Thursday, February 28, 2008
There is no "opposition" in Opposition
From the Prime Minister of Abstainistan:
"We'll find a way to not defeat the government and to express our disagreement with this budget," Dion said after a caucus meeting in Ottawa.
Here are three sure-fire strategies - for free:
1) Join the Tory caucus and express your opinions within the comfort and privacy of the Tory caucus. That way, you aren't stuck expressing uncomfortably ridiculous non-statements in front of the glare of a press scrum.
2) Wear white arm bands to symbolize your symbolic opposition. It will be a powerful statement of disgust with a government that you are supporting in reality - but only in reality - it will be a wink and nod to your people that in fantasy, you have taken down this government a thousand times.
3) Cross your fingers that where you can't provide actual opposition, a President Obama could. President Obama will actually make good on the oldest Liberal promise in the 47 volume encyclopedia of Liberal promises: to scrap NAFTA.
Good luck, Mr. Dion, with this mighty quandary.
"We'll find a way to not defeat the government and to express our disagreement with this budget," Dion said after a caucus meeting in Ottawa.
Here are three sure-fire strategies - for free:
1) Join the Tory caucus and express your opinions within the comfort and privacy of the Tory caucus. That way, you aren't stuck expressing uncomfortably ridiculous non-statements in front of the glare of a press scrum.
2) Wear white arm bands to symbolize your symbolic opposition. It will be a powerful statement of disgust with a government that you are supporting in reality - but only in reality - it will be a wink and nod to your people that in fantasy, you have taken down this government a thousand times.
3) Cross your fingers that where you can't provide actual opposition, a President Obama could. President Obama will actually make good on the oldest Liberal promise in the 47 volume encyclopedia of Liberal promises: to scrap NAFTA.
Good luck, Mr. Dion, with this mighty quandary.
Labels: Pagliacci about now, Stephane Dion is singing I
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The budget, briefly
An eye-popping quote on the budget comes from Clement Gignac, chief economist for the National Bank:
"...since Budget 2007, there is $43 billion in manouevring room and 87% of that has gone to debt reduction and tax reduction and only 12% to new spending."
[to which, I would add, we should remove military spending as part of that 12% since Liberals find that the most vulgar way to spend government monies.]
Anyway, its a pretty stark figure which makes you wonder - how can an opposition party that has promised to spend billions in a war against poverty, billions in a war against climate change and billions to set up government-run child rearing farms actually support the budget? Yesterday, John McCallum said they are only talking about the "document in front of them" but that's a fairly shoddy answer since the series of budget documents add up to a starkly un-Liberal direction for the country. Liberal voters should, at some point, feel deeply betrayed by their Liberal party for letting the ship of state change course so dramatically, not only without opposition, but without the opposition even noticing.
Meanwhile, our friend springer points to this poll from CROP in Quebec showing the Tories at 27% across the province and 49% in the Quebec City area. This has been a fairly consistent result when CROP polls 1,000 or so Quebeckers which is why any poll that shows weaker Tory support in Quebec should be held suspect. Liberal support is concentrated on the island of Montreal. But yesterday's announcement that a light rail commuter line will finally be built for Montreal's West Island will serve as a powerful symbol in any coming election of what Chuckercanuck has long argued: Liberal votes in Montreal are taken for granted and abused by Liberals - finally, a Tory government is doing something for us. [Full disclosure: I am a train commuter who will daily benefit from this change. Right now, the commuter train shares a line with freight and too frequently is late, stalled, stops; frustrating the hell out of everyone trapped on the service.
"...since Budget 2007, there is $43 billion in manouevring room and 87% of that has gone to debt reduction and tax reduction and only 12% to new spending."
[to which, I would add, we should remove military spending as part of that 12% since Liberals find that the most vulgar way to spend government monies.]
Anyway, its a pretty stark figure which makes you wonder - how can an opposition party that has promised to spend billions in a war against poverty, billions in a war against climate change and billions to set up government-run child rearing farms actually support the budget? Yesterday, John McCallum said they are only talking about the "document in front of them" but that's a fairly shoddy answer since the series of budget documents add up to a starkly un-Liberal direction for the country. Liberal voters should, at some point, feel deeply betrayed by their Liberal party for letting the ship of state change course so dramatically, not only without opposition, but without the opposition even noticing.
Meanwhile, our friend springer points to this poll from CROP in Quebec showing the Tories at 27% across the province and 49% in the Quebec City area. This has been a fairly consistent result when CROP polls 1,000 or so Quebeckers which is why any poll that shows weaker Tory support in Quebec should be held suspect. Liberal support is concentrated on the island of Montreal. But yesterday's announcement that a light rail commuter line will finally be built for Montreal's West Island will serve as a powerful symbol in any coming election of what Chuckercanuck has long argued: Liberal votes in Montreal are taken for granted and abused by Liberals - finally, a Tory government is doing something for us. [Full disclosure: I am a train commuter who will daily benefit from this change. Right now, the commuter train shares a line with freight and too frequently is late, stalled, stops; frustrating the hell out of everyone trapped on the service.
Labels: As you were
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Money for nothing, but the chicks do cost you
Fact is funnier than fiction. Once again, Canadians have played to type and reminded the world that despite Trudeau's assurances, none of us know how to have sex in a canoe.
Our wildest fantasy, apparently, is to live an anonymous life, working at an invisible job in an cubicle hinterland. We dream of faxing forms and frustrating fools who think calling a government bureau to resolve a problem will actually, you know, resolve a problem. We close our eyes, picture ourselves speaking into a phone receiver, "I'm sorry sir, you really need to phone the Office of Revenue Exceptions & Queries. And before you do, you'll need to submit an F32.119.0A which can be obtained through the Agency for Fiscal Documentation." We don't want to make a difference; we want a pension.
We are the only country where Kafka is read as comedy with satisfyingly happy endings.
Our wildest fantasy, apparently, is to live an anonymous life, working at an invisible job in an cubicle hinterland. We dream of faxing forms and frustrating fools who think calling a government bureau to resolve a problem will actually, you know, resolve a problem. We close our eyes, picture ourselves speaking into a phone receiver, "I'm sorry sir, you really need to phone the Office of Revenue Exceptions & Queries. And before you do, you'll need to submit an F32.119.0A which can be obtained through the Agency for Fiscal Documentation." We don't want to make a difference; we want a pension.
