ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Dear Canada,

I'm a better environmentalist than all of you. In fact, I was schocked to read what planet destroying habits the rest of you have. Thank you, University of Alberta, for pointing out the disgusting attack on our climate by your beer fridges.

Of course, I have no beer fridge. I do not drink beer and when I do, its a draft beer delivered in the most environmentally friendly manner possible from a local brewery. No - at home, I do my part to save the planet and ourselves by consuming healthy quantities of room temperature whiskey. To splurge, I occasionally add ice but I'd be fine with cutting the drink with a little water. And when I raise my tumbler and take in that warm, soul-tickling drink, I picture Mother Earth smiling at me... after a few drinks, I picture her smiling at me and asking me for a "lift home".

Sadly, the law of unintended consequences is in play. My sacrifices in the name of fighting climate change seems to be paying off this winter.

Labels: The Liberals were right - beer and popcorn are evil

I know I should be talking about the most important story in Canada today - that is, the announcement from the federal government to increase competition in the cell phone market. This, of course, is fantastic news for individual and corporate consumers who as we have learned recently, are being robbed blind under the current regulated market relative to other countries. Not that Liberals would have anything to say about a matter of policy - they are too busy taking convicted fraudsters to dinner.

However, in the spirit of the global village, how I can I not pass some comment on this story? From our cozy perspective in Canada, any sentence on something as banal as the name of a teddy bear would be unimaginable. Particularly given the name - M------d (so written as to keep me on the friendly side of Sudanese justice) - is about the most common name in the Islamic world. In fact, from the "not so keen on terrorism" perspective, one might argue that a teddy bear named M------d is alot more respectful than having the mass-murdering quarterback for 9/11, Mohammed Atta, have that name. Perhaps Sudan should contemplate extraditing his parents for the grave offense?

Notwithstanding, maybe Ms. Gibbons being deliberately provocative? If so, my sympathy drops a few hundred feet - when in Rome, its highly rude to piss on the local statue of Jupiter. In that context, a sentence of 15 days is bearable and greatly preferred to what some of the more "holy" chaps are asking for: her death. However, I doubt Ms. Gibbons went to Sudan to poke some Islamist eyes - she probably went with an ambition to make a contribution in the cause of human education. For that ambition, she'll spend the next fortnight bunking with a hungry-looking tomboy whose name is, most definitely, not Mohammed.

Labels: Scratch Sudan off my "10 places I want to visit" list

Labels: Phew - I'm barely worse than OJ

Another great day to be a Canadian. Thank you, Prime Minister.

Of course, I fully expect Stephane Dion to issue a press release blasting the Prime Minister with a logic that goes something like this:

"If he cares about Africa, the Prime Minister should have had dinner with Bono!!!!"

Labels: measurable action, No sweeping gestures - just real

The summit of Commonwealth countries offers an interesting picture of the Canadian media narrative on our Prime Minister. Up until yesterday, we were being a fed a story of an obstructionist PM, standing alone, facing "heavy political pressure" to commit to binding targets. "Heavy political pressure" was exactly how the CBC described the situation confronting our Prime Minister.

So, how did our Prime Minister fair under this heavy political pressure? "Harper stands the heat" pretty much sums up the outcome - our media, inadvertently, delivered the Prime Minister an impressive victory. The narrative tells us that our Prime Minister is immune to immense political pressures and can be counted on to act according to his own moral compass. Not only can he resist immense pressures, he demonstrates that he is a leader among leaders, having brought the entire Commonwealth to the Canadian position in a matter of a few short hours. (Similarly, on arriving in Uganda, our PM expressed what became the Commonwealth position on Pakistan. Not a coincidence.)

Of course, climate change hystericists believe that any meeting theatends without having a limb chopped off in the name of global warming is a disaster. Stephane Dion yadda, yadda, yaddaed some criticism that could have been programmed into a Tickle Me Dion doll (you know, squeeze once and the thing says, "humanity is lost! humanity is lost!", squeeze twice and the thing says, "I wuv u, Karlheinz."). But the Prime Minister has the last word here too, stating - quite correctly - that people who want binding targets on small clusters of countries do so because they couldn't give a rat's ass about actually reducing carbon emissions into the atmosphere, they just want to set up meaningless frameworks that are popular at home.

Through this combination of pragmatism, steadfastness, moral and logical clarity, Stephen Harper has made himself the most admired world leader across the planet. This weekend was further proof of why.

Labels: Globe Warming to Harper

As many of you know, my SkyPiper is now two years and a bit - a charming age of discovery and mess-making. Happily, my girl is very different from the more criminally-minded, brooding 5 year-old Rainbow; somehow, she has escaped the savage outcomes that having a stay-at-home mother produces (according to our friends the Liberals). I admit, its early days yet, and she too may follow her older sister into an obsession with guns and infamy.

