one of those."
So, how does the legacy of the cave affect us in other venues of life? I leave that for discussion. And as for bad drivers, I leave you something that has bugged me ever since I was cut off by a lunatic trying to get onto the Champlain bridge:
If you have a baby-on-board sign and drive like a Mad Max, post-apocolyptic thug, do I get to report you for child abuse?
Labels: In and Out This
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Keystone State key
Finally, after six weeks of campaigning since the last primaries, we arrive at Pennsylvania - a state Chuckercanuck has much fondness for (since, it looks like I'll have to be transferring my allegiance from the Habs to the Penguins after some disastrous performances of late).
The thinking goes like this: Hillary has to win or she's out. If Barak keeps the spread under 10 points, he's unstoppable. I suppose this is right. Its a bit awkward since it seems to me that Hillary has lost and the race between 6 weeks ago and the convention is a pretend race.
Hillary Clinton, for all her 35 years experience, is a terrible campaigner. She couldn't organize a closet, let alone a national campaign. She suffers truth-o-phobia. But the most cloying thing she does is when she's before a crowd and while waiting for their applause to die, she picks a person or two in the crowd to point at, make a "I'm so surprised and thrilled to see YOU" face and moves on to the next target. We, the stupid tv audience, are supposed to say, "wow, she sure has so many deep, personal relationships with her supporters." The sooner Hillary is history, the better for everyone - especially the Yankees.
Barak Obama continues to campaign for the position of most hypocritical, nauseating politician in history. His anti-trade rants, his class warfarism, his absolutely insulting analysis of every lower form of humanty's way of life - all of it very popular down at the campus pub house among the dread-locked queer studies set or, for that matter, in one of those countries a certain Mephistopheles once described as "Old Europe".
This week, Barak took the cake - I wish, as some bloggers described it, he had jumped the shark, but it is too soon for that. No, he simply took the cake. In the ABC debate, he was asked a bunch of simmering controversy questions and answered them about as well as a robot reads love poems. Immediately after the debate, his people went into outrage mode, shocked that such questions could be levelled at the demi-god. Its outrageous to wonder, for example, how a guy could let his daughters listen to a preacher speculate that their government was set to eradicate them through bio-weapons. Its beyond the pale, for example, to wonder how a person can lead citizens that he feels are mentally warped by economic factors.
Barak himself played cool. Literally he brushed off the debate in front of a throng of cult members. But the forced show of cool was as whiny as anything his supporters wrote in the blogosphere. If he truly brushed it off, he should have ignored it, let it go. Instead, he had to make a play of how much he had moved on. Whatever. What Barak should do is go to a bookstore, any bookstore, in any city and take a look at the political books on offer. Would President Obama be able to handle the printed assault that President Bush does? Or would such attacks send him to the closet in the Lincoln bedroom, all a whimperin' and blubbering? From what I saw this week, I'd say door no.2, Monte.
The thinking goes like this: Hillary has to win or she's out. If Barak keeps the spread under 10 points, he's unstoppable. I suppose this is right. Its a bit awkward since it seems to me that Hillary has lost and the race between 6 weeks ago and the convention is a pretend race.
Hillary Clinton, for all her 35 years experience, is a terrible campaigner. She couldn't organize a closet, let alone a national campaign. She suffers truth-o-phobia. But the most cloying thing she does is when she's before a crowd and while waiting for their applause to die, she picks a person or two in the crowd to point at, make a "I'm so surprised and thrilled to see YOU" face and moves on to the next target. We, the stupid tv audience, are supposed to say, "wow, she sure has so many deep, personal relationships with her supporters." The sooner Hillary is history, the better for everyone - especially the Yankees.
Barak Obama continues to campaign for the position of most hypocritical, nauseating politician in history. His anti-trade rants, his class warfarism, his absolutely insulting analysis of every lower form of humanty's way of life - all of it very popular down at the campus pub house among the dread-locked queer studies set or, for that matter, in one of those countries a certain Mephistopheles once described as "Old Europe".
This week, Barak took the cake - I wish, as some bloggers described it, he had jumped the shark, but it is too soon for that. No, he simply took the cake. In the ABC debate, he was asked a bunch of simmering controversy questions and answered them about as well as a robot reads love poems. Immediately after the debate, his people went into outrage mode, shocked that such questions could be levelled at the demi-god. Its outrageous to wonder, for example, how a guy could let his daughters listen to a preacher speculate that their government was set to eradicate them through bio-weapons. Its beyond the pale, for example, to wonder how a person can lead citizens that he feels are mentally warped by economic factors.
Barak himself played cool. Literally he brushed off the debate in front of a throng of cult members. But the forced show of cool was as whiny as anything his supporters wrote in the blogosphere. If he truly brushed it off, he should have ignored it, let it go. Instead, he had to make a play of how much he had moved on. Whatever. What Barak should do is go to a bookstore, any bookstore, in any city and take a look at the political books on offer. Would President Obama be able to handle the printed assault that President Bush does? Or would such attacks send him to the closet in the Lincoln bedroom, all a whimperin' and blubbering? From what I saw this week, I'd say door no.2, Monte.
Labels: Go McCain
Friday, April 18, 2008
Quotable Putin
I was going to write about the Rise of Trophy Wives when news broke yesterday that Vlad Putin was about to wed a babe decades younger than he -- it takes two to make a trend, right? But then came this complete denial. In his repudiation of the gossip, Prime Minister Putin delivers a terrific quote:
"I have always had a negative opinion of those who, with their snotty noses and their erotic fantasies, meddle in other people's lives,'' he said.
I do feel a bit slammed by that. Oh well, I'll have to move on to other gossip for kicks.
"I have always had a negative opinion of those who, with their snotty noses and their erotic fantasies, meddle in other people's lives,'' he said.
I do feel a bit slammed by that. Oh well, I'll have to move on to other gossip for kicks.
Labels: I was weened on Jerry Springer
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Raid-Gate
Apologies for the cheap title, but hey, a fellow can't spend forever on such things when watching his snowbanks melt faster than the Tory lead over Stephane Dion's Grits.
I am reminded this week of the Timothy Findlay novel, "The Telling of Lies". At its end, the sleuth-narrator-protagonist says that for the briefest moment, she has seen a many-tentacled leviathan rise out of the ocean in all its horrible malignancy, only to drop back into the depths before she could have anything more than a fleeting glimpse.
The raid of Tory HQ on behalf of Elections Canada happened with fortuitous synchronicity for the Grits and the CBC: both of these parties had cameramen on-site at that very moment to capture the spectacle on video. It is an amazing coincidence that the day (and hour) that Liberals and the CBC chose to hire a camera crew and send them over to Tory HQ to film random events happened to be precisely when the RCMP showed up for to enable Elections Canada to search the offices.
Coincidence, of course, is a happy mistatement. Somehow, these folks got word of the event with enough advance notice to prepare for it. Did Elections Canada tip off the Grits who then tipped off the CBC? Did Elections Canada tip off both independently? Did Elections Canada tip off the CBC who then called the Grits? (My bet would be door number three, but it doesn't really matter).
What matters is how deeply insinuated the Liberal party is with critical arms of our democracy. The idea that the election adminstrators and the public broadcasters would invite, directly or indirectly, the Liberal party to a feast offers us, like Findlay wrote, a brief glimpse of a leviathan surfacing. In other countries, if a political party had such cozy relationships with the electoral commission and the government media arm, well, what would we call that?