We are the only country where Kafka is read as comedy with satisfyingly happy endings.
Labels: Our souls have the fattest asses on the planet
Monday, February 25, 2008
Since you were all wondering
I did look dashing on the red carpet - thankfully following the brilliant but uncomely Phillip Seymour Hoffman - anyway, to satiate curiosity, I was wearing a piece from the Wayne Gretzky evening wear collection available at most fine department stores across the land.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sleeping on the Cause
My wife's 35 year old vegan cousin rode down from Ottawa with his girlfriend for a weekend romp in Montreal. This means Friday night crashing at our little suburban homestead. The chap is a pleasant fellow, an ernest riding executive with the NDP, and his girlfriend is a downright charming transplant from Saskatchewan.
We ate Indian and after polishing the bottle of wine they brought, they happily drained my bottle of 16 year old Bushmills while deliberating over the plight of Canadian aboriginals, the lingering effects of colonialism in Kenya and the need for a living wage. Heaven forbid we spend even five minutes talking about the Gene Simmons sex tapes.
Before they headed to repair in our guest room for the night, vegan cousin looks to me and asks, "so do Rainbow and SkyPiper wake up early?"
"Oh no," I assure him, "they sleep in pretty late if left alone." See, in my mind, kids that sleep to 8 am are kids that sleep in - but vegan cousin and his girlfriend slept until 11 am. They were not dressed and breakfasted until noon.
Why am I sharing this story?
Well, Working Man and Working Woman of Canada, those who make you their only cause in life, don't get started until about noon. If you are wondering why greedy corporations and money gulping yuppies are profiting so handsomely at your expense, look to your advocates! By the time your champions have buttered their first slice of morning toast, I am nearly half way through my day.
We ate Indian and after polishing the bottle of wine they brought, they happily drained my bottle of 16 year old Bushmills while deliberating over the plight of Canadian aboriginals, the lingering effects of colonialism in Kenya and the need for a living wage. Heaven forbid we spend even five minutes talking about the Gene Simmons sex tapes.
Before they headed to repair in our guest room for the night, vegan cousin looks to me and asks, "so do Rainbow and SkyPiper wake up early?"
"Oh no," I assure him, "they sleep in pretty late if left alone." See, in my mind, kids that sleep to 8 am are kids that sleep in - but vegan cousin and his girlfriend slept until 11 am. They were not dressed and breakfasted until noon.
Why am I sharing this story?
Well, Working Man and Working Woman of Canada, those who make you their only cause in life, don't get started until about noon. If you are wondering why greedy corporations and money gulping yuppies are profiting so handsomely at your expense, look to your advocates! By the time your champions have buttered their first slice of morning toast, I am nearly half way through my day.
Labels: At the end of the day - its about people who don't think they should work too hard
Scarecrow Pundits Need to Hurry up a Get Brains
Thanks Don Martin for launching this inspiring screed.
If you are paying attention to the US presidential election via the internet, you are probably accessing analysis and commentary from dozens of news sources that reveal, by comparison, the paucity of analysis and commentary that exists in Canadian media. Ours is a gaggle of bromide pushers who look to John Tesh and Mary Hart with envy. Don Martin himself seems regularly confused as to whether he is passing comment on the governance of a nation or the fashion statements rolling down a Hollywood red carpet.
Ours is a media interested in the form and style of politics. To distinguish: form is the extent to which our politics remains within acceptable stereotypes of what Canadians can and cannot think. We are a left-wing rabble of upper Canadian loyalists still seething at the arrogance of those Yankee upstarts and want no association with them. Any break from that last sentence is an attack on the very heart of Canadiana. Witness the Castonguay report's release this week - full of eminently sound and reasonable proposals to save a health care system - jettisoned as soon as it is released because our media cherish the Epcot fantasy of a health care system rather than the health outcomes the system tries to produce. People will get sick. People will die. Who gives a shit about that when the ideology of Canadian health care is alive and ticking.
Style - our media longs for the return of a charismatic populist (actually, if Trudeau is the model, a charismatic anti-populist) that says swell things in iambic rhythms. Don Martin and gang dream of a politician who can answer all our fantasies - all of them - in single speech. I would argue that the need for such a politician reflects the dire and desperate circumstances a nation finds itself in. Boring works. Boring chugs along. Boring is good for the people. If we need to be swooned, then we're in deep, deep trouble. Besides, if we are to argue style with Don Martin and friends, we Canadians are famous for having the greatest sense of humour per capita on the planet. Our Prime Minister is an examplary of this national trait. Sure, he doesn't make crippled people feel like they can walk on the strength of his oratory, but he can make me crack up.
Anyway, if Canadians look to the south this presidential election cycle, I think Don Martin should be wary. The thing they might envy more than politicians, systems, hot topics: a mature, intelligent punditry.
If you are paying attention to the US presidential election via the internet, you are probably accessing analysis and commentary from dozens of news sources that reveal, by comparison, the paucity of analysis and commentary that exists in Canadian media. Ours is a gaggle of bromide pushers who look to John Tesh and Mary Hart with envy. Don Martin himself seems regularly confused as to whether he is passing comment on the governance of a nation or the fashion statements rolling down a Hollywood red carpet.
Ours is a media interested in the form and style of politics. To distinguish: form is the extent to which our politics remains within acceptable stereotypes of what Canadians can and cannot think. We are a left-wing rabble of upper Canadian loyalists still seething at the arrogance of those Yankee upstarts and want no association with them. Any break from that last sentence is an attack on the very heart of Canadiana. Witness the Castonguay report's release this week - full of eminently sound and reasonable proposals to save a health care system - jettisoned as soon as it is released because our media cherish the Epcot fantasy of a health care system rather than the health outcomes the system tries to produce. People will get sick. People will die. Who gives a shit about that when the ideology of Canadian health care is alive and ticking.
Style - our media longs for the return of a charismatic populist (actually, if Trudeau is the model, a charismatic anti-populist) that says swell things in iambic rhythms. Don Martin and gang dream of a politician who can answer all our fantasies - all of them - in single speech. I would argue that the need for such a politician reflects the dire and desperate circumstances a nation finds itself in. Boring works. Boring chugs along. Boring is good for the people. If we need to be swooned, then we're in deep, deep trouble. Besides, if we are to argue style with Don Martin and friends, we Canadians are famous for having the greatest sense of humour per capita on the planet. Our Prime Minister is an examplary of this national trait. Sure, he doesn't make crippled people feel like they can walk on the strength of his oratory, but he can make me crack up.