This morning, SkyPiper and I were playing a bunch of games while my wife darted across the Anglo Ghetto of Quebec, looking for red pepper jelly and knitted mits at this week's glut of Church Bazaars. We played ghost and dance recital, she pretended to be a dog called "woof woof" and I pretended to be the kissing monster. Then, SkyPiper began to spin herself round and round and round until she got so dizzy she collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Once steadied, she got up and span herself around and around and around to the point of dizziness, falling to the floor with more cheery laughter.

At first, I was enjoying the show because it amazes me the little things, like dizziness, that are tremendous discoveries to a 2 year old. At some point in life, you don't make yourself dizzy anymore and when circumstances foist dizziness upon you, you don't greet it with elated giggles. So, it was very funny to watch the little girl spin herself like that.

But then I got to thinking.... you know, getting dizzy is the first mind-altering experience a human being undergoes - at least, the first willed mind-altering experience. An innocent 2 year old spins herself around for the pleasure of having her perspective and awareness scrambled - how different is that from a 20 year old dropping acid to look at purple splotches having conversations with pink neon fog?

I'm not about to declare a war on dizziness but I thought it was a curious and funny thing.

Labels: Or maybe my wife spiked the french toast this morning

Many of you may be completely unaware that students across Quebec (well, mostly in the downtown core of Montreal) have been waging a ferocious battle against plans to raise university tuition fees by $50 a semester for the next few years. Montreal gets this sort of thing every few years when our college-butted, ratty-haired students look up from their facebook websites to discover that they may actually have some financial responsibility for their edumacation. Its like the diet Coke version of a Parisian protest - looks the same at first glance, but you quickly realize its lamer, tamer and much emptier.

This particular round of protests is the saddest I have ever witnessed. Mostly because the students have broken Chuckercanuck's First Law of Student Protests:

No idiots as spokespeople.

See, yesterday's spokeswoman for the students said something about "braving the hail and sleet for the cause" and after the profession of martyrdom announced the students wouldn't stop until "the administration was receptable to their demands."

Receptable to their demands? In a single word the students have demonstrated that a) we aren't getting much for our tax money out of this education system; b) when students have no financial investment to make in their education, well, they aren't particular receptable to said education.

Labels: More plumbers - less cultural studyists

Stephen Harper is the Hulk Hogan of Canadian politics: its this sort of thing that makes a Harpermaniac proud to have him in the top spot of government. I can picture the frothing rage that will come from the usual suspects when given a chance to respond....


Jim Travers
What's so worrying for Canadians about this Prime Minister is his addiction to ideological posturing. Past Liberal Prime Ministers have been wise enough to steer clear of promoting democracy. Afterall, just because it works well in the comfy confines of the 905 'burbs, doesn't mean all humans should enjoy it.

Jack Layton
Working people might agree with the Prime Minister that this sort of action is necessary, but they want him negotiating with the Taliban - not just to hand over swaths of Afghanistan to those bearded scalliwaggs, but to hand them most of Pakistan too.

Denis Corderre
Let's not be so hard on General Musharaff. Afterall, he doesn't have an MBA like me. So, after the presidency, his career options are severely limited.

Iggy
(silent, stays low, like a panther stalking prey, waiting for his moment to pounce)

Stephane Dion
Schreiber! Schreiber! Free Karlheinz Schreiber! (rest of quote muffled when suddenly pounced on by a certain Rasputinesque deputy leader)

Labels: Because Fawn rhymes with Gone

There is method to his madness, at least occasionally. Sure, Stephane Dion's Man of La Mancha act over the Mulroney-Schreiber soap opera borders on perverse: read this hilarious exchange during QP over at Joanne's. Mr. Dion has the nub of a fine line of questioning over Taliban detainees and torture, but his political Tourette's syndrome compels him to tie in Afghan torture with Mulroney. It is painful to read the Prime Minister's devastating retort.

But for Mr. Dion, looking foolish while talking about Mr. Mulroney is a hell of a lot better than looking foolish while talking about his own policy ideas. Afterall, even the Toronto Star can't do a review of his new anti=poverty policy without acknowledging that its an uncosted pipedream. Its a clever strategy - announce something so that people get a vague impression that you are doing some thinking and then bury the announcement as quickly as possible so that people never have a chance to assess how good that thinking is.

Labels: Maybe we should allege that Germany plans to torture Schreiber

Montreal's morning man at the CBC is Mike Finnerty. While he is a dramatic improvement over the near-anorexic, proud Stalinist that he replaced, Dave Bronstetter, it seems China still likes its broadcasters to give life to awful stereotypes about lefties being, well, not so quick on the uptake.

