ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Chuckercanuck is proud to be the co-sponsor of the first ever Elizabeth May Eternal Damnation Award for someone whose work in the field of climate change science will earn the wrath of God and a post-mortem shuttle to Hell.

Labels: Climate Change Deniers Will Burn in Hell

A headline you'll never see in the Globe & Mail. Shocking! Like the rest of you, God talk freaks me out and worries me greatly about the God-talkers secret, hidden, evil, sour, tyrannical agenda.

Labels: The only acceptable relationship with God is estranged

48 years ago today, a baby sprang forth from the forehead of Father Time. He was to be the greatest Prime Minister in Canadian history. Okay. Sorry. Too much mania in my tea this morning. However, a Quebec Harpermaniac cannot let this day pass without some acknowledgement of the great man’s birthday. And not just by mentioning that international markets decided to acknowledge our Prime Minister by pushing the loony past $US0.90.

In Quebec, everything is coming up roses – er – fleur-de-lys for the Prime Minister; the political world in this province orbits around him.

The PQ has had to lay off party workers and satisfy its rapacious appetites as it struggles to life as the third party of Quebec. Divides between its leadership and its grassroots have never been wider or more bitter. Mr. Boisclair hides from his militants and battles with irrelevance.

The Bloc Quebecois’ flaccid raison d’etre has never looked more shopworn. Just this weekend, they were openly contemplating breaking their separatist alliance with the Parti Quebecois to become autonomist confreres with the ADQ. Much like Mr. Boisclair, Gilles Duceppe finds himself increasingly alienated from his party that only pretended to be progressive so long as the cause of Quebec separatism was in play.

Our pals the NDP have decided to make a renewed effort in Quebec. The deep urban ridings of Montreal are as ripe for a yellow invasion as Toronto’s or Vancouver’s – it would be lovely to see the NDP take a star candidate like former Quebec cabinet minister, Thomas Mulcair, and run him in a riding most sympathetic to the NDP cause. For example, Justin Trudeau’s stomping ground of Papineau. It could initiate some lovely three ways between the separatist left (Bloc), the phony/loopy left (Grits) and the genuine left (NDP). Maybe the best left win!

Our Prime Minister has done more, in a minority context and over the briefest period, to redefine politics in Quebec than anyone on either side of the separatist-federalist feud in a generation. All Canadians should use this day to thank him and wish him continued success.

Labels: Non-Harpermaniacs will forgive my irrational exuberance

It cannot pass without comment: Justin Trudeau sailed to an easy victory in today's nomination race in the riding of Papineau.

The victory did not match expectations set by the media. The dreaded second ballot Anybody-but-Trudeau never had a chance to surface. Our impartial experts in the field were so completely wrong either because they are more incompetent than expert or they enjoy the narrative of the rich kid who could. I suspect the latter.

Tonight, Stephane Dion (and by extension, Mother Earth) must be in full panic mode. Wimping away from an attempt to topple the government over the isue dearest to his heart, Mr. Dion now has in his midst a person with the stature (read: celebrity) to replace the leader. So long as it was Iggies and Raes nipping at his heels, Mr. Dion had nothing to worry about - no one swaps a Hyundai for a Chrsyler. But offer them a Mercedes and how can you expect them to refuse?

Were I a Liberal, this is what I would do: (1) abstain from group sex for 12 hours; (2) think about myself and how scrumptious I am for the next 12 hours; (3) forget everything I've ever said and kiss the purple of the next Emperor Liberalis, Justin Trudeau.

Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your days at some dive with Stephane Dion drinking away your blues and dreaming of what might have been.

Update: For giggles, check out Red Tory's YouTube highlight of Justin Trudeau speaking. It is a wonderful glimpse into the empty headedness of Liberals. As you watch this nervous glib freak prance back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, remember - this is their last hope and in the quiet of night, they each say a little prayer to him.

Labels: Flicking Fidel's flipping out by now

I know none of you read Garth Turner - I do on those occasions where Jason Cherniak is disappointingly lucid. For me, Garth Turner's blog is like renting Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or having lunch at a Chili's - if you aren't prepared to revel in the absurdity, do not do it.

Friday, we learned that Liberals are contemplating bringing down the government on the noble basis of seeing a weak spot (that has, alas, come and gone). As with most of their contemplation, the subject was quickly dropped when someone discovered Revlon has a new shade of nail polish.

But their digital leader, Garth Turner, after spending the last two months saying evil Stephen Harper was going to force an election no one wanted because he is evil, is now calling for an election because... well, Stephen Harper is evil!

Enjoy!

But if you can't stomach reading the whole thing (I just skip the blah, blah, blah), here are his two choicest quotes:

"I cannot expect you to know this, since you have not walked in my shoes, but Stephen Harper is a truly dangerous man."

Coincidental trivia: Bet you didn't know that Stephen Harper's middle name is Ahmedinejad! So maybe Darth Turner is right.

"And we need an election. Now."

Now to see how much pull he has with the party.....

Labels: Rich Little caught in Meatloaf's body

Dear Al,

I enjoyed reading about your attack on my government's new GHG plan. Its a sham you say, designed to mislead Canadians. While I would not have been surprised that you dislike the plan - it doesn't ask Canadians to live like ancient Greeks in order to carbon offset your own gluttonous life - but I was surprised that you would not simply attack the plan but make the extra step of assigning a sort of green-versioned mens rhea. Tories designed it to mislead Canadians?

Al - people living in gas-guzzling houses should not throw stones.

Everybody now knows that you jet-set first class across North America. Everybody knows your own household requires half the oil fields in Oklahoma to stay cushy comfy. Everybody knows you buy carbon offsets from yourself. So, I'll skip over those rancid scandals in favour of a few "off-the-beaten-path" issues I'd like you to address.

Hurricane Katrina
In your fine film, an Inconvenient Truth, you draw a causal link between Hurricane Katrina and global warming. If I'm to understand, Dr. Gore, then if we follow your recipe and defeat anthropogenic global warming, we will never have a hurricane of that intensity strike New Orleans again. Could you promise and guarantee that for us, please? I'd bet if you travelled the gulf states, plus Florida with that message (hey folks, with my cure, I promise that hurricanes will never be gob-smacking anymore) you'd have a new religion down there overnight.

By the way, like you, I am hoping and praying this hurricane season really knocks some people off their ass. The non-season that was 2006 was such a global-warming bummer.

Big Tobacco
In 1996, at the Democratic National Convention where you and Bill won the ticket for a second time, you gave a speech. It was long and tiring until you got weepy and personal. You told us about watching your sister die of lung cancer. You shared with us the pain of spending her last minutes as she finally gave in. You said you made a promise in her final breaths that until your final breaths, you would fight Big Tobacco and cancer. I paraphrase a litttle, but I think I have your clever quote close to spot on. More than a decade later, it looks like you've invested as much passion and focus to that goal as OJ Simpson has to finding the REAL killer. Curious: are lecture fees not so hot in cancer market as they are in the global warming market?

Anyway. I find it amazing that a man who could invent the internet can't come up with a solution to this mess.

Labels: Go to China Mr. Gore if you want Street Cred

This morning, everything is in flux. Gilles Duceppe is looking to escape a boat with a slow leak by hopping onto a sinking ship. Gerry Nicholls is shouting mad that the Tories to take advantage of his self-proclaimed, "top 5 political minds in the country". Libby Davies wants Stephen Harper to remain Prime Minister. You are probably wondering: where do I fit in this confused picture? Help, to help you out, I have a simple quiz that will determine whether all these machinations suddenly mean you are a Liberal.

Q1. There should be an election right now because

a) The Conservatives have abandoned the Kyoto protocol thus ensuring the end of the world.
b) Never has a budget done so little with so much.
c) Canada needs Stephane Dion's leadership.
d) Its been a rough week for the government and maybe we can capitalize on that.

Q2. The situation of Taliban detainees in Afghanistan is

a) Shocking - even evil bastards deserve better.
b) Meh - what are you going to do short of running the country yourself?
c) Something we have to work on with our international partners and the Afghan government.
d) Something we knew about all along, but didn't mind so long as we had the limos.

Q3. The Gun Registry

a) Saves lives. Let's keep it, no matter the costs.
b) Is useless and wasteful. Let's scrap it.
c) Should be kept, but needs a full cost review.
d) Doesn't apply to us, because we commit our gun crimes with illegal guns.

Q4. The new Tory Climate Change plan

a) is a better plan than a Canadian government has ever produced.
b) is a tragedy for Canada.
c) is too harsh on the economy for the measly gains it will produce.
d) doesn't go far enough - it should at least have forced us to keep our own promises about certain coal plants.


If you answered (d) to all four questions, guess what? You are a Liberal!

Labels: Boycott the 2008 Olympics

That flicking Liberal dream team is coming together nicely. Out of the woodworks comes one of Dion’s backroom boys to emerge as the latest member of the Al-Quaeda wing of the Liberal party. Lovely Farhan Chak will be the Liberal candidate in Edmonton-Beaumont. Before being recruited by Stephane Dion, Farhan Chak spent his time offering insightful commentary about all points of conflict in the muslim world:

In Algeria, massacres there were clearly the result of a French conspiracy. Terrorist attacks within France were only faked up to look like the work of Islamic fanatics. They were – as a precursor to 9/11 truthers – a French government plot.

In Palestine, Sharon the Butcher ran a government that murdered Palestinian children (presumably for Passover baking) and raped Palestinian women.

(I can imagine the awkward scene when the Israel private turns to his officer and says, “what now, sir?” and the officer replies, “you know the drill, rape her, her and her.” Or the Israeli cabinet meeting where one ministers barks, “deficit schmeficit, how many women did we rape today?”)

In Kashmir, India regularly commits “grotesque human rights violations” and their democracy is a sham.

The sets of pig infidels locked in violent conflict with peace-loving people who are victims of pig infidel aggression (even though this pig infidel aggression, in each case, finds conflict with no other neighbour). In fact, we are not really in a position to morally judge “suicide bombers”, Mr. Chak informs us. To a point, I agree: many of them are brainwashed kids sent to their heroic deaths by death-cult fanatics.

Mr. Chak has some interesting thoughts on Canada’s Conservative government: did you know we are trying to destabilize Poland? Not only that, but Conservatives in Edmonton are “very racist”. Conservatives like Rahim Jaffer.

Welcome to the dream team, Mr. Chak. How does Minister for Public Security sound?

Labels: Hat Tip to Steve Janke

A quick scan of the Liberal blogs offers a fascinating reaction to Minister Baird’s climate change action plan: silence followed by a few, barely audible gulps.

Only two months ago, the three opposition parties banded together and voted for a motion calling on the government to meet our Kyoto obligations.

Now that a plan is delivered that will not meet our Kyoto commitments, let me echo Chantal Hebert: bad boys, bad boys, watchya gonna do?

That question is such cruel torture; I expect a Liberal will accuse me of war crimes and send me to The Hague. Of course, none of them will do anything. As we have discussed so many times on this blog, if Stephane Dion believed anything he said, he would launch a non-confidence vote in the government on this very issue. If his separatist buddies or his NDP nemeses felt as passionately about the Kyoto protocol as they claimed, they would vote down the government and we would be in a spring election. That, my friends, is the inconvenient consequence of hysteria-mongering.

Elizabeth May called yesterday “a sad day for Canada” – which is understated since we know she meant a “sad day for the universe.” How can she stand by her man if her man wimps out of a necessary confrontation over her only issue? At the very least, they should submit the motion and watch the Bloc Quebecois blink. That way, everybody wins thanks to yet another humiliation delivered to the separatists who defend nothing and serve no one.

Labels: Put up or Shut up

Earlier today, I declared Ontario the dweebiest province in Canada. While agreement with this statement was close to unanimous, there were some people who suggested Alberta deserves that title. To help clarify the matter, I have decided to share with you how dweeby each province is on the Chuckercanuck Dweeb Scale. Now, the algorithms that determine the ranking and scores are too complicated to delve into here, so I will provide for each province, a brief illustration of why they fared as they did. Note: the Dweeb Scale is out of 100.

10. Manitoba - 43 points.

Surprisingly, the only dweeby thing about Manitoba is its geography. Otherwise, this province has produced more kick-ass rockers per capita than anywheres else. Afterall, it is the source of an international megahit on the metaphysics of being Superman.

9. Quebec - 48 points.

Quebec is clearly the coolest corner of Canada. Sadly though, whereas separatists added to the cool factor a generation ago, they are now a large sack of dweebs who quote the minutiae of Macedonian politics - pathetic, annoying, anal.

8. Newfoundland - 51 points.

I ran some simulations and Newfoundland scores amazingly well (as in low) if you remove the irate ingrate of a premier they have. But, with Danny Williams welded to his throne in St-John's, Newfoundland's great culture, wit, booze and food gets whacked hard into dweeb territory.

7. New Brunswick - 54 points.

A province split between two families is rather dweebish, but officially two-languaged is very cool.

6. Alberta - 61 points.

Intellectually cool but Alberta drivers make the whole of wild rose country lame, lame, lame. There may not be a pedestrian within 50 km of a cross-walk, but Albertans will stop, look both directions, stop again, make double sure no one's near, roll their window and call out "anyone want to cross?" and then finally continue on their way.

5. Saskatchewan - 69 points.

It has the Paris of the Prairies, but what's with all the communists?

4. British Columbia - 75 points.

A flip-side of Manitoba: the geography is awesome but the people? Soy milk drinking weirdos who worship oak trees, bead their own jewellery and weep whenever the Indigo girls play. Plus, there's no real highways in Vancouver. Dweebs!

