ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Xerxes, King of Kings, Ruler of the Vast Persian Empire, Distant Father of Modern Iran, popped back out of heaven to give me an exclusive interview regarding this deeply upsetting hostage crisis. I don't make a habit of talking to the dead, but I welcomed the opportunity to get his perspective.

CC: Xerxes, I have not said a thing about the British sailors held hostage by Iran because my first concern is to see them returned safe and well as soon as possible. I have nothing to say other than inflammatory sabre-rattling.

Xerxes: Well, Chuckercanuck, I'm spitting mad as well and I just had to go on record as such. I'm completely ashamed of Iran and absolutely baffled with how pathetically they conduct their affairs.

CC: Its not really a country, is it? Its a thuggish fantasy-land that has long ago cut its strings to human decency.

Xerxes: Absolutely. And from a strategic perspective, it keeps pushing itself further and further to a precipice of catastrophic loss.

CC: Except it sits on a sea of oil; the great insulator from serious trouble.

Xerxes: It does. But domestic consumption is quickly approaching domestic production. What will it do when it no longer has excess production to ship out? Pistachios do not make for much of a trade surplus, even in my day.

CC: So there's a long term prospect of some sort of collapse of this regime?

Xerxes: No. The worse it gets, I suspect, the stronger their grip on power. And there's always the chance that they will find a friend from the north or far east - what is Cathay willing to do to feed its revenous apetite for oil?

CC: China. Its called China these days.

Xerxes: Yes. Of course. I knew that.

CC: So what do we do?

Xerxes: That's not an easy call. The problem you have in Britain and the west is a large segment of the population that is morally perverted. They believe themselves "progressive" by sympathizing with the Iranian regime and despots across the globe. They think their own governments are the true bullies of the world. The politician that confronts them is doomed. Will the leaders who replace Bush and Blair be able to stand up to this powerful pro-dictator lobby? Or will they prefer the more innocuous, Disney-friendly fight against global warming?

CC: Well, let's play a hypothetical - pretend there was a leadership that would stand up to the "capitalists are always to blame" crowd, what should that leadership do?

Xerxes: Get the sailors back. Then send a painful, unambiguous message. Iran is a paper tiger, a rusting clunker, an evil, empty shell. It needs a severe humiliation and a clear message to its people that the only fruit a government of lunatics bears are poison berries.

Labels: Most of Canada's media are quietly thrilled by all this

As the autopsy on the PQ performance Monday night continues, many inside the PQ and on the pages of the nation's newspapers have begun to wonder aloud if Andre Boisclair's homosexuality was a contributing factor to the humiliating rebuke the PQ suffered.

Its a fun topic and I'd like to weigh in: that suggestion is just about the gayest excuse for the separatists performance ever mustered.

The Anti-Homosexual Tirade
During the election, a shock jock from Lac-St-Jean suggested that he and his buddies at the factory wouldn't vote for a "tapette" (fag) and that the PQ has become a "club de tapettes". This has been identified as proof that his homosexuality hurt the party. Bullocks.

The event offered Andre Boisclair his finest moment in the campaign - dignified indignation on behalf of the Quebec nation. It was so well executed that I published my suspicions that the whole event, from the shock jock's comments on, was orchestrated. It likely wasn't of course, but it played too perfectly into his hands.

On Monday, Lac-St-Jean went entirely to the PQ. The shock jock's audience responded by voting for Andre Boisclair where polls said they wouldn't and recent elections put the PQ grip on that region in doubt. The tirade was a net positive for Boisclair.

Boisclair & Families
The loser PQ candidate from Groulx (exurbia Montreal) said voters fretted that Andre Boisclair couldn't represent families.

Partly true: a gay party animal has no idea what life as a parent with sugar-addict children is like. But what gross incompetence on the part of the PQ for letting this partial truth fester as a political problem. No party leader can understand the struggles and opportunities of every single demographic in a society: students, seniors, immigrants, minorities, federal Liberals, etc.etc. But a party is more than its leader: get demographic diversity from the candidates instead of trying to cram it all into a single human being. There is no leaderly transgendered college student in retirement and a wheelchair dropping his kids off at a daycare run by his fellow Tamils. This political messiah will never exist.

Partly false: any human being with brains and emotions can develop a sense of what another person's struggles are like. Andre Boisclair must be close with SOMEBODY with kids. In his real, private life, away from the raves on a Sunday night, he must have dinner with family - brothers, sisters, cousins - who can clue him in to what a modern family deals with. Collect the field data and talk about it.

Boisclair Blew his Own Homosexuality
Gay rights groups aren't hollering homophobia. Why is that, do you think? Loyal readers of Chuckercanuck know what loyal readers of the Globe and Mail don't: Mr. Boisclair tarnished his own trailblazing by using his penchant for gay sex to make a highly insulting joke about George W. Bush and Stephen Harper. In saying he would commit neither sodomy nor fallatio with those two men owing to their politics despite temptations otherwise, Andre Boisclair reversed the course of gay rights. A once-major political party makes an openly gay man leader and he makes a mockery of the wacky concept that gay people are human beings first, family second, citizens third and gay fourth. Instead, he reinforced the destructive stereotype of the frivolity of gay people.

But again, this has nothing to do with his sexual orientation, just his abysmal lack of judgement. A characteristic he shares with a good part of the Parti Quebecois. No, if that party wants to figure out why its a loser, the Parti Quebecois should stop being such girly-men and start looking in the mirror.

Labels: Scott Brison will be the scapegoat

Recently, the CBC ran a show where it wanted to test the IQ of Canada’s citizens. Mercifully, their sample did not include Liberal MPs Marlene Jennings and Mark Holland – for these two fine Liberals could be outwitted by a case of pushpins. There recent hijinks goes like this:

They march to the PMO, boxes in hand, ostensibly to deliver them to the PM, with a fawning queue of press gallery members. Ostensibly, the heartless, foolish, divisive, bullying, mean-spirited, pinched, reckless and Bush-like Tories left these boxes behind as they abandoned opposition offices for their citizen-awarded government offices. Contained in these boxes were administrative documents including personnel evaluations – the kind of stuff that in private business, would be treated with the utmost confidence and respect. Instead, the Liberals made great hay of people’s job performance reviews. Proof, these Liberals said, of the series of insults they hurl 24/7 (even while sleeping) at the Tories.

Then, in a turn of fate that one only reads about in the Darwin Awards for the World’s Stupidest Criminals, it is pointed out that there is a clear delivery form affixed to the boxes: exactly the kind of move from-to instructions one fills out so that professional movers know where to send these boxes. In the kindest interpretation of events, the movers made a mistake and left the boxes behind and Liberals stumbled across them 14 months later. If that interpretation rings true to you, send me an email because I have dried sea cucumber to sell you that I guarantee is an aphrodisiac.

The proper-minded among us might ask: how do the Liberal know what’s in these boxes? You would have to rifle through the papers, mining for dirt, to know that personnel evaluations were in that stack. Repulsive, isn’t it? These staffers are not political targets and don’t deserve to be treated with such gross impropriety by a gang of Willy Lomans crying out for attention to be paid.

Worse though, is how stupid Marlene Jennings and Mark Holland look. Did it never occur to them that as soon as someone saw the expedition paperwork, they’re ruse would blow up in their face, wily-coyote style? And what does this say about Stephan Dion’s already wobbly judgement? These two MPs are among his most important. Marlene Jennings is the Justice Critic. Mark Holland is the Critic for the Status of Ewoks.

Attention must be paid, indeed.

Labels: God Damned Labels

Please, please, please Jason Cherniak, tell us how this is good news...

Angus-Reid: Con 39% Lib 22% Ndp 17% Grn 11% Bq 10%

Suddenly, the OLO offices have become the set for the sequel to Panic Room.

Labels: Normally I don't talk polls but this is too much fun

CC: So, Gilles, are you licking your wounds?

Gilles: Not at all. Not at all. To butcher Cherniak, Monday’s results are the first step to separatism.

CC: But don’t you feel a bit out of touch with Quebeckers given that just days before the election, you predicted a PQ majority government?

Gilles: Baf! Not at all. If Monday proves anything, its that Quebeckers are out of touch with Quebec. We speak for Quebec, not Quebeckers.

CC: Interesting. So if Quebeckers don’t speak for Quebec – what is Quebec?

Gilles: I have on my bed a teddy bear with the fleur-de-lys embroidered on its chest. That’s Quebec. And I will defend Quebec’s interests to my last breath. And I will snuggle Quebec until my last sleep.

CC: Let me ask you, if the PQ dump Andre Boisclair as many have begun to suggest, will you move to run the Parti Quebecois?

Gilles: Hypotheticals. I’m not good with answering hypotheticals.

CC: Well, you’re not very good at answering much. So, will you stay or will you go?

Gilles: The PQ needs a fresh face. Probably, I’m that fresh face.

CC: Fresh? Isn’t that like caking 6 pounds of make up on Joan Rivers and calling her young?

Gilles: Fresh for Quebec. Here in Ottawa I may be a little long in the tooth, but in Quebec, they barely know me.

CC: Doesn’t it worry you, though, that as head of the PQ, you may one day have to make decisions as a premier?

Gilles: Holy Tabarnaque! That would have me sweating bullets for sure. But you know, the chances of the PQ taking power – even if Rene Levesque rose from the dead – are so small – I probably have a better chance at becoming Prime Minister.

CC: Thanks for this Gilles.

Labels: Heuresement Ici on n'a pas le Bloc

The chasmic disparity between pundit predictions and the actual results of the Quebec election left a great many political junkies angry; reaching for their pitchforks and blazing torches to exact a vigilante revenge. This site was no exception: many of us turned on our most revered columnist-idols, accusing them of boob-headedness for being so way off. But this isn't fair. And the cause of this anger is that we political junkies invest too much in the opinions of those junkies paid to be junkies.

In order to avoid future flashes of unhinged hostility towards the opinion makers in our media, I would like to draw attention to Chuckercanuck's Four Basic Facts about Columnists.

Fact 1. A columnist's first job is to sell newspapers.
Columnists are not a collection of Mother Theresas pursuing a noble crusade to improve the sum of human happiness. They work to sell newspapers. They produce short bursts of thought designed to provoke and entertain readers. They are a brainy horoscope, the wordy equivalent of NHL statistics or picture-free movie listings. Their success is measured by how well they contribute to creating a devoted readership for the newspaper. If newspapers find their circulation dropping - one place they should look to is the dusty, anachronistic ghouls haunting on their op/ed pages.

Fact 2. Columnists are propagandists.
There is no such thing as unbiased analysis. Everyone who writes a column is advancing his agenda, pushing her worldview and trying like mad to diminish his ideological opposition. Good columnists do so with some deference to facts and respect for logic. Bad ones don't bother and hope, in your early morning daze, that you don't notice. An example of a bad columnist would be Jeffrey Simpson (I would love to know with which pharoah he was originally entombed). Today, Jeffrey Simpson's screed against Quebeckers (and his ultimate bogeyman, Stephen Harper) contained two perversions - one of fact, one of logic.

Against facts, he claimed that Jean Charest demanded the federal parliament recognize Quebec as a nation and Harper complied. The history of the United Canada resolution begins with Stephen Harper's refusal to wade into a divisive semantic debate, moron-Liberals jumping head first into those jagged-bottomed waters and the Bloc Quebecois acting like fools. Jean Charest made no such demand, but a fact like that would hurt Jeffrey Simpson's propaganda.

Later in today's column, Jeffrey Simpson argues that Quebeckers were luke-warm to Jean Charest's promise of wringing evermore concessions from Ottawa. He concludes that this means Quebeckers expect even more radical concessions to be pushed by Mario Dumont. Never once does he consider the obvious: Quebeckers found the idea of "evermore concessions from Ottawa" tiring and entirely aside from the real, pressing business of the Quebec government: fiscal sanity. Why avoid the obvious? Because it does not fit with his propaganda.

My warning: a columnist who disputes Fact 2 will not be able to cure your baldness.

Fact 3. Columnists have very little influence.
Most people don't read columns. The people who read columns read only a select number of columns. Even junkies who might look at a dozen or more columns each day are selective in their reading. Either columns re-inforce your views or the opposite - and you read the opposite to confirm how silly the opposite opinion is. Columnists have a wider readership than blogs, obviously, but their influence is only marginally more appreciable.

Fact 4. Prick a columnist and they too bleed.
Before email, columnists were completely isolated from the quick fury and/or praise of those folks who read their columns. They could plump around town like peacocks, proud of the coveted positions they held, oblivious to any serious derision or scorn. Now, in the era of blogs, they can google an ocean of insult and invective directed at them (as Jeffrey Simpson could do with this very post). Some of that invective can be cutting and hurtful. Fairly, because some unpaid commentary can make plain how pedestrian many columnists are. Unfairly, because some columnists are not battle-hardened politicians accustomed to receiving the criticisms they relish dishing out. They are merely human beings with egos, sensitivities and delicate temperaments. Does this mean handle them with kid gloves? See Fact 1 & 2 for the answer.

Labels: *But were afraid to ask

Back tonight. Busy today. Here's the discussion:

Who's the bigger prima donna: Him or Him.

Bonus Question: how quickly will the sampling methodology of this be questioned by Liberal intellectuals?

Oh, oh. I might be triggering a lawsuit here. Or at the very least, accusations of bullying the leader of the official opposition. However, Stephane Dion's reaction to the Quebec election is nothing short of staggering and, may I say in my best Liberal accent, darn-tooting scary. Set against Mr. Dion's ACDC comments, Paul Martin's reaction seems clear-minded and sure-footed.

Stephane Dion had no choice but to begin with a limp cheer for the election results. He claimed that Quebeckers endorsed his worldview with this vote (the 3 pillars of government control, environmental hysteria and economic parasitism). Lucky for him, Jack Layton was out of the gates faster claiming to be the federal champion of the ADQ agenda. In this delusion, Stephane Dion sounded eerily similar to Andre Boisclair, tenaciously gripping a losing proposition.

But Stephane Dion could not resist making a simple, affirming reverie and walking away. He had to lash out at Stephen Harper as if it was the only way he can expel carbon dioxide from his lungs. So, he borrowed Andre Boisclair's line of attack: Stephen Harper was manipulating and blackmailing Quebeckers. Mr. Dion was more aligned with Andre Boisclair on this than Gilles Duceppe was!