This morning is a fine example. The hot controversy was over a Universite de Montreal professor who has banned laptops from his classroom. Mike had a segment where some reporter went out to a high school and got some kids to say stupid things about being on Facebook all the time. Then, he did a hard-hitting interview with a teacher at a private school where he asked, in a tone of suspicious bafflment, "why would students have laptops in classrooms to begin with?"

Teacher answers: "oh, there so much we can do with laptops. For example, the kids do their presentations in power point."

Mike (genuinely aghast): "Power point? I've seen a lot of awful power point presentations. Isn't that bad for their creativity?"

That question reveals so much about what goes on in this CBC apparatchik's brain.

What a terrible picture of creativity he paints -- creativity ain't the neural processes, its the tool. Cardboard and a glue stick are the key to creativity -- he sounds like a Soviet official laughing at American bourgeois ways that are killing the minds of their children while Soviet children are thriving with their potato sculptures. John Lennon once said that he was an artist - hand him a spoon and he'll make music. The tool ain't the process.

Further, powerpoint is just a digital poster board with glue on steroids. Cutting and pasting, anyone? Where'd we get that saying? Mr. Finnerty has seen a lot of awful power point presentations because he surrounds himself with alot of boring, uncreative people. That's the China Broadcasting Corporation, for you.

Personally, I think power point is a fantastic tool. I'm so pleased that children master it because its possibilities are endless.

Labels: SIng it Whitney -

Over-the-top headline for this? Well, I'm just practicing in case the Toronto Star comes a-calling. However, Jean Chretien's comments this weekend on the Mulroney inquiry were nothing short of a repudiation of the obsessive campaign Stephane Dion has waged to get this inquiry going. Let the police do their work, says PM Chretien, echoing well, you know who.

Now, we can all speculate that Mr. Chretien wants to squash an inquiry-calling-mania before it gets too close to home (or not so much his home, but a famous auberge in his neighboorhood).

However, it is still nonetheless a damning comment on Stephane Dion's awful leadership. His old boss is trying to politely remind him, "I knew Perry Mason, Stephane, and you're no Perry Mason." Afterall, the rumor around Ottawa is that Stephane Dion plans to name his next dog Schreiber.

Labels: No tag

Hey Starbucks - Go fuck yourselves.

Sure, I love your teas. Unlike pretty much every other seller of convenience tea in North America, you make a good cup.

What I don't want however are the moral instructions printed on the cup. Its a creepy blend of crass marketing and post-Christian spiritualisms. Now, I see a fine line between selling hot drinks and being a full-blown, worse-than-Scientology cult. Evidence: you have the ridiculous name for the guy at the cashier, "barrista"; you refuse to label your cups "small, medium or large"; you have Josh Gobrain music for sale. These moral instructions are the coup-de-grace.

Here's one where you tell us to pay the toll for the person behind us on the highway. Spread cheer that way. Well, Starbucks, here's a way for you to spread some cheer: give me the tea for free. Here's another one where you say go out and buy wreaths (I noticed, you call them "wreaths" not Christmas wreaths) and hang them on a stranger's door. Hey, Starbucks, I have an idea: go stuff my mailbox with vaccuum sealed ground coffee. Not gonna do it?

Exactly. You phony feel-gooders. High priests of the plastic church. You are the modern day money handlers in our temples. Manipulating our sacred symbols to wring a few extra pennies from us.

You are worse than Loblaw's - which I thought was the bottom of the barrel. Afterall, Loblaw's prints in its flyers all sorts of moral commands about fair-trade coffee and re-usable grocery bags. Advertising re-usable grocery bags in a flyer!!!! How about not printing and shipping the flikkin' flyer, Galen? And while we're at it, Galen - if fair-trade coffee is "the right thing to do" as you say - why sell anything else in your damned stores?

But at least with Loblaw's, its just straight-forward moral marketing. With Starbucks, its a sinister plot to remake the world into a cruel and crushing Starbucks empire. They are brain-washing us with their syrupy slogans and cheerful cup prints. Dear Readers: do not go gently into that coffee shop... rage!rage! rage!

Labels: Santanism and Starbucks

The National Post has launched a quest for a new national motto. Something short and catchy that sums up the nation. Their suggestions are here. In that spirit, here are some more.



Canada. Not really a country until we get federally funded daycare.

Canada. Passive-aggressive since 1867.

Canada. Not afraid to put ugly people in our movies.

Canada. Toronto is a world class city.

Canada. The only lacrosse players are American tourists.



Let's get another twenty in the threads.

Labels: And please - no latin - I obviously suck at latin

That is the name of one of this blog's most regular and valued contributors. And, like many readers, I have never known what it means. Luckily, I am on my family's annual pre-Christmas shopping binge in Burlington, Vermont and asked my latin-knowing father what the handle meant.