3. P.E.I. - 82 points.

Bad enough the coolest thing off this island is Anne of Green Gables, but they've had a decades long ban on beer and soft drink cans? What are they, the cast of the Hills have Eyes?

2. Nova Scotia - 94 points.

Easy. Sunday shopping. Scent free buildings. Elizabeth May. Creepy as much as dweeby.

1. Ontario - 107 points.

The only jurisdiction on Earth to score above the maximum possible points. Dweebish in every way. Beer at the corner store? No! Hip & Edgy Government Ministries? No! Crowded with gay muslim men married to one another, wearing burquas and proud? Yes!

Labels: I'm just the messenger folks

Does the province of Ontario ever realize that in its quest for world status, its easiest route would be to focus on its dweebocity? No one, not even Belgium, competes with Ontario on that front. Witness the latest publicity campaign launched by Ontario's Ministry of Environment. In an effort to grab teenagers and raise their awareness of energy consumption, the ministry has launched its: Flick Off campaign. (As in flick off the light switch.)

Flick Off. But here's the hip and edgy twist: on the logo, the L and the I are squeezed so tightly together, they look like a U. So its not flick off, its fuck off. Then, the radical cool icing to this campaign is Ontario has enlisted not some genius local talent like K-OS, no, they've reached out to billionaire geezer Peter Pan-wannabe, Sir Richard Branson.

How do you get the kids these days to care about energy consumption? Fuck Off! Swear words are guaranteed to work. Kids will say, "hey, the ministry of environment is hip and edgy. Switching off the lights is a wicked cool thing to do."

At my house, I have a more traditional, yet equally edgy way of getting my kids to shut the lights off. I scream: "Hey Rainbow and SkyPiper, I pay the damned electricity bill in this damned house and if you don't want us bankrupt and living in the sewers, don't make me piss poor by wasting my money on damned empty rooms!" Seems to work.

Anyway, I'm a little jealous because Ontario's Ministry of the Environment stole my thunder for a couple of hip and edgy campaigns I plan to launch.

ClOCK
I have enlisted MC Hammer to help me raise awareness among teenagers about how hip and edgy daylight savings time is.

GASSHOLE
The boys from Twisted Sister have been reunited to help me sell how hip and edgy carbon sequestration is.

Oh well, back to the drawing boards.

Labels: Margaret Atwood is from Ontario - right?

If you are a Tory, sit down, breathe deeply and ready yourself for a shock: Margeret Atwood does not like us.

Yesterday, here in Montreal, Madame Atwood unleashed a laminar torrent at us cultural heathens who wouldn't know degout from Degas. Like Yann Martel, she is bitterly angry at the Tory government's tepid support of cultural subsidies. Since culture, specifically Canadian film, is a subject dear to Chuckercanuck, I would be remiss if I did not address this cultural icon's passionate defense of arts subsidies. So what are her arguments exactly?

1) She is very, very rich. So is Yann Martel and Robert Lepage. Ergo, the government should fork more cash out to her, Yann and Robert. Okay, that could be called an uncharitable reading of this line of argument. But the implications are clear: her success and her talent are unrelated - the former is due to government sponsorship. Actually, she has a point here, doesn't she?

2) When foreigners buy Canadian art, this means a new infusion of cash into Canada not simply "recirculated" cash within the dominion. Therefore, the government should send artists on foreign junkets to advertise their wares. So its a "net gain" for Canada. I know its rude to raise the issue of numbers before an artist (unless you compose twelve-tone music), but the netness of the "net gain" requires that the monies spent on the junkets be less than the monies earned as a result. Oh, and to make it really net, let's call it the income taxes earned on said monies. Let's pretend, for a second, that these numbers could be assembled into a compelling business case. Why wouldn't Margeret call up a deep-pocketed buddy in the Liberal Party - say Paul Martin or Bill Graham - to make the necessary investment? You don't have to win the Apprentice to know that would be a wise investment.

Further, my own company generates most of its revenues outside Canada. Our offerings are entirely based on intellectual capital - we sell no commodities or manufactured products. My company is a sexy as it gets when it comes to the knowledge economy. Why isn't Margeret pimping for my wares? Shouldn't we be entitled to the same government investments especially given our track record four decades long. Oh wait, four decades long. We don't need those damned subsidies and could easily become fat and lazy grazing on the government's tit.

3) I'll just quote her: "It is so that the government supports all kinds of infrastructure for hockey and sports, they support all sorts of stuff for business, so why are they being this way about the arts, a sector which contributes a great deal"

Ideologically, this government does not support "stuff for business". The hugely controversial income trust taxation policy was precisely that: removing what was, in effect, a subsidy for companies. It would be hugely disruptive to untangle overnight every business grant and subsidy scheme the Liberals have concocted - but to pretend Tories support business subsidies is nuts.

As for sports subsidies, Margie might want to think of what happened last week: the Liberals suggest that since Team Canada was partly funded by the federal government, the Prime Minister should have a say in how that team was formed. Should an arts-subsidizing Prime Minister get to interfere in the works of arts s/he subsidizes? A capital idea. In fact, here's how the next, government-subsidized, last lines of Oryx and Crake should read:

"It was a catastrophe. A parched, dying planet where genetically modified monsters ran amok. Oryx and Crake wanted to kill themselves and end their story without suffering through its last horrible moments. Suddenly, over the horizon, they spotted a glimmer. Two men with brisk strides and confident smiles. To the left, natural, perfect leadership approached them. They called him Harper. To Harper's right, a genetically modified organism that even Oryx and Crake had to concede was near perfect in appearance, intellect and humour. They called him Chuckercanuck. 'You know,' Oryx said to Crake whistfully, 'I think things are going to work just fine.' Crake replied, 'I sense the start of a beautiful friendship.' And the world was never happier."

The End.

Labels: Mark Knopfler predicted this in the early 80s

I waffle between schadenfreude and sympathy for Justin Trudeau. His record of accomplishment sounds something like Milli Vanilli: basically non-existent when you strip away what other people accomplished for him. But still, celebrity is celebrity – when Ben Mulroney does throw his hat into the ring, he can do so assured that Chuckercanuck will be shilling for him every step of the way. So why would the Liberal party and Stephane Dion make such a game of tormenting the young lad as Justin fights to win the nomination in Papineau. There’s even talk about an Anyone-But-Trudeau movement afoot in the riding. Anyone but Trudeau? This is the Liberal party, right? There are a number of postulations to explain his struggle, let’s review them.

1) Stephane Dion wants Justin Trudeau to “prove himself” by winning a fair-fight nomination battle. I rate this theory as a joke. Mr. Dion has no clue what a nomination contest looks like, having been dropped into a sure-bet riding without a whisper of input from the grassroots. As we have seen lately with the May-Dionber romance, Mr. Dion’s treatment of Justin Trudeau is exceptional and not born of some deep commitment to grassroots democracy.

2) Stephane Dion was miffed by Justin Trudeau’s decision to run in Papineau since Mr. Dion wanted to reserve that riding for a woman. I rate this theory as a bigger joke. Papineau is no sure thing – it is currently held by the Bloc Quebecois (oh, and a visible minority woman MP that the Liberals want to oust). Westmount-Ville Marie is Lucienne Robillard’s riding. Liberals could run Jason Vorhees in that riding and win it with a landslide. Is that riding being reserved for a woman? Of course not! Mr. Dion wants to land space cadet Marc Garneau into the riding. Yes, more woman candidates – just not in the easy ridings. No logic supports reserving Papineau for a women but leaving Westmount-Ville Marie to a man.

3) Stephane Dion is terrified of Justin Trudeau. Mr. Dion knows that he won his leadership because the top options repelled each other’s supporters into his embrace. Iggy-Rae-phobia is a dynamic that secures Mr. Dion’s position as leader since there is no pretender to his throne. Enter Justin Trudeau and all that changes. Suddenly, Canada transforms into the rose and pirouette nation pining for Justin’s boyish curls. No matter how many times Mr. Dion would call Justin Trudeau a bully, the label wouldn’t stick.

4) The conflict is real and as reported with no one, even wimpy Mr. Dion, playing anything more than a bit actor in the drama. The fifth business in the affair is the fact that there is no Liberal Party of Canada anymore: it is two solitudes. Quebec Liberals and Rest of Canada Liberals are discovering, through the Trudeau nomination, that they have nothing in common and only the tiniest prospect of winning power again to keep them bound to one another.

5) This Syssiphissian struggle is a hoax perpetrated by the Liberal party in order to manufacture an accomplishment on Mr. Trudeau’s behalf. After a “hard-fought” win, the Liberal Party can trumpet their new dream candidate while their buddies (Traverse & Martin) can devote the next 3 months of columns on what a fighter Justin Trudeau is. Hmmm… this theory ain’t so crazy.

Labels: Castro's health will deteriorate critically unless Trudeau wins

May 7th, 2008

Peter Mansbridge: Six months after the Governor General appointed Stephane Dion as Prime Minister, the Liberals have made good on their first priority as a government: setting up a prison in Canada for Taliban prisoners. Our Wendy Mesley travelled to the secret location on a Nunavut Island where the first prisoners are getting accustomed to their new home.

(cut to to a woman in a cyan blue burqua holding a microphone. Next to her stands the newly appointed warden, Jason Cherniak, 'an elfin type with fierce eyes'.)

Wendy (muffled by cloth): Thanks, Peter. I'm standing next to Jason Cherniak, Warden of Camp Happyland, where Taliban fighters caught by Canadian forces will be held for the duration of the mission which ends in 2009. Mr. Cherniak, congratulations on the new appointment.

Cherniak: Thanks, Wendy. Hold on a sec, I'm live blogging this over my wireless blackberry.

Wendy: Earlier today, I toured the facilities with the new Minister of Public Security, Defense, Justice and Environment, Garth Turner. Can you remind Canadians why this prison was set up.

Cherniak: Sure Wendy. The whole concept was to unite the progressive vote under the Liberal banner. One way to accomplish this was to promise that Taliban fighters would be subjected to the same prison conditions as any Canadian prisoner would expect.

Wendy: Which explains the pool tables, spa & fitness centre and deluxe package satellite TV in every cell.

Cherniak: Exactly. By the way, thanks for wearing the burqua - it disgusts our prisoners to see you in anything but. Thanks also for pretending to be sweeping the floors while touring the site. If the prisoners caught wind that we let you speak and think, they would go ape-shit.

Wendy: Its a reasonable accommodation, if you ask me. Now, we are hearing rumours that prisoners are being tortured in the prison.

Cherniak: Hogwash. Martha Stewart has a worse time in prison than these guys.

Wendy: But can you be so cavalier? Afterall, you set up these prisons because you took the word of Taliban fighters over the word of our own troops.

Cherniak: Trust me, Wendy, they love me. Some of these guys never had a facial before and the mud mask was a little frightening. But once they saw the results, everyone simmered down.

Wendy: Some critics say its ironic to see the Liberals build a prison after they fought so hard against prison building in the last few elections.

Cherniak: Sour grapes. Look, Camp Happiland generated and continues to generate huge economic spin-offs.

Wendy: Well, some critics say you should have thought more carefully about where those economic spin-offs could have gone to better use, like say in the Atlantic provinces.

Cherniak: We offered Newfoundland first dibs, but Danny Williams told us to piss off.

Wendy: Other critics point out that this money could have been spent on reconstruction in Afghanistan. They also say that by setting up a Taliban prison in Canada, our government is trying to short-circuit the necessary growing pains that Afghanistan's justice system must go through to mature.

Cherniak: More bullocks. Say what you will about Taliban government - there was a little oppression here and there - but under the Taliban, Afghanistan had justice. The Bush-monkey government in Kabul couldn't match Taliban justice if it wanted to.

Wendy: Thank you for your time, Warden Cherniak.

Cherniak: No problemo, Wendy. I have to go anyway. I'm giving the boys in cell block "C" a course in new media tools for tyrannical fanatics. Ciao.

Wendy: For CBC news, I'm Wendy Mesley, somewhere, in Nunavut.

Labels: Coyne and Wells were right - Mr. Dion will save Canada

Yaaayyy!!!

And the icing on this cake, Trevor Linden (I just happen to own a personally signed #16 jersey!) scores the winning goal!

But wow! What a nail biter, eh?

So, with that out of the way, a great big thanks to Chucker for the experience! Would have like to have got a couple more posts in, but as you can see I was a tad bit distracted from things political.

Back to you, Big Fella!

Springer

I swore to myself I would never tell a potty joke - its just so... so.... cheap. But.

So what's next, a ban on mexican food?

And how would such a ban be enforced? Do we set up a Toilet Virtue & Vice Police? Aren't our courts clogged enough as it is? (cue pun-related groan).

These sorts of bans never work anyway - all that would happen is an underground market for smuggled toilet paper would bloom. Just watch the Toronto Star's circulation quadruple overnight! (No wonder the have an upcoming editorial endorsing the idea.)

Labels: A One Ply Idea

Let's start off today with 2 pieces of fan mail that just poured in...

"Dear Springer,

You're way better at this than Chucker! You should start your own blog!

xoxoxox,

Your Kids"

*ahem*

And then this one...

"Dear Springer,

You are so Conservative! You know? Don't you, like, care?

Signed,
Jasmine Fluffinbutt

PS: To celebrate Earth Day, today I hand fed a deer. What did you do?"

To answer your last question first, Jasmine: For my Earth Day supper, I'm cooking up some deer! Yum!!! Then I'm going to crank up some Ted Nugent tunes and play along on my Strat.

Now to your first point...