As with ducks, if he thinks like a Boisclair, walks like a Boisclair and talks like a Boisclair. He is a Boisclair.

But let's pretend for a second that Stephane Dion was a responsible leader and said things that he actually thought on matters of state. His comments reveal something more terrifying than any separatist mantra that he may now find fashionable to exclaim.

While its a cliche for politicians to say, "its in the hands of the voters" or "I accept the wisdom of the democratic process", Stephane Dion claims that Quebeckers are easily subject to manipulation. Where some folks say, "the will of the people has spoken", Stephane Dion says, "that's not your will, I know far better than you what's your will."

It is, of course, classic Liberalism. It is not for the beer and popcorn eaters of the country to figger things out and decide what's best. It is for a small circle of Jedi knights who've tapped into the mysteries of the cosmos for everyone's benefits. Of course, those Jedis organize the Liberal party. Watch you back, Darth Harper - Yoda may not make any sense when speaking english, but he's a vicious son of a bitch with a hell of a light sabre.

Labels: Iggy's even worse

One pleasure of being a Conservative propagandist is that progressives long ago dismissed me as a zombie hack not worth reading because all I churn out is Harper spin, spin, spin. This makes Chuckercanuck a quiet eddy for Tories to gather digitally, talk shop and swap ideas without the worry of Liberals sniffing out what we're up to. A quick survey of Liberal blogs and the equivalent in the MSM tells us that like PQistes, they have ramped up production at their delusion factories because reality, to quote that rapper, used to be a friend of theirs.

Some trends that need to be expanded coming out of yesterday's fantastic election in Quebec.

1. Quebec is not the most "progressive" part of Canada. At 2.5 million people - larger than the majority of provinces, that distinction goes to Toronto where people think of their mayor as a centrist mainstreamer.

2. The ADQ vote is not a protest vote. The same gestalt that gave Jean Charest his first mandate led to the astonishing breakthrough for the ADQ today. If people were angry with Jean Charest yesterday, its because he managed to accomplish nothing of what he said he would accomplish. Few people seem to remember that Quebeckers were excited by his promise of a second Quiet Revolution - so excited, that Bernard Landry was pummelled. Call it a protest if you must, but don't ignore the fundamentals that spurred said protest.

3. Quebec will not be more strident and aggressive vis a vis Ottawa. Quebeckers did not vote for eye-poking and hissy fits. They voted to collaborate with Stephen Harper and return Canada to its original conception. Watch for Mario Dumont to do two things. One, he will remind Quebec of its critical role in the 1867 design of Canada and flesh out the autonomiste model in that vein. Two, he will conciliate with Canada in a way Jean Charest never could. He will remind Quebeckers that it is foolish to demonize Canada as Iran or the Soviet Empire the way the way the PQ do. Canada, he will tell us, "c'est un gang de bon yables."

4. With Quebec's leadership (ahem, plus ca change, n'est ce pas?) , Trudeaupia is dead. Separation isn't dead, but Trudeaupia is. How will the rest of Canada react now that the Liberals will be smoked out into collaborating openly with the PQ-BQ?

5. Separation isn't dead, but neither is your appendix.

Labels: 8.5 on the Richter Scale - next year expect a 9

8:00 pm -- is there any more retarded feature of the blogosphere than live blogging?

8:07 pm -- oops, I'd better do the dishes before my wife comes down from putting Rainbow and SkyPiper to bed.

8:22 pm -- time for cognac. I hate looking at riding results with one poll reporting.

8:40 pm -- 2nd place! Beating the PQ. Can you imagine if this holds?

8:41 pm -- Live blogging is such an act of egotism. I mean, who really gives to flying F%$#@s what I think. Its not exactly "Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man".

8:49 pm -- Prime Minister -- pull the plug!

9:01 pm -- TDH, thanks very much getting all hysterical this morning and demonizing Mario Dumont.... you made the difference!

9:12 pm -- yikes. cognac's gone. time for seconds.

9:22 pm -- Hey Gilles, once again, you seem to have no sense for Quebec. Are you sure you're a Quebec separatist? Have you ever been to Quebec? Just curious. ps. Quebec is that big land mass next to your cozy Ottawa haunt.

9:36 pm -- my best Stephane Dion imitation: Stephen Harper bullied Quebeckers into voting ADQ!

9:56 pm -- Myth of Canada Busted: Quebeckers are the most 'progressive' (read: retarded) voters in the country.

10:07 pm -- Liberal Minority. ADQ as official opposition. Now, let's go check my federal fallout post.....hmmmmm.....

10:16 pm -- Advice to Mario Dumont. Follow the Harper model --> kick out any Garth-like prima donnas and tell the rest of the caucus not to speak even when spoken to.

10:21 pm -- Advice to Jean Charest. Don't give up. Stay Premier, get Geoff Kelly to fork over his seat and represent my riding.

10:30 pm -- Advice to Andre Boislcair. Please don't cry in front of us. In fact, please put a bag on your head if you have puffy eyes.

10:33 pm -- Jason Cherniak's breaking news: Bob Rae wins. Response from Canada: crickets chirping. In March.

10:46 pm -- Memo to Paul Wells: don't quit your day job... err... I guess I mean... quit you day job! (I'm just kidding!)

10:47 pm -- Richard Marceau down in Charlesbourg. Again. Time to give up separatism and join the Harper bandwagon.

10:55 pm -- Memo to Andrew Coyne: have faith man. Rome isn't built in a day. But it does get built. (then it crumbles 1,000 years later).

11:18 pm -- Closing thoughts.

1) Not so bright folks think this means more confrontation and bigger troubles for Stephen Harper. Today, Quebeckers voted for more collaboration with Stephen Harper. Anyone who misses that does so at their electoral peril.

2) Hey Anglos of Montreal... wake up! If anything, its your sheepish devotion to a political party that doesn't represent you that is the biggest threat in terms of separation. Its not just the alienation from the rest of Quebec, its the fact that the rest of Quebec thinks we're freak masochist wimps. A bunch of anglophone Stephane Dions, if you will.

3) Charest wins his riding. Don't be scribbling his obtuary just yet.

Labels: Chuckercanuck's first Live Blog

Commentary like this should remind you never to feel sorry for the soft-on-terrorist, Taliban sympathizing Liberal party. They smear with the best of them.

One, pretty desperate to go all the way to Belfast to find a fellow demonizer. Two, while the Belfast paper says Dumont is sometimes referred to as Quebec's Le Pen, TDH manipulates that to read: the paper accuses Dumont of being a Le Pen. Three, its a running theme now - TDH regularly calls Quebec an intolerant society. I suppose, right now as he types, crosses are burning in Rouyn-Noranda... As for Belfast - there's the epicentre of tolerance, we could all learn something about reasonable accommodation from them!

Labels: No wait - Dumont is Chucky from the Child's Play series

In case any last undecided voters stumble onto my site before the closing of the polls tonight, I will vote for the ADQ on my way home from work.

For 30 years, Quebec democracy has been more interesting for paleontologists, not political scientists: our thinking stuck between beds of sediment deposited by a partnership of Liberals and Parti Quebecois that buries governance issues in favor of the evermore trivial “national” question. Regardless of who was in power, taxes rose, debt rose, the deficit rose, services expanded while quality dropped, roads crumbled and public works unions took over the province. The collapse of the Quebec state is more immediate than global warming and more catastrophic. A booming seniors demographic will consume increasing government services with a shrinking working population to pay for those services and the interest on debt those boomers racked up while playing “see no evil, hear no evil” when they ran the show. Something’s gotta give and the sooner it doers, the less painful for everyone.

The ADQ has some weak points.

Some of their candidates are loopy and many are not seasoned for government.

One, all Parti Quebecois candidates are loopy. They all agree on the desire to create an independent Quebec – the loopiest idea in the province. This band of gypsies and Zorros maintain that putting the fleur-de-lys on their passport will improve their romantic life, put a hot tub in their backyard and make a 25 hour work week possible. There will never be a loopier bunch than the Parti Quebecois.

Two, the Liberals have a formidable team… on paper. It’s hard to find a single promise these political superheroes managed to accomplish in their first term. Either they are not as competent as they pretend or they are unable to distinguish pragmatic reality from well-wishing fantasy. If that’s the most competent team on show, maybe competence is over-rated.

Three, every additional vote cast for the ADQ will encourage big names to hitch their wagon to the ADQ next time round. Rumors are that former Liberal justice minister Marc Bellemire wants to run for the ADQ in a subsequent election. There is every prospect of the ADQ assembling a “ready-to-govern” slate of candidates. Votes matter not only for this election, but the following one too.

Some of their ideas are too radical.

Being an incrementalist, I understand that people would shiver at the idea of scrapping school boards. Certainly, there are too many school boards in Quebec – we should have maybe 1 or 2 english school boards. Certainly, too much of the education budget never hits a classroom. But Richard Dreyfus showed us the way in that fine, fine movie: baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Liberals offer no real ideas. Whatever platform they have will be dumped on Tuesday and their past track record consists of staking out a position, being pummeled by the unions and then adopting the unions’ position.

The Parti Quebecois offers a single idea – the most radical and polarizing idea at play in Canada. Beyond that, it wants to ruin daycares and universities by making them dirt cheap in cost and quality. It wants to pillage suburbs to finance core city excesses. It wants to follow the Iranian model of centralized economic planning.

This election is about much more than who will govern us for the next 18 months (or, less likely, a full mandate). It is about how we will govern ourselves for the next 25 years. For this reason, I will cast a ballot for the ADQ.

Labels: Vote ADQ

With two little home-reared children, I spend most waking hours dodging thrown knives and putting out couch fires - rarely do I sit through a full episode of Question Period. I wish I had today, because on it, Gerard Kennedy makes an implicit accusation that Stephen Harper is a racist.

It bothers me that Gerard Kennedy is so perceptive. Tories had managed to go more than a year in government keeping its real agenda inches away from its sleeve cuff: the establishment of an Aryan nation in Canada. It doesn't have to be strictly white only, although that is the ideal. Rather, this Valhalla will have a white-only ruling class served by a small and loyal non-white working class.

We don't really care what groups of people make up this modern cerftitude; Sikhs, Arab muslims, Kurds, Armenians, anyone from the 'Stans, Africans - even Latin Americans are welcome. Except Selma Hayek - we'll look the other way and call her "Aryan". This non-Aryans underclass of New Canada won't have it all bad. Sure, they'll be some long hours and harsh working conditions, but gone are the burdens of making decisions, paying bills and figuring out where to eat on a Saturday night. The mostly benign Aryan masters will handle those hassles for them. And best of all, medicare remains in place.

All of this was going to make up the next election campaign platform: Vote Tory for Aryan Supremacy! But the cats out of the bag now and we'll have to scramble for a new campaign theme --- maybe something about greenhouse gas emissions.

Labels: I'm a Liberal and I'm okay - I sleep all night and I work all day

Whatever the results tomorrow, some conclusions are unavoidable particularly when the implications for federal politics are considered.

There are three losers and one winner from Quebec's 2007 campaign. Since talking about losers is much more entertaining than talking about winners, let's begin with them, from smallest loser to biggest loser.

Loser #3. Jack Layton
Jack Layton's NDP have no traction in Quebec. While the Quebec election is unquestionably a massive realignment within the province, that realignment excludes any introduction of the NDP. So, while the NDP didn't lose much, they didn't gain anything either. Why does the NDP have no traction in Quebec? Probably because you could count the number of pro-Canada, pro-Communist Quebeckers on a single hand. All wacky lefties are separatist and they are allergic to the thought of linking arms with their balance-of-Canada counterparts. Plus, Quebec lefties are fun. They drink, they party, they are never sure who they will wake up beside in the morning. The NDP, however, seem like a dour bunch of prohibitionists waiting for a chance to force every citizen into grey jumpsuit uniforms.

Loser #2. Gilles Duceppe
Gilles Duceppe and Andre Boisclair have presided over the fastest deterioration of political brands since Kim Campbell made fun of Jean Chretien's face. Both the Bloc Quebecois and the Parti Quebecois no longer represent a broad swath of Quebec opinion. The fact that Quebecois is in either party's name is an emerging joke - sure, they are Quebecois parties so long as Quebecois is defined as the island of Montreal, east of St-Laurent boulevard, south of the 40. The only reason Gilles Duceppe isn't the biggest federal loser in this election is that Andre Boisclair's near certain demise after Monday offers him an opportunity to take over the Parti Quebecois. The double-edged risk here is that he again refuse the offer proving with finality that Gilles Duceppe hasn't the courage to govern and prefers perennial opposition.

Loser #1. Stephane Dion
Stephane Dion had zero impact on the election. In the early days of the campaign, Mr. Dion encouraged disgruntled federalists to vote ADQ. Barely anyone noticed this pronouncement and those that did shrugged their shoulders except to giggle at Stephane Dion's urging people to vote for a party he would normally be demonizing. Then, this past week, before looking at the budget, Stephane Dion went against it - placing him on the political fringe of Quebec politics next to Doug Henning and the Natural Law Party. While in the short term, the lack of interest in Stephane Dion in Quebec shields him from scorn and ridicule, his opposition to the 2007 budget will be ruinous for him and his party. Don't believe me? Ask his former colleague, Jean Lapierre!

Big Winner. Stephen Harper
There are a few reasons why Stephen Harper emerges the big winner from the Quebec campaign:

1. With Budget 2007, Stephen Harper has established himself as a man who makes a commitment and honours it. Quebeckers may not love him, but they admire and respect him. Its not simply a case of there being no hidden agenda argument to against him: it is that Stephen Harper now has sufficient goodwill in Quebec to articulate a fully conservative agenda to a willing population. Andrew Coyne: rejoice!
2. At the provincial level, Mario Dumont is the only winner of this campaign. In Mario Dumont, Stephen Harper has an on-the-ground, de la terroir, advocate for the Conservative party. Quebeckers will look at Stephen Harper and they won't see Calgary Sheiks descending upon them, but fellas from Riviere-du-Loup, St-George-de-Beauce and Mirabel. Stephen Harper's politics, to a great swath of Quebec, will seem more naturally Quebecker than Stephane Dion's urban, academic wimpiness.
3. Outside of Quebec, Canadians will realize (if they haven't already) that Stephen Harper is our greatest combatant against separatists. Stephen Harper, more than any single politician in the land, is best equipped to send separatists scurrying under rocks and up trees in dizzy fear.

