Friday, June 29, 2007
Martyr Mouse
Like any good Canadian chauvinist, I always thought Mr. Dressup was the best children's show ever made: educational and innovative. I stand corrected. I'd bet the programmers for Kids CBC are kicking themselves at having been beaten to the punch.
For example. On the Secret World of Og, CBC writers could have the Berton siblings falsely convicted of murder by a Conservative-appointed judge, sentenced to life because of new Conservative tough-on-kiddy-crime laws, then beaten and undernourished thanks to Conservative punishment-only prison policies. When the kids are finally released, four decades later, they can't get work because Conservative economic policies let foreign companies rape our economy and move all the jobs out of the country.
Another example. Yam Roll. Here, CBC writers could have Yam Roll die a slow and painful death while simultaneously going insane due to mercury poison - the inevitable consequence for fish products such as Yam Roll due to the Conservative environmental policies. But then again, Yam Roll doesn't care about his slow, painful death or his insanity since his homeland, the Happy Kingdom, has seen the violent, haphazard aggression of the Canadian military that, thanks to Conservatives, no longer plays its traditional role of peacekeeping. So, to his last breath, Yam Roll wages a war of resistance against the Canadian occupiers.
For example. On the Secret World of Og, CBC writers could have the Berton siblings falsely convicted of murder by a Conservative-appointed judge, sentenced to life because of new Conservative tough-on-kiddy-crime laws, then beaten and undernourished thanks to Conservative punishment-only prison policies. When the kids are finally released, four decades later, they can't get work because Conservative economic policies let foreign companies rape our economy and move all the jobs out of the country.
Another example. Yam Roll. Here, CBC writers could have Yam Roll die a slow and painful death while simultaneously going insane due to mercury poison - the inevitable consequence for fish products such as Yam Roll due to the Conservative environmental policies. But then again, Yam Roll doesn't care about his slow, painful death or his insanity since his homeland, the Happy Kingdom, has seen the violent, haphazard aggression of the Canadian military that, thanks to Conservatives, no longer plays its traditional role of peacekeeping. So, to his last breath, Yam Roll wages a war of resistance against the Canadian occupiers.
Labels: Proof again that reality is more bizarre than fantasy
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Nascar Nation
Sitting in a Mexican cantina on the fringe of Amarillo, Texas, my lunch companion - a lanky tall Texan with the thickest drawl - waxed enthusiastically about going to see his local hockey team, the Amarillo Gorillas. "Now, hockey, that's a sport. NASCAR is not a sport. The worst day of my life was the day I went to a NASCAR race - I swear I sobered up twice before the race was done."
This pretty much captures my own feelings about NASCAR - not even Will Farrell driving a championship season interests me - no talk of pit stop strategy or praise for roaring engines changes that.
But coming home from vacation to see the Conservative logo plastered over one of those beasts has my mind spinning deliriously at 4,500 RPMs. Conventional thinking says this move panders to the Tory base - conventional thinking likes to paint the Tory base as moronic, inbred hicks who spell Jesus with three e's and a z. Conventional thinking, as per usual, has missed the mark worse than a hot-air balloon in a hurricane.
The NASCAR sponsorship works like negative ad campaigns: it doesn't so much sell the Tory brand but drives people away from the opposition. The opposition - and here I mean the Liberals - react with predictable derision and guffaws. They attack the sponsorship from every angle possible: the hee-haw factor, the environmental terrorism, the crassness. In so doing, they repulse a chunk of their base away from them. That dangling chunk of people who flop and flip between the two big parties looks at the Liberal reaction and says, "what a gaggle of effete elitists who snort espresso and quip instead of joke." They look at the Liberal leadership and do not see themselves. The NASCAR sponsorship drives a wedge between the Liberal party and that species of Liberal voter we've called Gritus Inheritus - Liberals by birth but not by nature.
Of course, its not all driving wedges and alienating Liberals, it does some positive too. I hope, since the Tory party's bank account would make Trump drool, more sponsorship of this kind continues. Just imagine:
Micheal Flatley's Conservative Party Lord of the Dance tour; or,
The Conservative Party's Stars on Ice; or,
The Young & The Restless, brought to you by Dove soap and the Conservative Party of Canada.
Anyway, I shouldn't gloat or the Liberal party will release another YouTube video comparing themselves to crappy, second-rate computers.