One of the most irritating...okay, make that infuriating...things about this environmental stuff is this endless propensity by the Liberal Left to imply, insinuate, indeed even categorically state that they somehow are the only ones on the planet who care about the environment...or for that matter, anything at all. And that, by exclusion, everyone else who isn't similarly Liberal Left is some sort of heartless, selfish, ill begotten bastard...or worse, a Conservative.

Conservatives care a lot. In fact, we care so much that we take the time to actually listen to all sides of the debate on this global warming issue. And to that end, we don't let inane notions of political correctness get in our way.

We do this because we know, certainly from past experiences of Liberal Left crusades to stamp out whatever they perceive as iniquity at any price, there will be consequences, too often negative...not the least of which usually is pissing yet more billions of taxpayers' bucks into the proverbial crapper.

Conservatives, by their very nature, get more than a tad nervous when it becomes all too apparent that one side of a debate is getting stuffed up their tushes, and anyone with an opposing view can't get a word in edgewise for all the vicious yelling, name-calling and marginalizing being vomited upon them by the usual suspects on the left.

Let me give you one example of the kind of "environmentalism" I endorse: Ducks Unlimited. It's been around for a long time, and this organization has raised quite literally tens of billions of dollars in both Canada and the US for the cause of preserving wildlife habitat. In fact, they raise most of that money in the US, and spend the greater part of it in Canada because here is where the major breeding grounds are for migratory species.

I would venture to say that by far the great majority of the membership of DU are hunters. If you've never been to a DU fund raising event and banquet, then you've missed out on something incredibly special...and at times deeply moving. The generosity demonstrated at these gatherings is second to none anywhere. People, mostly hunters, putting their money where their mouths are for the cause of wildlife preservation in North America. And the works they have accomplished to that end are legendary and manifest across the continent.

And Ducks Unlimited is but one of a long list of organizations, manned predominantly by hunters, engaged in habitat and wildlife preservation and conservation across Canada and the US.

I, a hunter, don't need to be either told or treated like I'm some sort of blight on Canadian society because I happen to own firearms and engage in the fine sport and tradition of hunting.

There are damn few hunters and gun owners in this country who do not feel that exactly that has been heaped upon them.

...by yet another Liberal Left do-gooder crusade.

Oh, yeah...

Did I mention mushrooms?

Venison with lots of mushrooms!

Yum!!!

Happy Earth Day!

For my first ever "blog" I thought it appropriate to begin with an issue that's on everyone's minds of late: Global Warming.

Frankly, it's been going on since forever, it's cyclical, and there's not thing one we can do about it. All the guilt you can muster as you drive your SUV to the corner store for smokes and chips won't change a thing. Get over it.

Besides, my Canucks just blew game six, allowing Dallas to even up the series. Who can worry about climate we can't do a damn thing about when confronted with desperate times like this. Chucker sure picked a lousy time to ask me to cover his sorry ass while he's off gallivanting around America. He's probably swilling back martinis in some swanky hotel lounge right about now, not even remotely suspecting the seriousness of the situation.

But that's okay; a deal is a deal, and I intend to do my best for him, 'cause that's the kind of Harpermaniac I am.

In the mean time, I'm sure my wrists will heal.

So stay tuned, I'll shake this off, and come back tomorrow ready to get into it with thought provoking in-depth analysis and philosophical insights on things political.

Springer

Taking a break from saving the planet, Liberals in Ottawa are pushing the Conservative government to dictate the roster of Team Canada for the upcoming World Championship. Now, the motivation for this important Liberal petition is fairly run-of-the-mill. An NHL player slated for Team Canada was accused of making anti-french comments - an accusation that did not stand up after an NHL investigation. However, the incident has descended into the battle of the lawsuits when Denis "Hizbullah" Corderre made it an election issue in 2006, writing:

"You must know that when an athlete represents his country, his flag, he must also represent the values for which it stands."

Now, as far as racism is concerned, Mr. Corderre is on solid ground as a principle - though he was outraged on hearsay and his reputation for giggly vapidity makes his every utterance suspect. But I wonder how far he might like to take that? Certainly, we wouldn't want a climate change denier on Team Canada, would we? What if there was a player who thought private healthcare should be an option on the table? Maybe we create a checklist of political beliefs that players must hold in order to qualify for the team. Call it the Corderre Test.

Tories should welcome the precedent of the Canadian government being the final arbiter of who makes Team Canada. Few people in Canada could assemble a winning team as our hockey-hyper-expert, Prime Minister Harper. If Canadians think the fate of their hockey team rests in who we make Prime Minister, then Stephen Harper will be in the job for the next three decades.

Labels: Bad news for Tie Domi - that's for sure

Perfect weather and a desire to purchase affordable booze means that the Chuckercanuck family is taking a road trip to that perfect little state, New Hampshire. So, I will be intermittent in my posting until Tuesday evening. Fear not, reader who hungers for propaganda: I have invited a regular contributor to take over for the next few days and I think you'll get a kick out this west-coast Harpermaniac.

While this true-blue guest blogger gathers his thoughts, allow me to throw something out for discussion:

Ipsos
CPC 39%
Libs 29%

Just in case any of your Liberal friends forget to mention that one in their quest for "ever-tightening polls".

Labels: Have at 'er surprise guest blogger

Hat-tip to regular commenter Travii for this gem of an idea.

Midnight at Green Party headquarters. Organic, vegan-safe whiskey is making the rounds. Strategists are tired and frustrated from a marathon brain-storming session led by their ruthless leader, Elizabeth May.

May: Boys and Girls, stiffen up, we're almost done. Surely saving the planet is worth twenty more minutes before bed time.

Party Worker #1: But I told Lucy I'd meet her at the Le Diable swingers club by eleven. I'm already late.

May: Selfish pig! See why you guys got no where until I showed up.

Party Worker #2: Hey. I bought tickets to the Charlie Sheen lecture and I missed it. We were going to watch the 9/11 attacks over and over and over again. Don't lecture me on commitments.

May: Didn't you tivo that, idiot? Anyway. We're almost done. Let's do a recap. Why do we exist?

Party Worker #3: To keep the planet from exploding.

May: Exactly. This whole political party schtick is bullocks. I don't want to sit on some dullard finance committee - do you?

Party Worker #4: I can't even spell finance.

May: Exactly. But with the Tories in power, we can't rely on government to be a generous gusher of cash for our lobby groups anymore. That's why we use this political party schtick. Each vote gets us $1.75 - plenty of cash to keep a small cadre in the black while we milk other suckers for donations.

Party Worker #1: Its brilliant. We're not really a party. I'm not really a party worker - I'm still an Ottawa lobbyist. But know, my salary is safe from government cutbacks.

May taps her nose and smiles malevolently.

Party Worker #2: But we have to make it look good. People won't vote for us unless they think we want to be a real political party.

May: Exactly. So I run for a seat. But not a seat I have a chance at winning. I'm going to pick a seat where I have no chance. But I need plausible deniability.

Party Worker #3: Peter Mackay's riding. And it doesn't matter anyway, because we all want Stephane Dion to be Prime Minister. Heck, maybe we don't even run candidates in ridings to give Dion a bit of help.

May: Damn straight. The 2005 budget was the greenest budget in Canada's history.

Party Worker #2: But why then, in 2006, did you call Brian Mulroney the greenest PM? Wouldn't you think it was Paul Martin for that budget?

May: Details. No one's going to ask that question. Did you notice the media luuuuvs me?

Party workers giggle.

Party Worker #1: One problem with the plan. Us in this room may want Stephane Dion as PM, but polls show us that our voters prefer Stephen Harper by a long shot - they prefer him to you even, Lizzy.

May: You don't get it. Fuck our voters.

Labels: Travii the conspiracy guy seldom goes awry

Friday Morning Downer.

This week, I have found a new cause that has gripped my attention: human trafficking. It is my goal, through this blog and other activities, to make human trafficking the top social priority for the government and for our Conservative Party. A brief tour of the problem:

1) somewhere around 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders each year. It is a slave trade - the ugliest consequence of globalization - where women and children are used in the sex industry. The most significant outflux of slaves is Eastern Europe and the slavemasters are western criminal organizations. A gun is sold once. A drug is consumed once. A sex slave is a renewable resource, capable of turning tricks 20 times a day, 7 days a week, all year long.

2) sex slavery is a domestic blight as well. Criminal gangs prey on troubled girls and boys from distressed families, lure them with friendship, trap them with drug addictions and use them to satisfy an underground market for sex. I say underground but do not fool yourself: prostitution is not the older profession, its the oldest oppression.

3) sex slavery doesn't mean the slave always travels. Thousands of men criss-cross the globe each year for sex tourism. This market is largely for men who want to have sex with children. To illustrate, I am awarding the Chuckercanuck's first "Pride of Canada" award to Ernest MacIntosh.

This blog is supposed to be funny. Yesterday, I deviated because the official opposition want to play apologists for the Taliban regime. Today, I raise an issue that doesn't have a single joke in it. So, in the interest of keeping you political junkies hooked, allow me to explain why the issue of human trafficking should the the top social issue for the Conservative Party.

1) It will redefine social conservatism. Okay, not re-define, but re-cast. The problem with social conservatism is that we have allowed "L/liberals" to set the social agenda (EXCLUSIVELY abortion and same-sex marriage) and used it to demonize us. Human trafficking is an issue that will galvanize ordinairy Canadians across the political spectrum and re-inforce that true core of social conservatism: love of humanity and its dignity.

2) Liberals have a lurid record on this issue. Judy Sgro was not the first immigration minister to have a fast-track lap dance policy. There is no question: this policy aided and abeted human trafficking and sex slavery. Furtheremore, among their constituent demographics, this issue divides Liberals between those that will agree with Conservatives and those that believe "sex-is-good-ask-no-questions" - as you see on the CBC. (The CBC should not be putting Ron Jeremy on Newsworld shows. Not because Mr. Jeremy himself is evil, but because he comes from an industry that profits from sex slavery).

3) If Liberals are to accuse Conservative of being "Republicans", then we should turn that to our advantage. Let us be Republicans and fight the greatest fight Republicans ever fought: against slavery.

Labels: Human Trafficking is THE ISSUE

When the Liberals pretend to be responsible and human, they make half-clever criticisms of the NATO mission in Afghanistan, calling it "unfocused". Of course, if they only think about the mission after soldiers fall, perhaps the problem with focus is entirely theirs.



Today, the Grits waged jihad on the mission with such verve that surely had Kevin Potvin pumping his fists in the air and their newest candidate considering his next anti-western screed. Here are the highlights.

Liberal MP Colleen Baumier thought life under the Taliban was preferable to Afghanistan today:

"Under the previous U.S. backed Taliban there may have been oppression, but there was not fear for people's lives every single day because of suicide bombers."




Why mince words, Mrs. Beaumier, you are one sick pig. I guess your only problem with the military ads of 2006 was how positive a picture it paints of a Conservative government.

So, Jay Hill calls the Taliban evil and compared them to the Nazis. But manning the Taliban defenses is Hizbullah-sympathizer and Liberal MP, Denis Corderre:



"This is outrageous....How dare he say that."



Apparently, Denis Corderre never saw an execution he didn't like. Here's one Mr. Corderre could set as his wallpaper to remind him who his friends are.





Why play soccer when you can execute, maim and massacre?










I have no delusions. Canadians will recoil at the revolting statements that Liberals make. Liberals make them not because they actually love the Taliban, but for two reasons. (1) Nothing matters except power; (2) there is only one evil on this planet and it is America. Or, if we are to dilute point (2), the only evil on this planet are all white men. White men are so evil, that Liberals cheer a regime that won't just not meet a 33% women candidates rule, but will make women vanish from society. Whatever the motivation, it is amorality at its pinnacle.

Still, in case you forgot. Here is a brief refresher course on who the Taliban are and what the Liberals want to re-install in Afghanistan.

Oh yeah, here's the destruction of the ancient Bhuddas cut from a mountain-side. Blown up by the Taliban as sacrilege. This was before the "beautiful" 9/11 - the moment when I first said, "jeez, these lunatics shouldn't be in charge of a pig pen." Responsibility to protect - how the Liberals have fallen.

Labels: Oh wait - Karlheinz Schreiber is soooo much bigger news

I know I'm late with the Senate reform stuff and the fun news that Senator-elect Brown will finally get the nod to join the chamber of sobre second thought. Normally, I would skip past to the hottest news in town (e.g., Kyoto kills Kanada's economy, duh). But Stephane Dion's reaction should not be glossed over.

Cardinal Dion has declared Senator-elect Brown unfit and unqualified for Senate. Obviously, had Mr. Brown worked on a few more Liberal campaigns, he would, a la Denis Dawson, qualify.

No matter. Alberta ran an election for senate. The people voted and selected Mr. Brown. Stephane Dion rejects this expression of democratic will. (Cue Andrew Coyne's musings about how Stephane Dion can become Prime Minister.)

Since MPs play a more important role in our government than senators, so let me ask:

If a fellow who objects to the citizens choice of senators and objects to the concept of giving citizens that choice - why wouldn't he have the same objections to choosing MPs? My guess is that he would.

Labels: Democracy is so tedious

Given the upcoming showdown on Afghanistan (more on this later today), my timing might be off.

However, I have road-tested a couple of ideas for the next campaign that have scored with a number of people across the political spectrum. I will not divulge them publicly.

So, if you are a Tory campaign strategist or MP who is reading this blog, please email me:

torynuck@yahoo.ca

I would like to forward my ideas to people who can throw them into the campaign planning mix. They will win Quebec and help us storm urban ridings. I promise.