Who actually wins the election tomorrow doesn't matter.

Labels: Cherniak accuses Chow of Cheating - check it out

During the Quebec election campaign, the ADQ have been described as a place where to park a protest vote. Voting for the ADQ, editorialists and pundits tell us, is voting against something. Certainly, there is an incomplete truth there. Many people will be voting ADQ, in part, because they are fed up with successive governments driving the Quebec bus at full tilt into a wall that's only about a decade away.

But there are positive things driving the ADQ vote as well. Mario Dumont gave a speech to the Montreal Chamber of Commerce in which he made some comments that I will reproduce here:

"We have to ask ourselves if our project as a society is to be the biggest recipient of equalization, or to roll up our sleeves and become someone who contributes to equalization."

Get back up on your chair. There are few places in Canada where someone running for premier would advocate that position. In Quebec, the project has been to be the largest recipient of equalization payments whether its Liberal or PQ governments ruining our province.

When I cast a vote for the ADQ on Monday, granted, there'll be a little protest in my vote. But mostly, I'll be voting to state the obvious: nothing prevents Quebec from being the richest corner of North America.

Labels: From each according to his ability, who defines ability?

Judging from two polls this week, the Liberals should be learning that no matter how small you shrink the tent, the place still looks pretty empty.

Tom Wappel has announced his intention to resign his seat. The news has been greeted with great cheers from influential Liberals in blogolia. Does this reaction make any sense at all? When the Liberal party sought the advice of american Howard Dean last December, he told them not to cede a single corner of the country. Did they listen? No. They are gripped with a powerful urge to purge anyone whose convictions vary an inch from Dion Dogma.

In so doing, they tell Canadians that likely theirs is not a home for them, that drifting away from the central tenets of postmodern vacuum-think will earn them scorn and derision within the Liberal party. Cheer abortions, celebrate group sex and you'll fit right in. Otherwise, move along cave-man freak and go sit with those middle-of-the-roaders in the Tory party.

Meanwhile, I have never felt an inch of discomfort debating a range of issues with my fellow Tories. I would never criminalize abortions; I would never advocate for capital punishment (well, I'm not weeping over Saddam Hussein); I prefer same-sex marriage to the former status quo of no legal recognition of long-term monogamous relationships. Never once has a fellow right-wing extremist made me feel unwelcome or wished for my departure from the movement because of my positions. Instead, we benefit from passionate debate amongst ourselves as part of the effort of being a truly national party. In this, we are now clearly alone.

PS. Today is the first day I saw what Tom Wappel looks like. Ironically, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Bill Graham.

Labels: The Liberal Inquisition Continues

It seems Stephane Dion’s leadership has been rubbing off on his fair-weather caucus: you’re learning very quickly how to play the role of weeping, wounded wimp. You’re still steaming from, to put it in your leader’s words: “being asked to choose between Canadian soldiers and the Taliban”. And you’re still calling for the resignation of the Minister of Defense for reasons that seem sketchy and desperate.

According to you, keeping this Minister of Defense in place “ruins Canada’s international reputation and puts our troops at risk.” I can assure you, outside of planet Liberal, no one worries for a second about your wounded feelings. In fact, you know what ruins Canada’s international reputation? Flippancy – which has been for some time know your stock and trade. Afterall, this fall you accused Israel of war crimes. This would be the most serious accusation one can level at a state. You leveled it in your quest to become leader of the Liberal party and ultimately, leader of Canada. It is repugnant to think that once you made the accusation, you dropped the issue – leaving war criminals off the hook and victims of these crimes without the defense you flirted with providing. If you want to be taken seriously on international matters, it seems clear that you must continue your quest to have the State of Israel brought up on charges of war crimes. Anything less makes you look as clownish as you accuses the 9/11 family victims of being.

Meanwhile, it is platitudinally obvious that Tories, as you say, “do not have a monopoly on patriotism.” The problem, friend, is not a monopoly from Tories, but that Liberals are not even in that market. Love of Canada and love of the Liberal Party are not the same thing. But I’m in no hurry to see you figure that out.

Labels: Wallowing in Self-Pity is not Attractive

The Big Cheez at the CBC has called on parliament to give the public broadcaster a 10 year mandate - a charter of expectations similar to the one assigned the BBC - accompanied, no doubt by truck fulls of cash. Helpfully, the CBC has offered a draft charter that the parliamentary heritage committee could adopt as its own. Luckily for readers, Chuckercanuck has obtained a copy for your consideration.

The CBC's 10 year mandate according to the CBC

1. Radio One - News and More.
In the 21st century, its more important than ever to recognize what is and isn't news. The CBC plans to offer Canadians a source of information that you won't find elsewhere.

Example, sexually liberalized, Canadians hunger for news about how to increase pleasure both for themselves and their partners. We are proud to have made strides in this area already. Afterall, without the CBC, Canadians would not know that you could replace game controls on an X-Box with vibrators and other assorted battery-powered sex toys to take games such as Mortal Kombat and Zombie Invasion to a whole new level of thrill-seeking.

Furthermore, to keep up with a rapidly declining intellect among Canadians, the CBC will ensure on-air personalities and hosts match that decline lost brain cell for lost brain cell. Women will have a standardized speech pattern that might be called "high-tech Valley girl" and men will regularly comment on how confusing things like big numbers are. They won't clear up misunderstandings, they will celebrate them.

2. Radio Two - Classics and Beyond.
In the 21st century, it is important to update what exaclty "is" classical. Our new mantra: "Roll over Beethoven". Afterall, what is a classics radio station without Classic Rock? More Steve Miller Band, more Eagles, more ACDC. Helping deliver this classic content will be an army of folks who sound like they pop uppers every twenty minutes.

3. CBC Newsworld
We propose no changes to this station, leaving it a 50% - 50% split between Antiques Roadshow and repeat documentaries reminding Canadians that George W. Bush is the worst man in human history. Thanks to that aforementioned declining intellect, we will tell our audience that the repeat documentaries are "encore presentations" that Newsworld brought back due to their demands for the programming. They will be too stupid to know otherwise.

4. CBC Television
Our main thrust here will be to keep Rick Mercer fully employed and, if we are lucky, bag Scott Feschuk as a writer. In fact, we're testing a concept that just might run the whole next 10 years. Its called "The Not So Odd Couple". Starring David Suzuki and Stephen Lewis as two dedicated activists who spend their day's telling Canadians how terrible they are and their night's betting on how the world will end from the many possibilities available. Scott's written the pilot and its a killer.

As you can see, the CBC is vibrant and can clearly demonstrate the critical role it plays in Canadian life. We think a doubling of our budget hardly merits even the briefest parliamentary review.

Labels: Labels are the Promo Girl of Blogging

I can understand why Jack Layton is lying low these days. Every time the other opposition parties stand up to denounce whatever pet outrage tickles their fancy, they come away dizzy and wounded.

1. Gilles Duceppe does a really good imitation of an uber-prude who has stumbled into a lap dance joint.

Gilles blah, blah, blahs about negotiating something or other with the provincial government of Quebec.

The Prime Minister responds, "I'll deal with a federalist government in Quebec only."

Gilles is flummoxed and choking with rage. "But Rene Levesque and Pierre Trudeau negotiated!" he retorts. Everyone laughs (except Liberals who find nothing funny except condoms that say "vote Gerard".) One, didn't that whole negotiation episode end with what you seppies call the "night of the long knives?" Suddenly, the Bloc Quebecois - defenders of Quebec separatism - are pining for those good ol' days? Talk about a party gone senile. Two, what logic is there in negotiating elements of federalism with people whose objective is to make those negotiations fail? Its like a falun gong prisoner negotiating what organ the Chinese government can steal from him. No, not a lung, just take my liver, please. Oh, okay, I'll throw in the spleen if you promise to leave my heart intact for 6 months...

Its a lovely bit of clarity for Quebeckers. We have the freedom to put any type of government in the National Assembly we want but we shouldn't expect the federal government to pretend a separatist provincial government is anything but that. Quebeckers deserve that sort of clarity because otherwise, we will drown in another three decades of murky politicking. (Not unrelated aside: the population of Montreal is only now back where it was in 1976, the first year of a PQ government.)

2. Stephane Dion didn't think anyone has been listening to him and gets angry when he finds out we have.

Stephane Dion calls for Gordon O'Connors head because the Minister of Defense did not accurately depict the protocols for the treatment of Afghan prisoners-of-war, for which he apologized. The Prime Minister replied that hopefully, one day, the official opposition would become as passionate about Canadian soldiers as it is about Taliban prisoners. Afterall, Liberal support for the mission has been, at best, tepid; particularly set against the Governor General's passionate defense of the mission - hardly a Tory stooge the GG. But Liberal concern for failed suicide-bombers and would-be school arsonists has been enthusiastic if not fanatic.

The Liberals reacted like they were auditioning for a remake of George A. Romero's "Monkey Shines". This is now part of the 4 stages of Liberal reaction: (1) ape-shit; (2) threaten lawsuits; (3) pout and cry "bully"; (4) claim the PM is actually stealing their ideas.

If Gordon O'Connor wants to regain the admiration of the Liberal party, my advice would be: rip into Rick Hillier then head out to a peace rally with Hizbullah sympathizers.

But it seems to me the Tories have finished playing nice with Liberals and separatists. So, I don't expect Minister O'Connor staging a sit-in with the "9/11 was an inside job" crowd anytime soon. Meanwhile, Jack Layton stays quiet like a hedgehog wanting desperately to go unnoticed.

Labels: As if anyone will ever research this blog by label

Labels: Garth Turner - you have competition

Chuckercanuck has fired his clairvoyant because she got the reactions to this budget all wrong. There's no use for my readers to come here and learn in advance what people will say about the budget unless what they learn is accurate. In the interest of setting the record straight, here's a recap of reactions to the budget.

Gilles Duceppe
"Allo, Andre? What do I do? I never thought that between the two of us, I'd be the panicky one, but politics is a funny business, no? Anyway... help me. For some reason, I've put a gun to my head and decided I have to react instantly. Help me! What are you going to say? Okay. Okay. I'll support it. Count to 10. Breath in. Breath out. Oh shit, this Bloc Quebecois thing looks like a stunt 10 years past due."

Jack Layton
(doesn't actually say anything, just roars unintelligently like a Frankenstein monster in ripped jeans and with squeegee in hand.)

Elizabeth May
"We would vote against this budget. Not that it matters, I don't seriously plan to sit in parliament. Why are you even asking? What I would like is to change the election rules so that our votes get added to the Liberal candidate votes in every riding. I mean, we're not really, actually a political party. Did I say that out loud? Oops. But you won't print that, you're all too sweet on me."

Jason Cherniak, deputy leader of digital democracy
"Let me tell you why I'm against this budget. The only reason we tax people is to redistribute wealth. Take from the rich, give to the poor. Unless you take from the rich and give to the poor, then I'm not jumping on your bandwagon. Unless you're the Liberal party, then you can take from the poor and give to the rich. That's brilliant under those circumstances. You could also, as Liberals, take from everybody and keep the cash. That makes sense."

TDH Strategies
"Off topic, its real nice to see Martha Hall Findlay and Gerard Kennedy rake in boatloads playing backroom organizers for Stephane Dion. Its just that there are a whole raft of folks across Canada waiting to get paid for work they did last year during the Liberal leadership race. Hmmmm. Before panic sets in, in the name of party unity, can we spot them a c-note?"

Stephane Dion
"I was against this budget before it was written. And anyone who dares even read the work of Satan before deciding whether to support it or not is no Liberal. I have removed one tumor from our caucus already - that pesky Joe C - and any Quebec MPs planning to defy me will meet a similar fate. My english is not so good, but I do know this: there is a capital I in teaIm. I lead, you follow. I speak, you swallow. Also, caucus is asked to present themselves Friday morning in my offices one-by-one according to the schedule Garth Turner will post on his blog. At that time, he and I will be conducting an inquisition to assess how much of a good Liberal you are and whether or not you deserve to remain in our party."

Anonymous Quebec MPs
"Lambs to the slaughter are we."

Labels: You can't trust fortune tellers

Andrew Coyne asked Conservatives if this government was the kind of government we wanted when we voted Conservative. Hey guess what? Life is bigger than a single budget which happens to exactly respect a major promise made during the 2006 election in which we voted Conservative. (Side note: if Charest did deliver tax cuts with new cash from Ottawa, then I suppose Mr. Coyne would be forced to eat crow since so much of the new spending went to.... drum roll please.... tax cuts! Anyway, that's end-of-campaign fantasizing). What else could possibly matter to those of us who voted Tory?

Here's the kind of news that makes me happy to have PM Harper in charge of the country and not the cabal of academics running the Liberal party. What point is a tax cut when your date to the high school prom puts a bomb factory in his basement? How loudly would you cheer the oxy-moron of a Liberal tax-cutting agenda if that government made it easier for surly Samir to gather some buddies and hatch a plan to take down First Canadian Place? How well would you sleep at night knowing Stephane Dion is working hard at addressing the root causes of home grown extremism?

Ah yes, those evil Imperial yankees imposed free trade on Canada with the unavoidable consequence of triggering the jihadization of the nation's teenagers. They humiliated us with their slick Beverly Hills 90210 which, set against the acne-riddled Degrassi, made us look like baffoonish losers. Ergo, we are hungry to lash out and assert our pride with noble martyrdom projects. But don't worry, the Liberal party promises, for the 15th time, to scrap free trade and ban American cultural products as a way to intelligently address the root causes of home-grown extremism.

Oh Chuckercanuck, stop getting your knickers twisted in knots - what's CSIS anyway? A bunch of Harper "yes men", that's what (at least, that will be Denis Corderre's line of thinking, won't it). Well, here's a taste of what's to come via Jason Bo Green. Enjoy the whole terrifying spectacle.

Labels: Kufr is not a misspelling of a yogurt brand

Chuckercanuck's Fourth Law of Politics: If Andrew Coyne and Jason Cherniak are united in outrage, you know you've done something right. There is a tack-on to that law, if Paul Wells descends into class warfareism (as he does today with RESPs in Outremont and Rosedale), then you know you've hit a homerun. Ergo, the Tory Budget of 2007 is a homerun.