This pretty much captures my own feelings about NASCAR - not even Will Farrell driving a championship season interests me - no talk of pit stop strategy or praise for roaring engines changes that.
But coming home from vacation to see the Conservative logo plastered over one of those beasts has my mind spinning deliriously at 4,500 RPMs. Conventional thinking says this move panders to the Tory base - conventional thinking likes to paint the Tory base as moronic, inbred hicks who spell Jesus with three e's and a z. Conventional thinking, as per usual, has missed the mark worse than a hot-air balloon in a hurricane.
The NASCAR sponsorship works like negative ad campaigns: it doesn't so much sell the Tory brand but drives people away from the opposition. The opposition - and here I mean the Liberals - react with predictable derision and guffaws. They attack the sponsorship from every angle possible: the hee-haw factor, the environmental terrorism, the crassness. In so doing, they repulse a chunk of their base away from them. That dangling chunk of people who flop and flip between the two big parties looks at the Liberal reaction and says, "what a gaggle of effete elitists who snort espresso and quip instead of joke." They look at the Liberal leadership and do not see themselves. The NASCAR sponsorship drives a wedge between the Liberal party and that species of Liberal voter we've called Gritus Inheritus - Liberals by birth but not by nature.
Of course, its not all driving wedges and alienating Liberals, it does some positive too. I hope, since the Tory party's bank account would make Trump drool, more sponsorship of this kind continues. Just imagine:
Micheal Flatley's Conservative Party Lord of the Dance tour; or,
The Conservative Party's Stars on Ice; or,
The Young & The Restless, brought to you by Dove soap and the Conservative Party of Canada.
Anyway, I shouldn't gloat or the Liberal party will release another YouTube video comparing themselves to crappy, second-rate computers.
Labels: Old News? Sue me - I was on vacation
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Thunder from the Bay
Chuckercanuck takes 30 seconds from his hideaway vacation to cheer the news that Joe Comuzzi will be joining the forces of good and quitting the Garth Turner Party of Canada.
I'm guessing Liberal blogolia is awash in brilliant analysis concluding that not only is this good news for Stephane Dion, but that Joe Comuzzi was a bad, bad Liberal all along.
I'm guessing Liberal blogolia is awash in brilliant analysis concluding that not only is this good news for Stephane Dion, but that Joe Comuzzi was a bad, bad Liberal all along.
Labels: Tide's back out and so am I
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Global Warming in Canada's Interest
One day, the Chuckercanuck family was entertaining a hippie who drove down from Ottawa in his beat-up, smog-spewing, decades-old jallopy. This hippie is a gentle soul working full time for a certain union whose ideology is fanatically left-wing: pro-communism, anti-merit, anti-globalization, pro-"diversity", etc.,etc.. When the hippie visits, he quickly bogs down the conversation with a heavy spicing of his righteous beliefs. It always discomforts him, a little, that his solutio-matic policy professions are not met instantly with approval.
So on this day, he was talking about global warming. For fun, I brought up the point that Canada would be a net benefactor because of global warming. He went silent and looked at me as if I had just suggested raping and pillaging the next street over. My arguments were almost exactly the same as the nerds at Yale have made: agriculture, tourism and reduced heating bills. After shooting me mental accusations of being climate change's Idi Amin, his lame, liberal-arts reply was that we'd see some wicked storms.
Anyway, at least now we understand why the Liberals did nothing about climate change when they had the chance: they had Canada's interests at heart.
Blog Note:
Jamieson has never tasted sweeter. Our offices have relocated from the student infested McGill Ghetto to the tourist swamped Old Montreal. As of tomorrow, Chuckercanuck escapes to a quiet corner of New England for a week's vacation. Internet will be a thing hard come by - so expect no new posts until I return. So I hope you will come back when I do and I leave you with a quote from Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Senators, Tear Down This Budget!"
So on this day, he was talking about global warming. For fun, I brought up the point that Canada would be a net benefactor because of global warming. He went silent and looked at me as if I had just suggested raping and pillaging the next street over. My arguments were almost exactly the same as the nerds at Yale have made: agriculture, tourism and reduced heating bills. After shooting me mental accusations of being climate change's Idi Amin, his lame, liberal-arts reply was that we'd see some wicked storms.
Anyway, at least now we understand why the Liberals did nothing about climate change when they had the chance: they had Canada's interests at heart.