Labels: make sure you use .ca and not .com

As a public service to those who cannot ably use YouTube, the following is the transcript of the Liberal Ads that point out Stephane Dion is a leader.

Voice: In December 2005, Stephane Dion showed leadership.

(cue picture of industrial gulag)

Voice: They said it he couldn't do it. Who's they? Well, people who know him, particularly cabinet colleagues, but Liberal party workers generally. No one else cared or noticed.

(cue Stephane Dion gabbing with folks who recycle soft drink bottles as eyewear)

Voice: Stephane Dion was president of a UN conference on climate change. Why was he president? Did they elect him? Did conference participants demand it? No. It was convention that the host country's environment minister act as president. Obviously, no democratic or merit-based mechanism would conclude with Stephane Dion as president. Still, he was president.

(cue Stephane Dion sitting with a bunch of people sitting around the table under the UN logo. Cut the sound because we don't want people hearing the discussion which centred on whether to go to Gibby's or Moishe's for lunch.)

Voice: Stephane Dion could have been working on the out-of-control growth in Canada's GHG emissions at the time, but it was much more pleasant to be surrounded by like-minded UN talker-types.

(cue Stephane Dion doing more talking - make sure there are women in the picture to remind people he likes women, even if he won't run a single one in a safe Liberal riding in Quebec)

Voice: Bravely, Mr. Dion managed to get 182 countries to agree to an ambitious program to fight climate change: they would meet again in Nairobi and talk some more. Maybe this time, they would talk so much there would no longer be any carbon dioxide emissions for them to expel.

(cue Stephane Dion striking a gavel and cheering the mandate to talk some more)

Voice: Meanwhile, those countries have all listened to Stephane Dion's message. For example, China has said, "suck rotten eggs" and has launched a frenzy of coal-plant building. Stephane Dion himself has followed his own leadership, releasing a baker's dozen of plans to attack climate change. Thanks to his brave leadership, he promises to release more plans in the near future and do a lot more talking. But let's no forget the sweetest fruit of his leadership.

(cue Stephane Dion and Elizabeth May walking hand in hand along the Old Port of Montreal)

Voice: He's found a friend.

Labels: Don't get too cocky - Booger wins at the end of Revenge of the Nerds

Yann Martel, author of the memorable Life of Pi, has undertaken a clever gimmick. Every two weeks, he plans to send the Prime Minister a book that Mr. Martel believes Mr. Harper should read. The idea is to get the Prime Minister thinking more of culture.

Mr. Martel is worried that insufficient attention is being paid to culture by governments – well, probably just Tory barbarians. Translation: I’m not getting enough cash! Send more cash to me! How dare the government not pad my pad and plump my lifestyle!

In the good old days, talented artists had patrons. Italian merchants, Austrian nobility – all sorts of people looking to show off their power and demonstrate their culture – gave creative people stipends to make masterpieces. We have inherited a bounty thanks to that practice.

In the good but not so old days, artists accepted the concept of art of art’s sake. They starved while churning out startling works that could shake societies and revolutionize our thinking.

Today, artists feel entitled to life on the government dole. A government committee decrees who is and who isn’t producing art based on a 20 point criteria and blind taste tests. Then, it’s a life of lazy afternoons producing sterile fictionalizations of NDP pamphlets.

Somewhere in this country, there must be an artist – just one – who thinks the concept of government funded art is scary and unnatural. Think about it grant-hungry friends: government funded is but a stone-skip away from government controlled.

Labels: Yeah - Telefilm has really done us wonders

Dear Mr. Duceppe,

As a Quebecker, I know Jacques Parizeau. And believe me, you are NO Jacques Parizeau.

Quebec City is to celebrate its 400th birthday next year. Do you know the city? I suppose from the felt flats of the plateau, that city seems a foreign place of barbarians, since the Prime Minister is much more legitimately a leader for that city than you are. Perhaps that explains the appaling crudeness of your behaviour regarding the coming celebrations.

Your advice to our Queen who plans to attend: stay home, you archaic symbol. To make matters worse, you play the vulgar gossip columnist by suggesting she should be busy attending to her grandson's love life.

Here's a lesson about Quebec, you disconnected boob: Quebeckers, separatist, federalist and autonomist, are not rude, mean-spirited people. I would happily wager a paycheck that your petty pseudo-snub will repulse a great many more Quebeckers than it will attract. I'll put a second paycheck on a bet that says separatists themselves find your unnecessary hostility to the Queen's attendance to be an embarassment.

No matter. Quebec City will do as it pleases. The Queen will come and the people of that jewel on the St-Lawrence will greet her with a warmth and excitement they could never muster for you.

Yours most combatively,

Chuckercanuck

Labels: Now if it was Queen instead of The Queen - he'd do a 180

We interrupt - well, nothing really - to marvel at the Mel Brooks type insurgency currently gripping the Liberal Party.

On one side, we have Ralph or Ray or Ronnie Heard - some ancient cook who has just mastered email in time to send savage emails to anyone who will listen. In his recent email, he tells us:

1) Stephane Dion is the emperor without clothes and forces are gathering covertly within the party to dump him as soon as possible.
2) Paul Wells, the egomaniac, can't swim because his head is too large and heavy (a fairly credible accusation).
3) Scott Reid is a thug (even more credible than accusation #2).
4) Jason Cherniak is a moron for calling Mr. Heard a nicumpoop.

Jason Cherniak has taken up the fight by, Scott Reid style, refusing to fight. In his posting, the deputy leader of Digital Democracy mistakes his blog for his lava life account and refers to himself as the strong, silent type. (Yes, he referred to himself as silent!)

But the most laughable part of Cherniak's non-response:

He likens himself to Israel during the Gulf War - stoically resisting any reaction to madman Saddam Hussein's skud attacks. Cherniak = Israel, Heard = Hussein. Personally, I had hoped he would refer to himself as Frodo Baggins, resisting the call of Sauron and the ring. Or maybe, Jesus, accepting 40 lashes instead of accepting claims of his falsehood. Is Jason Cherniak bigger than Jesus? Stay tuned to find out!

Labels: NBC plans to cast Constanza in the role of Cherniak

Long running thesis: Liberals and separatists have an interdependent relationship where one's political vigour depends directly on the vigour of the other. In other words, if separatists cease to be an active force in Canadian politics, the Liberals lose a major calling card to the benefit of the most evil force in history: Tories.

Polling results today in the Montreal Gazette provide some insight into why the Liberals want the Bloc Quebecois to remain on the federal scene. If the Bloc Quebecois disappeared and Quebec were asked to chose between the remaining federal players, guess what would happen?

Tories would vault to 41% support in Quebec - only in Alberta would Tories be more popular. "Come again?" the old man asks. Well, the province of orgies, wacky cults and democratic communism would choose Albertan hordes to lead the federal government by a margin of almost 2 to 1. Here's another bit for your amusement: the NDP would be in a statistical tie with the Liberals for second place. Maybe the Liberals aren't so crazy for being desperate to squeeze the NDP out of federal politics.

Not really off-topic but still a non-sequiter:

Liberals are still huffing over appointing a one-time separatist to head an inquiry on polling contracts awarded (to Earnescliffe) during the Liberal tenure. During that same tenure, the Liberals appointed a separatist to be a director of Telefilm - she even represented Canada at international conferences and meeetings. "Come again?" the old man asks a second time. I know, I know. Liberals can appoint separatists. No one else can. Separatists can't perform inquiries over internal Canadian matters. But separatists can represent Canada in international affairs.

Labels: This tuesday I have a hat-trick of posts planned

Whenever David Suzuki - or other "leading" climate change activists - jets across the planet, he plants some trees as a carbon offset. The aim here is to balance the carbon emissions by planting those miracles of nature that soak up carbon and give off harmless oxygen in exchange.

Sadly, the Economist reports on a recent study by Govindasamy Bala & colleagues that suggests the affect of trees on the climate is just a tad more complicated than our planet saving friends assumed. The research group from the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory - let's call them "top climate change scientists" - discovered that clear-cutting all the trees on the planet might actually cool the planet down. How?

Being dark in colour, trees generally absorb the sun's heat much more than the same surface if covered by grasses or, even better, highly reflective snow.

Now, apart from straight-ahead photosynthesis, trees help by sweating. They suck up groundwater and release water vapors which form more clouds. Clouds then reflect the heat of the sun back out of the atmosphere.

So: photosynthesis cools, transpiration cools but light absorption heats. Dr. Bala and his team developed climate models which took these more complicated considerations into account so that he could model the earth's climate with radical changes to the surface flora. The results were a paradox: if the world's forests were replaced by grasslands - get this - carbon dioxide levels would double but the temperature of the planet would cool because of increased reflectivity.

To be fair - the study concludes that cutting tropical rainforests (the cloud makers) has a net warming effect whereas cutting boreal forests (the light absorbers) has a net cooling effect. Its not quite as perfect as Lorne Gunter would want it.

But let's not lose sight of the bottom line: the world's climate is more complex, subtle and unknown than many folks would have us believe. Pipe dreams do not create the best investment vehicles on the planet - hybrid or not. And if Stephane Dion wants to save the planet, he should recommend the obvious - clear cut Canada from sea to sea to sea.

Labels: Krushing Kyoto Kredibility

Sure, Kevin Potvin has been shunned for his 9/11 death fetish, but the set of ideas that he represents remain a vigorous part of the Green Liberal Party. As police and emergency workers continued to sift through the slaughter at Virginia Tech, Liberals were here, there and everywhere exploiting the tragedy for political gain without a pause to grieve the loss. A sampling:

Local psychopath and Dion-May-Orchard booster, Joe Green, reacted this way in a thread on my very own blog:

"Well Chucker, I am wondering which University Campus in Canada your buddies over at the NRA are going to select for a Virgina style mass killing as has taken place in Virginia this morning.You right wing fuckheads are all about murder and mayhem."

Over at Calgary Grit, there is a regular Liberal booster, Jimtan, who had this to say:

"News Flash! 31 dead in Virginia shooting. Gun control is still an issue. What’s harper doing? He’s not enforcing the gun registry while spending $1b to arm border guards. What’s the point of stiffer sentences when people are already die or maimed. "

And an anonymous Liberal at Canadian Cerberus echoed Jimtan's probity:

"More proof that just jail isn't the answer - we have to figure out how to deal with the kids before they feel this way.There was a 14 girl hurt by a swarm of teenagers in BC this weekend. There's so much bullying - schoolyards and internet.Perhaps Harper should stop bullying - it sure doesn't give a good example."

That's right: the mass murder at Virginia Tech, the massacre of students, the stomach-turning violence is Stephen Harper's fault.

Here's the thing. The Globe & Mail's lead editorial argues against having an election now. For part of the argument, it characterizes the idea that Stephen Harper is "beholden to extremists in his party" and therefore Canadians should not trust his government with a majority. If that logic holds, then the more frightening extremists reside in the Liberal party as these folks think of human life as valuable only in as much as it furthers their political aims. Therefore, Liberals should be kept as far from power as democratically possible. Meanwhile, Liberals should spend less time rooting out "backroom strategists" who don't like Stephane Dion and more time rooting out wack-jobs whose perverted ideologies happily coincide with Liberal rhetoric.

Labels: Its my pulpit and I'll condemn if I want to

For all of 72 hours, Stephane Dion was popular in Quebec. Having toppled Liberal giants at the Leadership Convention, ordinary Quebeckers couldn’t help but have a warm fuzzy for the gangly geek that could. Then, Mr. Dion took great pains to remind Quebeckers how loathable he is – topping the charts this weekend with his predictable reaction to Mario Dumont’s gesture of constitutional goodwill. I had predicted that Stephane Dion would side with separatists to obstruct any talk of constitutional settlement but I hadn’t expected him to be so quick off the mark. Not that Mr. Dion agrees with the separatists, it’s that he opposes them with perfect symmetry: whereas Ottawa on all issues is an incompetent Hannibal Lecter to separatists; to Mr. Dion and his Green-Liberals, Ottawa is Canada’s Rome and the Prime Minister an infallible Pope. Well, at least if he were PM. So we get two incompatible visions perennially at odds with no one benefiting except the visionaries and the visionaries’ bankers.

Mr. Dion’s main point of contention is that more important things need to be done than constitutional wrangling. Let’s reverse the order he presented these “more important things”:

1) Social Justice. Well, no one has a bloody clue what this means. Let’s hope that “social justice” doesn’t mean cheering the sight of a passenger-jet full of innocent people being hurtled into buildings. But as of this weekend, we have every right to worry.
2) Climate change. Blah, blah, blah. I’ll simply mention to Mr. Dion that unlike him, there are lots of leaders capable of handling multiple files at once. Acid Rain and Meech Lake and GST and Free Trade. Brian Mulroney was not Gandalf, Mr. Dion, he just worked hard.
3) Economic Competitiveness. This was his first concern – but the lie here is that, like it or not, Quebec is still a huge chunk of Canada. This province will always lag in investment and employment so long as we are months away from a constitutional crisis. And if you read the Toronto media, there is nothing that doesn’t have the potential to trigger a constitutional crisis. It’s entirely insincere to pretend that the Liberal-Separatist game of the past generation hasn’t been hugely damaging to Quebec’s economy and Canada’s by turn. Just ask the Bank of Montreal based in Toronto.

Mr. Dion’s other line of attack is that he wants Stephen Harper to state “clearly” exactly what changes the Prime Minister would make to the constitution or to arrangements between the federal and provincial governments. This is a recipe for disaster – a situation Mr. Dion wants to precipitate, of course – but thankfully, Mr. Harper is Bernard Landry so Stephane Dion can’t trip him up so easily. Declare the outcome of negotiations before those negotiations begin and they are instantly stillborn. Anyway, Stephen Harper hasn’t even commented on Mr. Dumont’s significant gesture, so as with the budget, we see Mr. Dion opposing Stephen Harper before he knows what exactly he’s opposing.