I am reminded this week of the Timothy Findlay novel, "The Telling of Lies". At its end, the sleuth-narrator-protagonist says that for the briefest moment, she has seen a many-tentacled leviathan rise out of the ocean in all its horrible malignancy, only to drop back into the depths before she could have anything more than a fleeting glimpse.
The raid of Tory HQ on behalf of Elections Canada happened with fortuitous synchronicity for the Grits and the CBC: both of these parties had cameramen on-site at that very moment to capture the spectacle on video. It is an amazing coincidence that the day (and hour) that Liberals and the CBC chose to hire a camera crew and send them over to Tory HQ to film random events happened to be precisely when the RCMP showed up for to enable Elections Canada to search the offices.
Coincidence, of course, is a happy mistatement. Somehow, these folks got word of the event with enough advance notice to prepare for it. Did Elections Canada tip off the Grits who then tipped off the CBC? Did Elections Canada tip off both independently? Did Elections Canada tip off the CBC who then called the Grits? (My bet would be door number three, but it doesn't really matter).
What matters is how deeply insinuated the Liberal party is with critical arms of our democracy. The idea that the election adminstrators and the public broadcasters would invite, directly or indirectly, the Liberal party to a feast offers us, like Findlay wrote, a brief glimpse of a leviathan surfacing. In other countries, if a political party had such cozy relationships with the electoral commission and the government media arm, well, what would we call that?
Labels: Snap election - snap to it, Stephane
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The sweetest human right of all....
You know, I'm not a big hand washer myself and the requirement of washing your hands before returning to work has always been my big obstacle to realizing a dream career in the foodservice industry. Folks like me, decent, tax-paying citizens have been kicked around for too long just because we bring a special something to our vinegrettes and molten chocolate cakes.
So I say, thank you Canada's Human Rights commissions.
They may want to rid the land of potty mouths, but they'll defend our rights to have potty hands.
I'm not a second class citizen. I have a right to prepare your foods with the kind of hands that pigs would want to call home. I can serve you meals straight out from a washroom stall, using the Sheryl Crow wipe in order to save the environment. You have to eat it. And if we non-washers band together to launch another human rights abuse claim, we're going to make sure that you have to like it.
So I say, thank you Canada's Human Rights commissions.
They may want to rid the land of potty mouths, but they'll defend our rights to have potty hands.
I'm not a second class citizen. I have a right to prepare your foods with the kind of hands that pigs would want to call home. I can serve you meals straight out from a washroom stall, using the Sheryl Crow wipe in order to save the environment. You have to eat it. And if we non-washers band together to launch another human rights abuse claim, we're going to make sure that you have to like it.
Labels: Thank you Tiger for pointing this gem out
In, Out, Up, Down - Mostly in Circles
Now, I'm no good as a Liberal strategist. Afterall, I don't know how many social pillars it takes to change a lightbulb and when Barak Obama speaks, I don't go weak in the knees, sweaty in the palms and drift off into dreamland where he buys me dinner at a dark-lit corner table in some tiny trattoria. But, I agree with Liberal cyber-powerhouse, Jason Cherniak when he says:
"I'm going to say it's perfect timing for an election. While the Conservative "brain" trust is busy recovering from this, I'm sure the last thing they would want is to have to run a national election campaign."
There is a slew of scandals - or as Calgary Grit calls them "scandelettes" - mounting for the Tories - be it the Cadbury affair, Obama's-a-big-phony-gate or the Mulroney-sleeze-snooze. Calgary Grit offers this pearl which I agree with as well:
"it's a safe bet that "ethics" is off the table as an issue for the Tories next campaign."
Liberals - a perfect storm has hit the Tories and you must pounce! Our brain trust, as Cherniak pointed out, is dizzy and frazzled. Our key election plank, "ethics", is off the table. We got nothing.
Except maybe the gross incompetence that Canadians witness everyday on the part of the Liberal leadership in running the good ship Liberal. Hey Canada, would you like Dion & Iggy to do to the government what they've done to their party? Arbitrary and bitter appointments, neverending internal strife, pathetic grassroots organization... Oh yeah, maybe we would add the little bit about how there isn't a single principle Liberals espouse that they would be actually willing to defend. Hey Canada, do you like the Liberal party platform and priorities? Well then, don't vote for them because those are the last things on Earth they would do!
Meanwhile, in compare and contrast land, the government will point to what works with Canada these days. Lowered taxes. Best economic conditions of the G8. Low unemployment. Strongest national unity in a generation. Global influence. Renewed military. Arctic renaissance. Aboriginal advancement. Canada, are we on the right track?
"I'm going to say it's perfect timing for an election. While the Conservative "brain" trust is busy recovering from this, I'm sure the last thing they would want is to have to run a national election campaign."
There is a slew of scandals - or as Calgary Grit calls them "scandelettes" - mounting for the Tories - be it the Cadbury affair, Obama's-a-big-phony-gate or the Mulroney-sleeze-snooze. Calgary Grit offers this pearl which I agree with as well:
"it's a safe bet that "ethics" is off the table as an issue for the Tories next campaign."
Liberals - a perfect storm has hit the Tories and you must pounce! Our brain trust, as Cherniak pointed out, is dizzy and frazzled. Our key election plank, "ethics", is off the table. We got nothing.
Except maybe the gross incompetence that Canadians witness everyday on the part of the Liberal leadership in running the good ship Liberal. Hey Canada, would you like Dion & Iggy to do to the government what they've done to their party? Arbitrary and bitter appointments, neverending internal strife, pathetic grassroots organization... Oh yeah, maybe we would add the little bit about how there isn't a single principle Liberals espouse that they would be actually willing to defend. Hey Canada, do you like the Liberal party platform and priorities? Well then, don't vote for them because those are the last things on Earth they would do!
Meanwhile, in compare and contrast land, the government will point to what works with Canada these days. Lowered taxes. Best economic conditions of the G8. Low unemployment. Strongest national unity in a generation. Global influence. Renewed military. Arctic renaissance. Aboriginal advancement. Canada, are we on the right track?
Labels: Strike while the iron is hot Liberals
Monday, April 14, 2008
Duceppe sees shadow: 12 more months of irrelevance
The Bloc Quebecois spent the weekend drafting their list of demands that the Tories must meet to win their support. Quebeckers are thrilled to have such staunch supporters of our province defending our interests and making our demands heard loud and clear in the federal parliament:
1. 1 pound of foie gras delivered to every citizen of Quebec every St-Jean-Baptiste day.
2. Fully subsidize the construction of an automobile factory in Rimouski, QC that will build the "Fleur-de-Lys". A brand new hybrid vehicle that runs on gas on highways and bluster on city streets. Can only turn left.
3. Unionize MPs and make Gilles Duceppe the union boss.
4. Rename Quebec "Duceppia" with a new capital to be constructed from scratch on Ungava Bay.
5. Since the Parti Quebecois won't touch it with a 100 foot pole, hold a referendum on Quebec independence.
Its not clear why the Bloc Quebecois would bother - they are bit players on the federal scene, marginal in Quebec - and the Tories have much easier partners to win support from. In fact, the Liberals issued their list of demands for continued support of the Tory government:
"Anything. We'll accept anything."
1. 1 pound of foie gras delivered to every citizen of Quebec every St-Jean-Baptiste day.
2. Fully subsidize the construction of an automobile factory in Rimouski, QC that will build the "Fleur-de-Lys". A brand new hybrid vehicle that runs on gas on highways and bluster on city streets. Can only turn left.