Blog Note:
Jamieson has never tasted sweeter. Our offices have relocated from the student infested McGill Ghetto to the tourist swamped Old Montreal. As of tomorrow, Chuckercanuck escapes to a quiet corner of New England for a week's vacation. Internet will be a thing hard come by - so expect no new posts until I return. So I hope you will come back when I do and I leave you with a quote from Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Senators, Tear Down This Budget!"
Labels: The Stern Report included reduced downhill skiing as a cost of global warming - Retarded.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Monkeys Going Ape-Shit
1,000 monkeys at a 1,000 typewriters will eventually eke out a masterpiece. Judging by today's efforts, the same does not hold for Liberal bloggers. Stephen Taylor has sent them into convulsive fits with a reaction to portraits of the Harpers and the Dions in this month's Chatelaine.
His thesis: the Harpers are a normal, sympathetic family and the Dions are 2 parts bore to 1 part creepy. I think 30 Helens would agree to that obvious contrast, but Liberal bloggers seem shell-shocked by the revelation. Cerberus has done a fine job cataloguing the outrage. It ranges from tepid witticisms about how very ordinary Stephen Harper is to the usual teary blah about how this proves that a conservative majority would make stoning gays mandatory across the land.
Why the overblown, almost cartoonish, response?
Because Liberals - very much these bloggers - are not ordinary people and their leader reminds them of them. They hop into Landrovers to catch an Al Gore movie, eating Chilean Sea Bass sandwhichs on the way; bitterly complaining about how the rest of us don't get it; promising to make things better for us despite us; six of them can pretty much solve world poverty and conflict over dinner - its just that simple; they never shut up about gays and women, casually ignoring that the last two women on a Liberal ballot came in last or that Scott Brison did better running for a conservative top spot than a Liberal one. They are as substantial and normal as the models in a Luxotica eyewear commercial (you know, where the guy in the square rimmed glasses whispers, "I am both a student and a teacher.")
Afterall, 2 parts bore, 1 part creepy is the base recipe for Liberal making. Add some bitters and you have Scott Reid. Ken Dryden is that in a souffle. A dash of lemon, Mark Holland. Wrapped in bacon, Denis Corderre. Doused in whiskey, John McCallum. The no-fun, low calories version is Ralph Goodale. Served in gold foil, Belinda Stronach. You get the picture.
His thesis: the Harpers are a normal, sympathetic family and the Dions are 2 parts bore to 1 part creepy. I think 30 Helens would agree to that obvious contrast, but Liberal bloggers seem shell-shocked by the revelation. Cerberus has done a fine job cataloguing the outrage. It ranges from tepid witticisms about how very ordinary Stephen Harper is to the usual teary blah about how this proves that a conservative majority would make stoning gays mandatory across the land.
Why the overblown, almost cartoonish, response?
Because Liberals - very much these bloggers - are not ordinary people and their leader reminds them of them. They hop into Landrovers to catch an Al Gore movie, eating Chilean Sea Bass sandwhichs on the way; bitterly complaining about how the rest of us don't get it; promising to make things better for us despite us; six of them can pretty much solve world poverty and conflict over dinner - its just that simple; they never shut up about gays and women, casually ignoring that the last two women on a Liberal ballot came in last or that Scott Brison did better running for a conservative top spot than a Liberal one. They are as substantial and normal as the models in a Luxotica eyewear commercial (you know, where the guy in the square rimmed glasses whispers, "I am both a student and a teacher.")
Afterall, 2 parts bore, 1 part creepy is the base recipe for Liberal making. Add some bitters and you have Scott Reid. Ken Dryden is that in a souffle. A dash of lemon, Mark Holland. Wrapped in bacon, Denis Corderre. Doused in whiskey, John McCallum. The no-fun, low calories version is Ralph Goodale. Served in gold foil, Belinda Stronach. You get the picture.
Labels: Plus - we're stuck thinking about Stephane Dion's underwear for the rest of summer
Wise Words from Canada's Finest Prime Minister
It happens often enough that the comments threads to this blog descend into a muck-raking session over Canada's muck-rakers. While I enjoy this as much as the next red-meat-eating conservative, I wanted to temper the tempers with some wise words from Canada's greatest Prime Minister.