I say homerun and not hat-trick because as spectacular a success the budget is, its in a game that I'm not crazy about. Ultimately, I would like to put Quick Tax out of business with how simple the income tax form is, not guarantee its business with new credits and deductions and a proliferation of rules. As well, there are government programs and institutions whose funding should be questioned and, in many cases, ummmm, "re-engineered". At the same time, I don't want a revolution in every budget. This is Canada, afterall, where incrementalism is a state religion - thank God.

On top of enormous funding for environmental action, particularly on smog and green-house gas emissions, this budget makes it easier to purchase environmentally friendly cars and sets a penalty for purchasing one of those belching bohemoths. Canadians can at last say: finally, a government is taking real, measurable action on this file. And every time Elizabeth May rails against this budget - or more disgustingly, compares it unfavourably to past Liberal non-efforts, she squeezes a little more life out of the fledgling Green Party.

More significantly: The Tories Solved the Fiscal Imbalance. In a few short months, the separatists of Quebec have lost the two pillars of their cause celebre. One, Quebeckers form a nation within a united Canada. Two, there is a fiscal imbalance. Of course, as Andrew Coyne would say, Gilles Duceppe will be back for more cash. But he's put himself in a major pickle. He supported last year's budget to give the Tories a chance at writing this year's budget. The condition was: solve the fiscal imbalance on our terms. Well, if the fiscal imbalance isn't solved, the Bloc Quebecois cannot support this budget. By terms set by the Bloc last year: supporting this budget means they agree - the fiscal imbalance is solved. End of Story.

In fact, a quick survey of Quebec's newspapers (okay, mostly just the Tory-unfriendly La Presses) shows they agree: the fiscal imbalance is solved. From now on, Quebec will have to solve its fiscal mess itself.

Labels: Boring Budgets aren't Bad Budgets

Friends, do you feel guilty every time you hop in your car, turn on the central air conditioning or purchase Chilean sea bass? Of course you do! You know that slowly but surely you are killing yourself, your children and the planet. You know that by burning fossils fuels en route to satisfying your many whims and cravings, islands will sink, mountains will explode and millions will die of starvation and cataclysms portrayed in the documentary, “The Day After Tomorrow”, starring Dennis Quaid as a fellow who can outrun a speeding glacier!

Friends, I’m here with an offer – a balm for your guilty soul – a product so revolutionary you’ll never think twice before leaving you Hummer idling for an hour or charter a private jet so the family can see the latest exhibit at the ROM. So what is this miracle?

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You go about your business. Whatever tickles your fancy. Take a helicopter to work. Run a leaf blower 24/7 in your backyard…. In winter. It doesn’t matter. Just send me money and I’ll not do any of these things.

For $10, I’ll walk to the corner store the next time I’m out of beer.
For $25, I’ll buy local produce so you can stuff your face with exotic fruit.
For $100, I’ll stay home. I won’t do anything. I’ll hang in my basement, posting blog entries.

These are daily fares, of course. A full menu of carbon offsets can be reached at www.chuckercanuckcarbonoffsets.un.org. If you need to purchase offsets for more than one person, I can provide headcount of folks willing to do nothing at home so you can do something out there.

Note: receipts not available for purchased offsets.

Labels: Eat your heart out Donald Trump

How will the various players across Canada react to tomorrow's budget? Well, here's a sneak peak.

Stephane Dion
Its amazing how the Tories can make priorities. I really don't know how they do dat. Its a bit intimidating - you know, they look at things and say "yes", "no", "yes", "maybe next time". Needless to say, we hate this budget because they made it. In the meantime, I would like to unveil my newest plan for fighting climate change. Forget the one you saw last week, this one is really, really good - it is a hard-cap, cap-and-trade, carbon offset, megatonnes of administration plan that you will all love. My newest plan, Green 6.2, will save the planet, satisfy Kyoto, make everyone rich and ressurect Elvis.

Elizabeth May
The budget thingy? Whatever Stephane Dion says. I'm planning to run against Peter MacKay and the Liberals won't field a candidate in that riding. So, basically, since becoming leader of the Green Party I have covertly joined it to the Liberal party. There is no Green Party anymore - just a Green wing to the Big Red Machine. Feel screwed long time party activists? Suck it up, you knew I was an empty can when you voed me in. Running against Peter MacKay is a publicity stunt that shows you how unserious I am about ever getting into parliament.

Jack Layton
Please, please - I have a unique perspective on this budget. Listen to me. Won't anyone listen to me?

Gilles Duceppe
I spent the weekend demonizing Stephen Harper as a scary right-winger, but I will vote for this budget. Don't call me hypocritical, I'm just a contrarian. Besides, I never put my money where my mouth is when there's an option to put Alberta's money where my mouth is.

James Traverse (et al)
And yet, somewhere in this election-friendly budget are the stuff that will give Canadians deep misgivings about how close the Harper government is to Bush's Washington. Money for the environment, debt repayment, modest tax reflief, help for farmers, infrastructure investments - it all adds up to a "so-called" war on terror whose end result is more terrifying than what we started with.

Andre Boisclair
Dis round-eyed fellow from the tar sands has his head in the tar sands and Quebeckers don't like tar sands. I will hold a referendum to protect us from the tar sands even if I have to hold the referendum illegally. You know why? Because as many separatists have long suspected, I am a saboteur - a fifth column within the separatist movement with a hidden agenda to destroy the separatist movement. I am Thelma and the separatist movement is Louise. The promise of an illegal separation referendum will be like driving over a cliff to our deaths. Wait! Wait! I didn't say that. You, yellow-skinned slanty-eyed journalist, come back - I love you! - let me correct myself. C'mon. Hey, you, tar-sand coloured journalist, don't misquote me.

Jean Charest
I actually wrote this budget. In fact, pretty much everything that's been done on this continent is the last thirty years can be credited to me. I don't know what Al Gore was smoking --- I invented the internet.

Mario Dumont
Mr. Harper keeps his word. He says what he will do and he does it. Thank you, Mr. Harper.

Dalton McGuinty
This budget is good for Ontario. Thank god the opposition are a group of weak-kneed blow-hards and will support the budget to save their hides.

Labels: Clairvoyant, Hat Tip to Madame Batavia

Andre Boisclair calls the Action Democratique a "one-man show". Beyond Mario Dumont, the ADQ has a shallow talent pool bumbling fools who couldn't run a landromat let alone the Quebec government. Before examining the merits of the ADQ team, let us take a look at the glass house Mr. Boisclair finds himself in.

Andre Boisclair promised Quebec to field a dream team in this election. In fairness, there are a handful of people with reasonable experience - Richard Legendre and Francois Legault are the only ones that come to my mind. The rest are a gaggle of cooks who've spent their careers denying genocides or performing in half-empty theatres. Gone are the old-guard PQ who have any executive or governance experience. True, he landed the Quebec bureau chief for Radio-Canada - I'd love to hear a journalist explain why hitting filing deadlines qualifies them to run a health ministry (what's that saying about those testicle-free fellas in a harem?).

More importantly, consider who is levelling the accusation --- Andre Boisclair. When the PQ formed government in the early 90s, Andre Boisclair was a college drop-out without a single credible accomplishment. They put him in cabinet! Did he refuse the appointment on the grounds that he was grossly, gargantuanly underqualified to run a ministry? Nope. He took the limo and expense account with a toothy smile.

Is he anymore qualified to be premier now than he was then? Absolutely not. His only experience is his time in cabinet. Sure, he got a one-year certificate from Harvard. But his cabinet experience is all he brings to the table. Ah, but Chuckercanuck, what better experience is there than cabinet experience? Under normal circumstances, I would agree. But when you've spent that time snorting coke and having left-wing-only group sex, you can hardly point to that experience as proof of competence. Especially when we see that Andre Boisclair thinks of his time in cabinet as error-free - a perfect slice of Paradise in Quebec's history.

Bottom line: not a single ADQ candidate is LESS qualified than Andre Boisclair was when he entered cabinet. And that, is irrefutable.

Labels: This is about demonizing the right

Rainbow and Skypiper have a dvd from Thomas (the train) and Friends chock full of their biggest musical hits. My personal favorite is a ditty called "surprises, surprises" which features a series of catastrophes that only stiff-upper-lip British could dismiss as mere surprises. Trains getting derailed, buried in avalanches, hanging for dear life over collapsed bridges... these are the kinds of surprises the song celebrates.

To my mind, the Quebec election would fit perfectly in the Thomas montage - as it is no undeniably laden with surprises. I would never have guessed the three parties would be almost equal coming into the last leg of this campaign.

I thought Jean Charest finished the debate with the momentum in hand. Sure, his record is patchy but - to botch a line from Voltaire's Candide - he gave us the best of all possible governments and he used the debate to successfully argue this point. But Quebeckers didn't like his government - all through his tenure, he found a way to piss off everyone at least some of the time. It seems embarassingly clear now but the Liberal campaign strategy is monumentally stupid: "hey, if you hated our first mandate, guess what? We're going to give you a lot more of it."

The idea that Stephen Harper could rescue Jean Charest from a doom of his own making has an appealing logic for those who see in Stephen Harper the perfect mix of Einstein, Churchill and Gandalf. Folks like me. But Stephen Harper is only Prime Minister of Canada - his interventions are not personal; they are programmatic. The federal government creates a climate that favours the unity-minded but it remains Jean Charest's personal burden to earn his right to be premier.

Today, Mario Dumont began a new line of attack that would give Tories tingles while be devastating to Jean Charest because its true. Mr. Dumont pointed out that much of the positive pro-Canada stuff Jean Charest credits himself with has nothing to do with Jean Charest and everything to do with Stephen Harper. Fiscal balance, open federalism, UNESCO and the Quebec nation within Canada resolution are achievements to Mr. Harper's credit. Mr. Harper, Mario Dumont argued today, is a man who keeps his word and he should be saluted by Quebec, not Jean Charest. [And to think, Stephane Dion was urging disaffected Quebeckers to vote ADQ just two or three short weeks ago! That will look mighty foolish in pretty short order.]

Finally, Andre Boisclair was arguing this morning that come hell or highwater, he will push a referendum on sovereignty through. He has abandoned the byzantine language of "public consultation" to rally separatists to his cause. He has had some success here - fringe parties like the Greens and Quebec Solidaires - have fizzled in the past week. Still, its fair to guess that this shift in support comes in deep urban ridings where the extra votes don't deliver extra ridings. More importantly, the PQ referendum mania means they have abandoned any attempt to draw voters beyond their core support, likely because that core is so fragile.

With that, I make one prediction: the Federal Budget will have ZERO impact at best, unexpected impact at worst on the Quebec elections. Beyond that, no one has any friggin' clue how this popular support carves itself up riding by riding. March 26th will be a long but exciting night.

Labels: March Madness Doesn't Always mean Basketball

Happily, the Liberals have decided to abandon the long-held view that Stephen Harper is scary and beholden to an extreme right wing agenda concocted at Crawford. Instead, the new strategy pushed by Stephane Dion, and his last remaining loyal troop, is that Stephen Harper and the Tories steal all his ideas. This morning, I thought it would be fun to dissect this clever tactic for all the things it says and doesn’t say about our federal politics.

Liberals cannot be trusted
For years, Liberals have warned Canadians that anything less than a Liberal government would trigger the destruction of the nation and the dawn of a Hobbesian dark age. Cynics would suggest the Liberals knew this to be a convenient lie they would peddle to herd gullible voters into their corral. I take the view that Liberals were not lying – when Stephane Dion says that a plurality of Canadians have “no social conscience”, he means it. The problem is the gaping chasm that separates the Liberal worldview from reality – its as if they were in the basket of a hot-air balloon, focused squarely within the wicker walls, oblivious of their slow drift away from the ground until suddenly, the distance seems to great to breach. Regardless of whether it was a lie or arrogant delusion, Liberals cannot be trusted with power.

Crappy Ideas Need Not Apply
One problem Liberals have with their newest line of reasoning is that it offers the Tories an opportunity to point out all the crappy ideas from which Canadians have been mercifully spared. The most sinister and corrosive is the Liberal agenda to dismantle the traditional family and stamp out the scourge of parent-raised children. Yes, Margaret Atwood is a Liberal, but that doesn’t mean we should attempt to implement a Handmaid’s Tale. Worryingly, a minority government means that Tories can’t protect Canadians from every terrible idea that pops into Liberal heads. Recently, the Liberals sabotaged anti-terrorist measures with collaboration from the separatist Bloc Quebecois and the radical NDP. So, Canadians will only be fully protected from Liberal madness once the Tories secure a majority government.

Tories Govern on Behalf of Everybody
Everybody and their mother rushes to claim good ideas a government implements. Liberals are no different from a legion of interest groups in that respect – or the other parties. The NDP, for example, have managed to offer up useful stuff to this government – actually, with greater success than the Liberals. Importantly, what the Tory government has shown is that good ideas are not the province of a single ideology. The Tories listen to all interested parties, all perspectives and then, with a steady, pragmatic hand, form government policy accordingly. Every stakeholder, every citizen can feel, with confidence that a Tory government will listen to their proposals and ideas that should fly, will fly.

Labels: Wasn't That a Fellini movie?

My buddy is running as the ADQ candidate in my riding. Tonight, I went canvassing with him.

So, we arrive at a house in his neighboorhood that he knows well. The lady of the house spends the summer weeding her front lawn. She is a fixture on the street from May to October. Here's what happened when we got to the front door.

(ring doorbell. wait fifteen seconds. A young man answers the door.)

Candidate: Hello, I'm Mr. X, I'm running as the ADQ candidate in your riding.

Man: Uh-huh.

Candidate: I know your house well, your mother does a fantastic job with her garden.

Man (facial expression goes from apathy to stone coldness): That's my wife.

(door slams shut)

Labels: Nobody bats 1000

UPDATE FIRST:
Okay. I've checked with sources who know. It isn't right to say that the french term that translates into "slanty eyes" carries anything approximating the racial overtones that the english term does. It appears that the groups who went after Andre Boisclair do not represent a substantial portion of Asian-Quebecker opinion on this matter. Ergo, its not right to lunge at Andre Boisclair's jugular for the use of this term, however, mmmmmmm, poorly chosen it might be. I am not pulling a Garth Turner, I leave the original content up - unedited - so you can see what an idiot I am. Rarely am, of course.