3. Unionize MPs and make Gilles Duceppe the union boss.
4. Rename Quebec "Duceppia" with a new capital to be constructed from scratch on Ungava Bay.
5. Since the Parti Quebecois won't touch it with a 100 foot pole, hold a referendum on Quebec independence.
Its not clear why the Bloc Quebecois would bother - they are bit players on the federal scene, marginal in Quebec - and the Tories have much easier partners to win support from. In fact, the Liberals issued their list of demands for continued support of the Tory government:
"Anything. We'll accept anything."
Labels: Damn you popular Calgary overlords
Friday, April 11, 2008
There will be 2.5 hours of Crap
In February, I purchased Upton Sinclair's "Oil!" because I had read a flood of praise for the movie "There Will be Blood" and wanted to read the book that supposedly inspired it. Its a fine book which only raised my expectations for the movie, despite the fact that the "auteur" of said film is the guy who brought us "Boogie Nights" - a turgid piece of turd about the porn industry. Normally, that would have been clue enough but I'm a sucker for giving highly praised art a chance even if it inevitably leaves me wondering how such brain-dead morons could be opinion makers in the field of art and pop culture.
Sadly, having just finished watching "There Will Be Blood", I can tell you: it sucks. It sucks harder than the most powerful industrial vacuum ever built. Perhaps its suckage rivals that of a black hole. Certainly, 2.5 hours later, a black hole is where I feel I parked my Friday night.
I will not bore you with the minutiae of my criticisms which spring primarily from the fact that wherever this Paul Thomas Anderson creature deviated from the book, he is wrong, wrong, stupidly wrong.
No, all I want to address here is the movie's "deep" message delivered to you with all the subtlety of Bette Midler song stylings. See, the evil oil man, Daniel Day Lewis, has a son. In the book, the boy's name is Bunny. In the movie, the boy's name is HW. Uh-huh. Puzzle that one out. HW, the oil man's son. HW - as in Herbert Walker. As in Bush. Ahhhhhhh, we're headed to some very biting social commentary.
The oil man's nemesis - again, not in the book, not even close in the book - is the evangelical false prophet, Eli Sunday.
Get it? Evil Oil Man. Evil Evangelical. The bad guys - lunatics with violent tempers and insatiable apetites for wealth and power - are the supposed composite elements of the Republican party. Oil Man meets fake Evangelical. The inevitable result of that toxic solution? There will be blood.
Most laughably, there is a whole entertainment industry lobbying our government about subsidizing "art" like this. But my little Rainbow can produce more nuanced work with her fingers and some paint. There will be blood - but its going to seep out of the creep who doesn't give me a refund when I hit the video store tomorrow morning.
Sadly, having just finished watching "There Will Be Blood", I can tell you: it sucks. It sucks harder than the most powerful industrial vacuum ever built. Perhaps its suckage rivals that of a black hole. Certainly, 2.5 hours later, a black hole is where I feel I parked my Friday night.
I will not bore you with the minutiae of my criticisms which spring primarily from the fact that wherever this Paul Thomas Anderson creature deviated from the book, he is wrong, wrong, stupidly wrong.
No, all I want to address here is the movie's "deep" message delivered to you with all the subtlety of Bette Midler song stylings. See, the evil oil man, Daniel Day Lewis, has a son. In the book, the boy's name is Bunny. In the movie, the boy's name is HW. Uh-huh. Puzzle that one out. HW, the oil man's son. HW - as in Herbert Walker. As in Bush. Ahhhhhhh, we're headed to some very biting social commentary.
The oil man's nemesis - again, not in the book, not even close in the book - is the evangelical false prophet, Eli Sunday.
Get it? Evil Oil Man. Evil Evangelical. The bad guys - lunatics with violent tempers and insatiable apetites for wealth and power - are the supposed composite elements of the Republican party. Oil Man meets fake Evangelical. The inevitable result of that toxic solution? There will be blood.
Most laughably, there is a whole entertainment industry lobbying our government about subsidizing "art" like this. But my little Rainbow can produce more nuanced work with her fingers and some paint. There will be blood - but its going to seep out of the creep who doesn't give me a refund when I hit the video store tomorrow morning.
Labels: Fellow right-wingers we have a duty to civilization to rescue the film industry
Art Worth not just Defending, but Subsidizing
This week has seen a firestorm of criticism from the Canadian entertainment industry - oops, I mean artists - about how the nasty Tories plan to censor their works of art by depriving them of tax credits when they choose to provoke us with soft porn and slaher films. Sarah Polley blitzed the media to promulgate some old saws about the role of artists in society, blah, blah, blah. It had me weeping - not sympathetically, just weeping over the amazing, unreflective self-importance artistes carry about them. (Although it did lead me to one interesting thought: given the overwhelming lefty-wingedness of pop culture making, it is amazing how enduring conservative thought is. It must frustrate the Polleys, Egoyans and Reiners of the world how unchippable the conservative bedrock of our civilization is.)
Anyway. I had a change of heart after reading this. In the name of art, as a demonstration of her deep devotion to ancient displine of acting, Lindsay Lohan will do a nude scene. For cheap. Now, Ms. Lohan has had her share of Spears-esque tribulations of late, but that she would re-commit to her vital role as provocateur of society deserves more than empty kudos. It deserves financing.
Mr. Prime Minister, I have been a loyal footsoldier for a long time. I ask you, not only for my own personal needs for artistic satiation, but for the good of human civilization and freedom of speech:
Offer a tax credit to anyone who will film a Lindsay Lohan nude scene. Please.
Anyway. I had a change of heart after reading this. In the name of art, as a demonstration of her deep devotion to ancient displine of acting, Lindsay Lohan will do a nude scene. For cheap. Now, Ms. Lohan has had her share of Spears-esque tribulations of late, but that she would re-commit to her vital role as provocateur of society deserves more than empty kudos. It deserves financing.
Mr. Prime Minister, I have been a loyal footsoldier for a long time. I ask you, not only for my own personal needs for artistic satiation, but for the good of human civilization and freedom of speech:
Offer a tax credit to anyone who will film a Lindsay Lohan nude scene. Please.
Labels: Preventing Lindsay Lohan from showing me her naked body is CENSORSHIP
Hab-emonium
Hockey's toughest market, on days when the Cup doesn't seem to be a distant fantasy, is a city of raving fanatics who gadly take a hit to the metropolitan economy in order to spend their days day-dreaming of playoff victory. Habs jerseys and flags cover Montreal island like snow has for the past months. But there is a limit, my friends. And that limit was crossed by a bunch of firefighters.
In their understandle enthusiasm, a group of firefighters covered their station with Habs encouragement. Not with banners and flags - they painted windows and walls. The Mayor ordered them to clean it up - it is afterall, vandalism. But the union bosses ordered them to leave it there. The firefighters complied. With the union.
So, what should be a fun little moment where even Hogtowners are forced to share our joy has descended into a petty show of union strength. And no, Montrealers are forced to ask:
Who the hell runs this city?
In normal-land, the answer would be the elected officials on behalf of the citizenry. In Montreal, it is the elected officials on behalf of the public service unions.
Who the hell owns the city's assets?
In normal-land, the answer would be the citizens. In Montreal, it is the unions who feel free to do with our assets what they choose. Does it really need saying that you don't deface public property, no matter how innocuous the reason? One man's heart-felt good wishes is another's obscenity. How can we prevent teenagers from mucking sound barriers or metro stations with their pleas of love to some chick in their math class when our firefighters take the liberty of mucking fire stations with their pleas of love for Koivu and Kovalev?