During the "Glad as Hell" tour in the summer of 2005, Stephen Harper travelled to the anglo ghetto of Montreal - the media did not mention the event, focusing on what they described as "poorly attended photo-ops". It was an interesting itinerary omission, since, when I got there, there were already more people than the seats in the room than it would accommodate. By the time the PM started speaking, attendence was twice the expectation.
The Prime Minister made a point that resonated with me. He said that the Stronach Liberals (who morphed into the Red-Green Liberals) avoided an election at all costs because they knew they would lose an election. But here's the kicker: he warned us not to be fooled by media reporting. Then, he pointed to the example of the towering John Howard, PM of Australia. Before every election, the Australian MSM predicted his defeat - along with those predictions, they prayed for it and sacrificed goats and virgins to make sure it happened. It never happened.
Journalists - press gallery or otherwise - are only slightly less disconnected from the citizenry as celebrities. We have seen over the past year (Quebec election anyone?) that they make weathermen look like Nostradamus on steroids. They aren't worth the heart attacks. In fact, I am so bored with our national media that, effective today, I am cancelling my newspaper subscriptions. Sorry National Post, but I'm not a Toronto yuppie. Sorry Gazette, I am not an Anglo guppy. Bring me something provocative and well-written, maybe I'll buy in again. Until that time, its cyberspace for me.
During the "Glad as Hell" tour in the summer of 2005, Stephen Harper travelled to the anglo ghetto of Montreal - the media did not mention the event, focusing on what they described as "poorly attended photo-ops". It was an interesting itinerary omission, since, when I got there, there were already more people than the seats in the room than it would accommodate. By the time the PM started speaking, attendence was twice the expectation.
The Prime Minister made a point that resonated with me. He said that the Stronach Liberals (who morphed into the Red-Green Liberals) avoided an election at all costs because they knew they would lose an election. But here's the kicker: he warned us not to be fooled by media reporting. Then, he pointed to the example of the towering John Howard, PM of Australia. Before every election, the Australian MSM predicted his defeat - along with those predictions, they prayed for it and sacrificed goats and virgins to make sure it happened. It never happened.
Journalists - press gallery or otherwise - are only slightly less disconnected from the citizenry as celebrities. We have seen over the past year (Quebec election anyone?) that they make weathermen look like Nostradamus on steroids. They aren't worth the heart attacks. In fact, I am so bored with our national media that, effective today, I am cancelling my newspaper subscriptions. Sorry National Post, but I'm not a Toronto yuppie. Sorry Gazette, I am not an Anglo guppy. Bring me something provocative and well-written, maybe I'll buy in again. Until that time, its cyberspace for me.
Labels: Harpermania or Death
Monday, June 11, 2007
Its a long way to South Central L.A.
To my peeps and homies:
Yo, yo, you look like a dread-locked bad-ass with the bling bling and b-ball jersey hanging over the ultra-loose jean shorts. The menace on your face says, "stay clear or get yourself cut up like a fish on a trolling ship."
But here's the problem, dude, you're in St-Johnsbury, Vermont - not exactly a hot bed of gansta schtick. My advice: slap on the Crox, LL Bean summerwear and give it up!
Yo, yo, you look like a dread-locked bad-ass with the bling bling and b-ball jersey hanging over the ultra-loose jean shorts. The menace on your face says, "stay clear or get yourself cut up like a fish on a trolling ship."
But here's the problem, dude, you're in St-Johnsbury, Vermont - not exactly a hot bed of gansta schtick. My advice: slap on the Crox, LL Bean summerwear and give it up!
Labels: Northern New England Lights see some Queer Sights
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Bono-Free Post
When they make a movie about the rise and fall of the Liberal empire, I hope they cast Steve Buscemi as MP Pablo Rodriguez.
In yesterday's Gazette, the editorial section devotes a full page lament for the catastrophic state of the Liberal parties in Quebec - provincial and federal. Their conclusions? It sucks to be either but for very different reasons. All true. Being the Gazette - which is as close to a Liberal-insider broadsheet as anyone will find anywhere, it feebly attemtps to finish off on a high note. Sadly that note sounded more false than falsetto coming from Pablo Rodriguez.
He argues that the only reason Stephane Dion is abysmally unpopular in Quebec - less than a third as a popular as the PM and being out-polled by Jack Layton - is that no one knows him in Quebec. A summer on the BBQ circuit will introduce Stephane Dion to Quebec and change all that.