Splendor Sine Occasu means, in my own words, fanfare without substance - meaningless pomp & circumstance.

I was thrilled by this clever self-deprecation because it reminded my why I was a right-wing extremist. Only a fellow right-winger could advertise himself with such modesty and humor. Only a Bush-loving fanatic who is seriously outside the Canadian mainstream so that he makes his neighbors uncomfortable could headline every comment he makes with the warning that what he's about to say is totally devoid of meaning.

Were Splendor Sine Occasu a left-winger, then he would call himself Occasu Sine Splendor. He would float through life and the blogosphere convinced his every utterance was prophetic and that mankind's salvation lies in making each one law. He would hammer his every point gracelessly with the kind of pleasant delivery associated only with Puritans in the early days of Massachussetts.

Thankfully, he is not a left-winger and this is a favorite haunt of his. Now, since the Kohl's department store opens at 6 am and its already 7:19, I must wake SkyPiper and Rainbow up, feed them breakfast and join my wife in the men's clothing section. This is a delicate operation because Rainbow does not feel safe in hotel rooms so she insists on sleeping with her rifle, loaded, and keeps her finger on the trigger all night. Wish me luck.

Labels: Sic Semper Tyrannis

Reports from within the Liberal caucus reveal a once beaten & demoralized crew now walking on sunshine with the wind in their sails. Chuckercanuck tapped a senior Liberal to provide my readers with a glimpse into why the Liberals are suddenly jumping for joy.

Chuckercanuck: Thanks for taking the time, Senior Liberal.

Senior Liberal: My pleasure, Chuckercanuck. I'll just mention I'm a long-time reader of your blog.

Chuckercanuck: Yes, well, actually, the most common ISP for this blog is the House of Commons.

Senior Liberal: We all get a kick out of it. Anyway, to your questions.

Chuckercanuck: So, you folks are singing in the rain, as it were. There's a marvellous feeling. You're happy again. Is it some policy breakthrough?

Senior Liberal: Oh no, we're still bankrupt on ideas. We haven't a clue what direction we want to lead the country in.

Chuckercanuck: What about global warming? Last spring, Liberals were telling us that Canada's actions will make or break the survival of the human race.

Senior Liberal: (shrugs shoulders) Yeah... I guess were doomed! (laughs)

Chuckercanuck: So it must be developments in the shocking Conservative "In and Out" scandal?

Senior Liberal: Yikes. That one isn't going so well. Looks like the Dippers and us Grits are as guilty on this as anyone else. We're such hypocrites!

Chuckercanuck: If its not policy or the "in and out" pseudo-scandal, it must be that you've cooked up away to no longer be the opposition cuckolds. Do you plan to stop abstaining anytime soon?

Senior Liberal: Oh no! We're going to abstain with greater force and conviction than we ever have!

Chuckercanuck: So, are you telling me that Liberals are banking on a reversal of fortunes based on the Mulroney stuff alone?

Senior Liberal: That's one part. The other part, and this is breaking news, is our research staff have dug up some mighty shocking revelations about John A. MacDonald! We've got Harper now! Oh, look, sun's coming up, I've gottta go!

Labels: Breaking News - New John A MacDonald Scandal

Especially now, when the entire political world whirls around Karlheinz Schreiber and his - to steal an image from L. Ian MacDonald's column this morning - "Mandela in prison" performances, I couldn't give a rat's ass about Brian Mulroney and the Airbus crap. I can assure everyone who doesn't fly that Airbus makes fine planes - airplane mechanics tell me that their manuals and documentation are best in class which is something that gives me a great deal of comfort when I board one of those beasts on the way to Toronto.

However, at the heart of this controversy is the Liberal-Schreiber tacit allegation that Brian Mulroney took $300,000 as a cash reward for influencing Air Canada in the purchase of 34 Airbus planes. The total cost of the purchase was about $2 billion. In other words, Stephane Dion's is implying that Mulroney put himself and the office at great risk for a measly 0.015% of the contract. This, I find interesting.

Loyal and long-time readers of Chuckercanuck know this is a serious breach of Chuckercanuck's First Law of Kickbacks which can be summarized as:

What would Mobuto Sese Seko do?

By my calculations, the minimum credible sum that would provoke a Prime Minister into influencing the outcome of a $2 billion purchase would be somewhere in the neighbourhood of $10 million, or 0.5% of the contract. Anything less makes a mockery of the concept of bribery and influence peddling and would send ripples through the underground economy with incalculable consequences.

Who knows where this mess will end up - I will likely how many medals Canada will win at the London Olympics before I know the end of this saga. All I know is that something smells about this $300,000 - if you think PMs could be bought at that kind of bargain-basement price, well, let's talk land on the Arkansas coast, shall we?