In an insane world, the sane looks deranged. And to quote a hero of mine, James Brown, "I don't know karate, but I know krrraaazzzy!" So, a call to arms, friends. Unless we decide to let Montreal and Quebec drift into permanent wasteland status, we must make the point. We must find the homes of unions bosses and union members, we must display our love for our team by defiling their property. Turn their brick and stucco walls into shrines to Brisebois and Latendresse. Cover their garage doors with Habs logos. Scratch it into their cars. They would have no reason to complain.
In their understandle enthusiasm, a group of firefighters covered their station with Habs encouragement. Not with banners and flags - they painted windows and walls. The Mayor ordered them to clean it up - it is afterall, vandalism. But the union bosses ordered them to leave it there. The firefighters complied. With the union.
So, what should be a fun little moment where even Hogtowners are forced to share our joy has descended into a petty show of union strength. And no, Montrealers are forced to ask:
Who the hell runs this city?
In normal-land, the answer would be the elected officials on behalf of the citizenry. In Montreal, it is the elected officials on behalf of the public service unions.
Who the hell owns the city's assets?
In normal-land, the answer would be the citizens. In Montreal, it is the unions who feel free to do with our assets what they choose. Does it really need saying that you don't deface public property, no matter how innocuous the reason? One man's heart-felt good wishes is another's obscenity. How can we prevent teenagers from mucking sound barriers or metro stations with their pleas of love to some chick in their math class when our firefighters take the liberty of mucking fire stations with their pleas of love for Koivu and Kovalev?
In an insane world, the sane looks deranged. And to quote a hero of mine, James Brown, "I don't know karate, but I know krrraaazzzy!" So, a call to arms, friends. Unless we decide to let Montreal and Quebec drift into permanent wasteland status, we must make the point. We must find the homes of unions bosses and union members, we must display our love for our team by defiling their property. Turn their brick and stucco walls into shrines to Brisebois and Latendresse. Cover their garage doors with Habs logos. Scratch it into their cars. They would have no reason to complain.
Labels: De-baathification of Canada starts with public service unions
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Olympics Torched
Hitler must be rolling in his grave (at least the part of him not being perpetually torn apart by vultures on the 9th ring of Hell). His beautiful ceremony - the Olympic Torch relay - has been rendered a pathetic farce by the anti-China demonstrators who flock to it wherever it shows up.
I say "pathetic" farce because even before long before demonstrators showed up like mosquitoes to a carbon dioxide source, the relay was a comical farce. Have you seen the relay route? Perhaps there is some devious symbolism beneath the indulgent, obscene planetary criss-cross but all it says to me is that Jacques Rogue and the Chinese make Liberace look modest.
There has been much discussion of boycotting the Olympics and I fear that my posts on the subject some months ago have confused a great many. When I urged the world to Boycott the Olympics, I was not referring to preventing the athletes from living out their fantasies in the smog of Beijing. By all means, let them stick a pole in a hole in hopes of getting over some bar or walk really, really fast. The boycotting should be YOU, the consumer.
Don't watch. If asked, shrug your shoulders and say the Olympics suck. Kill the ratings. Pummel the advertisers with neglect. If McDonald's wants to sponsor the Olympics, eat Harvey's burgers. Screw the CBC - they dispatched whatever thin thread of integrity they had in order to keep the Chinese happy so they could show off the Olympics. Well, tough for you, bone heads.
The notion that the Olympics transcends politics is, of course, bullshit. Let's forget the big events: Berlin, Munich, Moscow, Los Angeles. Let's forget the stupid prestige factor that makes men out of East German women and puts Chinese farmers onto curling rinks. No, all you need to do is go back to the opening ceremonies in Athens. Watch the teams enter the stadium to thunderous cheers... until.... until.... until.... Israel walks in and the room goes stone cold silent. Brotherhood, harmony and peace? Uh-huh.
Then comes the very Canadian need to compare our coverage versus American coverage. What compels us to do so? An inferiority complex that, even in the magic of the Olympic movement, can't help but ankle bite those evil Yanks. "Americans are so obsessed with their own athletes while we [BETTER] Canadians are much more international in coverage." Now, the American team is many multiples bigger than the Canadian team. So, logistically speaking, there's a whole bunch more to cover to begin with. But, think about it: here we are shelling out oodles of tax dollars to fund these athletes and we think its better to ignore them once they get their????
The whole thing - in China or not - is moronic. That it is in China makes it malignantly moronic. Let them have their games. Ask them to send us a postcard. We'll be watching Canadian Idol.
I say "pathetic" farce because even before long before demonstrators showed up like mosquitoes to a carbon dioxide source, the relay was a comical farce. Have you seen the relay route? Perhaps there is some devious symbolism beneath the indulgent, obscene planetary criss-cross but all it says to me is that Jacques Rogue and the Chinese make Liberace look modest.
There has been much discussion of boycotting the Olympics and I fear that my posts on the subject some months ago have confused a great many. When I urged the world to Boycott the Olympics, I was not referring to preventing the athletes from living out their fantasies in the smog of Beijing. By all means, let them stick a pole in a hole in hopes of getting over some bar or walk really, really fast. The boycotting should be YOU, the consumer.
Don't watch. If asked, shrug your shoulders and say the Olympics suck. Kill the ratings. Pummel the advertisers with neglect. If McDonald's wants to sponsor the Olympics, eat Harvey's burgers. Screw the CBC - they dispatched whatever thin thread of integrity they had in order to keep the Chinese happy so they could show off the Olympics. Well, tough for you, bone heads.
The notion that the Olympics transcends politics is, of course, bullshit. Let's forget the big events: Berlin, Munich, Moscow, Los Angeles. Let's forget the stupid prestige factor that makes men out of East German women and puts Chinese farmers onto curling rinks. No, all you need to do is go back to the opening ceremonies in Athens. Watch the teams enter the stadium to thunderous cheers... until.... until.... until.... Israel walks in and the room goes stone cold silent. Brotherhood, harmony and peace? Uh-huh.
Then comes the very Canadian need to compare our coverage versus American coverage. What compels us to do so? An inferiority complex that, even in the magic of the Olympic movement, can't help but ankle bite those evil Yanks. "Americans are so obsessed with their own athletes while we [BETTER] Canadians are much more international in coverage." Now, the American team is many multiples bigger than the Canadian team. So, logistically speaking, there's a whole bunch more to cover to begin with. But, think about it: here we are shelling out oodles of tax dollars to fund these athletes and we think its better to ignore them once they get their????
The whole thing - in China or not - is moronic. That it is in China makes it malignantly moronic. Let them have their games. Ask them to send us a postcard. We'll be watching Canadian Idol.
Labels: I had an Olympic movement once - I blamed the chili
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Unfixing Election Dates
Loyal tories, in the quiet corners of our minds, we give thanks to Liberals for their unyielding support of the Tory agenda in parliament. On every test of confidence, Liberals have sacrificed their principles in order to ensure that Stephen Harper remains Prime Minister. I really shouldn't say they sacrificed all their principles since they unflinching support for the Tories stems from a most basic principle: what's best for Canada. Uncertain economic times calls for the practical, prudent stewardship of a Tory government. Canada's largest military engagement since Korea calls for the resolute, clear-eyed leadership of a Tory government. Global environmental challenges need to be tackled by the political party with the longest record of accomplishment; again, the Tories. Liberals have put aside their titanic apetite for power and ego-stroking in order to ensure that Canada enjoys the best government possible. So, not just as Tories should we thank Liberals, but as Canadians.