So, the guy was cabinet minister for a decade - mostly handling the hottest file in Quebec - but he is unknown here? Mr. Rodriguez, let me assure you: we know Stephane Dion and Stephane Dion is no Jack Kennedy. Got it? If anything, what you should ask yourself is: why is it he is most popular where he is least known?
In yesterday's Gazette, the editorial section devotes a full page lament for the catastrophic state of the Liberal parties in Quebec - provincial and federal. Their conclusions? It sucks to be either but for very different reasons. All true. Being the Gazette - which is as close to a Liberal-insider broadsheet as anyone will find anywhere, it feebly attemtps to finish off on a high note. Sadly that note sounded more false than falsetto coming from Pablo Rodriguez.
He argues that the only reason Stephane Dion is abysmally unpopular in Quebec - less than a third as a popular as the PM and being out-polled by Jack Layton - is that no one knows him in Quebec. A summer on the BBQ circuit will introduce Stephane Dion to Quebec and change all that.
So, the guy was cabinet minister for a decade - mostly handling the hottest file in Quebec - but he is unknown here? Mr. Rodriguez, let me assure you: we know Stephane Dion and Stephane Dion is no Jack Kennedy. Got it? If anything, what you should ask yourself is: why is it he is most popular where he is least known?
Labels: Two more weeks of insane workload
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Notes on a home-made wine
Pinot Grigio.
Bouquet of hawthorne blooms with hints of acetate.
Off-lemon and hydrogenated vegetable fatty in the mouth, with subtle notes of compost and vanilla.
Burning finish with scraping aftertaste.
$3.07 per bottle.
Easy drinking wine to be gulped in large, quick mouthfuls. Five stars.
Bouquet of hawthorne blooms with hints of acetate.
Off-lemon and hydrogenated vegetable fatty in the mouth, with subtle notes of compost and vanilla.
Burning finish with scraping aftertaste.
$3.07 per bottle.
Easy drinking wine to be gulped in large, quick mouthfuls. Five stars.
Labels: Did I mention that the PM was the star of the G8?
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Welcome Carbon Tax!
Dear Carbon Tax,
Welcome to Quebec. I am sure you'll feel at home here where we have more taxes than txpayers. If you find the taxpayers a little grumbly when you meet them, pay no heed. Its not your fault, friendly nex tax, it was how you were introduced.
See, your obnoxious hosts, the Quebec Liberal party did mighty upsetting thing while rolling out the red carpet for you.
First, the big news had been this income tax cut that the Liberals finally put into a budget. Taxpayers like tax cuts, you see - I know, I know, its hard for a tax like you to understand, but suspend disbelief for a minute - taxpayers like tax cuts. So when we find out the tax cuts don't come into effect for another 15 years or so (okay, not that bad, but well after Christmas) and that you were moving in immediately - its enough to piss everyone off. Sure, there's a tax cut on the way, but in the short term everybody's taxes are going up. Good for you, bad for us.
Second, your hosts claimed that the tax will be levied at oil refiners and the good folks at the refineries won't pass those additional costs to consumers. I know a good tax like you understands what a load of rubbish that is but being new to Quebec, here's some context that will show you how ludicrous and shaming this statement is:
The Quebec Liberals are the party of the Quebec business establishment. If these guys represent the political voice of Quebec's business brains --- what a bunch of yokels our three-piece suit big-wigs are. Take that cash you'll make, Carbon Tax, and invest it as far from Quebec as you possibly can.
Welcome to Quebec. I am sure you'll feel at home here where we have more taxes than txpayers. If you find the taxpayers a little grumbly when you meet them, pay no heed. Its not your fault, friendly nex tax, it was how you were introduced.
See, your obnoxious hosts, the Quebec Liberal party did mighty upsetting thing while rolling out the red carpet for you.
First, the big news had been this income tax cut that the Liberals finally put into a budget. Taxpayers like tax cuts, you see - I know, I know, its hard for a tax like you to understand, but suspend disbelief for a minute - taxpayers like tax cuts. So when we find out the tax cuts don't come into effect for another 15 years or so (okay, not that bad, but well after Christmas) and that you were moving in immediately - its enough to piss everyone off. Sure, there's a tax cut on the way, but in the short term everybody's taxes are going up. Good for you, bad for us.