Anyway, if Canadians look to the south this presidential election cycle, I think Don Martin should be wary. The thing they might envy more than politicians, systems, hot topics: a mature, intelligent punditry.
Labels: Don Martin is a secret Toronto Star infiltrator
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Those are mean butterflies in my stomach
Uhhhhhhhhh. My wife has passed on a nasty stomach flu to me.
Anyway, this bit of news has me very happy and will undoubtedly send the Liberals back to Abstainistan. Prediction: pre-writ polls understate Tory support by 4 - 5%.
Meanwhile, I am watching the Obama-Clinton debate. These are two very boring people. Obama is a windbag who needs to constantly "make another point". Clinton is not going to get anywhere by starting off with how much the two of them agree. Someone needs to explain to Barak Obama that NAFTA has nothing to do with trade with China. (I was with some central Massachutters earlier this week and they all agreed: Obama will wear thin by June.)
Anyway, this bit of news has me very happy and will undoubtedly send the Liberals back to Abstainistan. Prediction: pre-writ polls understate Tory support by 4 - 5%.
Meanwhile, I am watching the Obama-Clinton debate. These are two very boring people. Obama is a windbag who needs to constantly "make another point". Clinton is not going to get anywhere by starting off with how much the two of them agree. Someone needs to explain to Barak Obama that NAFTA has nothing to do with trade with China. (I was with some central Massachutters earlier this week and they all agreed: Obama will wear thin by June.)
Labels: Back to bed
Monday, February 18, 2008
Hot Copy from the US Presidential Elections
Wow. Its very exciting to play a pivotal role in the US presidential elections - thanks to a source close to the Obama campaign, I have been given a transcript of his Wisconsin victory speech that he wrote himself. I promised only to share it with insignificant Canadians, so here it is, well actually just the highlights.
What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason...be true to thine own self and thou cannot be false to no man...love is not just peaches and cream....by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned....life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing...some people say I swagger, well in Texas, we call this walking!
(pause for cheers and fainting women)
The phone rings in the middle of the night, my father says, "what you gonna do with your life?".... I'm picking up good vibrations, she's sending out excitations...Live is life, la, la, la, la, la.... you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright.... mmm bop! mmmm bop! shoobeedoowap mmm bop! hey hey hey! yeah, yeah....
I think we can all agree, it will be a damned exciting speech tomorrow.
What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason...be true to thine own self and thou cannot be false to no man...love is not just peaches and cream....by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned....life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing...some people say I swagger, well in Texas, we call this walking!
(pause for cheers and fainting women)
The phone rings in the middle of the night, my father says, "what you gonna do with your life?".... I'm picking up good vibrations, she's sending out excitations...Live is life, la, la, la, la, la.... you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright.... mmm bop! mmmm bop! shoobeedoowap mmm bop! hey hey hey! yeah, yeah....
I think we can all agree, it will be a damned exciting speech tomorrow.
Labels: I believe I can fly - I believe I can touch the sky
Happy Family Day, Ontario (and Alberta)
Dear Ontario and Alberta,
Happy family day, you silly people. Enjoy the grey slush and urge to stay in your homes without the 20 lbs of winter wear required to take advantage of the day off.
Are we Quebeckers jealous?
Nonsense, you milkers of diseased cows! On or around June 24th, while you sit in traffic or shuffle papers from one side of an office to the other, we will be at home, drunk and rolling in grass. We will be playing badminton and not caring where the little birdie lands! We will BBQ ribs and play guitar around a campfire - singing songs about how nice it is to have our holidays in the SUMMER!
Happy family day, you silly people. Enjoy the grey slush and urge to stay in your homes without the 20 lbs of winter wear required to take advantage of the day off.
Are we Quebeckers jealous?
Nonsense, you milkers of diseased cows! On or around June 24th, while you sit in traffic or shuffle papers from one side of an office to the other, we will be at home, drunk and rolling in grass. We will be playing badminton and not caring where the little birdie lands! We will BBQ ribs and play guitar around a campfire - singing songs about how nice it is to have our holidays in the SUMMER!
Labels: Okay - maybe I'm a little jealous
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Spring election? I guess we'll hibernate til July then
According to polls, Canadians like minority government and if given a chance to cast a ballot this spring, they will opt for yet another minority government. Why do Canadians like minority governments? Well, probably because they don't consume much political news - as junkies like us do. If they did consume political news like water, they would likely be as bored of minority government as I am: afterall, not a day goes by when a column somewhere in this country isn't devoted to speculation as to when the next election will be triggered.
The latest bit comes from Jean Chretien who, according to Jean Lapierre, is urging Stephane Dion to, you know, be an opposition leader as opposed to the preferred role of Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Abstainers. The former Prime Minister warns that Stephane Dion's credibility will be shot if he keeps sniping and propping at the same time. Jean Chretien is correct. So pull the plug, already. Remember, there may be no I in team, Mr. Dion, but there is certainly WIN in Shawinigan.
And how will Mr. Dion fair in a spring election? Well, first off, let me just suggest that having Mr. Kyoto jet around the country reinforces what hollow rhetoric he spews when it comes to global warming. Second, he will begin the campaign burdened by a whack of spending promises that only a former Enron executive could present without blushing.
But the worst, his coterie will be forcing him to Obamafy his every move. Right now, there's a gaggle of Liberals drawing up what they consider the essence of the Illinois senator:
==> Characterize Canada as a quasi-failed state populated by a depressed, dispirited people.
==> Promise that by electing him, these people will find salvation and happiness.
==> Pick a Stevie Wonder song for a campaign theme. Maybe "You haven't done nothing."
The latest bit comes from Jean Chretien who, according to Jean Lapierre, is urging Stephane Dion to, you know, be an opposition leader as opposed to the preferred role of Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Abstainers. The former Prime Minister warns that Stephane Dion's credibility will be shot if he keeps sniping and propping at the same time. Jean Chretien is correct. So pull the plug, already. Remember, there may be no I in team, Mr. Dion, but there is certainly WIN in Shawinigan.