However, in the underbelly of our parliamentary system - the standing committees - Liberals have not been so supportive. Here, Liberals have fallen into ancient habits of collaborating with the separatists to reap short term gains through Tin Pan theatrics. Since committees are an essential cog in the legislative machine, they can help separatists make a case, however lame, for a failed confederalism through sabotoging gridlock.
An early legislative triumph in this long running minority government was the Fixed Election law which set the next election on October 9, 2009. But today, there is speculation (and counter speculation) that the Tory government might ignore the law and call for the dissolution of parliament if these committees cannot become places of the nation's business, as opposed to sterilized versions of the Maury Povich show. For shame! Liberals cry. How hypocritical!
But common sense must intervene here. You cannot have fixed election dates at all costs, regardless of the state and timbre of a given parliament. If the opposition parties, in a minority context, make a parliamennt an unworkable circus then its not only the prerogative but its the DUTY of a Prime Minister to recommend that our GG disolve it, thereby allowing Canadians to clean it out of the glittery detritus and replace it with something more interested getting work done.
I can understand that our Prime Minister does not wish to go that route. Still, however reluctantly, for the good of the nation, he just might have to.
However, in the underbelly of our parliamentary system - the standing committees - Liberals have not been so supportive. Here, Liberals have fallen into ancient habits of collaborating with the separatists to reap short term gains through Tin Pan theatrics. Since committees are an essential cog in the legislative machine, they can help separatists make a case, however lame, for a failed confederalism through sabotoging gridlock.
An early legislative triumph in this long running minority government was the Fixed Election law which set the next election on October 9, 2009. But today, there is speculation (and counter speculation) that the Tory government might ignore the law and call for the dissolution of parliament if these committees cannot become places of the nation's business, as opposed to sterilized versions of the Maury Povich show. For shame! Liberals cry. How hypocritical!
But common sense must intervene here. You cannot have fixed election dates at all costs, regardless of the state and timbre of a given parliament. If the opposition parties, in a minority context, make a parliamennt an unworkable circus then its not only the prerogative but its the DUTY of a Prime Minister to recommend that our GG disolve it, thereby allowing Canadians to clean it out of the glittery detritus and replace it with something more interested getting work done.
I can understand that our Prime Minister does not wish to go that route. Still, however reluctantly, for the good of the nation, he just might have to.
Labels: Please do not run the Olympic Torch by my house - these windows are new
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Boycott Scotch
In the land of whisky and whiskey, the Scottish industry is a goliath. And for many years, it has been picking on a little David from Cape Breton: Glen Breton. Glen Breton is Canada's only single malt whisky made in the Scottish tradition.
Full disclosure: to me, "made in the Scottish tradition" translates to "will taste like swamp water" since I do not associate peatiness with pleasure.
Like so many european industries, the Scottish whisky industry is fiercely protective of its branding because, like so many european industries, it does not produce any particularly quality product that cannot be reproduced elsewhere. So, as the Greeks fight for the name Feta, as the Emilia-Romanos fight for the name Parmagianno Regiano, as the French fight for the name Dijon mustard, the Scots fight to protect their brand. It is a pathetic sight because it demonstrates how hollow their promise of quality is --- if these products were so special, consumers would seek them out knowing the imitators were shoddy replications at best.
So to the fight with Glen Breton. Glen Breton's distillery is in a glen, near Glenville on Cape Breton. The Scottish industry won a case in Canada which ruled that despite the glen, despite its proximity to Glenville, it cannot call itself Glen Breton. "Glen", you see, is just too Scottish (e.g., Glenfiddich). By using "glen" in its name, the producers are confusing stupid consumers who cannot figure out that this isn't a Scottish product - even if the bloody bottle was a Canadian flag on it.
And the big danger, the Scots realize, is once us stupid Canadians purchase Glen Breton thinking they've bought a few drops of the highlands, they will love this new product and never return.
Well, my Scottish friends, my homeland does not worry or quibble over such things. Irish whiskey drinks like water touched by honey and sells across the world without worrying about the local competition. Perhaps a bit of Irish confidence will be required for you to survive the punishing boycott power of Chuckercanuck - because from now on, when Scotch is to be purchased, Glen Breton has my dollar.
Full disclosure: to me, "made in the Scottish tradition" translates to "will taste like swamp water" since I do not associate peatiness with pleasure.
Like so many european industries, the Scottish whisky industry is fiercely protective of its branding because, like so many european industries, it does not produce any particularly quality product that cannot be reproduced elsewhere. So, as the Greeks fight for the name Feta, as the Emilia-Romanos fight for the name Parmagianno Regiano, as the French fight for the name Dijon mustard, the Scots fight to protect their brand. It is a pathetic sight because it demonstrates how hollow their promise of quality is --- if these products were so special, consumers would seek them out knowing the imitators were shoddy replications at best.
So to the fight with Glen Breton. Glen Breton's distillery is in a glen, near Glenville on Cape Breton. The Scottish industry won a case in Canada which ruled that despite the glen, despite its proximity to Glenville, it cannot call itself Glen Breton. "Glen", you see, is just too Scottish (e.g., Glenfiddich). By using "glen" in its name, the producers are confusing stupid consumers who cannot figure out that this isn't a Scottish product - even if the bloody bottle was a Canadian flag on it.
And the big danger, the Scots realize, is once us stupid Canadians purchase Glen Breton thinking they've bought a few drops of the highlands, they will love this new product and never return.
Well, my Scottish friends, my homeland does not worry or quibble over such things. Irish whiskey drinks like water touched by honey and sells across the world without worrying about the local competition. Perhaps a bit of Irish confidence will be required for you to survive the punishing boycott power of Chuckercanuck - because from now on, when Scotch is to be purchased, Glen Breton has my dollar.
Labels: Goliath is about to go down
Monday, April 07, 2008
Today in Headlines
Paging Mr. Gore, Paging Mr. Gore, there's a planet that needs saving.
The government has no role in the bedrooms of the nation. Unless it wants to be grossed out.
I was actually for the trade agreement before I was against it.
What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
What's worse than getting stuck on a 4 hour flight between a drunk 20-something brit and a drunk 40-something german?
Good news folks: a whole new slew of glitches are coming to a store near you!
RIP.
After "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn", Charlton Heston delivered my favorite line of all movies: "It's people!! It's people!" True enough, that line from Soylent Green has been parodied and spoofed about as much as a certain hero of mine's penchant for saying "nu-cu-lar" --- but still, it caps a terrific movie that today's sci-fi offerings can only dream of approaching.
The government has no role in the bedrooms of the nation. Unless it wants to be grossed out.
I was actually for the trade agreement before I was against it.
What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
What's worse than getting stuck on a 4 hour flight between a drunk 20-something brit and a drunk 40-something german?
Good news folks: a whole new slew of glitches are coming to a store near you!
RIP.
After "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn", Charlton Heston delivered my favorite line of all movies: "It's people!! It's people!" True enough, that line from Soylent Green has been parodied and spoofed about as much as a certain hero of mine's penchant for saying "nu-cu-lar" --- but still, it caps a terrific movie that today's sci-fi offerings can only dream of approaching.
Labels: Hey - I made it through two posts without mentioning the Liberals
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Magdalen it is
On this blog, my daughters are Rainbow and SkyPiper. It is my little joke - as if two yuppies dreaming of government baby raising factories would wisk our children away and save us the trouble of raising them. In reality, they have names I would describe as classic Irish - names that make old ladies light up with wonder and think to themselves that this new country we are building is so much the one that old men would relish.