Not that Andre Boisclair cares what Chuckercanuck thinks, but I am sorry for my trigger-happy attack. My fear that he could possibly become premier and turn the province into the set for a Rob Zombie movie caused me to react intemperately.

Two weeks ago, a shock jock on talk radio called Andre Boisclair "a fag". It was almost too perfect you'd think the whole thing was an easy set up for Mr. Boisclair to score some points with teary indignation. Its an insult to all of Quebec, he said through long, dramatic pauses that would make Madame Butterfly feel amateurish. The Montreal media buzzed sympathetically and sprayed venom on the knuckle-dragging hordes that live in those pathetic little hovels off island.

But sensitivity begins and ends with three men in a tent having whip-cream-lubed group sex.

Ethnic slurs, according to Andre Boisclair, are fine and dandy. I mean, not against Pepsis or Frogs. Likely, he'd also be willing to protect us square headed, rosbif eaters to keep peace in the Aryan family. But you know who's fair game? Hymies, negroes, wops, pakis, spics and, ugliest of all, slanty-eyed folks. For them, Andre Boisclair spares not an inch of sympathy.

If Andre Boisclair was a candidate for the ADQ - what would be happening? Jean Charest would be having spasms, the PQ would be frothing and the media would be circling like vultures waiting to pick at the scraps left by his or her dismissal. That trio of the mainstream would declare the ADQ to be a one-man show with cooks and crazies backing him up. It would be another triumph.

If the same logic and passion for decency were applied here, Andre Boisclair would not be the leader of the Parti Quebecois come tomorrow morning. But that won't happen because its just some mouthy gooks complaining.

Labels: Andrew Dice Clay runs the PQ

Using techniques I learned from a biography of our longest serving Prime Minister, I hooked up with Xerxes via seance to find out what he thought of the raging controversy over the movie 300 in Iran.

CC: Xerxes, thanks very much for taking the time to speak with me.

Xerxes: Its an honour Chuckercanuck. I'm a big fan.

CC: Really?

Xerxes: That Garth Turner scoop was awesome! And to Stephane Dion, let me just say: birds of a feather, my friend, birds of a feather.

CC: So you follow Canadian politics?

Xerxes: Absolutely, everyone in heaven does these days. Do you read the Economist? They're bigger Harpermaniacs than you!

CC (laughs): Okay. Well, let's start off. Did you see the movie 300?

Xerxes: Sure I did. We had an advanced screening a few weeks back.

CC: What did you think?

Xerxes: Oh, its fantastic. Beautiful to watch, very exciting. Like Braveheart without the drunk jew-basher. Your FX guys in Quebec are brilliant! It wasn't perfect, mind you. See, what you guys don't get is that in those days, Greece didn't mean all that much to me. It was a backwater on the fringe of my world-straddling empire. Some olive oil and good sandal makers - but not worth very much to me. Sure, they held us off a bit, but I was like, "whatever".

CC: Fascinating. What do you make of the controversy in Iran.

Xexes (after a pause): I guess you can't see me but I just rolled my eyes.

CC: So you don't agree with President Ahmedinejad that 300 is an insult to Iranian culture?

Xerxes: Insult? Look who's talking! If anything is an insult to Iranian culture, its the current Iranian regime.

CC: Explain.

Xerxes: First off, I was the greatest builder of my time. I built things that made the world swoon - masterpieces of engineering and architecture. Nowadays, they need Russians and Germans to build everything for them. Its embarassing. I had scholars, scientists. We advanced the human condition - not curdle it.

CC: Good point.

Xerxes: I'm just getting started. My empire - and those Romans had nothing on me, I'll remind you - was an economic empire. I traded, I made business flourish. Look at Iran today - they sit on a garguantuan oil reserve and still have like half the country unemployed. They're lucky to get a boatload of pistachios out of their country. Its pathetic! They should be ashamed of themselves and their farcical five-year plans. Alberta and Norway look a lot more like my Persia than Iran does.

CC: I hadn't thought of that.

Xerxes: And talk about closed-minded. Do you know how many different religious traditions existed in my empire? Thousands! I wasn't trying to force Zoaraster down anyone's throat - I respected everybody's beliefs so long as they traded and paid taxes. Call me crazy, but as Bill Clinton put it: my kind of Persian was someone who showed up for work and paid their dues to the country. None of this fanaticism and fatwa-fetish. When I look at those clowns, I cringe.

CC: So, no sympathy then for the outrage in Tehran?

Xerxes: Look, Machiavelli has nothing to teach me. The poor suckers saddled with the mullahs are a perenially unhappy bunch and if you want to keep the peace, you find some way for them to release steam. So, I understand the ploy, but at the risk of sounding like one of your facist-friendly 9/11 truthers, this venting does nothing to address the root causes. Hey, this has been fun, but I've got a squash game against Voltaire in 15 minutes. Can we wrap this up?

CC: Sure, sure. Any closing thoughts?

Xerxes: Just that when I ran the world, tyrant wasn't a four-letter word.

CC: Xerxes, Great King of Kings, thank you.

Xerxes: You betcha.

Labels: I interview them, Some see dead people

I know I’m getting dangerously close to jumping the shark, but one last kick at this can…. promise.

Scene 1. Shower Cap
Pat Martin arrives late for the first night of MP Academy. He enters his dorm room to the sound of the shower running and someone singing the Paul Piche classic, Cochez oui, Cochez non. The bathroom door is open and abundant steam wafting out makes the living room feel like a jungle. A makeshift clothesline runs from the living room to the kitchen, hanging from it are g-strings of velvet and silk, polka-dotted and leopard-skinned. Pat Martin is visibly shaken. The shower stops and Gilles Duceppe steps out of the bathroom, dripping, naked with a shower cap on.

Gilles: Pat Martin! Bienvenue.

Pat: Gilles, some modesty please.

Gilles (crossing to the fridge to get a beer): Vive la difference, Pat!

Scene 2. An Unexpected Guest
A knock at the door. Gilles jumps up to answer. Its Andre Boisclair. He’s visibly shaken and somewhat teary.

Gilles (dropping to his knees and kissing Andre’s feet): My leader! What do I owe this visit?

Andre rushes past him and hides himself under Pat Martin’s bed.

Andre: I just need a safe place to hide for the night. Please, Gilles, let me stay here with you. The scary people are out there. They want a quote from me.

Pat: Hey, that’s my bed, for Pete’s sake. At least have him hide under your bed, Gilles.

Gilles: I thought you Dippers had a heart, Pat Martin! Show some mercy, would you? (to Andre) Do you want a beer?

Andre: Some coco please. Hot coco.

Gilles (looks at Pat and rolls his eyes, mouths “sorry”): One hot coco for the hero of Quebec coming rightup.

Pat (whispers to Gilles): One night, Gilles, that’s it. And get him under your bed.

Gilles: He’ll be gone by morning. I’ll put the coco under my bed and if we both look the other way, he’ll switch. Guaranteed.

Scene 3. Mediation

Pat: Gilles, this isn’t working.

Gilles: What do you mean?

Pat: I mean the way we’re rooming together. It’s toxic. I’m going nuts.

Gilles: That’s what I’ve been saying my whole political life.

Pat: Well, at least for this week, we need to resolve our differences. And I think I’ve got just the ticket.

Pat Martin pulls out a hand puppet.

Pat (in a funny, high-pitched voice): Hi. I’m Maude the Moderator. I’m here to work out the problems between you and Mr. Pat. Do you like bananas?

Gilles (throws his hands up in defeat): Ah, maudit de tabarnaque. I’m getting another beer.

Scene 4. Confessions & Conspiracies
The men are drifting off in their respective beds. Each spends these quiet moments before sleep contemplating the future.

Pat: Gilles, can I make a confession?

Gilles: Sure, Pat.

Pat: I really admire Stephen Harper. Well, no. I don’t agree with him, but he’s just – he’s just the coolest.

Gilles (sighs dreamily): I know. He knows Quebec better than I do. I can’t help but get a tingle of appreciation whenever he makes me look foolish.

Pat: Do you think he’ll win a majority?

Gilles: Against that cry-baby putz who sues people for looking at him the wrong way? No question.

Pat: So what do we do? We can’t let that happen.

Gilles: Sure we can. You and me, Pat, we’re neo-communist protest parties. We can only thrive
in a hostile climate. I say, let him have his cake and eat it too – the crumbs will be feast enough for us.

Pat: I’m not so sure…..

Just over a year later, spurred by the conversation, Pat Martin speculates publicly that it just may be time for the NDP to call it a day and give the left up entirely to the Liberals.

Labels: I swear this is the last one

Best Performance: Jean Charest. The Premier defended his record superbly - largely, he has been the most responsible premier Quebec has had since, since, since... and Quebeckers had this fact underlined clearly tonight. He was a cool cat, unperturbed by whatever was thrown at him, swatting non sequiters like flies. There is no question, Mr. Charest will be premier when the dust settles. Anyone who thinks this man hasn't the Big Mo coming out of tonight was watching the Chinese translation.

Runner-Up Performance: Mario Dumont is charming and passionate. It is clear that Jean Charest and Mario Dumont like each other personally and Mr. Dumont will make a fantastic deputy premier in coalition government come March 27th.

Worst Performance: Andre Boisclair. Boring and pathetic. He whispers constantly. The PQ were lunatics for putting him in charge of their party because the optics only serves to highlight how legitimate Mario Dumont's chances are at the big chair. Never, never, never will this man be premier of the province - its almost pitiable.

Creepiest Performance: Andre Boisclair. If he ever wonders why, as a handsome, wealthy, orgy-loving gay man, that he can't find a boyfriend, he should watch this debate: he is thoroughly unlikeable.

Most Nervous and Desperate Performance: Andre Boisclair. Hand-wringing the whole two hours. Annoyingly interrupting people with brain-dead "gotcha" questions that gave him the feel of a failed Family Feud host. Survey says? No thanks, Mr. Boisclair. Both Dumont and Charest had to remind this guy that he isn't a yappy lap-dog nipping at their ankles with his ridiculous questions.

Lowest Blow: Mario Dumont pulled a mini-Stockwell Day by pulling out a report that he tried to use as proof that Jean Charest was, in some way, responsible for the Concorde Bridge collapse. It was a mistake - if he wasn't so likeable, it would sink Mr. Dumont: Jean Charest's record, for all its failings, is virtually unassaible when it comes to infrastructure.

High Point: Mario Dumont asking Mr. Boisclair why he was defending a healthcare system forced on Quebec by Trudeau, Chretien and Dion. Why not a "made in Quebec" health care system? Mr. Boisclair was gob-smacked and ashen -- even more than the rest of the time. It was particularly deadly because it reminds Quebeckers that the PQ are just the NDP, minus the puppets. In other words: hardly a separate country in the making.

Overall Winner: I'll give you a hint --- he's a fella from Calgary and he happens to run the country.

Labels: Would you let Vincent Price run your province?

Spin-offs are never as good as the original. Still, I can’t resist wondering what MP Academy was like for Garth Turner and Belinda Stronach who, like Stephane and Stephen, might possibly have bunked together during those early days of 2006.

Scene 1. Score!
Belinda struggles with her thirteen valises into the two room suite – her man Marcel was not permitted passed the lobby. Garth jumps off the couch, eyes atwinkle.

Garth: Golly! Belinda Stronach! I must be the luckiest MP in Canada.

Belinda (clearly disappointed that its not Rahim Jaffer, Keith Martin or even Peter MacKay): Ohhhh. Sweet Lord. Hi Garth.

Garth: Heck and wow! I said to the voters back home that if there’s one MP I can do bi-partisanship with, its Linda. Can I call you Linda?

Belinda: No you can’t.

Garth: Great. Great. Belinda it is. Golly shucks. How’s Magna doing? You know, I wrote a column about Magna way back. It must have made some real waves in the boardroom, eh?
Belinda: No. No it didn’t.

Garth: Sure! Great! Wowzers! Let me help you with your bags.

Scene 2. Suppertime and the living ain’t easy
After a long day of training, Garth & Belinda are squeezed into a cramped kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for supper.

Garth: Hey, Belinda. Whatcha wanna eat? Me, I’m hankering for fish sticks and tartar sauce. I got everything we need.

Belinda (visibly disgusted): I don’t think so. I was planning on beef tenderloin with gorgonzola sauce.

Garth: Exactly! That’s just what I wanted. How about going crazy and splitting a beer with that? A cold one is just what the doctor ordered.

Belinda: No. I don’t think so. I was thinking a 2001 Pinot Noir from California. I brought a case.

Garth: Just what I wanted. That’s great. Beer’s queer, I say. Is that red or white wine? Red gives me headaches.

Belinda: Its red.

Garth: Neat-o! That’s perfect. Like that Bulgarian folk song goes, “white wine, why can’t you be red?” Hey, lights on? Or candles?

Belinda: Don’t get creepy, Garth. Lights on.

Garth: Exactly what I was thinking.

Scene 3. Whoring it up
Garth is tapping away at his laptop, little does anyone know, Garth speaks the words as he types them.

Garth: Decorum in parliament is a big thing for me. I’m going to work my darndest for the people of Halton to raise the level of debate. I’m not going to be like the rest of my caucus – who are churlish whores and mean-spirited pricks. I’m going to be real friendly and civil. Right now, I’ve got Belinda Stronach only feet away from me and ---

Belinda: Garth, are you writing about me on your blog?

Garth: Er. Um. Do you want me to?

Belinda: No!

Garth: Then I’m not.

Belinda: Oh. Okay then.

Garth (resuming typing): Yeah, so Belinda is just a swell girl. Typical that Stephen Harper, that jerk and pimp, couldn’t keep her in our caucus. Instead, those unbelievably fantastic Liberals snatched her up and made her the crown jewel of their cabinet. Now, she’s a key player in the Liberal-Separatist cabal. Idiot dopes those Tories – especially Emerson – what a whore that guy is.

Belinda: Garth! What the hell?

Garth: Nothing, nothing. Just brainstorming.

Garth pushes “publish” and slaps the laptop closed.

Scene 4. Lights, Camera, Action
Its morning, sunlight slips between the venetian slats. Belinda sleeps. Garth is up, microphone in one hand, camera in the other – pointed at sleeping Belinda.