And how will Mr. Dion fair in a spring election? Well, first off, let me just suggest that having Mr. Kyoto jet around the country reinforces what hollow rhetoric he spews when it comes to global warming. Second, he will begin the campaign burdened by a whack of spending promises that only a former Enron executive could present without blushing.
But the worst, his coterie will be forcing him to Obamafy his every move. Right now, there's a gaggle of Liberals drawing up what they consider the essence of the Illinois senator:
==> Characterize Canada as a quasi-failed state populated by a depressed, dispirited people.
==> Promise that by electing him, these people will find salvation and happiness.
==> Pick a Stevie Wonder song for a campaign theme. Maybe "You haven't done nothing."
Labels: Election speculation makes minorty governments tedious
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Short burst of McCainia
Now, my Canadian friends, I realize you all get shivers when you hear Barak Obama speak and when your knees start collectively knocking, its a boat I shouldn't be rocking. However, as you know, to me, Barak Obama is the Celine Dion of politics. Everything is a content-free vocal performance.
Me, I like John McCain and the National Post has an article on the candidate that re-enforces my impressions. He's very funny and I present to you, from that article, two McCain jokes:
On losing the 2000 Republican campaign to GWB:
"I slept like a baby. I slept for two hours then woke up and cried. I slept for another two hours and woke up and cried again."
On Chelsea Clinton (yes, yes, this is mean....):
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father."
Rodney Dangerfield could only dream of lines like that...
Me, I like John McCain and the National Post has an article on the candidate that re-enforces my impressions. He's very funny and I present to you, from that article, two McCain jokes:
On losing the 2000 Republican campaign to GWB:
"I slept like a baby. I slept for two hours then woke up and cried. I slept for another two hours and woke up and cried again."
On Chelsea Clinton (yes, yes, this is mean....):
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father."
Rodney Dangerfield could only dream of lines like that...
Labels: Senator McCain - pick JC Watts
Friday, February 15, 2008
Two Tickets to Paradise
In the least frequented corners of my memory, I store vivid recollections of television series gone awry. In the 80s, for instance, there was a prime-time drama called, "Manimal", about a protagonist who fought crime with an ability to change into any kind of animal. The show laster three months and I think I was its only viewer. More recently, when reality television was the dominant art form on the small screen and every studio producer scrambled to get off-kilter civilians locked into a confined space with a camera, there was Paradise Hotel.
Paradise Hotel is the apex of television culture, perhaps even the finest thing human civilization ever produced. The premise was simple: take 16 sexy single people, half men, half women, and force them to spend each week coupled with a different mate in a different room at a secluded resort. See what happens. Perhaps the genius of the program was the fact that, unlike Big Brother, there was no defined way to win the game. Technically, the show could go on forever with contestants trapped inside paradise until they die.
It was addictive television. As the weeks progressed, cliques emerged, tensions erupted, ugly, horrible insults hurled across a curvy pool under a canopy of palms. It was Lord of the Flies with silicone chests and peroxyde mop-tops. It was a brutal, vulgar confessional of humanity's cheapest instincts. All the Jerry Springers, Montel Williams and Maury Povichs in the world could not tape enough talk shows to match the venal content stuffed into this brief miracle of reality TV.
At some point, maybe 10 weeks into the taping, the producers must have realized the salacious inferno was set to explode and pulled the plug. We never did find out if Toni was actually a man as so many thinkers speculated after the infamous "sitting on the stairs in a dress without crossing your legs" episode. To this day, neither my wife nor I have closure.
But good news! In the dog days of the writers strike, someone in a studio somewhere decided that the only way to save the television season was to bring Paradise Hotel back to life. It airs tonight. If for this alone, the strike was worth it.
Paradise Hotel is the apex of television culture, perhaps even the finest thing human civilization ever produced. The premise was simple: take 16 sexy single people, half men, half women, and force them to spend each week coupled with a different mate in a different room at a secluded resort. See what happens. Perhaps the genius of the program was the fact that, unlike Big Brother, there was no defined way to win the game. Technically, the show could go on forever with contestants trapped inside paradise until they die.
It was addictive television. As the weeks progressed, cliques emerged, tensions erupted, ugly, horrible insults hurled across a curvy pool under a canopy of palms. It was Lord of the Flies with silicone chests and peroxyde mop-tops. It was a brutal, vulgar confessional of humanity's cheapest instincts. All the Jerry Springers, Montel Williams and Maury Povichs in the world could not tape enough talk shows to match the venal content stuffed into this brief miracle of reality TV.
At some point, maybe 10 weeks into the taping, the producers must have realized the salacious inferno was set to explode and pulled the plug. We never did find out if Toni was actually a man as so many thinkers speculated after the infamous "sitting on the stairs in a dress without crossing your legs" episode. To this day, neither my wife nor I have closure.
But good news! In the dog days of the writers strike, someone in a studio somewhere decided that the only way to save the television season was to bring Paradise Hotel back to life. It airs tonight. If for this alone, the strike was worth it.
Labels: Or you could watch the ridiculous CSI
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Birdwatching with Brison
Liberals are holding a terrific fundraising auction tonight. Top items up for auction: hot dates with Liberal celebrities. Now, before you get excited with dreams of having cocktails with Rick Mercer or candlelit dinner with Ashley McIsaac, read the fine print: the celebrities in question are politicians. Still, in the hopes of whetting your apetite, I have imagined for you what these prizes might be like...
Golfing with Paul Martin
"Let me assure, this next hole is very, very challenging. On this course, my highest priority is getting par on this hole."
"But you said that about the last hole!"
"And the last hole was very, very challenging and if you'll notice, I made it a very high priority to score well on it. Now, shut up while Buzz concentrates on his tee off."
Watching Hockey with Ken Dryden
"Hockey is, for me, the ultimate metaphor for Canadian life. The puck represents the cutting edge of the social dynamic. The ice is both a field to be mastered and a setting never completely within any one person or country's control. The opponent's net symbolizes the collective happiness of a nation's people. Your net represents the core values you hold. The boards represent the limits of what's possible but jerseys in the rafters are a reminder to dream big and make the impossible happen. When I think about hockey, I think about Canada and Big Dreams. The kind of dreams that makes us wake up at night with the organization structure of a new entitlement program bursting, complete, from your forehead. And I do feel that way, sometimes, watching hockey, and thinking about the great social challenges that a subdepartment of the Ministry of Public Works could solve."