Labels: And Dion told people to vote for Dumont???

Separated at birth? You decide. To me, this should give everyone pause - even the Kevin Potvin, "9/11 was a beautiful mass slaughter / US government orchestrated act", set.

See, afterall, it is all about oil!

Labels: British Petroleum is the new Halliburton

Dear friends on the lunatic fringe of the extreme right where the bulk of Canada's voters seem headed:

We should never lose time in framing the debate. Having watched Question Period today - an opportunity I normally forgo - I'm reminded that modern media is a 24/7 operation where journalists spoon feed one another horribly trite tripe and then broadcast said junk like a reckless Clairol commercial.

It is important that we spend a minute considering two things: (1) The non-existent credibility of Elizabeth May on the environment; (2) The dumbfounding vapidity of Stephane Dion's concern for the environment.

(1) Elizabeth May's non-existent credibility on the environment

a. Elizabeth May has never done anything to improve the environment anywhere. She has enjoyed a cushy job promoting "environmental awareness" but could not point to a single accomplishment - and judging from her travel schedule this past week, she likely has a carbon footprint that puts us all to shame.

b. In her own words, she was Brian Mulroney's biggest opponent when that man was PM. It was only decades later that she realized he was the best Prime Minister the environment's ever had. She has no sense of what's going on at the time and her own judgement of current events is seriously flawed. When she attacks Stephen Harper, we should translate this as: Stephen Harper is the best PM the environment has ever had.

c. Elizabeth May has hitched her wagon to an environment minister who won a fossil award for non-achievement. To a political party whose main legacy on the environment is a disaster and whose Kyoto commitments were an inside joke when they were signed. Stephane Dion has had more environmental plans than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Some days, he supports a carbon tax, other days he doesn't. So not only has she accomplished nothing, ever, she has aligned herself with a party that has accomplished nothing, ever and has no clue as to what it wants to accomplish in the future.

d. Elizabeth May doesn't seem to understand the climate change issue. She constantly frames it as humanity destroying the planet. The planet is not at risk. The biosphere, in the long sweep of time, is not at risk. If anything, humanity is at risk. Does Elizabeth May think the planet will explode? We don't know. We know she worries about the planet. Am I quibbling? Well, if I am ever rushed to a hospital with chest pains, I sure want to know that my doctor isn't fretting about my liver.

(2) The dumbfounding vapidity of Stephane Dion's concern for the environment

Paul Wells "bravely" explains away Stephane Dion's deal with May as "principled". He truly believes that the planet is on the verge of getting swallowed into a climate change black-hole. And so, he puts the planet ahead of his party.

How noble. Oops. Iggy stole all my "igs". How ignoble. No matter how deeply fried and beer-battered bullshit is, it is still bullshit. Daily, Stephane Dion tells Canada that he doesn't want an election but Stephen Harper is itching for one. I've said this before, but its worth repeating:

If the planet is at stake, the very least Stephane Dion could do is push for an election. If the election of Stephane Dion is what stands between civilizational doom and survival, then Stephane Dion's unwillingness to trigger an election is treason at best, manslaughter at worst.

We are all going to die because Stephane Dion doesn't want an election this spring.

Or, we could reject Paul Wells' thesis and conclude as I did: the coating smells good - seasoned, oily, lovely - but bite into that crock and you'll find its a gooey core of bullshit.

Labels: Al Franken - BS and the BS Bsers who are BSing

The Liberal mole has sent me an advance copy of a joint press conference between Stephane Dion and Doug Henning. Yes, that Doug Henning. It seems the Natural Law Party is back in action and ready to help bind progressive Canadians together in a never-before imagined united Left.

Stephane Dion:
The other day, I explained that Stephen Harper is destroying the planet. Today, I am here to say that Stephen Harper is destroying our spiritual world as well. Since Mr. Harper has taken power, there have been no mass meditations, no displays of levitation and Canadian karma has sunk to record lows. Were Gaia to pass judgement on our collective, we would return in the next life as ragweed. All because of Stephen Harper.

I am not alone in my revulsion for Stephen Harper. And where I find like-minded people whose hostility towards him resembles something like lions for christians, I will make common cause. That is why I announce today that the Liberal party will not be running a candidate against the leader of the Natural Law Party, Doug Henning. Sadly, this means that Bob Rae will have to win another nomination in another riding. Still, I think we can all agree this is a great day for Canada and a great day for God.

Doug Henning:
In order to do my part of this announcement, I need a volunteer from the audience. You, madam, will you kindly step up on stage and into this box. We've never met before, correct? Okay, now, as I fasten locks to this box and plunge these very sharp swords into it, let me tell you why the Natural Law Party has decided to contest this election on the behalf of the Liberal party.

Basically, I met Stephane Dion last week and thought he was a nifty guy. He does a neat trick where his glasses fog up and he pretends to be blind. I knew we would hit it off then. The Natural Law Party thinks Canada is using only a fraction of the spiritual energy it could harvest from the auras of its citizens. I know Stephane Dion and the Liberal Party agree entirely. Working with my Liberal colleagues, I am pretty sure we could build my newest invention, the Henning Auranator. For every passer-by whose life spirit gets vacuumed up by the Auronator, we can generate enough electricity to power a house. For now, these machines are real pigs when it comes to GHG emissions, but we're working on it. We also plan to develop a joint Positive Attitude Fund where the federal government will invest in programs that foster a positive attitude in citizens. Positive thinking will save us in the end.

To demonstrate how serious Mr. Dion and I are about our tag team, I will open this box and you'll see its empty. Our brave audience participant has vanished to the netherworld where she will never have to deal with Stephen Harper again.

Labels: I prefer my rabbits in mustard sauce - not top hats

Thank you mecheng for calling our attention to this astonishing comment from Mario Dumont.

Astonishing not for its substance or direction, but the speed with which Mario Dumont delivered the statement. Apparently, Mario Dumont is as focused and certain of what he wants to achieve as the current resident of 24 Sussex drive.

Short-cut for the lazy reader: Mario Dumont thinks Quebec should sign the constitution. If the federal government is open to negotiating a structural change to the tax system that makes it a better match with the jurisdictional responsibilities of the provinces and the feds, then Quebec should correct "the error of 1982" and sign Canada's constitution.

The seperatists will be convulsing over this. So long as the ruling dynamic of Canada has been Liberal-Separatist, the separatists have largely controlled the political symbols of the country. Liberals have happily played along with the separatists and no Quebec politicians has had the courage to suggest that not signing the constitution was a largely useless shin-kicking exercise. In the demented backlash that will come from the Fissure Quebecois and the Parti Quebecois* (*except Quebec City, Western Montreal, Gatineau, southwest Quebec, Estrie and the Beauce), the separatists will further alienate themselves from Quebec from clinging to a symbol that means nothing to anyone.

The Quebec Liberals will be trumped and shame-faced. Always afraid of being painted as Ottawa's party in Quebec, they make a great show of their nationalist creds and wouldn't go near the constitution if it were the last piece of paper on Earth. To pervert Shakespeare, the Liberal show is full of sound and fury but it too, like the PQ, signifies nothing.

So why did I declare this yet another game won in the great Chuckercanuck-National (Toronto) Punditocracy match up?

Because we were told by our political shephards that Stephen Harper would find in Mario Dumont a great difficult. The Action Democratique would rip new wounds in the confederation in its blind power grab for Quebec. Chuckercanuck, on the other hand, called this analysis as clever as the plot to Return of the Living Dead - Rave to the Grave. [which I did rent last night and even gore-friendly teenagers will be embarassed watching it.]

As I said before: Quebeckers did not vote to have a provincial government blame Ottawa for every problem the province has and waste entire mandates mud-wrestling with the federal government. Mario Dumont knows this. He knows that Quebeckers voted him in to do what Jean Charest never managed - saving Quebec from its own worst instincts. But this was entirely missed by our friends up the 401 who seem more familiar with Waziristan than Quebec. Or, maybe they're more interested in wishful thinking than thoughtful analysis.

Quebec is entering a golden age. As goes Quebec, so goes Canada.

Labels: Super Mario - the constitutional plumber

Like many of you, I have been figuring out all the complications and permutations of the stunning May-Dion axis that has now emerged to steamroll the Tories out of government. For example, by any normal standard, the Green Party would not be allowed to participate in any debates. But, being a charitable lot, many Canadians under intense media pressure were prepared to the let the Green Party participate. Now, that's clearly impossible since the Green Party is just an extension of the Liberal Party: the al-quaeda wing, as we discovered yesterday. It would be obscenely unfair to let the Liberal Party have two debaters in the debate. Just imagine those segments where they debate one-on-one against each other...

May: Well, I think you're pretty hunky.
Dion: My wife will kill me, but I'd plough into an office tower for you.
May: I think you can save the planet.
Dion: Only with you by my side, Lizzy.
May: Clinton said he thought you were nice.
Dion: He said that? Oh! My! God! I'm going to flip out. Really? Are you pulling my leg?
May: I swear. I have it on my blackberry.
Dion: Okay, show me.
May: Here, look.
Mansbridge: No props please.
Dion: Its not a joke! He really said that! I'm on cloud nine. (proceeds to sing "I feel pretty" from West Side Story).

Well, I have solved that problem.

Labels: Oh and we have to make the debates 4 hours long

I have been racking my brain to turn this into a funny post - parody, sarcasm, bawdy-humour - but it is impossible. Kevin Potvin is a sick freak. There is no other description that fits this man. I challenge anyone - please - to find a way to respond to his cheering the murder of 3,000 people with anything that can trigger even a giggle.

This is the new Liberal party. A schlerotic version of the old - gone is any semblance of national responsibility, but still here is its craven need for power at any cost. It is willing to attach itself to the most ugly human emotions in order to collect a few more votes in a few more ridings.

To the few Liberals who do read this blog: what the hell are you thinking? How badly have you wrecked your moral compasses that you should make partnership with perversion? In fairness, you could be a little boulverse as we say in a land now entirely estranged from you, Quebec. But the cheerleading does go on from the guiding lights of your party. Progressive means hoping for a pile of dead white guys? God forbid Canada should ever see a terrorist calamity on our soil - but if it happens, will you join your progressive, Green brethren in ulalating ecstatically? Its almost shocking to have to remind you - 25 Canadians died on 9/11 - their families still suffer even though your deputy leader considers them a circus sideshow. At least demeaning them is better than openly lauding their suffering.

In Stephane Dion, we are seeing a man whose wimpiness is not simply a pathetic personal tragedy but a serious liability for Canada - even as opposition leader. In Elizabeth May, we have a fringe figure with no credibility on her one issue and a scornful lunacy on virtually all others. No amount of fawning media will protect these two from the common sense of ordinairy Canadians. Ohhhh, I used the devil's words, "common sense". Common sense. Common sense. Let the revolution return!

Liberal Canada is a sick, revolting, dog-eat-dog (actually, dog suicide bombs dog) place. But thankfully, it is a place that exists in history and dreams. Liberal Canada is dead.

Labels: Take my "make this funny" challenge - please

My readers are a demanding lot, I know. So, I spent last night calling up my contacts to get an early reaction to the deal between the Liberal Party and Green Party to not field candidates against their respective leaders. For your information:

Green Party Activist
Today, I feel like a joke. Why did I bother working my ass off to build a party that, at the end of the day, is just the Liberal party. My mom called me up last night laughing – “didn't you start the Green party under Liberal rule – what’s the point if Liberal rule is all we need to solve the problem?”

Central Nova Liberal Activist
So there’s no Liberal party in this riding anymore? You know, I’m all for parachuting in some superstar from Halifax – maybe Ashley McIsaac or somebody. But parachuting another party in? Are they brain-dead over in Ottawa? Do they expect me to work for Mrs. May? Do they think that little country boy is such a sheep he’ll just go out and vote for the Green party? 2 + 2 does not equal 4. Sometimes, it makes only 3. And I’ll be happy to make that point to those arrogant SOBs in Ottawa. Grassroots rejuvenation my arse.

Gerard Kennedy
This is all about party renewal. I’m very excited. Afterall, by reducing the number of ridings we run candidates in, it makes it easier for me to meet that 33% threshold of woman candidates. Besides, what are we doing wasting money in rural ridings anyway?

Urban Ontario Liberal Activist
Errrr. So we aren’t a national party anymore? The NDP and the Tories run candidates in every riding, but the Liberals and the Bloc Quebecois don’t? This doesn’t strike me as particularly smart. And just month ago, I was cheering that we got rid of that evil socon Tom Wappel. But we have an anti-abortionist back in the fold? We really are a bunch of hypocrites. And does this mean we are against free trade again? I’m so confused, my head is spinning.

National Pundit & member of the Church of Dion
This move by Stephane Dion proves what we’ve been telling you all along: Mr. Dion may be the smartest, canniest man ever born – if we could orchestrate a coup and put him in charge of a puppet regime, we would. But we’re afraid of guns and so are left to cross our fingers that the GG will do it for us. Today is a day to congratulate the magnificence of Stephane Dion and ourselves for the incredible shrewdness of our political thought.

Darth Turner
With this coup de grace, one thing is clear: Bow to Me Liberals, Your Empire is Mine! Mu-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA. Today the Liberal Party. Tomorrow, all of Milton! Mu-HA-Ha-Ha-ha-hee-hee-hee-hee-Ha-Ha-Ho-ho-ho-hee-Ha-Ha!