Labels: Don't expect to bribe me for such paltry figures

No, its not that both he and I are leagues ahead of the other potential replacements for Stephane Dion: I've been pretty consistent in ruling out a potential run to usurp the Liberal helm from Canada's misquito man, though I am flattered by the requests.

Its that both Justin Trudeau and Chuckercanuck have been victims of pernicious attempts by Facebooks to inflate our profiles without our permission. Seems that when Justin Trudeau turned his back on the social utility, it decided to elevate him from the position of political candidate to elected MP - without the incovenience of letting the voters of Papineau consent to the coronation. When I read how Facebook had twisted Justin's profile for its own evil purposes, I quickly checked up on my Facebook profile to make sure it faithfully presented what I entered. Here are the results, you be the judge:

Chuckercanuck

Networks: Alliance of Right-Wing Global Conspiracists
[as you all know, I quit that group a long time ago at the orders of Stephen Harper. I am part of the Global Committee for Right-Wing Conspiracies)]

Sex : Male
[correct]

Education: Slippery Rock University, PhD in Robotics & Queer Studies
[I barely escaped high school]

Work: Syndicated columnist for the CanWest group, senior fellow at the Fraser and Bookings Institutes, agricultural policy adviser to President Sarkozy, star of the next three Bourne Identities.
[all lies, except the last bit. Apparently Matt Damon doesn't have the chops anymore.]

Relationship: On again, off-again with Reece Witherspoon.
[since my wife will read this, its best that I flatly deny this Facebook fallacy. But seriously, Reece and I are just Facebook friends.]

Awards/Citations: Nobel Peace Prize.
[bullshit! even though pretty much everybody wins those nowadays.]

Labels: Poor Justin

Lots of nasty things can be hurled at Stephen Harper with a chance of sticking - he's nasty, cold, controlling, bullying, enjoys snack foods too much. What I think would not have a chance of sticking is that he is corrupt. I am happy the Liberals have decided to pin their hopes on that smear and envourage them to keep hammering away at that particular line of attack., with the caveat that it if we are to clear the air, we must clear it completely.

In the spirit of the maple glasnost, I have decided to betray my leader and divulge five other secrets Mr. Harper has been covering up for too long now.

5. Jimmy Hoffa's grave. While I won't tell you exactly where he is buried, let's just say it rhymes with Palgary Faddledome.

4. Area 51. It was indeed a military coverup of an alien crash landing. There was an extra-terrestial survivor. What was Stephen Harper's role in the affair? Look carefully at his eyes... does he really look human to you?

3. Sasquatch. Ever seen Myron Thompson after 5 days without shaving? Stephen Harper is aiming to make sure you never do.

2. While it never made it to air, the shocking truth is this: Stephen Harper shot J.R.

1. The mystery of Loch Ness. The reason no one has seen the Loch Ness monster in some time is that Stephen Harper and I caught it on a fishing trip to Scotland a few years ago. While I practice catch and release, especially on the last surviving specimen of a rate, ancient species, Mr. Harper had a beer batter whipped up before I could unhook the poor thing. We ate "fish" and chips for weeks.

Labels: Funny - Dion even looks like Angela Lansbury

Let this little corner of the blogosphere pay thanks and remember men and women who have fallen in battle in Afghanistan since 2001. You were all pretty much younger than me and that alone has me scratching my head. In my priveleged little world I fret about things like flying over Lake Superior on a cloudy day - flying over the Pacific? Never. And yet that is a trivial, laughable fear compared to the daily threat we put you up against.

Braver, stronger, better than me. That's what you have been and that's what your fellow soldiers, still there, still struggling against an irregular evil are to this day.

I am one of those stupid suckers; a naive fool without the beret or Sartre volumes tucked under my arm: 9/11 wasn't obvious to me. 9/11 wasn't the logical culmination of a series of western - American - wrongs. 9/11 wasn't justifiable and had no root causes that could make me shrug my shoulders and admit there was a point. No. It was undiluted insanity; horrific profanity. Its originators are guilty of the most brutal perversions.

It remains the singular vision of evil in my pampered life. I am incapable of imagining worse - and if I never do see worse, it will be only because of your efforts and sacrifice.

Labels: November 11

This is not the way I would want things to happen. However, I can understand why it did have to happen. Afterall, the slimy Karlheinz Schreiber had implicated, however tangentially, the Harper government. Stephen Harper, who won't even collect an MPs pension, is so beyond approach that he is allergic to even the suspicion that he is in any way corrupt. The Liberals and the media have hammered this issue to hell like steel drummers trying to wrest a few coins from cruise-ship tourists making a 6 hour pit-stop on some unknown island.

So, by the the principle of simmering down, the independent review is likely a necessary step.