Second, your hosts claimed that the tax will be levied at oil refiners and the good folks at the refineries won't pass those additional costs to consumers. I know a good tax like you understands what a load of rubbish that is but being new to Quebec, here's some context that will show you how ludicrous and shaming this statement is:
The Quebec Liberals are the party of the Quebec business establishment. If these guys represent the political voice of Quebec's business brains --- what a bunch of yokels our three-piece suit big-wigs are. Take that cash you'll make, Carbon Tax, and invest it as far from Quebec as you possibly can.
Labels: Liberalitis - a tendency to think everyone but you is stupid
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
May to Harper: Steal My Ideas
Chuckercanuck is pleased to offer breaking news:
In the next election, Stephen Harper will be running in the riding of Toronto-Danforth and endorsing Gilles Duceppe as the next leader of Canada.
In the next election, Stephen Harper will be running in the riding of Toronto-Danforth and endorsing Gilles Duceppe as the next leader of Canada.
Labels: No time for Tag
Monday, June 04, 2007
I knew Stockwell Day and Mr. Dion, you're no Stockwell Day
Stephane Dion promised a different kind of politics and he has not disappointed: where everyone plays chess, Mr. Dion plays limbo and everytime you think he's hit a low, he proves himself able to hit a little lower.
Now, being a sort of semi-news / mostly malarchy aggregator, I thought it helpful to summarize how Liberal bloggers are reacting to news that Jack Layton and Stephane Dion are pretty much tied for Canadians' esteem - and those ain't good numbers for Jack.
Cerberus. Its like I've been saying for weeks now, the real shocker is that Deceivin' Stephen is only thrice more popular than Stephane Dion. Why isn't he four times more popular? Proof that the Tory ads don't work and the Young Liberal ads were hugely effective. If I were Stephen Harper, I'd be in full panic mode.
BCinTO. How many pillars does it take to change a government? But seriously, let them sweep Alberta, we'll sweep Newfoundland!
Jason Cherniak. To my way of thinking, these rock-bottom poll numbers translate into smart, smart politics. The trick is to set expectations low with abysmal, distracted, incoherent performance, then ratchet up to merely "well below acceptable" when it counts and surprise everyone with how unpathetic you are. And in my efforts, as deputy leader of Dion's Digital democracy, let me help by saying: "Stephen Harper is an asshole."
Red Tory. I conducted a poll of all the women I know and they all responded by saying they loathed Stephen Harper and positively worshipped Stephane Dion. It was a totally random query, I assure you, and it leads me to posit the following: 13% of Canada's population are women.
Calgary Grit. Uhhhhhh. Ahhhhh. Uhhhhh. There's a huge Facebook scandal. Please, please, please, can we talk about the Facebook scandal?
Paul Wells. How come I can never back the right horse? That's it. If Stephane Dion doesn't become PM in the next 6 hours, I'm moving to France with Alex Baldwin.
Antonio at Fuddle Duddle. See, my fellow dufi (that's dufus plural), step off the Delusion Train and listen to what I've been telling you: you can't make a milk dud from dud.
Now, being a sort of semi-news / mostly malarchy aggregator, I thought it helpful to summarize how Liberal bloggers are reacting to news that Jack Layton and Stephane Dion are pretty much tied for Canadians' esteem - and those ain't good numbers for Jack.
Cerberus. Its like I've been saying for weeks now, the real shocker is that Deceivin' Stephen is only thrice more popular than Stephane Dion. Why isn't he four times more popular? Proof that the Tory ads don't work and the Young Liberal ads were hugely effective. If I were Stephen Harper, I'd be in full panic mode.
BCinTO. How many pillars does it take to change a government? But seriously, let them sweep Alberta, we'll sweep Newfoundland!
Jason Cherniak. To my way of thinking, these rock-bottom poll numbers translate into smart, smart politics. The trick is to set expectations low with abysmal, distracted, incoherent performance, then ratchet up to merely "well below acceptable" when it counts and surprise everyone with how unpathetic you are. And in my efforts, as deputy leader of Dion's Digital democracy, let me help by saying: "Stephen Harper is an asshole."
Red Tory. I conducted a poll of all the women I know and they all responded by saying they loathed Stephen Harper and positively worshipped Stephane Dion. It was a totally random query, I assure you, and it leads me to posit the following: 13% of Canada's population are women.