"Hey, Kenny boy, here's a beer - let's watch the game."
Tennis with the Rae brothers
John: "My server. And as you return it, think about how easily I could crush you with a quick call to someone on the Power Corporation board."
Bob: "John's a kidder. Hey, how's about we call this game quits and head up to the bar where I could entertain everyone at the piano."
Auction Winner: "Uhhh, but it's only game 2 of the first set."
Personally, if I would bid on a prize to spend a night making home videos with Garth Turner.
Golfing with Paul Martin
"Let me assure, this next hole is very, very challenging. On this course, my highest priority is getting par on this hole."
"But you said that about the last hole!"
"And the last hole was very, very challenging and if you'll notice, I made it a very high priority to score well on it. Now, shut up while Buzz concentrates on his tee off."
Watching Hockey with Ken Dryden
"Hockey is, for me, the ultimate metaphor for Canadian life. The puck represents the cutting edge of the social dynamic. The ice is both a field to be mastered and a setting never completely within any one person or country's control. The opponent's net symbolizes the collective happiness of a nation's people. Your net represents the core values you hold. The boards represent the limits of what's possible but jerseys in the rafters are a reminder to dream big and make the impossible happen. When I think about hockey, I think about Canada and Big Dreams. The kind of dreams that makes us wake up at night with the organization structure of a new entitlement program bursting, complete, from your forehead. And I do feel that way, sometimes, watching hockey, and thinking about the great social challenges that a subdepartment of the Ministry of Public Works could solve."
"Hey, Kenny boy, here's a beer - let's watch the game."
Tennis with the Rae brothers
John: "My server. And as you return it, think about how easily I could crush you with a quick call to someone on the Power Corporation board."
Bob: "John's a kidder. Hey, how's about we call this game quits and head up to the bar where I could entertain everyone at the piano."
Auction Winner: "Uhhh, but it's only game 2 of the first set."
Personally, if I would bid on a prize to spend a night making home videos with Garth Turner.
Labels: Sotheby's has a rival
Monday, February 11, 2008
Letters, we get letters, we get lots and lots of letters
A far-flung piece of fan mail from Dr. Izo Agamochi of the Institute for Advanced Mathematics in Kobe, Japan:
Chuckercanuck! Long-time reader, first time annoyer - why so slow this week? You on vacation?
Good question, Doctor Agamochi. While I have been pre-occupied with work and a home renovation project, my barely wink-long break from blogging has been entirely due to the news. You see, I am foremost a conservative propagandist focused on federal politics. I like to do some Quebec bit when there's something valuable to report. I sometimes cop-out with a "slice of life" type entry. But most of my schtick is federal and federal politics is fairly stale right now.
Dion is a Dipper in Grit clothing. For the sake of intelligent politics, he must go and let Michael Ignatieff take a swing with the big bat. We need a government-in-waiting, not an oppositing-in-drag. I think its flirtation with de facto abandonement of the Kandahar mission is, in the most pleasant terms, repulsive. When committing to any military engagement, commit to win - not to a time frame. Having launched the mission should, to a high degree, influence how the Liberal party should position themselves on it. (Particularly those who sat around the cabinet table.) I don`t think the citizens of Darfur need to know that a Liberal government would intervene there to make and keep peace. For four months.
Mulroney was boring then, its worse now.
Most of the media seems locked in a quarrel over whether hate, ìn the legal sense, was scratched onto the boards of an ice rink in suburban Toronto. Eye on the ball, folks.
Meanwhile, I`m back to baseboards which for me means a 60% baseboard - 40% wood filler solution.
Talk soon, Doctor,
Chuckercanuck
Chuckercanuck! Long-time reader, first time annoyer - why so slow this week? You on vacation?
Good question, Doctor Agamochi. While I have been pre-occupied with work and a home renovation project, my barely wink-long break from blogging has been entirely due to the news. You see, I am foremost a conservative propagandist focused on federal politics. I like to do some Quebec bit when there's something valuable to report. I sometimes cop-out with a "slice of life" type entry. But most of my schtick is federal and federal politics is fairly stale right now.
Dion is a Dipper in Grit clothing. For the sake of intelligent politics, he must go and let Michael Ignatieff take a swing with the big bat. We need a government-in-waiting, not an oppositing-in-drag. I think its flirtation with de facto abandonement of the Kandahar mission is, in the most pleasant terms, repulsive. When committing to any military engagement, commit to win - not to a time frame. Having launched the mission should, to a high degree, influence how the Liberal party should position themselves on it. (Particularly those who sat around the cabinet table.) I don`t think the citizens of Darfur need to know that a Liberal government would intervene there to make and keep peace. For four months.
Mulroney was boring then, its worse now.
Most of the media seems locked in a quarrel over whether hate, ìn the legal sense, was scratched onto the boards of an ice rink in suburban Toronto. Eye on the ball, folks.
Meanwhile, I`m back to baseboards which for me means a 60% baseboard - 40% wood filler solution.
Talk soon, Doctor,
Chuckercanuck
Labels: Politically - a manic monday
Thoughts on a Daily Trip through Square Victoria Metro Station
And thanks to you, Mrs. Robinson, I'm forced to hear these wimpy vegans wail all day.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Parole Day for Prisoner 24601
June 7th, 2021.
Prisoner 24601 enters the the small conference room in the west wing of a maximum security prison in Kingston, Ontario. He sits in the empty chair opposite three sobre-looking chaps each with thick folders before them.
Probation Officer 1: 24601, you have served 11 of your 15 year sentence for the intergeneration crime of climate change denial. As such, we are required to assess your eligibility for parole. We have conducted a pre-assessment review of your file and are happy to report that you have been a model prisoner and fully deserving of parole should you pass the final test. How does that sound?
24601: Excellent, indeed.
Probation Officer 2: What we must establish today, 24601, is that you show remorse for your crimes. We know you have done well in your rehabilitation programs, but we must hear from you directly whether or not you regret your crimes and understand how destructive they are to civilization.