Politically, its a more than necessary since it leaves the Liberals scrambling to find someting to talk about this week after having invested so much in a government many years past. We know that Mr. Dion is a master of situational ethics - he was happy to have Bob Rae smeared at the leadership convention for marrying a Jew; he was happy to have his MPs celebrate the life of a Tamil terrorist; he would be happy to assign Stephen Harper the blame for the actions of a government that caused Stephen Harper to join the nascent Reform Party.

The long-term ramifications are not clear, however. As a punk not old enough to have ever voted for or against Brian Mulroney, I can only look at his legacy and wonder why a nation's media and opposition would bother. Anyone with any economic sense should be grateful to the man and leave it at that. Now, with an investigation launched into the Mulroney files - again - how can the opposition, government and media not demand for an investigation of Jean Chretien? While I would rather leave Jean Chretien's legacy to history (a largely positive legacy minus the horrible Iraq mistake), how can we not seek clarity on those nagging issues of how he used the office of Prime Minister to influence decisions at, for starters, the Business Development Bank of Canada?

If we are trying to clear the air, we should try to clear it completely. We must, sadly, investigate how Jean Chretien used his office. And the outcome may not be a happy one for his boosters (e.g., Kinsella, Wells) nor Stephane Dion - because unlike Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion did not reject Mulroney's party in search of something purer and truer to the grassroots. No, unlike Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion asked, "how can I get me some?"

Labels: The title to be sung to the Leonard Cohen tune about Manhattan and Berlin

Stephane Dion announced today some sort of anti-poverty gimmick about how his Liberals will set poverty reduction targets. The nation's poor shuddered... afterall, the last set of reduction targets Stephane Dion was charged with setting didn't exactly bear fruit. Okay, granted that was on a much less important issue - the civilization ending greenhouse gas dilemma. When it comes to poverty, Liberals have been champions. At least, if you ignore every other time they've made this promise, like in all the previous Red Books dating back to 1993.

But its perplexing to have a poverty-fighting Liberal party attack the reduction in the GST - in fact, go so far as to consider raising the GST if elected in the future - when the GST is the tax that costs the nation's poor the most. Okay, I lie, its not perplexing at all, its just the Liberal party.

Labels: Maybe we could buy international poverty credits

This is perhaps the most stomach-turning, disgraceful story about the CBC in its history: China's ambassador is the de facto editor-in-chief of the CBC. I have collected the transcript of the closing summary of the documentary on the Falun Gong that the CBC decided to bury, for your interest. Note, this version is the one re-shot at the request of Catherine Olsen, executive director of CBC documentaries.

Rumours of organ harvesting of Falun Gong prisoners in China are greatly exagerrated. To quote one honest-broker in the Chinese government, "sure, we remove their organs but we would never sell them because they are the organs of perverted parasites and should be burned immediately, which we do." The CBC agrees whole-heartedly that Falun Gong organs are worthless as any sane person would choose death over having their bodies profaned with a kidney or lung from those rabid luncatics. Besides, the idea of making profit on the lawful corporeal punishment of these human rats would only occur to one of those Bush-inspired Halibutonites.

Thankfully, China does not suffer from those capitalistic excesses. But what it does suffer from is a menace few nations have ever had to deal with: the Falun Gong are, at heart, loathers of humanity who would think nothing of unleashing a species-killing plague on us. The question isn't whether China is cracking down too harshly on the Falun Gong threat, rather its why do other nations, including Canada, not do the same? Afterall, Canada has a small but vile number of Falun Gongites spread across the country. Does it make sense to leave this threat to gather until death is at our doorstep when the munificent Chinese government is glad to have these creatures shipped back to China for permanent containment? It seems to the CBC that while the Harper government enjoys showy photo-ops with another dictator in disguise, the Dalai Lama, it is whistling the entire nation past the graveyard.

Labels: No taxation without Representation - join the revolution against the CBC

Ever since the Liberals banned corporate donations to political parties, they've been starving for cash. Yes, the purported people's party enjoyed its fat cat days only because big companies dropped huge sums into their accounts. Why, this year the Liberals have managed a measly $2.6 million compared to the $12 million the Tories raked in from the enthusiastic contributions of thousands of Canadians. Still, the Liberals claim money is no obstacle to an election: they are ready. And before you laugh it off, they have already presented some crafty ideas on how to run a campaign with no money in the till.

1. Have surrogates

When a regional substitute is available to fill in for you, don't waste your time there. In this case, the Liberals can happily leave the heavy lifting in Quebec to the Bloc Quebecois. Afterall, each wants the same thing: a return to the good old days when forests were levelled to keep Stephane Dion and Bernard Landry's correspondence going.