Now, with my wife on the verge of popping out a third daughter, the name game is no longer a stupid, fun game to play as we fall asleep at night. We look down the short list with more ernestness than Stephane Dion reviews climate change solutions. But tonight, we have settled on a name: Magdalen.
Why was it so easy to pick this one out of the Vivians and Beatrices? Because this week, our local paper hawked itself as a central repository of grief over the tragic death of sealers from Quebec's Magdalen Islands. While the Montreal Gazette profited from the tragedy, it had the vulgar gall to publish a letter to the editor which celebrated the death of sealers instead of the death of some seals. Imagine, western friends, that a newspaper would spend pages taking advantage of your sadness, only to punch you on the last page with a deathwish. It was disgusting. And when my family gathered tonight to drink, eat and talk life, not a single person hadn't noticed, hadn't been revolted with this Jerry-Springer-type gatcha from the Montreal Gazette.
So, Magdalen it is. And so named, may she always remember this awful week, this horrible fate delivered to good people trying to make a living doing what generations have done before. Not ironically. Not with a post-modern sneer. But with the simple appreciation for the struggle and fickle nature of life. May they rest in peace and their family know happiness one day.
Now, with my wife on the verge of popping out a third daughter, the name game is no longer a stupid, fun game to play as we fall asleep at night. We look down the short list with more ernestness than Stephane Dion reviews climate change solutions. But tonight, we have settled on a name: Magdalen.
Why was it so easy to pick this one out of the Vivians and Beatrices? Because this week, our local paper hawked itself as a central repository of grief over the tragic death of sealers from Quebec's Magdalen Islands. While the Montreal Gazette profited from the tragedy, it had the vulgar gall to publish a letter to the editor which celebrated the death of sealers instead of the death of some seals. Imagine, western friends, that a newspaper would spend pages taking advantage of your sadness, only to punch you on the last page with a deathwish. It was disgusting. And when my family gathered tonight to drink, eat and talk life, not a single person hadn't noticed, hadn't been revolted with this Jerry-Springer-type gatcha from the Montreal Gazette.
So, Magdalen it is. And so named, may she always remember this awful week, this horrible fate delivered to good people trying to make a living doing what generations have done before. Not ironically. Not with a post-modern sneer. But with the simple appreciation for the struggle and fickle nature of life. May they rest in peace and their family know happiness one day.
Labels: No label
Saturday, April 05, 2008
"Courting Quebec"
Here's a funny column from Michael Den Tandt that argues the PM should not pander to Quebec as he has been doing for ay, too long. Funny because when you offer up a critique of someone's political strategy in 500 words or less, you should try to make those 500 words logically consistent. Den Tandt does not. Read his last two sentences:
".... he should try winning the old-fashioned way, by developing broad national support"
vs.
"He'd do better courting Ontario, which holds fully a third of the seats in Parliament"
Of course, to many Hogtowners, pandering to the 416 IS seeking broad national support. Afterall, the party with the broadest national support is the governing Tories - no question. So, whatever tactics the PM has deployed, it achieves Den Tandt explicit goal of broad national support. What it does not achieve is a critical mass of support in Toronto. For that, the PM would have to hire Michael Eisner to be his policy mastermind - and that ain't in the cards.
I bring this column up as an excuse to point out how much fun we right-wing fanatics are having these days. The trigger for Den Tandt's criticism are the comments by Jean-Pierre Blackburn about one day getting Quebec to sign on to the constitution (something Hogtowners consider to be a bit of a war crime.) When Minister Blackburn made the comments, the Liberal party (read: Toronto Party) went ballistic. Here is a sample of the Liberal hysteria.
Many of the Liberals linked above pointed out snidely Rona Ambrose, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, was nowhere to be seen apropos these comments. Now, you would think that these keen strategic minds might take that as a clue that perhaps the government ain't exactly talking on this point. Instead, they had their leader march out and huff and puff over the comments like a certain cartoon dragon. While they all got righteously outraged, the rest of the country lauged at them -- we can get the Liberal leader wound up like a toy soldier as easily as we can a child to eat a lifesaver.
Next week, no one will remember the Blackburn comments. But everyone will remember that there is nothing so insignificant, no one so plebean, that Liberals can't turn radish red and declare the end of civilization is nigh.
".... he should try winning the old-fashioned way, by developing broad national support"
vs.
"He'd do better courting Ontario, which holds fully a third of the seats in Parliament"
Of course, to many Hogtowners, pandering to the 416 IS seeking broad national support. Afterall, the party with the broadest national support is the governing Tories - no question. So, whatever tactics the PM has deployed, it achieves Den Tandt explicit goal of broad national support. What it does not achieve is a critical mass of support in Toronto. For that, the PM would have to hire Michael Eisner to be his policy mastermind - and that ain't in the cards.
I bring this column up as an excuse to point out how much fun we right-wing fanatics are having these days. The trigger for Den Tandt's criticism are the comments by Jean-Pierre Blackburn about one day getting Quebec to sign on to the constitution (something Hogtowners consider to be a bit of a war crime.) When Minister Blackburn made the comments, the Liberal party (read: Toronto Party) went ballistic. Here is a sample of the Liberal hysteria.
Many of the Liberals linked above pointed out snidely Rona Ambrose, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, was nowhere to be seen apropos these comments. Now, you would think that these keen strategic minds might take that as a clue that perhaps the government ain't exactly talking on this point. Instead, they had their leader march out and huff and puff over the comments like a certain cartoon dragon. While they all got righteously outraged, the rest of the country lauged at them -- we can get the Liberal leader wound up like a toy soldier as easily as we can a child to eat a lifesaver.
Next week, no one will remember the Blackburn comments. But everyone will remember that there is nothing so insignificant, no one so plebean, that Liberals can't turn radish red and declare the end of civilization is nigh.
Labels: Good night and good luck
Friday, April 04, 2008
Right-Wing Ribs - Canuck Style
In North American cookery, nothing is more controversial than ribs. As we know, from the Carolinas to the Texas panhandle, advocates for different rituals of barbequeing ribs can quickly erupt into outright warfare over how much mustard goes into the glaze. In this post, I intend to by-pass these conflagrations by explaining how right-wingers in Canada should prepare ribs when their grills have been buried in snow.
Braised Ribs
[note, I use a crock pot for this recipe, but you can do the same thing in an oven]
1. Take your ribs and cut them into manageable pieces for whatever cooking vessel you are using (e.g., 6" long strips of ribs).
2. Into the crockpot, you must prepare the braising liquid. There are two options for this. Option one, follow a strict recipe. Option two, empty out your fridge. You see, the braising liquid should be mostly a flavourful liquid, sweetened and aromaticized, so you can vary it up based on what you have available. However, a conservative with dogmatic tendencies should do the following:
Liquid:
Equal parts beef stock and beer. Preferably a cream ale like Kilkenny.
Sweetener:
Honey. (Molasses in a pinch).
Aromatics:
1 chopped onion. 1 roughly chopped HEAD of garlic. Salt & Pepper. Juniper berries. Blue berries (straight from the freezer). Bay leaf. Ancho chili powder.
3. Place ribs into braising liquid. Braise for - oh - 4 - 5 hours until they are almost impossible to remove without flaking away into tender pieces of perfection.