24601: Absolutely. I am ashamed that I did not embrace the challenge of climate change from the get-go. I am ashamed to have thought of Al Gore as anything less than the greatest person in history.
Probation Officer 3: So, you accept anthropogenic global warming?
24601: Without reservation. I know that last year was simultaneously the 3rd, 11th and 22nd warmest year on record. I know that low-activity hurricane seasons prove global warming as much as high-activity seasons. I know the sun plays no role in global climate. I reject any reference to places where ice is accumulating and consider relevant only those areas where it is melting. Climate change denial is the basest crime a human can commit. A vulgarity of historic proportions.
(The officers nod in agreement.)
Probation Officer 1: Excellent. 24601, we have agreed to offer you parole. Welcome to your new life in freedom. Now, due to energy conservation efforts, you have not had a chance to see how our climate fighting strategies have changed the way we live. So, I want to prepare you for some of those changes. First off, we have eliminated names. In order to reduce data storage requirements and the length of forms, we have collapsed identities into social insurance numbers. When freed, you are to be known as 001 999 555.
24601: Hm. My prisoner number is actually more environmentally friendly.
Probation Officer 2: True enough, 24601, but we have to be practical. Now, in the freed world, you will be assigned living space in dormitory #3 of living quarters 17, outside Pembroke. Your wife lives in dormitory #6 of the same living quarters, so you will be with family.
24601: Are you saying I live in a dormitory?
Probation Officer 3: Yes. With 49 other courageous fighters of climate change. In order to save the planet, we had to reduce our living footprints. Mass dormitories was the only option.
24601: But in prison, I had my own cell.
Probation Officer 1: A luxury that only the most dangerous offenders in our society can be afforded. Now, you will be assigned to work in the windmill rehabilitation plant, in their spare parts warehouse.
24601: But in prison, I had a choice of jobs - laundry, kitchen, mechanic shop, etc.
Probation Officer 2: Another luxury that only the condemned may enjoy, lest we kill Mother Earth. Now, in freedom, you will be assigned a book to read each month. Enlightening works from the great authors of english literature, Suzuki, Gore, Chomsky, Dion, Turner.
Probation Officer 3: Of course, these are not actually paper books. They are digital downloads that you can access from your dormitory bed. Every month, you will participate in a book club to discuss with fellow citizens how these transformative works of art improved you.
24601: In prison, we have a library and a choice of books.
Probation Officer 1: Libraries kill the planet with unnecessary carbon footprint. Again, its a luxury only prisoners can enjoy.
24601: You know what? Fuck it. Global warming is bullshit. I'm serving my full sentence and enjoying the little bit of freedom I have left in here.
Prisoner 24601 enters the the small conference room in the west wing of a maximum security prison in Kingston, Ontario. He sits in the empty chair opposite three sobre-looking chaps each with thick folders before them.
Probation Officer 1: 24601, you have served 11 of your 15 year sentence for the intergeneration crime of climate change denial. As such, we are required to assess your eligibility for parole. We have conducted a pre-assessment review of your file and are happy to report that you have been a model prisoner and fully deserving of parole should you pass the final test. How does that sound?
24601: Excellent, indeed.
Probation Officer 2: What we must establish today, 24601, is that you show remorse for your crimes. We know you have done well in your rehabilitation programs, but we must hear from you directly whether or not you regret your crimes and understand how destructive they are to civilization.
24601: Absolutely. I am ashamed that I did not embrace the challenge of climate change from the get-go. I am ashamed to have thought of Al Gore as anything less than the greatest person in history.
Probation Officer 3: So, you accept anthropogenic global warming?
24601: Without reservation. I know that last year was simultaneously the 3rd, 11th and 22nd warmest year on record. I know that low-activity hurricane seasons prove global warming as much as high-activity seasons. I know the sun plays no role in global climate. I reject any reference to places where ice is accumulating and consider relevant only those areas where it is melting. Climate change denial is the basest crime a human can commit. A vulgarity of historic proportions.
(The officers nod in agreement.)
Probation Officer 1: Excellent. 24601, we have agreed to offer you parole. Welcome to your new life in freedom. Now, due to energy conservation efforts, you have not had a chance to see how our climate fighting strategies have changed the way we live. So, I want to prepare you for some of those changes. First off, we have eliminated names. In order to reduce data storage requirements and the length of forms, we have collapsed identities into social insurance numbers. When freed, you are to be known as 001 999 555.
24601: Hm. My prisoner number is actually more environmentally friendly.
Probation Officer 2: True enough, 24601, but we have to be practical. Now, in the freed world, you will be assigned living space in dormitory #3 of living quarters 17, outside Pembroke. Your wife lives in dormitory #6 of the same living quarters, so you will be with family.
24601: Are you saying I live in a dormitory?
Probation Officer 3: Yes. With 49 other courageous fighters of climate change. In order to save the planet, we had to reduce our living footprints. Mass dormitories was the only option.
24601: But in prison, I had my own cell.
Probation Officer 1: A luxury that only the most dangerous offenders in our society can be afforded. Now, you will be assigned to work in the windmill rehabilitation plant, in their spare parts warehouse.
24601: But in prison, I had a choice of jobs - laundry, kitchen, mechanic shop, etc.
Probation Officer 2: Another luxury that only the condemned may enjoy, lest we kill Mother Earth. Now, in freedom, you will be assigned a book to read each month. Enlightening works from the great authors of english literature, Suzuki, Gore, Chomsky, Dion, Turner.
Probation Officer 3: Of course, these are not actually paper books. They are digital downloads that you can access from your dormitory bed. Every month, you will participate in a book club to discuss with fellow citizens how these transformative works of art improved you.
24601: In prison, we have a library and a choice of books.
Probation Officer 1: Libraries kill the planet with unnecessary carbon footprint. Again, its a luxury only prisoners can enjoy.
24601: You know what? Fuck it. Global warming is bullshit. I'm serving my full sentence and enjoying the little bit of freedom I have left in here.
Labels: Stick the human rights commissons on these climate change deniers
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Liberal Senate: "Don't You Raise that Age of Consent!"
The Liberal senate - after all, with 75% of the senators being Liberals, there isn't much point in pretending its anything otherwise - will not be moved to pass crime legislation. One of their main sticking points, according to Senator Sharon Carstairs, is raising the age of consent from 14 to 16.