2. Skip ads, get noticed for FREE

TV ads are expensive, especially during programming that Canadians actually watch. Instead, look to get free exposure using a variety of attention getting tactics. For example, super-trooper Garth Turner has gamely volunteered to go streaking down the streets of Windsor, London, Toronto, Kingston and Ottawa all for the cause. If that doesn't make the local 6 o'clock news, what does?

Another great idea comes from Liberal MPs Jim Karygiannis and Denis Corderre. Each is asking its contacts in the Tamil Tigers and Hizbullah respectively to put together a rally that Liberal MPs and candidates can attend.

3. Keep Travel Expenses Down

The leader plans to criss-cross Canada in the style of his cinematic alter-ego, Forrest Gump: he gonna run, trot and walk. This avoids the huge expense of a campaign jet and should set people's imaginations aflame as he passes through their towns. For layovers, Mr. Dion has begun to build a network of volunteers willing to board him and his campaign team in each city. At this point, he hasn't secured any volunteers outside the greater Toronto area but election planners are confident that come day one of the campaign, it will all be in place.

4. Keep Campaign Material Expenses Down

This is a no two-part no brainer.

One, since every previous Liberal red book has been a laughable sham, this time around: no Liberal red book. In fact, no Liberal platform. None. Instead, the campaign will focus on the four pillars of social justice, environmental stewardship, a strong economy and attacking Brian Mulroney.

Two, since the leader is immensely unpopular, forgo the traditional campaign posters that include him in the photograph. This will lop off a good 17 square inches of poster-board per poster and hopefully, fool Canadians into forgetting who would be at the helm of government if they voted for the smiling face on that poster.

Labels: Good luck on the trail friends

'I'm moving to Toronto, the city where all things are possible in education. Up there, the Board of Education is agitating to segregate schooling by race by creating a "black-focused" school. The theory is that if everybody in the school is black, the students will have positive role models and better chances at succeeding. (Slave-owners must be rolling in their graves and kicking themselves in Hell wishing they had come up with that sweet defense.) To his credit, Dalton McGinty thinks its a not-so-hot idea.

This is too bad because it occurred to me that there is another segment of Canada that suffers a similar alienation from the education system: conservatives. Red meat, do-your-duty, cut taxes, stop pretending government is part of every solution, type conservatives never get to see themselves in the education system. Not in elementary school, high school, college or university. Up to that point, conservatives know they've "always been different" but could never put their finger on how.

Imagine if we should herd these children from kindergarten all the way to post-doctoral studies in a conservative-friendly environment. We could offer them positive reinforcement and validation of their ideas. We could have teachers that express admiration for Ronald Reagan and discuss Ayn Rand without putting on a face that looks like she's just been stabbed in the chest mid-electrocution.

We could make these children feel that there is a place for them in Canada. That in this country, they could be anything - from an enterprising tradesperson to a personality on the CBC. Okay, maybe the CBC is a pipedream not worth peddling, but we could at least make them feel they were something more than ideological perverts long strayed from approved Canadian doctrine.

Labels: And no field trips to Cuba

Since our friends on late night TV have been forced into re-runs until the writer strike ends, Chuckcercanuck is pleased to satiate your craving for top ten lists.



10. Harper worships Satan - blood sacrifices at 24 Sussex



9. Shawinigate is yesterday's news



8. Mulroney is the most pressing issue in Canada



7. Iggy's been there like three days and hasn't citizens-arrested anyone for war crimes! Wimp!



6. God-damned Norway! Why can't it be more like Sweden?



5. Abolish the senate? Where the hell do I go when my CBC gig is up?



4. Why do these annoying Dippers and Tories want to talk policy?



3. Hey, have you noticed Garth Turner is blasting us now?



2. Can't find a fun Hamas rally? Head over here.



1. Time & Date for secret Dump Dion meeting

Labels: Give the writers another 4 cents per DVD

Whenever one prowls the internet for a juicy story and comes up empty, one should then stop over at Garth Turner's weblog. There are few bloggers as prodigious as Mr. Turner which sort of boggles the mind since, as an MP, one would think he hasn't the time for all this stuff. But thankfully, he does.

Few Liberal MPs have the influence within their caucus as Garth Turner - recognized as one of the most plugged-in Liberals around. If you want a glimpse of the Liberal zeitgest, Mr. Turner is the guy you need. So, let's look a some gems from the Turner weblog, shall we?

Friday, November 2nd.

The noble imagery of backroom politics:

"People in the Office of the Leader of the Opposition, just like in the PMO, have no life. Personal stimulation is when a Blackberry vibrates. Climax comes during QP."

"The commercial was then released to journalists (CTV first, of course), launched on YouTube, given to the sycophantic Blogging Tories and loaded on the party’s comical web site. But that was just foreplay. "

Sycophantic? Before I can get insulted, Garth is back to making carnal allusions. Does someone have an obsession?