4. Make a quick sauce to serve with the ribs. Take a cup of the braising liquid (strained of aromatics). Squirt in ketchup (2 tblspoons); and a dollop of dijon. Two tablespoons of Worcesteshire sauce. 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar. More ancho chili powder, honey & blueberries (crush as sauce cooks). Cook down - add corn starch to thicken. (Remember, mix cornstarch with some beer before you add and add as an emulsion.)
Serve with a spinach salad (red onion, boiled egg slices, radishes) in a mustard vinegrette. Simple rice is good too.
Once done, you can celebrate the fact that while Carolinans and Texans debate who bbqs best, you've done the very Canadian thing of avoiding the debate all together.
Braised Ribs
[note, I use a crock pot for this recipe, but you can do the same thing in an oven]
1. Take your ribs and cut them into manageable pieces for whatever cooking vessel you are using (e.g., 6" long strips of ribs).
2. Into the crockpot, you must prepare the braising liquid. There are two options for this. Option one, follow a strict recipe. Option two, empty out your fridge. You see, the braising liquid should be mostly a flavourful liquid, sweetened and aromaticized, so you can vary it up based on what you have available. However, a conservative with dogmatic tendencies should do the following:
Liquid:
Equal parts beef stock and beer. Preferably a cream ale like Kilkenny.
Sweetener:
Honey. (Molasses in a pinch).
Aromatics:
1 chopped onion. 1 roughly chopped HEAD of garlic. Salt & Pepper. Juniper berries. Blue berries (straight from the freezer). Bay leaf. Ancho chili powder.
3. Place ribs into braising liquid. Braise for - oh - 4 - 5 hours until they are almost impossible to remove without flaking away into tender pieces of perfection.
4. Make a quick sauce to serve with the ribs. Take a cup of the braising liquid (strained of aromatics). Squirt in ketchup (2 tblspoons); and a dollop of dijon. Two tablespoons of Worcesteshire sauce. 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar. More ancho chili powder, honey & blueberries (crush as sauce cooks). Cook down - add corn starch to thicken. (Remember, mix cornstarch with some beer before you add and add as an emulsion.)
Serve with a spinach salad (red onion, boiled egg slices, radishes) in a mustard vinegrette. Simple rice is good too.
Once done, you can celebrate the fact that while Carolinans and Texans debate who bbqs best, you've done the very Canadian thing of avoiding the debate all together.
Labels: Right wingers are the best cooks because everything is alphalpha free
Pierre Elliot Creepy
The Gazette features an interesting piece about Pierre Trudeau written by a guy who was a youngster when Trudeau quit the political scene. I know John MacFarlane, who wrote the piece, our social circles cross at the very edges, and we share the same demographic perspective. However, every bit of Trudeau history leaves me more and more creeped out by the man. This piece is no exception: Pierre Trudeau was one weird dude.
At 52, Pierre Trudeau married Margeret Sinclair who was 22 at the time. Now, at the risk of pissing off cyber-friend Old Squid, this is frikkin' perverse. I am not trying to denigrate 22 year olds - a fine and productive age to be sure - but when a 52 year old man marries a 22 year old, please don't try to sell me on the concept that they are "soul mates" whispering deep and profound thoughts through the night. His life experiences include wage and price controls, getting cozy with communists and creating the run on deficits and debt that took decades to reverse. Her life experiences include struggling to get to a 9 am class and making it through a pub crawl in one semi-coherent piece.
Nope. 52 year old men don't go on panty raids in college dorms to find their wives. Or at least, those who do - regardless of whether or not they are busom buddies with Fidel Castro - are certified creeps.
At 52, Pierre Trudeau married Margeret Sinclair who was 22 at the time. Now, at the risk of pissing off cyber-friend Old Squid, this is frikkin' perverse. I am not trying to denigrate 22 year olds - a fine and productive age to be sure - but when a 52 year old man marries a 22 year old, please don't try to sell me on the concept that they are "soul mates" whispering deep and profound thoughts through the night. His life experiences include wage and price controls, getting cozy with communists and creating the run on deficits and debt that took decades to reverse. Her life experiences include struggling to get to a 9 am class and making it through a pub crawl in one semi-coherent piece.
Nope. 52 year old men don't go on panty raids in college dorms to find their wives. Or at least, those who do - regardless of whether or not they are busom buddies with Fidel Castro - are certified creeps.
Labels: My parents cured themselves of Trudeaumania with a dose of Harpermania
Thursday, April 03, 2008
The Joy of Cannabilism
I think any reasonable person would say this isn't lunatic hyperbole. So, in an effort to help us all adapt to an anthropogenically triggered warm planet, I present you my favorite recipe for eating human beings. [note: this works with chicken as well, since human flesh tastes, as all other things do, like chicken .]
Human Vol-au-Vent
1. Take 1.5 pounds of human flesh pieces (bone in) and immerse in boiling salted liquid (1/2 human stock, 1/2 riesling). Include a bay leaf in the liquid. Cook for thirty minutes. Remove and and shred from the bone.
[note to cooks: any human flesh can be used, however avoid the organs as they have a bitter flavour. It is preferable to use left-wing human flesh as their lazy habits tend to make them have a fattier, more flavourful meat. Beware though: vegetarians have very tough meat and are not appropriate for this recipe. Save vegetarians for making kebabs.]
2. In a separate pan, saute vegetables - while you should use whatever is handy, the ideal would be cubed carrots, peas, diced red bell pepper, sliced garlic and leeks. Sweat the vegetables but do not caramelize.
3. In a saucepan, melt butter (approximately 4 tablespoons). When melted, add an equal portion of flour to make a roux. Cook for two minutes or until the floor-butter mixture obtains a golden hue. Then, add milk to create a thick white sauce. Take approximately 1 cup of shredded gruyere cheese and incorporate into sauce. Season to taste.
[note to cooks: for a lighter sauce, human stock can be used instead of milk. Ensure that you are using only the freshest human bones - preferably from children which produce a sensational stock.]
4. Combine shredded human flesh, veggies and sause. Keep warm.
5. In a 400 degree oven, bake vol-au-vents until crispy and golden.
To serve, place two vol-au-vents on a plate and ladle over the human flesh in sauce. Garnish with watercress for a peppery finish. Pair with a merlot from the Great Slave valley and accompany with Iqualuit fingerling potatoes and deep-fried human eye balls rolled in a cornmeal batter.
Human Vol-au-Vent
1. Take 1.5 pounds of human flesh pieces (bone in) and immerse in boiling salted liquid (1/2 human stock, 1/2 riesling). Include a bay leaf in the liquid. Cook for thirty minutes. Remove and and shred from the bone.
[note to cooks: any human flesh can be used, however avoid the organs as they have a bitter flavour. It is preferable to use left-wing human flesh as their lazy habits tend to make them have a fattier, more flavourful meat. Beware though: vegetarians have very tough meat and are not appropriate for this recipe. Save vegetarians for making kebabs.]
2. In a separate pan, saute vegetables - while you should use whatever is handy, the ideal would be cubed carrots, peas, diced red bell pepper, sliced garlic and leeks. Sweat the vegetables but do not caramelize.
3. In a saucepan, melt butter (approximately 4 tablespoons). When melted, add an equal portion of flour to make a roux. Cook for two minutes or until the floor-butter mixture obtains a golden hue. Then, add milk to create a thick white sauce. Take approximately 1 cup of shredded gruyere cheese and incorporate into sauce. Season to taste.
[note to cooks: for a lighter sauce, human stock can be used instead of milk. Ensure that you are using only the freshest human bones - preferably from children which produce a sensational stock.]