Garth: Another episode of MPTV. Your fearless leader of digital democracy, yours truly, is sharing an intimate moment with Belinda Stronach.

Belinda (groggily): What are you doing Garth?

Garth: Putting together a video for the voters of Halton and my cyber-cupporters across Canada.

Belinda: A video of what?

Garth (to the camera that he’s now pointing at himself): See, some of you think the life of an MP is all glamour. And, I admit, I do bring a lot of dazzle to the job. But there’s quiet moments. Tough moments. And moments like this. (he swings the camera back at Belinda.)

Belinda (now fully awake): This is outrageous Garth! Get the f*&^$@ camera off me.

Garth: Weren’t you the minister of democratic revival and democratic faith-based initiatives? This is the future of democracy, Belinda. I am the future. Look into the camera and smile at the future!

Belinda: You give me the willies.

Garth: 9 months from now, you’ll be calling me a hero.

Belinda: Shove it. (Belinda pulls the blankets over her head).

Garth: So ends another episode of MPTV. Bringing democracy to your basement.

Labels: maybe I have a small bias, Okay

Some time ago, at MP academy, MPs were randomly selected to share rooms. Stephane Dion and Stephen Harper drew each other, which, given their positions today, leaves many of us to wonder what that fateful week together must have been like.....

Scene 1. You had me at "Hello".
Stephen Harper is on the couch, sipping rootbeer and snacking on chocolate-dipped pretzels. Stephane Dion walks in. Stephen Harper smiles and salutes. Dion's face goes ashen as if the devil is before him wanting to collect his dues.

Dion: Merde des grands merdes! Never in my life! I thought, worst case, I'd be stuck with Gilles. Not you! I can't spend a week living with a greed-mongering destroyer of civilization. I can't spend a day living with a sociopathic purveyor of pestilence. This is a nightmare. This is an abomination that makes me sick a million times over. I cannot abide this. You digust me, you tax-cutting supporter of the wicked traditional family.

Harper: Hoepfully, we can make this work.

Dion rushes into the bathroom, slams the door behind him then locks it. He doesn't come out until the next morning.

Scene 2. The Television.

Harper: I'm glad today's sessions ended early. We can catch Duffy on Question Period.

Dion: No. No television. I have a big, big headache and I don't want the noise.

Harper: What? I'll watch quietly. I promise.

Dion: Tell you what, I faxed their script to them over lunch. How about I just give you a copy to read. I promise you, Duffy doesn't depart from script.

Harper: You kidding me? Okay. I tivoed Politics. I can watch that with the closed captions.

Dion: No. It will still annoy me. (rifles through his school bag) Here. Here's Don Newman's
script. We put it together for him this morning. Here's every word we told him to say on his show.


Scene 3. The Phone Call.
Stephane Dion whispers into the telephone, covering his mouth - all of this futile because his shrill hysteria cannot be tuned down.

Dion: Yes, cocotte, its me. You'll have to listen careful. I must whisper. (pause.) Because he is listening to me, chou-chou. (pause.) He will steal my ideas. That's what he is - an idea stealing bully. (pause.) No, listen amour, he has magic powers. I can feel him now. He is sucking ideas out of my brain as we speak.

Harper sighs, rolls his eyes, gets up and washes some dishes.

Scene 4. Nighty, night.
Its 8.30 pm and both men are tucking themselves in for a good night's sleep. Stephen Harper notices that Stephane Dion has yet to turn off his bed-side light, even though his eyes are shut and he appears to be counting sheep.

Harper: Um, Stephane?

Dion: What is it!

Harper: Are you going to turn that light out? Its rather bright.

Dion: No. I will not do that.

Harper: Isn't it a waste of taxpayer dollars to leave it on while we're asleep?

Dion: There you go again with your useless taxpayers.

Harper: Well. Isn't it bad for the environment, then, to waste the energy?

Dion: That's not fair! I cannot sleep in complete darkness. It gives me the willies. Just turn on your side and you won't notice.

Harper groans like Marge Simpson as he turns away and tries to ignore the light.


Scene 5. Breakfast.
Stephen Harper is eating toasted english muffins and reading Science magazine. Stephane Dion is munching on a chocolatine, perusing the latest issue of Modern Marxist.

Harper: Mmmmmm. Says here that termites emit more greenhouse gases than all the fossil fuels we burn in a year.

Dion (covers his ears and whips his head back as if it were about to explode, Scanners-style): Blasphemer! I'll have you know, Stephen Harper, when I become Prime Minister I will make climate-change denial hate speech and we will throw you in jail for saying garbage like that!

Harper: Thank god this is the last day.

Labels: I am not biased

Scientists have discovered an unwelcome trend in the solar system: objects orbiting the Sun are getting warmer. Pluto, for instance, has warmed up 3 degrees in the past few years. Of course, of course - just because Pluto is getting warmer, Jupiter is getting warmer and Saturn's moons are getting warmer has nothing to do with Earth getting warmer. These are completely unrelated phenomena and only a wicked climate-change denier would raise this red herring.

Top climate change scientists - small digression: notice the media always refer to climate change scientists as "top climate change scientists" - I'd love to know how we decide who's tops and who's bottoms. Is it a bikini competition that puts one scientist above another for the prize of "top climate change scientist"? And, aren't any of us curious to know what the dumber climate change scientists think? Are they classified as such by virtue of being climate-change deniers? Back to the point, top climate change scientists have done a piss-poor job explaining why the Sun has an inconsequential effect on the mean temperature of planet Earth.

How do their climate models account for trends in solar activity over the next century? Its a fascinating question with extremely important consequences on human civilization. Let's pretend for a second that the Sun plays a critical role in determining the climate of Earth - a wacky thesis, I know, but fun to contemplate. For example, about 1,500 years ago there was a mini Ice Age about 70 years long correlated - by some of those more retarded scientists - to a slow period on the Sun. Should something like that happen, no amount of farm subsidies in the US and Europe would replace a desperate need for agricultural products from the southern hemisphere. Do we have the political structures to adapt to swings in solar output? Or would we revert to our primitive selves, bomb the shit out of the southern hemisphere and claim the land for our own farming needs?

Similarly, if solar output increases, warming up our planet - again, Kyoto Krowd, suspend disbelief for another second - how would we adapt, given that our only working solutions today involve moving off fossil fuels which would have no affect at all. If ice caps melt and low-lying lands flood inspite of massive civilizational re-engineering, what do we do then?

Okay. Re-instate dis-belief. The sun, as we all know, thanks to Top Climate Change Scientists, has nothing to do with how warm it gets on Earth. Let's get on with buying carbon credits from Putin.

Labels: Stephane Dion will rescue the entire Solar System

Ah, friends. Here is the post Garth Turner wrote about the Prime Minister being a political whore. He has, today, explained that he removed the post because it unfairly maligns a political appointee who is clearly qualified for her appointment. In other words: there is no apology or misgivings with calling the Prime Minister a whore. Here is what he wrote, plus the comments the post generated:

Political whoredom
http://www.garth.ca/weblog/2007/03/10/political-whoredom/


It was a dark and stormy night. The campaign team sat around talking about signs and the second lit mailing, and money. As in, no money. There were two weeks left to go to E-day, and the riding association had completely choked when it came to fund-raising. We needed $8,000 to get brochures into 55,000 homes in the next ten days, and we were out of arterials.
Suddenly, Kellie was at the door. And, yes, she brought cheques. A fistful of them!
Kellie Leitch, renown surgeon from London, Ontario, was the co-chair of the Conservative election campaign in Ontario, and she was our angel of mercy that night. Kellie spearheaded a program within the party to raise money from donors in ridings which did not need it – mostly in Alberta – and distribute that cash to campaigns which were desperate for cash and had a fighting chance – like Halton.

This night Kellie had a wad of uncashed cheques, all for around a thousand bucks, which she handed over with a flourish. Suddenly our floundering effort had tens of thousands in new dough, and that proved enough to help get us over the top.

Five months later Kellie and other top Tories held a small reception at the Albany Club, beside the King Eddy Hotel in Toronto, to thank some of the adopt-a-campaign donors from that city. Finance Minister Jim Flaherty was there as political minister for Ontario, spoke to the gathering, and made a big fuss over the diminutive surgeon who played such a great role in helping Stephen Harper squeak into 24 Sussex.

This past week Kellie Leitch was thanked in a more lucrative way, as she became part of a wave of Conservative patronage appointments sweeping across the land in the weeks preceding the next federal election. She was appointed by Tony Clement as his adviser on healthy children and youth, a position with a multi-year tenure and a few buckets of money. A Clement aide was asked if Kellie’s appointment had anything to do with the fact she has been a key Conservative operative, and Erik Waddell said, “Of course not.”

I guess you can sort of expect the patronage. And I guess none of us should be surprised that Harper and his crew kicked the crap out of Paul Martin for doing exactly the same thing PMSH is now indulging in. It may be lamentable the “ethics” and “accountability” prime minister is now unleashing a hypocritical torrent of favouritism and gifts to his political allies. But I find it sad that they’re lying about it. If I expected one thing out of Stephen Harper, bearer of the Reform Party torch and keeper of the Preston Manning flame of integrity, it was transparency and honesty in office.

But so much for that. The transformation is now complete. Harper is a political whore. And he joins a long list who have gone before him, using his office and the treasury of tax dollars it brings to reward his own people, and then try to buy off the rest of the country.

On Wednesday it was $1.5 billion for Ontario buses and subways. On Friday it was $1 billion for farmers, announced in a Saskatechewan barn. In fact, PMSH has spent a stunning $6.9 billion in the 30 days which ended yesterday. That money is on top of the $214 billion Ottawa has committed to spending in the fiscal year starting at the end of March, which is a hike of more than 11% (three times the rate of inflation) from last year. And, yeah, we haven’t even had the budget yet, which will promise a few billion more in tax cuts and yet more spending.

Stephen Harper, the less-is-more, frugal prime minister who came to power outing Paul Martin’s double-digit annual spending hikes, is about to eclipse the guy. Ottawa is set to hit a level of expenditure never seen before – just when the economy has dangerously peaked and is heading into a slow-growth phase. The $13 billion in federal surplus, caused by the over-taxation Harper railed against, is being spent in a pre-election orgy that – in one month – is costing us 600 times more than the sponsorship scandal did.

Now, it’s not all bad spending, of course. Farmers need help. Toronto people need rides to work.

The environment needs billions.

But Kellie Leitch, chair of pediatric surgery at the University Hospital in London, where she deservedly earns four times more than the average family, does not need more money.
posted by Garth Turner on 03.10.07 @ 6:42 pm

8 Comments so far Leave a comment

Canadians may be disgusted with patronage but it will always be part of our political system. The government will always put people they trust into positions of influence. Another reason would be to reward staffers for their hard work and loyalty.
By KPK on 03.10.07 7:05 pm

Talk about the present government & double standards. I guess Stephen Harper will go down in history as the worst Prime Minister Canada ever had.
I’m sure PPSH is regretting the day he booted you out of the party.
By Irene on 03.10.07 7:06 pm

How could you turn on someone who you used to consider worthy and your friend? Why would you want to embarrass this woman like that? Garth, if you would have left the woman’s credentials off in your horrid story, you might even have sounded credible. Obviously she’s talented, educated and a damn hard worker. I’d say the government is lucky to have her services.
This is low Garth, even for you.
L
By Leasa on 03.10.07 7:07 pm

Garth,
Don’t tell me. You too were part of the effort to take money away from Albertans and give to folks in Ontario.
I’d say given your current status of being a Liberal, a refund is in order.
Ed the Hun
By Ed the Hun on 03.10.07 7:15 pm

Garth,
Actually I think Harper’s plan is to act like a liberal to get a majority and then to effect his cuts. But until that majority, he knows the only way to get power is to buy votes. Just like every politician before him.
The only politician that I can think of who (for most of his tenure) didn’t act like this was Ralph Klein. Nope for most of his premiership there were cuts to government services and goodies weren’t handed out often, if not at all.
Ed the Hun
By Ed the Hun on 03.10.07 7:18 pm

The sponsorship scandal money was ALWAYS a drop in the bucket. Campaigning on how wasteful it was was always a bit of a dumb move, I thought. The breach of trust was much more costly than the money. I don’t like government waste any more than the next guy, but it’s important to recognize priorities. I didn’t believe Harper was going to clean up the national government; I supported the best candidate in my riding (who happened to be NDP) and put a Green Party sign on my lawn (because I believe in what they’re saying, but I didn’t want Rahim Jaffer to be my MP AGAIN).

Well, it turns out he didn’t clean anything up at all. I’m sad that I’m not surprised.
I hope you can raise the money you need again, Garth. Picking MPs based on their merits instead of their parties is long overdue. People may criticize and poke fun at you, but I really think you may have made a big difference in national politics.
By Jan Sacharuk on 03.10.07 7:30 pm

Popped in to read another brilliant post by the “one trick pony MP”…….
You must have looked in the mirror when the subject, political whore, came in your head…..
Garth, you are sad and embarrassing…..thankfully, no reasonable intelligent person pays any attention to you anymore…..
By John G on 03.10.07 7:38 pm

Most political parties believe that no one would work for them if they did not get patronage rewards. Political leaders often distrust anyone who might be involved in the party for anything other than personal gain. The concept of “public service” is seen as irrational.
It is understandable that the new Conservatives are even more likely to engage in massive patronage because they have a great deal of catching up to do: they have never been in a position of power before. If you check this National Archives site http://www.collectionscanada.ca/primeministers/h4-3000-e.htmlyou will see that there has never been a Conservative government in Canada before: there have only been “Cons.” equated at the bottom of the page with Liberal-Conservative and “P.C.” equated at the bottom of the page with Progressive Conservative. Stephen Harper is the first “Conservative” Prime Minister.
I wonder who decided to rewrite Canadian history?
By C. B. Innes on 03.10.07 7:38 pm

UPDATE:
Garth Turner has removed his statement of retraction on his blog. Why? Hey, beats me. Probably part of the master plan to win back a Liberal majority. Does Garth think he'll be in Dion's Cabinet?