Labels: Green is the new Red

Poor Gilles Duceppe, if the terrific incompetence of Stephane Dion wasn't eclipsing all else in opposition-land, half-keen pundits would be writing his obituary. Okay, perhaps that's expecting too much from our bleary-eyed intelligentsia, but the writing is scrawled large on the walls of Parliament: at some point, even Mr. Scarecrow tiptoes 'round the curtain and sees how utterly phony the Wizard of Mercier truly is.

There is no such thing as a Bloc Quebecois. Mr. Duceppe, as with his predecessors, could never speak for Quebec. When he pretended to do so, everyone east of the Ottawa River cracked-up while everyone west of the Ottawa River fretted nervously of the nation's crack-up. What rallied separatists to the BQ flag was the hope that somehow this party could pave the way for a separate Quebec where marshmellows grew on trees and every was the Marquis de Something. So, you could get separatists to accept whatever policy delusions Mr. Duceppe championed because none of it mattered so long as a fleur-de-lys passport was at the end of the yellow-bricked road.

The trickery works so long as Liberals run the show. Here, the separatists are doing a tango with a partner they know intimately; as I've explained ad nauseum, Liberals and separatists are the equivalent of the alligator and alligator bird - each needing the other for survival. But once Stephen Harper becomes the dominant federalist force - Mr. Duceppe's two-step started looking wooden and off-beat.

In the 2006 election, Gilles Duceppe cleverly attacked cowboys and Calgary. Afterall, in the effete, artsy corners of Montreal, cowboys are only cool when they are having sex with each other. But the man was so out of touch with Quebec, so disconnected from the country he wants to make, he had no idea that Quebeckers by and large love cowboys, country music and Albertan culture. They love hopping onto a Westjet flight for a ski week in Banff. They love spending Saturday night getting drunk in a square dance hall. They love singing Shania Twain in the shower.

The coup de grace, however, was the United Canada resolution. A party whose sole purpose is to dismantle Canada was voting unanimously for a United Canada. Despite Jim Traverse and Jeffrey Simpson's best efforts, the effect was completely demoralizing for the separatist forces.

But the embarassments continued. A week before the Quebec election, Mr. Quebec was assuring us that the Parti Quebecois was headed for a majority government. Sure, bluster and bravado are fine things, but when they make you sound like a character from a JRR Tolkine trilogy, you've got to realize the jig is up.

Well, the jig is up. Louise Thibault may not be Belinda Stronach, but her departure delivers a more fatal verdict on her party's fortunes. Still an unrepentent separatist, Madame Thibault has decided that other issues are now too important to suppress in hopes of becoming Quebec's Ambassador to Guadeloupe. What issues would those be? Oh, same-sex marriage. She wanted to vote against her party and against SSM but succumbed to the threats and intimidation that Mr. Duceppe's inner sanctum issued. No longer.

Side note. I am a Tory who supports SSM and fits very comfortably within the great Tory tent. But I have long argued that Quebec is not nearly as "progressive" as Liberals and the Liberal clingers-on try to pretend. Assuming every Bloc vote is a progressive vote is, well, you know what they say about assuming things. I am pleased to remind you that my Quebec insights tend to be spot on, all the time. Waiting for my column, Mr. Demille - er, Black.

Labels: Belinda is a blip - Louise is the big cheez

Yesterday, the Tories fulfilled another promise by launching an inquiry into polling contracts dolled out during the Liberal years.

According to media syncophants and the Liberals, this is a shameful smear and "witch hunt" as Stephane Dion said.

As for the need for the inquiry, Warren Kinsella lays the case out better than I would. So let's spend some time together marvelling at the Liberal reaction more generally.

One. Pretend you were Stephane Dion for a minute. No, that doesn't mean race to your burrow because you think a squirrel is approaching. An image of yourself is congealing in the national mindset: an angry, dogmatic wimp with nothing but empty platitudes on display in your shop window. Along comes an issue that drops in your lap that you think is patently ridiculous. Does it make any sense to react with your usual hissy-fit manner? Isn't there anyone offering you some image make-over advice? "Hey Stephane, chill. If you know this is a bullshit inquiry, laugh it off. Don't call it a "witch hunt" - call it joke. Say something like, "what will the Tories investigate next? Consulting contracts awarded by Louis St-Laurent?" You could even segue nicely into "this does nothing to stop global warming" blather. Instead, you re-inforce what we already know about you.

Two. Despite Paul Wells' assurances - if the national mindset hasn't totally concluded that Mr. Dion shouldn't run a local Legion hall, let alone Canada, Quebeckers are sure convinced. Scan the Journal de Montreal and the everyone's talking about how dissatisfied LIBERALS are with Mr. Dion's disastrous leadership. On Montreal's only french talk radio station, the illustrious Denise Bombardier was particularly scathing this morning. She said two fun things: (1) never in Canada's history have the Liberals appeared so far from power; (2) no one ever really wanted Stephane Dion as leader of the party in the first place. He only won because the two front-runners / former roommates hated each other so passionately they torpedoed one another. (Yes, but Madame Bombardier, the pundits told us Stephane Dion was a political supernova.

Three. The strategy for attacking the inquiry's head as a "separatist" is utterly stupid and belies yet another hidden agenda of the Liberal Party.

A) if you want to tell everyone how divisive the Tories are, you should probably hold back on being divisive yourself.

B) Will the Liberals push to have separatists removed from other government jobs? Particularly, Radio-Canada. Will they be consistent in their demands for federalist purity? Because if you remove all the separatists from Radio-Canada: there won't be a soul left in the whole building.

C) Canadians - tax-payers and law-abiders - are entitled to be treated equally by their government. That would seem to me the spirit of the Charter of Rights, no? If there are a class of citizens that Liberals feel should be excluded from appointments: let them state it now. For example, should evangelical Christians be allowed to hold government appointments? Do the Liberals support a fair-weather Charter of Rights? This is no trivial matter. Citizens have a right to know what the FORMER natural governing party would do to enshrine this new multi-class set of rights and how to enforce it. Will there be a Vice and Virtue police ensuring that government workers adhere to a 10 commandment type belief system in order to keep their jobs?

Labels: He may be a wimp but he will strip you of your rights in a flash

I was plenty pissed the other day that my updated Newfie jokes hurt no feelings and caused no uproar. But the outrage came - and not months later as we recently saw with the Dion ads, just days later. The highlights of the backlash are this:

"Closet Liberal" says I am a racist (full confession: I am. I have an all-consuming loathing for Finnish people). And I'm an asshole. Then, to make his clever point, he makes fun of "frogs". This is perfectly logical: if a black person says something that offends you, go out and gay bash! If a woman says something offensive - counter it with some jew-baiting!

Commenter "Jay" begins by calling me a cunt and implies violence with a wish to have me near him (although, from the photo on his profile, you can see that his vegan diet means he likely struggles to pull himself out of a chair, let alone beat someone up). He later calls my jokes "hate speech" and shares a teary story of being gang-banged in Calgary for being a "newfie".

Well, prick me and I do bleed. I am senstitive to my rapidly growing readership's sensitivities. So, I have re-jigged my newfie jokes to scrub them free of hate speech. Enjoy. (And no, "re-jigged" is not a hate-pun directed at the scrumptious jig's dinner).

How Many Liberals Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
We don't actually know the answer to this question because the Tory government cut funding to the research committee charged with answering just that. Its the kind of basic science that Canada needs to do in order to be competitive in the 21st century. Stephen Harper is a catastrophe for Canada and our economy will falter until we know exactly how many Liberals it takes to change a lightbulb. Rest assured, a Stephane Dion government would put the monies into the necessary research and we will have an answer.

Why did the Liberal Cross the Road?
To avoid the Christian. Ugh. Wouldn't you?

What did the Liberal say at St-Peter's Gates?
answer 1. Look. I'm sure you've done an okay job back there, but without me in charge, Heaven will never realize its potential.

answer 2. What d'ya mean, PET isn't back there? Are you guys friggin' nuts?

How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
Tell him the approaching limo will take him to his senate appointment ceremony if he hails it down.


Did you hear about the Liberal who drove to Toronto only to find a road sign that read, "Toronto - Left"?
He rolled his eyes and said, "duh."


What do you call a Liberal with a red-face who's every utterance is a string of angry incoherence?
John MacCallum waiting to board a plane.

What's shorter than the Polish book of heroes?
The Stephane Dion list of fans.

Labels: What would Real Newfies say?

Like you, I am grieving the loss of one of Canada's great nation builders, Belinda Stronach. Like you, I am baffled why she would make such a dramatic and hasty exit from politics. Thankfully, an email from the Liberal mole explains all. Here are Belinda's 10 reasons for moving on.

10. Magna executives made the case: without her the company would collapse. No, seriously!

9. She couldn't bear the searing, truth-telling criticism of yours truly.

8. If she's going to travel, it'll be with the Leafs.

7. The parliamentary cafeteria uses too much MSG.

6. She believes education is the key to Canada's economic competitiveness, so she decided it's probably a good idea to go get some.

5. Stephane Dion is a bullying nightmare who doesn't tolerate dissent and she's worried that his collaboration with the Bloc Quebecois threatens national unity.

4. Actually no, that was Stephen Harper. Dion is such a wimp! Its mind boggling. Its like, "whatever you say, Belinda" or "right on, sister!" or "don't yell at me, Belinda." and I'm like, "I wasn't yelling." And he's like, "okay, okay, I just don't want you to raise your voice. Its scary."

3. She did the Humpty Dumpty negotiations on the right. The idea of doing it all over again on the left is sooo last year.

2. Elizabeth May is the most powerful woman in the Liberal Party. And rumour is, Lizzy just rhymes with rich.

1. She couldn't handle competing with Garth Turner to be the most glamorous Liberal MP.

Labels: A Blow to Dion's Womenification Program

Some astonishing statistics coming from everyone's favorite pollster:

If you could genetically engineer the perfect combination of Stephane Dion, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe, you would still be unable to offer Canadians an alternative preferable Stephen Harper.

If you could clone Stephane Dion and offer Canadians two Dions for the price of one, they would still, by a hefty margin, prefer to stick with a single Stephen Harper.

Once you consider the margin of error, it is unclear who Canadians would be more comfortable with as leader of this great Dominion: Stephane Dion, Jack Layton or Mr. None of the Above. And we don't even know if Mr. None of the Above has a hidden agenda!

Even those brave souls in the Green Party prefer Stephen Harper over Elizabeth May as Prime Minister - and he's "a climate change denier".

If leadership were landmass, Stephen Harper would be would be all the provinces from Newfoundland to Saskatchewan combined and Stephane Dion would be, well, well, okay the rest of this anology doesn't break up so perfectly (2/3rds of Nunavut?).

If leadership were age, Stephen Harper would be a middle-aged man while the rest of the lot wouldn't even be allowed to drink.

If leadership were darts' scores, Stephen Harper would be losing badly while the others would be bunched up in an exciting race to 0.

If these polling numbers were read by Al Roaker, Stephen Harper would be the only acceptable temperature - the rest would be freezing.

If Quebec only likes native sons, then someone must have tricked them into thinking its Stephane D'Hapere from Tadoussac.

I anticipate that my analysis above will trigger some questions in you that I should answer now:

So what does all this mean? Well - the ultimate ballot box question, if you are a Tory, goes like this: who should run the country? That question delivers us a majority.

Will these numbers change? For the Prime Minister, there's only one direction - up, up, up.

Why do Liberals poll so much higher than the Death Valley-low numbers of its wimpmobile, Stephane Dion? Gritus Inheritus. These folks identify themselves as Liberals out of habit and pay only glancing attention. In the sobre air of the voting booth, enough will swing Tory.

If you were a Liberal, what would you do? I would panic, attack the polling methodology and then bitch about how wrong Canadians were in their impression of Stephane Dion. Then I would cry myself to sleep as a gallon of rock road ice cream melted onto my bedsheets.

Labels: The only polls I like are the ones that make me feel good

Sometimes, I can be a bit caustic - especially if rushed and angry concurrently. While I have rarely had the National Post pass on a letter I submitted, the one below may be too "Danny Williams" for their liking. I re-print it below in anticipation of its rejection and to see if anyone out there agrees with me.

I sympathize with the National Post’s desire to bake a bigger readership pie, but Belinda Stronach’s op-ed is the straw that has broken this loyal reader’s back. It seems to me that every other day, your readers are treated to some glib infomercial from a Liberal MP. If not Belinda, its Ralph Goodale. If not Ralph, its Stephane Dion. If not Stephane, its Keith Martin.

There was a time when the National Post had an audacious ambition: to give voice to a thoughtful and thoroughly Canadian conservatism. While I would disagree as often as I would agree, I finished each edition stimulated and provoked. Today, however, the ambition appears to be a more ignoble one: to out-Star the Toronto Star. As a consequence, for my subscription fees, I am treated to press releases I could read off the Liberal website. For free.

I am happy that Belinda Stronach believes in education and economic competitiveness. That’s lovely. I am not happy that the National Post would try to pass that off as something valuable for me to read.

To this, I would only add: pray that when Lord Black is freed of the mess down in Chicago, his non-compete agreements will have expired. It smells like we need a new National Post.

Labels: Am I wrong about this?

Since it is very much the rage to report on this, I thought I would unburden myself by sharing my own first-kind encounter.

It happened this past January just after the first heavy dump of snow on the island of Montreal. I was shovelling my driveway in the dark, after Rainbow and SkyPiper were fast asleep. I took a short break to catch my breath. Tired of looking at my Liberal neighbours' machine-plowed driveways, I looked up into the night. I cursed the light pollution of this fair metropolis as it was obscuring what I knew to be the dramatic, shimmering canvas of the winter sky.