Apparently, there are a ton of good reasons let adults have sex with 14 year olds.
For one thing, lots of 14 year olds make good money selling sexual services to a discriminating clientele. If we raise the age of consent to 16, those children will be deprived of major pocket change. Johns shouldn't feel like criminals for having sex with young tykes, pimps should be able to trade in spring chickens with their heads held high --- if we change the law, they'll just scurry deeper into the underground economy when what they really need are clean, regulated establishments to enjoy the pleasures of youth.
Even if they aren't prostituting, kids these days are having lots of sex. On school buses, during recess, after school on the way to piano lessons - they make rabbits blush. The fact of kids proliferate sexual interactions tells us these interactions are valuable, constructive experiences in their lives; kids really do know what's best for them. And if we are to do anything about it, raising the age of consent would be the worst thing because adults would be deprived of participating in those formative fornications.
I sometimes think our country suffers terribly from a Willy Loman disorder - our quiet desperation for attention to be paid leads us down paths of thought so perverted from their initiating principles that the conclusions look like monstrous approximations of them. Yes, raising the age of consent has the feel of a Footloose town council by-law. But sometimes, its okay to poop on the party - especially the kinds of parties where kids aren't guests. They're favors.
Apparently, there are a ton of good reasons let adults have sex with 14 year olds.
For one thing, lots of 14 year olds make good money selling sexual services to a discriminating clientele. If we raise the age of consent to 16, those children will be deprived of major pocket change. Johns shouldn't feel like criminals for having sex with young tykes, pimps should be able to trade in spring chickens with their heads held high --- if we change the law, they'll just scurry deeper into the underground economy when what they really need are clean, regulated establishments to enjoy the pleasures of youth.
Even if they aren't prostituting, kids these days are having lots of sex. On school buses, during recess, after school on the way to piano lessons - they make rabbits blush. The fact of kids proliferate sexual interactions tells us these interactions are valuable, constructive experiences in their lives; kids really do know what's best for them. And if we are to do anything about it, raising the age of consent would be the worst thing because adults would be deprived of participating in those formative fornications.
I sometimes think our country suffers terribly from a Willy Loman disorder - our quiet desperation for attention to be paid leads us down paths of thought so perverted from their initiating principles that the conclusions look like monstrous approximations of them. Yes, raising the age of consent has the feel of a Footloose town council by-law. But sometimes, its okay to poop on the party - especially the kinds of parties where kids aren't guests. They're favors.
Labels: 10 bucks says they'll want to do field research
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Playing the Nazi Card, poorly
We are all aware of the recent tempest surrounding, well... first it starts off with the Canadian Islamic Congress taking Mark Steyn to court.... well, not an actual court, but to a Human Rights Commission for saying supposedly hurtful things. Then, Keith Martin once-Reform, then Candian Alliance, now Liberal MP comes to the rescue by suggesting Human Rights Commissions should be scrapped at hate laws gutted as they were becoming tools of farce in the hands of folks like the Canadian Islamic Congress and busybodies on Toronto university campuses. Warren Kinsella jumps into the fray, decrying the Martin move as being entirely un-Liberal - pointing out that Nazis over at stormfront.com have come out and strongly endorsed Keith Martins proposition. You can chase down the details to this whole affair over at Joanne's blog.
To me, a neo-nazi is good as prop for a Jerry Springer show and that's about it. If Chuckercanuck is ever favoured with a 10 am slot on Global for his own talk show, you can bet that the subject matter will alternate between "shocking sex secrets that you want to reveal" and neo-nazis/klansmen parading the stage in their full regalia flaunting their comical lunacy for all to enjoy. They are post-modern circus freaks and where they stand on any issue of public policy has no relevance to me, or any serious person.
Their support for any given policy says nothing about the relative merits of that policy. If neo-nazis thinking jumping off a bridge is a b ad idea, it doesn't make jumping off a bridge a good idea. If we take Neo-Nazi support for a position as an automatic disqualifier of that position, we get some interesting results. For example:
Neo-Nazis oppose the Iraq War. Therefore, it was morally wrong to oppose it.
Neo-Nazis oppose military intervention in Iran. Therefore, the morally correct thing to do is bomb Iran.
Neo-Nazis support (non-white-originating) martial arts. Therefore, we should ban them.
Neo-Nazis love Tchaikovsky of all non-Germanic composers (but?) - therefore, we should ban Tchaikovsky.
Neo-Nazis think Ron Paul should be the next president. What say you know liberal hipsters who think Ron Paul is the hottest thing in the Republican race?
To me, a neo-nazi is good as prop for a Jerry Springer show and that's about it. If Chuckercanuck is ever favoured with a 10 am slot on Global for his own talk show, you can bet that the subject matter will alternate between "shocking sex secrets that you want to reveal" and neo-nazis/klansmen parading the stage in their full regalia flaunting their comical lunacy for all to enjoy. They are post-modern circus freaks and where they stand on any issue of public policy has no relevance to me, or any serious person.
Their support for any given policy says nothing about the relative merits of that policy. If neo-nazis thinking jumping off a bridge is a b ad idea, it doesn't make jumping off a bridge a good idea. If we take Neo-Nazi support for a position as an automatic disqualifier of that position, we get some interesting results. For example:
Neo-Nazis oppose the Iraq War. Therefore, it was morally wrong to oppose it.
Neo-Nazis oppose military intervention in Iran. Therefore, the morally correct thing to do is bomb Iran.
Neo-Nazis support (non-white-originating) martial arts. Therefore, we should ban them.
Neo-Nazis love Tchaikovsky of all non-Germanic composers (but?) - therefore, we should ban Tchaikovsky.
Neo-Nazis think Ron Paul should be the next president. What say you know liberal hipsters who think Ron Paul is the hottest thing in the Republican race?
Labels: Godwin's law should be expanded to all communication
Monday, February 04, 2008
Importing US-style Politics just might work this time
Many people, from the media and Liberal caucus, have told us to look for American-style politics to come to Canada. Chuckercanuck has looked ahead at a potential federal election to see how Democratic political styles can be successfully adopted by the Liberal party.
Day 1: Stephane Dion wins the endorsement of Vicky Gabereau, Canada's portly parallel to Oprah. Media is abuzz with speculation on what a celebrity endorsement of this magnitude might mean for the Dion campaign.