4. Combine shredded human flesh, veggies and sause. Keep warm.
5. In a 400 degree oven, bake vol-au-vents until crispy and golden.
To serve, place two vol-au-vents on a plate and ladle over the human flesh in sauce. Garnish with watercress for a peppery finish. Pair with a merlot from the Great Slave valley and accompany with Iqualuit fingerling potatoes and deep-fried human eye balls rolled in a cornmeal batter.
Labels: I wonder if Ted's carbon footprint is as small as Al Gore's
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
CBC out to prove that Bold and Lame are not mutually exclusive
In fits of weakness, I do sometimes purchase the Globe & Mail to see what the sages of Hogtown want me to know. Yesterday, with no alternative, I did just that and surprise, surprise, out slips an insert advertising a new CBC television channel. (The insert, for some strange reason, was not in my National Post... hmmmmm.)
The channel has a bold, provocative name: Bold. Yes, CBC Bold. It promises to be a "daring new digital channel... for the discerning viewer: intelligent drama, audacious comedy, the world's best performing arts; and eclusive live sporting events." Check out their website at bold.ca
I'm really excited about this channel. Television that's bold is right up my alley and I think its a great idea that CBC should add another crappy channel to its line up rather than make an effort to produce a single good channel (you know, like a news network that doesn't have Antiques Roadshow running 12 hours a day).
If one thing captures the utter nincompoopery of the effort - classic CBC, if you ask me - it would be "the exciting coverage of LIVE sporting events". Those slow to catch sleight of words, notice the CBC promises exciting coverage of live sporting events. Not coverage of exciting sporting events. Afterall, it is promoting complete coverage of equestrian and sailing events at the Beijing Olympics. That's why it can't claim to broadcast exciting sporting events, but just lamely promise to cover insanely dull sporting events excitingly. And how will they do that? Rumour is that Eliot Spitzer's Three Diamond Gal will be doing the colour commentary throughout. In her bikini.
The channel has a bold, provocative name: Bold. Yes, CBC Bold. It promises to be a "daring new digital channel... for the discerning viewer: intelligent drama, audacious comedy, the world's best performing arts; and eclusive live sporting events." Check out their website at bold.ca
I'm really excited about this channel. Television that's bold is right up my alley and I think its a great idea that CBC should add another crappy channel to its line up rather than make an effort to produce a single good channel (you know, like a news network that doesn't have Antiques Roadshow running 12 hours a day).
If one thing captures the utter nincompoopery of the effort - classic CBC, if you ask me - it would be "the exciting coverage of LIVE sporting events". Those slow to catch sleight of words, notice the CBC promises exciting coverage of live sporting events. Not coverage of exciting sporting events. Afterall, it is promoting complete coverage of equestrian and sailing events at the Beijing Olympics. That's why it can't claim to broadcast exciting sporting events, but just lamely promise to cover insanely dull sporting events excitingly. And how will they do that? Rumour is that Eliot Spitzer's Three Diamond Gal will be doing the colour commentary throughout. In her bikini.
Labels: Plus DaVincis Town Hall and DaVincis Milk Truck will be featured - luck us
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Hard-hearted on Hard-Hattedness
Human rights and workplace safety have collided in British Columbia.
The case boils down to this: two Sikhs have filed a human rights complaint against a forestry company that has installed a hard-hat regulation on its job site. For these long-serving employees, this regulation forces them to choose between their jobs or their religious observances because a hard-hat does not fit around a turban. Its a fascinating case in which strong arguments can be made on both sides and before I address those points, let me just say the complainants lose my sympathy when one of them said:
"We sacrificed our entire lives for the industry and all of a sudden because of this, I feel ridiculed. I feel insulted when they brought this policy in."
Listen buddy, hyperbole should be reserved for Liberal politics and professional wrestling alone. Using the language of "insult" and "ridicule" is a sick sop to the victim culture our society unhappily/healthily delights in. These kind of workplace safety rules are about worker's compensation and insurance claims, generally with union insistence or support. Forget the obvious of not wanting to injure, maim or kill people at a workplace, the financial liabilities associated with accidents are sufficient to compel employers to take all reasonable precautions to avoid these accidents. It isn't personal - except, I would point out, that one of the human rights abused is on disability leave, which sort of suggests a beefing up workplace safety was in order.
So let's suppose that the human rights commission sides with the Sikhs and rules they must be allowed to opt out of the hard-hat requirement. Obviously, workers who opt out of safety regulations would then take full responsibility for the consequences - employers would no longer be held liable for the financial outcomes of workplace accidents. Rights, even human rights, come with responsibilities. There is afterall, a BC precedent: Sikhs are not required to wear helmets when riding motorcycles. In that instance, Sikhs are free to accept the risks such behaviour causes where the rest of us must comply with the safety laws.
But wait a second! Why can't we be allowed to accept the risks of helmet-free motorcycling? As we know, remove the helmet and mortal accidents sky-rocket, which is much cheaper on our health care system than the trauma and chronic care costs that result when helmets are worn. Why not have the basic human right of freedom override all rules that compel us to safe behaviour. In the workplace, this saves the employer money. In general, this saves society money. Cost savings + Increased Liberty = Good right-wing policy.
So, I side with the Sikhs but would go a step further: provide hard hats to those who want them, but let everyone else take on the risks they choose.
The case boils down to this: two Sikhs have filed a human rights complaint against a forestry company that has installed a hard-hat regulation on its job site. For these long-serving employees, this regulation forces them to choose between their jobs or their religious observances because a hard-hat does not fit around a turban. Its a fascinating case in which strong arguments can be made on both sides and before I address those points, let me just say the complainants lose my sympathy when one of them said:
"We sacrificed our entire lives for the industry and all of a sudden because of this, I feel ridiculed. I feel insulted when they brought this policy in."
Listen buddy, hyperbole should be reserved for Liberal politics and professional wrestling alone. Using the language of "insult" and "ridicule" is a sick sop to the victim culture our society unhappily/healthily delights in. These kind of workplace safety rules are about worker's compensation and insurance claims, generally with union insistence or support. Forget the obvious of not wanting to injure, maim or kill people at a workplace, the financial liabilities associated with accidents are sufficient to compel employers to take all reasonable precautions to avoid these accidents. It isn't personal - except, I would point out, that one of the human rights abused is on disability leave, which sort of suggests a beefing up workplace safety was in order.
So let's suppose that the human rights commission sides with the Sikhs and rules they must be allowed to opt out of the hard-hat requirement. Obviously, workers who opt out of safety regulations would then take full responsibility for the consequences - employers would no longer be held liable for the financial outcomes of workplace accidents. Rights, even human rights, come with responsibilities. There is afterall, a BC precedent: Sikhs are not required to wear helmets when riding motorcycles. In that instance, Sikhs are free to accept the risks such behaviour causes where the rest of us must comply with the safety laws.
But wait a second! Why can't we be allowed to accept the risks of helmet-free motorcycling? As we know, remove the helmet and mortal accidents sky-rocket, which is much cheaper on our health care system than the trauma and chronic care costs that result when helmets are worn. Why not have the basic human right of freedom override all rules that compel us to safe behaviour. In the workplace, this saves the employer money. In general, this saves society money. Cost savings + Increased Liberty = Good right-wing policy.
So, I side with the Sikhs but would go a step further: provide hard hats to those who want them, but let everyone else take on the risks they choose.
Labels: If this happened in Quebec - the Globe would be calling us racist