Calgary Grit. Uhhhhhh. Ahhhhh. Uhhhhh. There's a huge Facebook scandal. Please, please, please, can we talk about the Facebook scandal?
Paul Wells. How come I can never back the right horse? That's it. If Stephane Dion doesn't become PM in the next 6 hours, I'm moving to France with Alex Baldwin.
Antonio at Fuddle Duddle. See, my fellow dufi (that's dufus plural), step off the Delusion Train and listen to what I've been telling you: you can't make a milk dud from dud.
Labels: Harper by a long shot in Quebec - repeat - Harper by a long shot
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Protesting the Protesters
Friends and colleagues,
In this postmodern, quantum-qualude, trip-hop-clap-trap world we live in, the new rebel is a conformist. The real revolution belongs not to those who rage against the machine, rather those who rage against raging against the machine.
Yesterday, we were treated to images of Rainbow flags and the checkered neck-scarves of Fatah-lovers mingled in a mass of angry protest. We heard reports of rocks the size of grapefruits being hurled at police. Today, the CanWest papers add some numbers to the spectcle: 17,000 police are being paid time, overtime, triple-time to keep the G8 protestors at bay and $17 million was spent to erect a temporary fence to bar access to the G8 summit.
$17 million ain't chump change, as you well know. If I had Sally Struthers next to me, she could easily convert that into meals, medicines and school materials for Africa to give these G8-ingrates some perspective. In all the world, there is not more obscene and ridiculous $17 million expenditure.
What exactly do the protestors expect to accomplish? Stop the G8 summit? Pointless as much as impossible. Convey a message to the world? Thuggery is the refuge of the inarticulate. Globalization must be stopped? Where were they when my friend Xerxes was taxing the Silk Route or Jacques Cartier steered his way down the St-Lawrence seaway? If they want to stop globalization, they should hit the genetic engineering labs and find a means to remove the socialization gene from the human genetic code: raging against human nature is futile load of Bolshevik.
So, I invite you, dear friends, to collect with me at the site of the next anti-everything-but-dreadlocks-and-welfare-checks protest to counter-protest. I'll have placards ready for everyone with mottos like:
"Hard Work is Unavoidable!"
"Progress takes Centuries!"
"Shower and Shampoo your Hair!"
"Can we Disrupt your next meeting?"
"Thank You US Military for the Internet!"
"If this is Rule by Global Conspiracy, Global Conspiracy ain't half bad!"
In this postmodern, quantum-qualude, trip-hop-clap-trap world we live in, the new rebel is a conformist. The real revolution belongs not to those who rage against the machine, rather those who rage against raging against the machine.
Yesterday, we were treated to images of Rainbow flags and the checkered neck-scarves of Fatah-lovers mingled in a mass of angry protest. We heard reports of rocks the size of grapefruits being hurled at police. Today, the CanWest papers add some numbers to the spectcle: 17,000 police are being paid time, overtime, triple-time to keep the G8 protestors at bay and $17 million was spent to erect a temporary fence to bar access to the G8 summit.
$17 million ain't chump change, as you well know. If I had Sally Struthers next to me, she could easily convert that into meals, medicines and school materials for Africa to give these G8-ingrates some perspective. In all the world, there is not more obscene and ridiculous $17 million expenditure.
What exactly do the protestors expect to accomplish? Stop the G8 summit? Pointless as much as impossible. Convey a message to the world? Thuggery is the refuge of the inarticulate. Globalization must be stopped? Where were they when my friend Xerxes was taxing the Silk Route or Jacques Cartier steered his way down the St-Lawrence seaway? If they want to stop globalization, they should hit the genetic engineering labs and find a means to remove the socialization gene from the human genetic code: raging against human nature is futile load of Bolshevik.
So, I invite you, dear friends, to collect with me at the site of the next anti-everything-but-dreadlocks-and-welfare-checks protest to counter-protest. I'll have placards ready for everyone with mottos like:
"Hard Work is Unavoidable!"
"Progress takes Centuries!"
"Shower and Shampoo your Hair!"
"Can we Disrupt your next meeting?"
"Thank You US Military for the Internet!"
"If this is Rule by Global Conspiracy, Global Conspiracy ain't half bad!"
Labels: Hey hippies - go protest your buddy Chavez and see how he treats you
Friday, June 01, 2007
Guest Blogger: The Hollywood Henchman
Hey there, no one minds if I take Chuckercanuck hostage and rant on his blog a minute, do yas?