Then, my eye caught sight of a strange and brilliant orb. It was moving quickly along a concentric path. Nothing made by the human hand could produce such a strange motion. Like a good cynic, initially I dismissed the sight as the product of some Yankee military experiment of futuristic technology given permission to criss-cross Canadian airspace because those nasty Tories were in power again. But my cynicism quickly transformed into awe and terror as the orb came closer and closer to me, growing bigger and brighter all the while. In what seemed like a short blink, this great orb was only a few hundred feet above me such that I could make out its saucer shape and the small oval porthole windows ringing the object.

It dropped towards me - a red glow eminating from the windows - and I was sure it was deliberately approaching me. I was frozen both from terror and wind chill until finally the immense saucer was hovering not more than a dozen feet from the ground. A door slid open and a slanted gang-plank unfurled to the earth. In the doorway, with the backdrop of red light, I saw a figure in white, shimmering robes. The figure seemed to glide down the plank without taking a step.

Finally, beyond the blinding aura of red light in the saucer, I could make out the features of this strange creature. It was Stephane Dion. He raised his arms to the sky and addressed me.

"Take me to your leader," he commanded in a croaking voice that resembled the Muppets' Beeker.

With what courage I could muster, I replied, "why, Mr. Dion, would you want to meet the Prime Minister?"

At that, his face turned pleading, "because I need to learn what a real leader is! Please!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Afterthought. Since that day, I often chuckle privately when people ask, "Where's Dion?" For example, when many Canadians wondered where Mr. Dion is, given his noticeable abscence from the Vimy Memorial ceremonies. At least, he could be there not as a potential Prime Minister, but as a grateful citizen of France. Not me. I don't wonder. I just look up in the sky and I know where he is. I know.

Labels: Chuckercanuck is on Planet Cheap Shot

How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to rant and wail about the historic raping of Newfoundland by the lightbulb companies.

Why did the Newfie cross the road?

Because the history of Newfoundland is one of abuse and theft of resources at the hands of the cross-the-roaders. Time somebody tell them what's doing.

What did the Newfie say at St-Peter's gate?

Justify getting past them pearly gates? How about you justify the generations of empoverishment we've suffered because of your callous indifference and total disregard for the people of Newfoundland and Labrador. You should be damned grateful I want in that place.

How do you get a one-armed Newfie out of a tree?

Tell him the oil companies are eagre to invest in Newfoundland and want to negotiate a revenue-sharing scheme. But watch out - he'll be so pissed at the offer, he'll likely nail you in the eye with his one good fist.

Did you hear about the Newfie who drove to Toronto only to find a road sign that read, "Toronto - Left"?

So he turns left and goes into Toronto to tell them imperialist bastards that they can take their equalization monies and shove it. Just as he leaves, he hands them some pamphlets printed by the Newfoundland Tourism board.

What do you call a Newfie with a red-face who's every utterance is an angry string of incoherence?

Premier.

What's shorter than the Polish Book of Heroes?

The Newfoundland Book of Responsible Leaders.

Labels: Boycott Newfoundland Sealskin

Rummaging through my DVD set of Lorne Greene’s New Wilderness, I came across something that would be extremely helpful to Tories as we try to steal every last vote from the Liberal Party that we can. In an early episode, Lorne Greene studies Homo Gritus and classifies this species of human into four sub-groups. I have ordered these groups from least persuadable to most persuadable for your convenience.

Gritus Incorupticus
The Liberals are the equivalent of the Baathist dead-enders. They have an unwavering belief in the core tenets of the Liberal party. This may strike some of you as odd, since the Liberal party often seems to be without core tenets. However, the tenets exist. Some examples:

1) No phenomenon is real until a sociologist defines it and prescribes a solution to it.
2) Citizens are not very smart and if left to their own devices, will choose unwisely and court disaster.
3) All smart governance comes from Sweden, except the militias stuff.

You can spot these people quite easily: supremely arrogant, dour and without any humor, proud of sexual deviancy and profligacy, use words like “ethnocentric” in every second sentence.

Gritus Anti-Conserviticus
These Liberals are not so much married to any particular Liberal belief system, rather they are mystically allergic to conservatism to the point they hold irrational, ridiculous ideas about anyone who subscribes to Tory values. They are convinced they alone: understand science, circumvent extreme literalism and care about anyone but themselves. These people could be anywhere on the political spectrum from extreme left to centre-right, but remain rooted in the Liberal party out of fear of a Tory takeover which they truly believe will trigger Armageddon.

These Liberals are slightly more difficult to spot since they do not immediately beat you over the head with their policy triumphalism. However, mention God or Americans and you should pretty quickly smoke them out.

Gritus Inheritus
These Liberals are Liberals only because their parents were Liberals. Generally, they will think and talk like Tories but will show no inclination – perhaps even considerable resistance – to supporting the Conservative party. The classic example would be the Montreal Italian whose family is redder than a Roma tomato. Sure, they hate taxes and bureaucracy, love entrepreneurship, vacations at Wildwood, NJ and a Canadian foreign policy of pride and assertion – but they vote Liberal. Ask them why and it will feel like you are traveling into a black hole only to find at its core a tiny, dense response: “we’re Liberals.”

Thankfully, Stephane Dion has been working hard at disintegrating the bonds these folks have to the Liberal party. As a recent Gritus Inheritus said to me recently, “Of course, I voted for Paul Martin. He’s a good man, classy, represents Canada well. But if an election were held today, I’d be proud to vote for Stephen Harper.”

Gritus Ambitiocus
These Liberals become Liberals once they figure out they want to power. They are ambitious folks who gravitate to a winner. And let’s face it, the Liberal Party has been fantastically successful (up until, well, let’s call it the arrival of the Juggernaut). They have no particular beliefs – but are pragmatic and generally good-natured. They are the easiest pickings because as they sniff the new winds blowing, they will switch without much persuasion. Sadly, they are the smallest demographic in this bunch.

Labels: Biology, Lorne Greene, Zoology

Serves 2 - 3 people.

Mise en place.
Mince 1 onion and 1 red pepper.
Slice 3 chorizo sausage (get the spiciest available).
Slice 2 cloves of garlic.
Grate 1/2 cup of parmesan (although I used gruyere tonight and was considerably more generous).
Frozen peas at the ready.
Simmer 4 cups of chicken broth.
1/2 cup of white wine (blasphemy: Willm's Riesling from Alsace. It breaks the "Coalition of the Willing" only rule, but its a lovely white wine - if such things exist).
1 nob of butter.
1 cup arborio rice.

Go.
Olive oil in a deep, heavy pan.

Get the chorizo cooked. This leaves delicious crap at the bottom of the pan and turns the oil a spicy orange.

Remove the chorizo. Throw in the onions and red pepper.

When the onions are translucent and sweaty, add the rice.

When the rice seems chalky (whatever the hell that means), add the wine. When the wine gets sucked up entirely and the pan goes dry, add 1 cup of the chicken broth. Add 1 cup more of broth every time the pan goes dry until your last cup of broth is left.

With 1 cup of broth left, add the peas and the chorizo. Then add that last cup of broth. As the rice sucks up the broth, taste it. The rice should be almost ready and the whole pan should look deliciously creamy. If the rice seems still dry, add more broth - 1/2 cup at a time until almost tender.

Otherwise, remove from heat, drop the nob of butter in and the cheese. Stir. Serve.

Risotto is so fantastic, its like getting a personal birthday greeting from Prime Minister Harper.

Labels: cheap way to get hits, Saturday Night Cooking Series

Spare a thought for Larry Umana this Easter. The Costa Rican in his early 30s has enjoyed a life of luxurious, snuggly comfort as Jean Lafleur's live-in companion for the past year and now faces the holidays alone in paradise with no one to purchase the foie gras or champagne. Maybe Lafleur's wife and children will cable a special invite to him for turkey up here in Quebec, but we don't know how well the whole family gets along.

I suppose it sucks worse for Jean Lafleur. No doubt his cell-mate cannot keep up the viniphilic banter that Larry could. Maybe his cell-mate is a separatist who never warmed to Mr. Lafleur's clever use of Canadian flags. Worse still, his cell-mate could be a conservative despite Mr. Lafleur & co.'s best efforts to scrub Quebec clean of the conservative menace. Wait a minute, what am I saying? There are no conservatives in jail.

Did Larry Umana know how the man who paid his bills earned his fortune? Today, he could be feeling as jilted as the average Canadian taxpayer. As revolted in the tawdry crime as the rest of us.

Happy easter, Larry. Stay strong and look on the bright side: if Stephane Dion is appointed PM by the GG, he could install judges with the same "sponsorship clemency" tendencies as he has and your man could be free as a Belizean bird in no time.

Labels: the scandal that never dies

Labels: Seriously - I am rubber and you are glue in this case

Looking out at the golden dome of the New Hampshire state capital building, I cannot resist talking about US politics. Recently, buried deep in a thread somewhere, someone asked me about the impeachment of President Bush --- the pretext was that since he might exercise his right to veto a bill from congress, he should be impeached. Checks and balances are all well and fine unless its the President doing the checkings and the balancings.

If anyone should be impeached, its Nancy Pelosi - I know, I know, figuratively of course. This week, she has decided that she does not merely have the duties and powers of the speaker of the house, but she can usurp foreign policy from the White House. She travelled to the middle east to have tea with Syria's beloved eye-doctor dictocrat, Bashar Assad.
She claimed that she carried a message from Israel that Israel wanted to initiate peace talks with Syria. Israel's PM Omert repudiated this almost instantly.

This slice of foolishness is reckless on all sorts of levels. American foreign policy cannot look schizophrenic. Especially when this new, Democratic, personality treats the Middle East like a large Epcot centre exhibit where you can say anything for giggles and headlines. (You wonder if Michael Ignatieff is advising her). Finally, it demonstrates that Democrats are so hungry for power and blindly furious at the President, they would ignore the structure of American democracy and assume powers that they have not earned through the electoral process.

Prediction: the next President of the United States will be a Republican and the Democrats will lose control of congress.

Labels: Live Free or Die

Many readers of Chuckercanuck do not read french and come here for a biased reading of french media. (My bias is obvious and therefore easily compensated by the discerning reader.) In that spirit, I present to you a rough translation of the powerful new radio ads produced by the Liberal Party of Canada (note: when imagining the voice reading the ad, imagine the fellow selling you window blinds over the radio...):

"The Conservatives want you to think Stephane Dion is not a leader. Is this because he is a leader? Not just any leader, but the greatest leader ever to grace human existence? We don't know. Ask Elizabeth May - she says Stephane Dion is magnificent. And when she says it, she purrs like she has just consumed a warm chocolate brownie with a molten chocolate centre. Never heard of Elizabeth May? Neither had we. Until she announced that Stephane Dion was the second coming of Jesus himself. Sometimes leadership is subtle. So subtle, you don't even notice its leadership. What you may think of as wimpy, whiny bathos is actually great leadership. Don't know what bathos is? Goggle it. In the meantime, ask yourself: who was the real leader on that deserted isle? The Skipper? A fat drunk! The professor? A self-absorbed lech! No, the island belonged to Gilligan because he was the leader. Stephane Dion is such a leader. You need proof? If the Consevative ads don't prove how terrified of Stephane Dion's leadership they are, perhaps this will: Stephane Dion is leading the Liberal party to an unprecedented number of lawsuits. Never has a party sued so many people for saying so many unfair things about them. Not just Tories. But Gilles Duceppe. Hockey players. National newspapers. Everyone will get a taste of Stephane Dion's leadership plus a big fat lawyer's bill. That will teach them. Anyway, is this message an incoherent ramble? No. Its leadership."

Labels: Anthony Robbins - eat your heart out

Today, NDP leader Jack Layton made an impressive show of that party's electoral readiness in a bid to scare off other parties that might be contemplating a spring election.

"The big yellow machine is oiled and ready. And this time, we're not your gramma's NDP," the leader bragged.

Journalists were treated to a tour of the newly installed campaign headquarters, located in a basement office of the York University's Student Union building. The facilities were impressively equipped with a cell phone and Commodore 64. One party worker pointed out that the cell phone had caller ID, "so we can track who is calling us and make use of that database to get the vote out."

But campaign infrastructure is not the only thing the NDP have ready, Mr. Layton hinted at a campaign platform designed to make Canadians re-think the NDP. "I'm not going to let the whole cat out of the bag," Mr. Layton remarked coyly, "but one thing we'll be bringing to Canadians is a flat tax."

Pressed by a stunned scrum of journalists, Mr. Layton divulged the details, "Canada can have a flat tax and narrow the poverty gap. Its time to shift the tax burden to the rich. Income taxes will kick in at $40,000 and we will tax every dollar over that amount at 85%."

The NDP plan an aggressive advertising campaign with media buys on all the major stations during prime time. "We have won the rights to use Casey and Finnegan to act as our advertising spokespeople. Finnegan won't say much, obviously, but I've seen the rough cuts and he doesn't need a word to make compelling connections with the working family."

One chink in the marxist armor appears to be candidates with reports that the NDP is struggling to find people willing to present themselves as Dippers. Mr. Layton brushes those worries aside, "I'm getting hounded from all corners by people wanting to ride the NDP wave to parliament. In fact, just this morning, I turned back Svend Robinson. Thrice."