"“We will consider… if in our plan we need to revisit the decision of the government about the GST, we’ll consider it.”• [on the possibility of a GST rate hike] Second, of course, it ain’t gonna happen. You know it. I know it. Stephane knows it. Steve knows it. It was musing by a man far too open, honest, forthright and transparent some days for his own good."

Well, wait a second, Garth - if Stephane knows a GST hike ain't going to happen, then he was not being honest, open or forthright in musing about it. He was being dishonest, false and agenda-hiding. So, to follow your logic, Garth: Mr. Dion is not only political clueless but willingly dishonest as he alienates voters!

"Prickish Peter van Loan took the question"

Yes, if only those Conservatives would stop making the political atmosphere so hostile. They really could learn a lesson from Liberals on dignified politics.

Labels: With Cherniak bowing out - Garth is the only gong show going

I have no idea how to make goulash, but tonight I was treated to this dish at the hands of an expert who prepared it the way his Czech grandmother taught him. It is a celebration of paprika oozing over perfectly tender, simmered beef.

His wife is 8 months pregnant; my wife is 3 months pregnant --- each with child number three. That's right: we are the cause of Quebec's current baby boom [sidenote, Quebec and Alberta are enjoying a baby boom while the rest of the nation depopulates]. I mention the pregnacies only because as he and I sopped up the paprika laced juices with rye bread, we finished two lovely bottles of sturdy red (my contribution, Mother Zin, a lovely Italian wine of the pop culture variety). Top it off with the fact that Bushmills now flows freely in Quebec, our wives were mighty pissed that they could not join us in the Saturday night ribaldry.

My friend, the goulash maker, is a Liberal of the Gritus Inheritus variety. He lives his life like a conservative but has never recognized the Conservative party in him. By all measures, this week should ahve confirmed his aversion to the royal blue --- afterall, whispers of the death penalty and the ridiculous Mulroney saga should confirm his Grit credentials.

They have not. If our media is honest, this week was historical as it cemented the position of Stephen Harper as the leader Canadians want. Tax cuts, on all fronts, had my buddy swooning - so much so that I buried my Harpermania in modesty. The threat of returning the GST to 7% was anathema to this gentleman and the other issues, Mulroney and the extradition of murderes, ridiculous distractions from what matters.

Tonight, with the bloom of fine whiskey rosying my cheeks, I tell my fellow conservatives this: it would take a hurricane many times the size of Noel to pull Canadians away from the obvious -- the only reason a minority parliament suits Canadians is opposition weakness. Without this weakness, the positives of a minority parliament disappear. The opposition, therefore, are damned if they do, damned if they don't. In the case of Liberals, one day, they will ask themselves if demonizing such a fantastic leader was a smart move. It is only in embracing the essence of Stephen Harper that they will get their groove back.

Labels: Booze never lies

I couldn't give two craps about Brian Mulroney and the $300,000 in cash. I'd bet that most of us feel the same way. Launching a second inquiry into this business is a tedious waste of my time - if criminal activity occurred, let the police investigate and not the legislative or executive branch of government.

The justification for the second inquiry is only marginally more substantial than the justification for the first, which as we all remember, didn't turn out as slam-dunky as some hoped. When the CBC fawns over Karlheinz Schrieber like he was a Bavarian David Milgaard - they seem to be willingly blind to the fact the Mr. Schrieber makes OJ Simpson sound like a straight-shooter. And the willing blindness is an ugly thing.

The Prime Minister is exactly right - if we go down the road of launching these types of inquiries, we will have to launch them for every bit of stinkiness wafting from the legacies of past Prime Ministers, including Jean Chretien and Paul Martin. It seems completely untenable for ANYONE to suggest otherwise.

But when it comes to golf courses and auberges in Shawinigan - I couldn't give two craps about that either. As with Brian Mulroney, investigating Jean Chretien on the chance that we can smear is a waste of time. Leave it to history or the police.

Labels: Boooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggggggg

A math problem that got sent home to neighbour's kid (answer below, but no peeking):

Stephane Dion argues that Canadians don't want an election because this would make it 3 elections in 3 years. What is the earliest an election should be called in order to make the election spread acceptable?

a) March, 2008 - making it 3 elections in 4 years
b) March, 2009 - making it 3 elections in 5 years
c) March, 2010 - making it 3 elections in 6 years










Correct Answer:
The only acceptable date for an election would be March, 2010 giving us only 3 elections in 6 years - an acceptable spread for minority parliament. Therefore, when the PM asks the GG to dissolve the parliament in 2009 according to the fixed election law, Stephane Dion should object - on the Canadians don't want basis - and demand the GG ask the Prime Minister to try and form another government until 2010.

Labels: Seems to me school is a lot tougher these days