Labels: Liberals Wrap Women in Rhetorical Burquas

Yesterday, Garth Turner called the Prime Minister a political whore. It was the theme of a posting to his blog which subsequently disappeared. No word on why it disappeared - did he have second thoughts? (it would be a first.) Did he receive too many complaints? Or is it simply the computer glitches he has experienced for the past few weeks? The best bet is door no.3 since he made no apologies nor expressed regrets; there is no acknowledgement on his part that calling our Prime Minister a political whore is an unsavoury thing to do. Does he think that by removing the post, he can pretend he never said it? Judging from my inbox, lots of people saw it and lots of people are offended. Pretend away Garth, but it amounts to plugging your ears with your fingers and singing a rock anthem to block the outside world.

Tories are barking mad because it is an insult to a Tory Prime Minister - a coarse, ugly one at that. Liberals? Silent. To a Liberal, calling a male Prime Minister a political whore is as family-friendly as dinner at East Side Mario's. Heck, Garth deserves congratulations for his clever wit. Call a woman politician a political whore and you have stained political discourse and set back the woman's movement by three centuries.

Why the double standard? Because the Liberal view of women is laced with misogyny. Yes, they want more women to participate in politics. But let's remember, women are a weaker form of man and must be shielded from the roughest parts of political life. Yes, have women participate in political life, by only once wrapped in the protective cloth of a rhetorical burqua lest they be exposed to politics in its rawest. That, they could not handle. Men can be political whores because they can handle it - call a woman a political whore and she's likely to cry and swallow gallons of ice cream to rebuild her self-esteem.

This is not simply a matter of politeness in political discourse - this very patronizing viewpoint informs Liberal policy as well. Liberals continue to believe that women who choose raising children over career ambition are mal-functioned retrogrades that we can hopefully weed out of our society by the next generation. It is not enough that they would see the tax regime and social services engineered to compel women into the Liberal model of what's best for them, they insult these women as beer-swilling drunks raising children destined for a life of crime.

So the Prime Minister is a political whore, ultimately, because he didn't make Garth Turner ArchDuke of Nanaimo and Lord Admiral of the Navy. Insult away, Garth. Hopefully, that computer bug will get ironed out and your post will be back up. I think women should see how Liberals use their language and the sorts of worldviews that underpin such use.

A collaborator, thankfully, has saved the whole post and I will link to it as soon as its up.

Labels: don't worry your pretty head, There there honey

The Journal de Montreal sent a questionnaire to the three party leaders in the Quebec election. Its the usual "get to know you" type questions about likes and dislikes - opportunities for people to get a glimpse into the private lives of our potential premiers.

The buzz-worthy question was: what's on your IPOD?

Jean Charest says "a bunch of jazz" - apparently thinking Paul Wells still votes in Quebec elections.

Mario Dumont is the only one who names a Quebecker... oddly enough, an Anglo Quebecker: Leonard Cohen.

And Andre "Grown Man" Boisclair? Madonna.

That's right - the man who wants to launch the new country of Quebec sings along to "Material Girl" and "Like a Virgin" when he plugs his Ipod into his ears.

I wish I were making this up.

Labels: Not many separatists like to Vogue

This year, Liberals and Democrats banded together to award the Oscar for Best Picture to "The Departed". The movie, in short, is terrible: a boring repeat of gansterisms devoid of a single redeeming feature. The award proves that Hollywood is run not by people, but by plastic figurines without souls. To illustrate my point, I have transcribed the finest scene from the movie for your consideration. WARNING: the following dialogue contains coarse language, violence and occasions for eye rolling.

Leonardo: Yo, how's your dick?

Matt Damon: Working overtime. How's your dick?

Leoardo: Your mamma don't complain.

Matt: Hey fuck you.

Leonardo: No fuck you.

Matt: I outta cut your dick and feed it to you.

Leodardo: I wouldn't go hungry for weeks. If I cut your dick off and feed it to you, you'd be hungry by lunch time.

Matt: Yeah? We'll just see who's feeding who's dick.

Leonardo: I'm watching you.

Matt: Like wise, snake eyes.

Leonardo: Maybe I'm a snake, but you a rat.

Matt (pulls gun, aims at Leonardo): I ain't no rat.

Leonardo (pulls gun, aims at Matt): Well, your something, dick-brain.

(Suddenly, a black man emerges from a stairwell with his gun pointed at both of them. Because he is black, we know he will die first. )

Black Lamb: Freeze, cocksuckers!

Matt: Fuck me!

Leonardo: Look who's caught with his dick hanging.

Black Lamb: First thing I do is blow your balls off.

(Matt Damon unexpectedly blows Black Lamb's brains out. Then turns and blows Leonardo's brains out. Two weeks later, some cameo character blows Matt Damon's brains out. Of the three brain splatters, Leonardo's is the most dramatic).

The end.

Labels: Ganstas are as interesting as trial lawyers

I feel terribly sorry for those poor sods trapped in Ottawa listening to Stephane Dion give us his view on the Canadian economy. Between his intro and final thank you, the audience could have watched all of "Gandhi" and still squeeze in the final episode of "Friends". Instead they heard some lame attacks on the Prime Minister - happily not the "only a lobotomy will cure his sociopathy" type attack - and then a bold vision for Canada's economy that Liberals have been living off for the past, oh, seven hundred years.

The big excitement was that Mr. Dion would cut income taxes, not another point off the GST. He derides the GST tax cut as "shaving a few cents off the cost of a cup of coffee". As if an income tax, by virtue of it being a cut on income, would amoount to significantly more. This will confuse Liberals, but try to stick with me on this: the only way any tax cut will amount to more than a few cents off a cup of coffee is to do one of two things (or both): (1) drastically increase to total amount of government revenue apportioned to the cut --- instead of $5 billion, make it $15 billion; (2) drastically reduce the number of beneficiaries of the tax cut --- instead of all consumers as in the case of the GST cut, give the cut exclusively to some Liberal client group, like a "newer Canadian community" tax cut. Otherwise, no tax cut will amount to more than a few extra pennies in our pockets. Witness the greatest tax cut in the history of Canada which no one noticed.

Liberals point to the fact that economists almost universally prefer consumption taxes to income taxes. But they do this insincerely. If they accepted the wise council of the dismal scientists fully, they would run on a US Republican Style "abolish income taxes" campaign. Replace, point for point, income taxes with consumption taxes. Don't just oppose a 1 point cut in the GST, support a 10 point jump in the GST with an equivalent income tax cut. (New Hampshire Liquor Store: here I come!!) Plus, admit what every economist admits: given the taxes Canadians drown in, any tax cut is a good one and given the piddly nature of the cuts were discussing, consumption vs. income tax cuts are an academic discussion. Mr. Dion calls a GST tax cut a gimmick, but all he has in response is, well, gimmicks.

There was of course, the usual Liberal lip service to innovation and competitiveness. The Liberal Party will plan innovation into our economy. Markets are useless for that sort of thing, only a strong central government can assure we get off our lazy asses and start inventing better mouse traps. I can't think of any cliche more exhausting to hear than politicians yammering about "innovation". Especially when it comes from the third Liberal leader in a row recycling this tired canard. If the Liberal party wants to recycle its economic platform over and over again, perhaps they aren't exactly the best equipped to trigger an national explosion of innovation.

Labels: Innovate This

In the end, we are all pawns in the great game of Liberal leadership.

The Black Knight suddenly admits that polling trends are more than a mere flesh wound and as such, the gloves must come off and a real fight must ensue. Fight against that dread political pirate, Stephen Harper? No! He too is a pawn in the game. No, the real fights is amongst themselves, like the Donner party in the final, unseemly days of their misadventure.

Speculation in the various Liberal leadership camps - those supposedly united and mutually admiring factions - is that, among other things, Michael Ignatieff originated the slurs spoken against MP Navdeep Bains. One of his underlings, the story goes, leaked the fact that MP Bains' father-in-law was a spokesman for a terrorist organization and potential compelled witness at the Air India inquiry to the Vancouver Sun. Ever since, Michael Ignatieff has been pleading with MP Bains to take him at his word that "he had nothing to do with this."

Ignatieff supporters are quick to respond that conspiracy theories pinning the blame on Michael Ignatieff are poppycock - and not the yummy, caramelly version, but the unsweetened, rather bitter poppycock. Iggy's stalwart West Coast defender, TDH Strategies, makes an astonishing defense in this vein:

"Navdeep's fundametalist roots are well known by everyone in the apne community.Just because the mainstream is just waking up to this fact doesn't mean that RD or SD had any "inside knowledge."Ridiculous conspiracy theories."

You can read the fascinating thread at the link provided above. Needless to say, the fundamentalist roots of a Liberal MP are not at all well known to us mainstreamers. But we're damned curious. A few more bad poll results for the Liberals, and I suspect we will know the whole story.

Labels: Stay tuned

Today is a referendum free day in the Quebec election thanks to the Parti Quebecois.

A star candidate, Raymond Philpot, claimed just last week that there never was a Rwandan genocide. Sure, things got a little out of hand over there, but folks who were there, like Senator Dallaire, are lunatics for calling it anything more than a little roughing up. Quebec's Rwandan community is outraged and calling for the PQ to dump Philpot (or draft Iranian President Ahmedinejad so they maintain some consistency).

This morning, Andre Boisclair did his teary, "I'm so offended" routine. He's a very, very sensitive soul and for about twelve minutes, he disowned his candidates words. Problem is, Mr. Philpot wrote a book saying as much quite some time ago. So, when Mr. Boisclair plays shocked and wounded, it is fair to ask: hey moron, don't you check you candidates in advance for precisely this kind of nutballery?

Worse still, Mr. Boisclair knows all about Mr. Philpot's bibliography - since Mr. Boisclair quotes from it constantly: one of Mr. Boisclair's favorite conspiracies is that federalists stole the last referendum, a thesis Mr. Philpot writes about in one of his other non-genocide-denying books.

No one thinks Andre Boisclair is a Rwandan-genocide denier even if his star candidate enjoys ripping fresh wounds in an already traumatized community. But its fair to ask what kind of dope recruits such an ugly person to his dream team?

Labels: Scratch the surface and its the same old PQ

Vancouver Quadra

Dear Riding Executive,

Please, please urge the local members to vote "none of the above" in the upcoming nomination battle. The only candidate in the race - I forget his name, so let's call him Mr. Insignificant - is not the sort of chap we were looking to field. We need star power, not some earnest embarassment who has worked his life for environmental causes. You can't save the planet without some sex appeal - my dental bills are certainly proof of that. Anyway - let Mr. Insignificant know we would be happy to have him put up posters and hand out leaflets, but running for the party is simply out, out, out of the question. Unless, by some miracle, he gets on "What Not to Wear" in the next month or so.

Thanks a bunch,
Supreme Leader May


Toronto Centre

Dear Prospective Woman Candidate,

I appreciate that you want this riding and that you are a woman. I know I pledged to make 1/3 of the candidates women, by force if I have to or mud-wrestling mechanisms. But we seem to have gotten our wires crossed. I wasn't talking about safe ridings like this one. Safe ridings go to men, preferably the men in my dream team who are too dreamy to risk in an actual competitive riding. I want women to run elsewhere. Like Alberta. I thought it would really embarass the Prime Minister to have an all-woman slate in Alberta. Please drop out as soon as possible and move to Red Deer pronto. Should you choose to leave Bob Rae alone, he will be more than happy to have you lick stamps and make calls on his behalf. You have a very sexy phone voice.

Best wishes,
His Majesty Cardinal Dion

ps. Do not try to contact me, I am on a top-secret cross-country tour sponsored by Joint Task Force II. My whereabouts are national secrets.

Labels: Dickens predicted this in the 1800s

Too bad Stephane Dion didn't offer to tag-team with David Suzuki on their respective cross-country tours - it would have been a real win-win for both. For Dr. Suzuki, he could have split the carbon emissions burden over more than the paltry 8 riding the diesel chugging 50 man luxury roadster. For, Stephane Dion, it would have been more difficult for people to cancel dates with him - since he'd have a celebrity in toe.

One pit stop on Mr. Dion's Spinal Tap reunion tour was cancelled in Quebec City. Mr. Dion's people explain that Stephen Harper bullied Mr. Dion's potential hosts into cancelling the date. I know how Mr. Dion feels, too often in my life, I've worked up the courage to ask a winsome lass on a date, only to have her bullied into saying "no" by some other guy. Its really not fair.

Of course, in those days, the girls were usually casting about for a polite excuse, the real reason they didn't want a date was the fear of being seen with a loser. Not that this applies in Mr. Dion's case. Not at all.

Labels: Stop Bullying Me

Today, I don't have to worry about generating traffic, so I will indulge in a little Quebec politics [insert groans at other end of cyberspace].

The fun part of Quebec democracy is that unlike other jurisidictions in North America, you don't really have to pay attention to Quebec elections. The campaign platforms of the two main, heavily sagging parties were written sometime in the late 60s. Sure, sure, they dust them off and white-out references to April Wine and replace them with references to Arcade Fire. And I admit, there was a bit of an earthquake at the start of the campaign when the PQ launched their new logo which is no longer blue and red, but blue and green. That really injected some sizzle into things. But by and large, it is not simply the same campaign themes that return over and over and over and over and over again: its the same exact script.

Andre Boisclair says the transition from Quebec the province to Quebec the country will be smoother than a man's back after a shave and oil-down.

Jean Charest says there will be chaos and calamity of Biblical proportions post-separation making Gomorroh's towers of salt look cozy and inviting.

Scaremongering Quebeckers is a risky venture - we look stupid because we all smoke, guzzle booze and work five and a half hour days, but actually, we aren't that stupid. Mr. Charest's latest gambit - to threaten the partition of Quebec post-separation - is perhaps his most pathetic since becoming leader of the Quebec Liberals eons ago. Partition, for those of us in the know, is an inevitability of separation. My Anglo Ghetto will never hoist the Quebec flag and its citizens will never run out for Quebec passports. But its also the "nuclear option". So devastating, so alienating, so poisonously polarizing that we stick it in our back pockets for use when confronted with an ACTUAL referendum. Certainly, to pimp it around during any old election gives "desperate" a whole new poster-boy. Every Quebecker knows that if Jean Charest played this card, its because the polls tell him Mario Dumont is doing mighty fine on the campaign trails.