Day 4: Stephane Dion breaks down in tears at a campaign rally outside Truro, Nova Scotia. We admits that campaigning is a really tough job.
Day 11: Stephane Dion denies having orchestrated a push poll which includes questions such as "Would you be more or less inclined to vote for Stephen Harper if you knew he intended to banish senior citizens from the country?" and "Would you be more or less inclined to vote for Jack Layton if you knew he planned to make swinging tax deductible?"
Day 19: Stephane Dion's wife plays the race card - she admits that Liberals have small chance of winning much in Saskatchewan because "natives have voted Tory before and old habits die hard."
Day 24: Stephane Dion puts Stephen Harper on the defensive - the Prime Minister must come clean and admit, once and for all, whether his middle name is Saddam.
Day 35: Stephane Dion, ending his campaign with a final rally at his University of Montreal, breaks down into tears. Again.
Day 1: Stephane Dion wins the endorsement of Vicky Gabereau, Canada's portly parallel to Oprah. Media is abuzz with speculation on what a celebrity endorsement of this magnitude might mean for the Dion campaign.
Day 4: Stephane Dion breaks down in tears at a campaign rally outside Truro, Nova Scotia. We admits that campaigning is a really tough job.
Day 11: Stephane Dion denies having orchestrated a push poll which includes questions such as "Would you be more or less inclined to vote for Stephen Harper if you knew he intended to banish senior citizens from the country?" and "Would you be more or less inclined to vote for Jack Layton if you knew he planned to make swinging tax deductible?"
Day 19: Stephane Dion's wife plays the race card - she admits that Liberals have small chance of winning much in Saskatchewan because "natives have voted Tory before and old habits die hard."
Day 24: Stephane Dion puts Stephen Harper on the defensive - the Prime Minister must come clean and admit, once and for all, whether his middle name is Saddam.
Day 35: Stephane Dion, ending his campaign with a final rally at his University of Montreal, breaks down into tears. Again.
Labels: Actually - the election ends with a Tory majority
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Canadians are keen observers of US politics
Today's Cross Country Checkup is about the US election. As expected as slew of "savvy" Canadians shared with the nation their insights and aspirations for the coming election.
It can all be summed up by one caller:
"I'm a centrist, myself. To me, this election is the last chance for the United States to save itself from disaster. I'm okay with Hillary or Barak - they'd both do fine. But, if any Republican wins, America will fall apart with tragic reprecussions for Canada."
Good for some giggles - Canadian "centrism" is about as real as French "nuance".
It can all be summed up by one caller:
"I'm a centrist, myself. To me, this election is the last chance for the United States to save itself from disaster. I'm okay with Hillary or Barak - they'd both do fine. But, if any Republican wins, America will fall apart with tragic reprecussions for Canada."
Good for some giggles - Canadian "centrism" is about as real as French "nuance".
Labels: Go Patriots
Saturday, February 02, 2008
A Plague of Post-Partisanship
Accidentally, I set the radio to CBC this morning and heard a little bit of their weekly political show, "The House". This week, I have been largely ignoring Canadians politics - since our media are rather infantile and provincial, so to get at the information, you must wade through Romper-Room detritus to get at the facts. Instead, like many political junkies, my attention has been on the fun down south. So, on "The House", Liberal MP Mark Holland (official critic of Ewoks) was talking about going to a Barak Obama rally and getting weak in the knees over the Illinois senator. MP Holland said something interesting:
He sees Obama-style politics as potentially coming to Canada. Particularly two things: (1) "post-partisanship" and (2) more participation by minorities. It will be interesting to watch Mark Holland, probably the most hyper-partisan, dogmatic Liberal in their caucus manifest this spirit that Obama has supposedly infused in him. If we see a new Mark Holland - post-partisan, working with the government on key issues, criticizing policies but not people, etc., etc. - than maybe there's something to Obamania. But if we see him wear "post-partisanship" like a chiffon scarf easily tossed when convenient, well, I'd say that pretty much sums up the impact of Obamania - fizzle, fuzzle, flop.
Myself, I remain a committed hyper-partisan; a propagandist incapable of seeing any good in Liberals or Liberal ideas. I do not see parallels between US and Canadian politics. In Canada, much of the country has been titled towards a single, natural governing party. 75% of our senate seats are taken up by Liberals; our journalists are married to Liberals, hired by Liberals, appointed by Liberals to plum positions; our public broadcaster, when not doing Liberal-friendly China's bidding, has regularly colluded with Liberals or independently worked to the benefit of
Liberals (Heil Harper!). We do not have two firmly entrenched parties on roughly equal footing. And to follow the US on a post-partisan course would be to dissolve our multiparty system into a one party system. So, I remain an unrelenting propagandist until the day some reasonable balance is achieved not only in Canadian political discourse, but in Canadian political institutions.
He sees Obama-style politics as potentially coming to Canada. Particularly two things: (1) "post-partisanship" and (2) more participation by minorities. It will be interesting to watch Mark Holland, probably the most hyper-partisan, dogmatic Liberal in their caucus manifest this spirit that Obama has supposedly infused in him. If we see a new Mark Holland - post-partisan, working with the government on key issues, criticizing policies but not people, etc., etc. - than maybe there's something to Obamania. But if we see him wear "post-partisanship" like a chiffon scarf easily tossed when convenient, well, I'd say that pretty much sums up the impact of Obamania - fizzle, fuzzle, flop.
Myself, I remain a committed hyper-partisan; a propagandist incapable of seeing any good in Liberals or Liberal ideas. I do not see parallels between US and Canadian politics. In Canada, much of the country has been titled towards a single, natural governing party. 75% of our senate seats are taken up by Liberals; our journalists are married to Liberals, hired by Liberals, appointed by Liberals to plum positions; our public broadcaster, when not doing Liberal-friendly China's bidding, has regularly colluded with Liberals or independently worked to the benefit of
Liberals (Heil Harper!). We do not have two firmly entrenched parties on roughly equal footing. And to follow the US on a post-partisan course would be to dissolve our multiparty system into a one party system. So, I remain an unrelenting propagandist until the day some reasonable balance is achieved not only in Canadian political discourse, but in Canadian political institutions.
Labels: What Mark Holland was doing in Vegas stays in Vegas