Okay. Days like today make me wonder how the psychopathic crime boss I work for built his empire up. I mean... what a damn cheese ball!
I used to work a white collar job and let me tell you, the guy in the corner office never wasted his time making stupid jokes all the bloody time. For instance, we kidnap this girl this morning and throw her in our make-shift prison cell. So, there's my boss standing over us (hello, micromanager!) and he says - get this - "seems your room isn't ready. I'll call room service." She doesn't laugh. We don't laugh - I'm mean, I've heard him make the same corny joke thirty times in the last 16 months. No, we don't laugh - we think, "what a fuckin' loser." Do you see Joe Corner Office wasting his time supervising this shit and making those jokes? I didn't think so.
Now, get this, the guy loves rock candy. But for some reason, he's got it in his head that its intimidating when he picks a piece of rock candy and eats it slowly in front of us, or his next victim or whoever he's talking too. Guess what boss - my three year old kid takes forever to eat a damned candy. Its not intimidating, its bloody frustrating. When he does that to me, I'm so tempted to say, "hey, you need a bib and bottle, tough guy?" But then he'd shoot me dead and dump me in an abandoned quarry, so I keep the joke to myself.
The guy has women issues. I think he's a closet homo because he's totally off-whack around women. The chick we kidnapped this morning, he wants to show her he's all animal lust and such - so what's he do? Licks her forehead! I'm not kidding. And not just a lick - a hungry, long lick as if licking some chicks forehead is real hot and sexy. It grosses her out. It grosses us out. And he's lookin' around like he's cock of the walk. Imagine what it was like for him as a teenager. He's on a date - his girl wants to get groped - and instead, she's getting licked on the forehead. He's panting, breathless - hornier than a monkey from the taste of her forehead. You don't think the girls were calling him Dork Numero Uno after his first (and last) infamous lick?
So what am I saying? I can't work for these losers. The pay's shit anyway - I don't have a pension or health insurance - and everytime my boss opens his mouth, I cringe in anticipation of some big dope statement about to drop. Trust me, switching psycho crime bosses ain't gonna make a difference: you've seen the movies, they're all the same.
Okay. Days like today make me wonder how the psychopathic crime boss I work for built his empire up. I mean... what a damn cheese ball!
I used to work a white collar job and let me tell you, the guy in the corner office never wasted his time making stupid jokes all the bloody time. For instance, we kidnap this girl this morning and throw her in our make-shift prison cell. So, there's my boss standing over us (hello, micromanager!) and he says - get this - "seems your room isn't ready. I'll call room service." She doesn't laugh. We don't laugh - I'm mean, I've heard him make the same corny joke thirty times in the last 16 months. No, we don't laugh - we think, "what a fuckin' loser." Do you see Joe Corner Office wasting his time supervising this shit and making those jokes? I didn't think so.
Now, get this, the guy loves rock candy. But for some reason, he's got it in his head that its intimidating when he picks a piece of rock candy and eats it slowly in front of us, or his next victim or whoever he's talking too. Guess what boss - my three year old kid takes forever to eat a damned candy. Its not intimidating, its bloody frustrating. When he does that to me, I'm so tempted to say, "hey, you need a bib and bottle, tough guy?" But then he'd shoot me dead and dump me in an abandoned quarry, so I keep the joke to myself.
The guy has women issues. I think he's a closet homo because he's totally off-whack around women. The chick we kidnapped this morning, he wants to show her he's all animal lust and such - so what's he do? Licks her forehead! I'm not kidding. And not just a lick - a hungry, long lick as if licking some chicks forehead is real hot and sexy. It grosses her out. It grosses us out. And he's lookin' around like he's cock of the walk. Imagine what it was like for him as a teenager. He's on a date - his girl wants to get groped - and instead, she's getting licked on the forehead. He's panting, breathless - hornier than a monkey from the taste of her forehead. You don't think the girls were calling him Dork Numero Uno after his first (and last) infamous lick?
So what am I saying? I can't work for these losers. The pay's shit anyway - I don't have a pension or health insurance - and everytime my boss opens his mouth, I cringe in anticipation of some big dope statement about to drop. Trust me, switching psycho crime bosses ain't gonna make a difference: you've seen the movies, they're all the same.
Labels: I just saw Hannibal Rising