Labels: Label this stupid blogger

If you haven’t read Andrew Coyne’s latest column or seen his recent posting, prepare for a full-court gob-smacking. So blindly committed to seeing Stephan Dion become Prime Minister, Andrew Coyne openly advocates for the only way to this can possibly happen: skip an election and have the GG appoint Stephane Dion as prime minister. To be fair, this is within the parameters of our democracy. It remains an option available should the current government lose the confidence of the house, the GG can ask the leader of the opposition to attempt to form government. An attempt that the Liberals would undoubtedly jump on because getting their limos the old fashion way, as even Mr. Coyne concedes, is not gonna happen.

The idea is absurd, offensive and could only be advanced by someone so shockingly partisan that they would sooner disregard reality than live up to unpopularity of their causes. The backlash against such a move, both from Bloc voters and Liberal voters, would be colossal. But I guess once you’ve skipped over voter consent, you’re prepared to weather the “one-day scandal” this would create. Plus, you could package the outrage as nothing more than “the grumblings of the mindless Tory partisans who can’t think for themselves anyway because they don’t agree with us.”

Interesting though: why has Andrew Coyne evolved into a fierce, unquestioning advocate for a Dion prime ministeriship? Only 14 months ago, Andrew Coyne was fuming over the Emerson and Fortier appointments. But today, a Dion appointment by the GG is just swell. It’s a breathtaking about face. Why? Here are the theories from lamest to most plausible, in my opinion:

Hypothesis 1 – His cousin is a high-profile Liberal.

Hypothesis 2 - He has joined Jason Cherniak, Garth Turner and Danny Williams in the “Asshole” Choir. People who’s loathing for Stephen Harper overwhelms all judgment / reason.

Hypothesis 3 - Along with most pundits, he oversold Stephane Dion to the point where even Tory propagandists like me were think this was not a bad leadership choice. Now, Canadians see that Mr. Dion has none of the intelligence, strength of character or set of principles that Mr. Coyne promised us. Sure, Mr. Dion is a federalist, but other than that: is there a single issue on which Mr. Dion has thought the same thing last week as he does this week? Nope. So here we are, loyal readers of these pundits, disappointed and wondering what the hell Corinthian leather is anyway. Not wanting to offer a mea culpe or admit they sold us a bill of goods, some pundits have become hysterical, Kamikaze boosters of Stephane Dion.

Hypothesis 4 – Mr. Coyne believes in a country where the vast, varied lands of Canada are squeezed into the straight-jacket of French-style centralist government.

I have no idea which hypothesis is correct or whether its not some other reason. I appeal to you, dear readers, to help figure this one out.

Labels: Pat Martin - Minister for the Status of Puppets

Not content with importing American Howard Dean to explain how to do politics, Liberals are now importing the most unseemly and wasteful aspect of American life: the frivolous lawsuit. The Liberals have launched or are contemplating a plague of lawsuits aimed at anyone who says something less than fawning about them all to the delight of drooling lawyers.

We already have Stephane Dion suing Gilles Duceppe over a campaign ad that Mr. Dion felt was "unfair" and maybe a little bullyish.

We have Gerard Kennedy serving notice to the National Post.

Today, we double up on lawsuits:

Denis Corderre is suing a hockey player after the hockey player sued him.

If you haven't had your fill of lawsuits, Mark Holland is contemplating suing Ezra Levant over a column point out the obvious: its a bit repulsive that Mark Holland would rifle through personnel files that were not his property in the search of dirt. Certainly, that's not the type of behavior that would be acceptable in an office setting.

How do they provide Canada an effective opposition if they are spending the bulk of their time meeting with lawyers, making depositions and tied up in court?

And before you laugh Canada: if you don't return them to power in the next federal election, the Liberal Party plans to sue you!

Labels: Jason Cherniak should be heading up this litigation

Rarely does Chuckercanuck wade into Ontario politics. Mainly because it is as exciting as an Antiques Roadshow stop in Geraldtown. Also because fine colleagues do a better job of it anyway. However, today's news from Ontario comes close to what I consider the single most important politico-social issue in our civilization: privatized booze distribution and retail.

A brave Liberal backbencher proposed that some beers and wines could be sold in corner stores.

Dalton McGinty rejected the idea as providing a fix for something that ain't broken.

For those of you not living in Ontario and unfamiliar with their Stalinist approach to booze: you have to go to a beer store to purchase beer and a liquor store to buy wine and spirits. So imagine this insanity:

If you are having family over for a party, you have to go to the grocery store to buy the food, then drive over to the beer store to buy the beer, then drive to the liquor to buy the wine. Three trips where a Quebecker needs one (two if they have want something better than plonk).

Think of the assault on our air and climate that the good people of Ontario wage because of their Soviet-style masters.

Think of the increased traffic accidents, pedestrian injuries, hospital expenses created by the extra driving.

Think of the obscene wages paid to unionized retail workers for scanning beer cases passed a bar-code reader..... think of the civilizational collapse that looms everytime the union calls a strike.

The humanity! I feel like Charlton Heston in "Soylent Green" just thinking about it.

And Dalton McGinty's one, lame excuse is that its damned hard for minors to get beer from a government run store. Well, my responses are entirely anecdotal but still: (1) there is no problem with that in Quebec even though 17 year olds do get beer if they want to; (2) the biggest shock in meeting Ontarians in university for me was how much more experienced with drugs they were than us simple beer swillers (and I mean, Andre Boisclair type drugs).

By the way, Quebec is hardly a panacea. If Ontario is Stalinist, Quebec is merely Titoist - the great state of Maine could teach either in how to offer an environmentally responsible, consumer-choice driven booze market. Still, if Ontarians don't see the obvious logic in being able to buy beer and wine in your local corner store, than truly we Quebeckers are a nation who needs to be insulated from your barbarism.

Labels: Free Booze

Labels: Birds of a feather

At first, the press gallery was merely concerned. Increasingly, Parliament Hill became a loitering spot for pasty-skinned geeks in flanel pyjamas, sporting Spock ears.

But they quickly switched into full panic mode when they noticed politicians flocking to these coke-sipping, techno-gadget-sprouting dweebs to offer interviews and insights in lieu of facing a scrum of press gallery pimentos asking important questions to Tories such as, "How often do you get faxes from George W. Bush?" or lobbing grenades at Liberals like, "do you look and sound so good when you wake up in the morning?"

Okay, okay. In fairness, only one blogger was bullied by the press gallery: Stephen Taylor. He is not pasty-skinned nor geeky and I have no clue whether he prefers Romulans to Vulcans (I half suspect he's a Klingon sympathizer). He is, as my readers know, a leading authority within the International Alliance of Global Conspiracies and represents a grave danger to Canada. The press gallery has done the right thing by having him thrown off the Hill.

That's right, as much as I am a loyal foot-soldier in Stephen Taylor's war on democracy, the press gallery were probably acting in the national interest. Its just too bad that it looks so terribly petty. Afterall, Stephen Taylor has done more for Canadian media than any single member of the press gallery. Furthermore, when politicians approach him, all parties interact fully cognizant of his Tory filter unlike the false pretense of a fair hearing from someone in the press gallery. Finally, he left the politics of the 1970s in, well, the 1970s - I guess that's easy to do when you were barely pushing 3 when Joe Clark's government fell. The press gallery, meantime, fall asleep dreaming that somewhere in small-town Manitoba, Canada's Fidel is being formed. The press gallery looks to be suffering from a neon green jealousy.

Until this day, I would have chuckled at the thought of blogging as anything more than a digital Cheers for raving fools like me who indulge in an endless soliloquy to nobody. By acting to muzzle Stephen Taylor, the press gallery has demonstrated how deathly afraid they are of this brave new world.

Labels: Maybe Alan Arkin will play Elizabeth Thompson

Sheila Copps issued a warning to Stephen Harper this week: beware voter fatigue! Sending the electorate to the polls for the third time in as many years risks unleashing a backlash that might, just might the Liberal says, return Liberals to power the way the ADQ shocked the nation with its upset 2nd place finish.

The column has the intellectual organization of a Jackson Pollack painting and I won't waste your time parsing the ludicrous from the ridiculous. But I thought it was interesting to consider the general thesis: voter fatigue could bite the Tories in their big-spending, family-friendly arses.

How well does the opposite thesis work: voter fatigue could send the electorate rushing headlong into the Tory embrace? My gut says it works a hell of alot better.

The broad majority of Canadians is happy with the Tory government. (Unlike the Charest analogy you draw, Mrs. Copps). The "kick the bums out" mentality exists only in that small cadre of Liberal dead-enders who have nowhere to turn but the rapidly fading red machine. If voters are tired of going to the polls every 12 - 18 months, then the clearest option would be to secure a majority government for the government that has them happy.

What's more, there are some good arguments for clearing parliament of the Liberal-Bloc detritus that hangs like the sword of Damocles over everybody's head:

Recently, the Liberal Party committed what is likely the most irresponsible act ever seen in the history of Canadian minority governments: they decided to be against a budget they hadn't seen yet. If the Official Opposition refuses to accept the compromises and horse-trading that minority parliaments require, then there isn't much point in having a minority parliament. They have behave terribly on a rash of issues with schizophrenic approaches to Afghanistan, carbon taxes and most recently, violent crime. By handing the Tories a majority, the Liberals would still remain free to pursue their priority pleasures: stealing and rifling through personnel documents and other private property.

The Bloc Quebecois also posesses undue influence in a minority parliament. Sure, they helped get the budget through. But generally speaking, this gang of separatist Big Lebowskis should not be able to abuse a minority parliament to advance its cause of destroying that parliament. If you don't believe me: ask Quebeckers in a general election and they will be happy to make that point loud and clear.

Voter fatigue helps the government. Remind Canadians that perennial minorities means that third-wheel of the Liberal-Separatis axis, the press gallery, will pulp a million trees with election speculation and you just about guarantee a Tory landslide.

Labels: Slow News Day - so sue me

Catch Question Period? At the end of the show, the roundup was on the RCMP. While it was a fine and boring segment, one statement from Roger Salat of the Globe & Mail sent my jaw to the floor. In talking about the formation of a search committee to find Commissioner Zacardelli's permanent replacement, Mr. Salat lamented the the "insider" nature of all the members of the search committee. Why open up the process for judicial appointments, as PM Harper would like to do, and not do that here? Where's Amnesty International to speak for the people? On that last question, the three other journalists bobbed their heads up and down in agreement.

If that sampling of journalists is representative, then we have a problem. They confer a frightening amount of authority and legitmacy to lobby groups - who are, afterall, self-appointed spokespeople for whatever cause celebre they choose. I guess they do this because lobby groups make a journalist's life supremely easy: whatever issue is hot that day, there's a lobby group with a ready-made press release and statement from a caring rock star or hollywood starlet.

"Animal Action condemns [insert whatever] and urges the world to listen to Leam Gallagher on this issue..."

"Sting may have not written an intelligible, catchy song in a decade, but Amnesty International is proud to share with you his thoughts on conditions in the Chiappas..."

"Green Rivers Alliance may be more responsible than anyone for global warming due to our crusade against nuclear power, but we have one of Pamela Anderson's boobs ready to take up our cause..."

Journalists say, "heck, if one of Pamela Anderson's boobs is on the bandwagon, then the people have spoken." And themselves, journalists, probably kid themselves into thinking that like they brothers and sisters in the activist community, they represent the people too. You know, people we do not elect represent us against the people we do elect. As cliche as it may be to say so, there's something eerily 1984 about that idea.

Labels: For some reason I've soured on pundits and journalists this week

Bourque has superb gossip on his site this morning.

The parallels with the Parti Quebecois are unsurprisingly uncanny: a soulless, purposeless party installs an underwhelming and semi-embarassing politician to its top post as if to pin a sign on their backs that says "kick hard here". When the electorate get the chance, they will kick hard. Dion will be emancipated and join a think tank like the Institute for Fanaticism & Kumbaya.

Who will replace Dion the helm? The Leadership race showcased a vapid slate of candidates who would prefer to eat their young than support one another. Tories might fantasize that Liberals will switch to mirror-deep Iggy but it ain't gonna happen. Even in their waisting condition, Liberals aren't totally brain-dead. Instead, top Liberals are conceding that they have only two chances to win government again:

Chance 1: Somehow resurrecting Pierre Trudeau. A small cadre of Liberal scientists are working on it, but only as a contingency.

Chance 2: Draft Jean Chretien - Mr. Majority.

Kierkegaard would guffaw - one can never repeat the experience of something, especially the joyous and sublime. So what chances would there be that Jean Chretien would lead the Liberals to a minority or majority government?

Not too good.

The political climate hurts. Quebec is not locked in the duality that Jean Chretien and his separatist allies worked very hard to engineer. The left has yet another party to split its vote. And the legacy Chretien inspires, among Canadians at large, ambivalence at best.

Set against Stephen Harper, at least Chretien would never wimper about being bullied. But in all his years, Chretien was blessed with weak leaders. Preston Manning is a force in Canada, to be sure - but by virtue of his regional rumpness, occasional makeovers and constant demonizing by the media, he never managed to exude gravitas on par with PM Chretien. Now, Jean Chretien would face a Prime Minister who not only posesses that same gravitas, but would highlight Chretien's lameness of vision and shallowness of thought. The debates would be exciting but awful as Jean Chretien would look Bernard-Landry foolish against someone who thinks beyond the next handshake or baby kiss.

When the Liberal Party dumps Stephane Dion, let's hope they do draft Jean Chretien into service. It would be pretty cool to see the sponsorship scandal get its groove back for a 3rd election. But it won't happen, because by the time that post-Dion election comes, Jean Chretien will be edging towards 80.

Labels: Joe Clarke - The Liberal Party Needs You