However, absurdism is a political movement that Andre Boisclair has long mastered. Andre Boisclair can't promise a smooth reaction to breaking a fingernail, let alone starting up a new country. Maybe he has been watching too many episodes of "Heroes" and has begun to suspect he possesses magical powers that, when the time is right, he will unleash on the world to order circumstances exactly as he needs them. Picture, Mr. Boisclair, that your good fortune lands you with negotiations for a new Quebec next year, with the man who you would not have sex with still in the White House. He is crazy and obsessive about border security on top of being not your cup of sexual tea. Can you guarantee us that he will not interfere in this "smooth transition"? What if Osama Bin Laden decided to take advantage of the situation? Have you secured guarantees from him, or the rest of the world for that matter, that whatever happens, Quebec's separation must be smooth. Are you and the Chinese government planning to rig the Chinese markets to make sure the transition will be smooth? I'm sure the Chinese are deeply, deeply concerned.

The only interesting thing about the Quebec election is that there is a Door Number 3 - Mario Dumont and the ADQ. Increasingly, people are eyeing that door and realizing its at long last an exit.

Labels: I agree Quebec Elections are Boring

My contact inside the Liberal Party HQ has sent me some of the campaign slogans they are toying with should they precipitate a spring election. Enjoy!

10. Denis Corderre, a Minister of Defense even Hizbullah can love!

9. Okay, okay. Sure, I'm a disappointment, but look at my dream team.... Scott Brison everybody!

8. People who don't vote for me have no social conscience. How do you sleep at night?

7. The last thing you need is another useless tax cut.

6. C'mon. Paul Wells likes me. Isn't that enough?

5. I'm Jack Layton without the pragmatism.

4. Promising de english to improve by megatonnes.

3. I'll have the leakiest PMO in history.

2. I'm not soft on crime, I'm soft on criminals.

1. If Stephen Harper would stop bullying me, I could show what a leader I am.

Labels: Election Readiness

Today, the temperature outside is so far below normal, the local weather guy is forced to read in degrees Kelvin. A fine day, I would say, to review the state of the Kyoto Kampaign.

Remember last fall the huge clamour and consternation over the horrid effects of global warming on the hurricane season? You don't? Oh, that's because 2006 saw barely any significant hurricane activity, sending Kyoto Konspiracists into muffled silence, hoping no one would notice and crossing their fingers that 2007 might give them some walloping storms to use for their propaganda.

Similarly, in January, a string of mild weather gave these fine and noble folks the fodder to launch full-scale attacks on "climate change deniers". Then, they quieted down during February as it turned out to be the coldest one in 28 years. And bad news, if you are a doomsdaying socialist, keeps rolling in:

On the science.
Cracks appear in the "overwhelming scientific consensus" that the world is coming to an end. Some scientists believe it getting very difficult to avoid big problems with the sexy, simple warming model shoved down a frightened citizenry's throat. Antartica is gaining ice. Decades of cooling coincided with a huge increase in anthropogenic CO2 emissions. Facts keep getting in the way of an elegant model, the way red-hot metal bugged a few physicists in 1880s thus ushering in the era of modern physics. Maybe we need to explain the whole phenomenon, some scientists are beginning to ask. Especially when faced with the ridiculous prospect of politicians pretending they can shape policies that will cut a degree or two off average global temperatures.

On the leadership.
By now, all of North America knows that Al Gore's commitment to global warming begins with box office sales and ends with the last stop on his book tour. His patio lanterns gobble more energy than the combined depletions of the NASCAR circuit. And he buys his carbon offsets from himself - a virtuous circle of profit. Meanwhile, David Suzuki on his Hector Canada tour like a rock star: 8 people in a luxurious, diesel-burning tour bus. He would not go for a cleaner means of travel - but its too darned expensive! Furthermore, he's all for asking what Canadians think, unless they disagree with him. In that case, he prefers to pretend he never asked.

On the ultimate culpability.
As we know, in the 1960s, Rachel Carson led a successful campaign against DDT which resulted in the needless death of millions of people across the world from diseases that would have been otherwise wiped out. With the global warming apocolypse only a decade or so away, difficult questions are being asked of the Kyoto lobby: if the consequence was the very end of humanity, why the hell did you guys make nuclear power a non-option? Why do you still agitate against it? Sure, its fun to say Big Oil or Big Coal.... but ultimately, the anti-nuclear lobby shares as much, if not much more, blame for the end of our species and the super-heating of our planet.

Meanwhile, back at the Liberal ranch, Stephane Dion can't decide if he's for a carbon tax or against a carbon tax. Let me see, he told us he could save the planet and meet Kyoto if elected Prime Minister this year, but he can't figure out - still to this day - how he's going to get it done.

Labels: its frikkin cold in Montreal

There are currently four parties trolling for votes among Canadian progressives: the Liberals, the NDP, the Green Party and the Bloc. Competition is fierce to snap up every last one of these voters, but today should learn the Progressive Quartet to beware what monsters may be hooked at the end of their lines.

Robert McLelland is easily the most famous and influential blogger on the far, far left of Canadian politics. He runs the Blogging Dippers and his own blog - which I can't bear to mention - has, until today, been linked and referenced by a who's who of the Canadian left (still now, Calgary Grit recommends the site as a "daily read").

His politics are fanatically collectivist - a reminder that the political spectrum wraps like a helix: the further left you travel, the harder it is to distinguish you from the classic ruthless totalitarian of old. And he has displayed in the past a shocking hostility towards Jewish people, famously posting on his site: "Fuck the Jews". He continued on that theme recently with the following quote in response to... "When the State starts rounding up my Jewish neighbours, I’ll speak up.

"Not me. People like Klownsella, Chernyuk and Smeagol the Jew have taught me it’s not worth getting involved. When next they come for the Jews I doubt I’ll even be able to muster up a “what a shame”. "

Progressive bloggers have been in a dizzy tizzy disavowing Robert McLelland's words, pretending that ideas like that would find no currency in places like the convention floor of the past Liberal leadership race. Florid arguments have been concocted to help the simpletons of Canada's pragmatic middle understand the distinctions the left makes between anti-semites and anti-Israelites. Long-lists of the "some of my best friends are jewish" sort have also spouted up.

Canadians have every right to worry and wonder if the disavowels are sincere or not the effort to cover up an unsightly agenda that many special interests on the left harbour. It is not as though suddenly, Mr. McLelland shares his thoughts - we have known them for well over a year and a great many progressives still kept chummy relations with the fellow. Even today, an army of progressive supporters still defend him.

Footnote: On the site comments please, Robert McLelland was a passionate advocate for keeping the age of consent at 14. Not so much that he had any policy reasons for it, he was simply damned passionate.

Footnote 2: Mr. McLelland runs the "Canadian Blog Awads". If my readers ever wondered why I was entirely silent through that process and made no effort to win votes or drive traffic to that competition, you now understand why.

Labels: Not So Hidden Agendas on the Left

Dear Nigerian Government Workers,

First, let me tell you that if Jean Chretien had a cadre of entreprising folks like you, the Liberal Party would still be in charge and we'd be staring down the barrel of a 5th majority parliament for the man. How so many of you end up with $10 million to smuggle out of your country is a baffling mystery to me; but then, so is quantum electro-dynamics.

Second, let me warn you, whoever it is that points you in my direction as a "trusted" person outside your country who will do business with you is sorely mistaken. I cannot be trusted. As soon as you wire your fortune to me, you will never hear from me again. I'd probably smuggle it back to Nigeria and live on the coast there like a king. If we ever did meet up by accident, I can promise that a second "accident" would almost immediately occur.

Afterall, we are talking about $10 million here. If you are still confused, rent "Fargo" and the picture will be painted.

Your truly,
Chuckercanuck

Labels: Stop with the emails already

One night, I found myself watching a Martha Stewart reality TV show where creative types ripped into one another and crates of craft paper in hopes of winning a position in her firm. One lovely but weak contestant was sitting before Martha in tears confessing she wanted to quit the competition. Suddenly, Martha’s skin turns scaly and red, curled horns erupt from her forehead and in the metallic voice of a demon-spawn she booms, “You wanna quit? I went to prison so I wouldn’t have to quit!”

Immediately, I became a fan of Martha Stewart.

This spring, another celebrity trial begins – this time, our own Conrad Black will face the charges of making too much money making too much money for other people. The unhappy coincidence of grubby investors and an ambitious government lawyer who sees his ticket to the Illinois governor’s mansion in this trial may prove to be the undoing of Conrad Black.

Chuckercanuck knows very little about law; his legal education begins and ends with Judges Whopner and Judy. Is Conrad Black guilty or innocent? I have no opinion.

All I know is that Conrad Black has done more for Canada than the great many media barons this country has produced. He brought a passion not only for profitable business, but excellent writing and conservative thinking. Imagine, before Lord Black launched the National Post, the Globe & Mail was the only national newspaper and its temperament then as it is now was decidedly left-of-centre Liberal. It was easy to ridicule conservative thought, demonize conservative politicians and deride anyone who dared question the Trudeau legacy. The great national debate was a self-congratulatory monologue where the only difference was whether socialism was served best with caviar or champagne.

Whatever fate lies ahead for Conrad Black, Chuckercanuck is launching the “Conrad Black Restoration Fund” – it is monies to be used by Mr. Black to begin whatever projects in the Canadian media landscape he sees fit. To contribute to this fund, send me cash in unmarked bills and I promise to tuck it away until he has the time to spend the money. If I end up short at the end of a given month, I can’t promise not to dip into the reserves, but I can promise my dipping will be for an almost equally important cause: Chuckercanuck.

Labels: Free Conrad Black

Wondering where you can hook up with newly minted and soon-to-be booted Liberal leader, Stephane Dion? Chuckercanuck has the agenda...

March 5th
Location: Next to the spoon-guy in front of Olgilvy's, Montreal, Quebec
Topic: You moronic Quebeckers, I am from Quebec. Therefore, support me.

March 8th
Location: Trudi's Gay & Lesbian Second Hand Bookstore & Zenporium, Toronto, Ontario
Topic: You know I'm in trouble if I meet a hostile crowd here


March 11th
Location: Third bus shelter on bus route 11*, Winnipeg, Manitoba
Topic: People who know me, trust my leadership. Except for most of my former cabinet colleagues - they think I'm nuts and can't balance a cheque book.

* reserve tickets early, should be a full house.

March 14th
Location: Basement of Pete's house, Edmonton, Alberta
Topic: Albertans, truly you are an awful bunch of people. Shame!


March 17th
Location: Yogi's Nutritionals & Alfalfa House, Vancouver, British Columbia
Topic: Whatever you do, block your ears and avoid reading the newspapers when the federal budget comes out. Please! I'm begging you! My leadership is on the line here!

Labels: Leadership Schedules

Dear Mario,

Jean Charest thinks he's got you stumped. While he turns a blind eye to reformed separatists in his own ranks, he demands that you get off the fence and declare yourself: federalist or separatist? Your answer so far, "that you are neither, you are an 'autonomist'" plays well in nationalists, but Canada-lovers in suburban Montreal may not be comfortable with that talk.

Funnily enough, you should be getting sandwhich from the back end by Boisclair on the very same question - "well, are you a separatist or not?" But the only question Mr. Boisclair can ask with strength is, "how's my hair?"

Anyway, here's my advice on how to answer the federalist/separatist question in a way that will secure the premiership for you.

1) You don't want another referendum. Ever. You have stated as much but just start your answer with that every time it comes up. No more referendums. How is this different from Jean Charest and the Liberals? They want the spectre of a referendum forever. They want the possibility of a referendum to always loom in the minds of voters. You and the ADQ want it buried, banished, forgotten. Only one party can make referendums permanent history -- you. Here's your mocking question: if it wasn't for separatist politics, what would Liberals have to offer Quebeckers? Their record?

2) Don't use the word "automatiste" in english. To my ear, it sounds like you want us to be stormstroopers from Star Wars. I'm surprised people find it catchy in french because it has the same robotic feel in that language. The word you are looking for that perfectly encapsulates the spirit of provincial-federal relationships you desire has existed in this great land since 1867: confederation.

Are you a separatist or a federalist? I am a confederalist. I believe in the nation as it was first dreamed. While this is far-fetched notion, you could wake up March 27th as premier-elect of Quebec. Suddenly, your thoughts and pledges will become an issue across Canada.

"Automatiste" will scare even the most sympathetic Albertan away with its cybernetic implications.

Say "confederalist" and suddenly you engage the whole of Canada. Besides, that's what you are, a confederalist.

Labels: Gerswhins Predicted this in the 30s

Dear Jack,

After the awful spectacle of Dipper MPs playing with puppets, it has become clear to me that you need some advice and fast. With apologies to my Tory overlords, this is what I think you should do:

1) Become the reasonable left-wing party. The Liberal party has abandoned that position and there is a historic opportunity for you to fill that void. This means a few things. One, do not demonize the Tories or Stephen Harper. Explain that when left-wing MPs run around parliament calling everyone and their mother the spawn of Satan, they are tacitly admitting the weakness of their ideas. The NDP and Jack Layton are not progressive fundamentalists terrified to challenge their ideas in open, reasoned debate. The Tories are not greedy blood-suckers, they are simply well-meaning folks who are wrong about a lot of things. Play the role of intellectual counter-point to Stephen Harper - be kind and respectful to him. Give Canadians a sense that a Harper-Layton clash will be one of civility, intelligence and with the best interests of the country always first and foremost. Remember, Canadians by and large like Stephen Harper and like him more with each passing day - so those who show unmitigated contempt for the PM put themselves squarely offside with their fellow citizens.

Remember: Your wonderful father, were he alive today, would be a pretty enthusiastic Harpermaniac. So, unlike the other lefty leaders, you actually have a personal understanding and sympathy for us mis-guided right-wingers. That should help you.

2) Do not pull punches with the Green party. Remind Canadians that the Green party have told us how we're sitting on an environmental time bomb with only a few years left to act. Since that is the case, we cannot afford to introduce a new set of MPs who have a whole education to undertake before they become remotely effective. Furthermore, Elizabeth May is vulnerable to the "hidden agenda" line of attack: can progressive voters trust her on social issues, like abortion? Not one bit! Finally, Elizabeth May said Stephane Dion was a "good" environment minister. This opens her up to the accusation that she's all show, no action and, at the end of the day, just another Liberal stooge.

3) Ignore the Liberal party. No cheap shots, no side swipes. As far as the NDP is concerned, the Liberal party is already history. Of course, you'll be forced to talk about them -- talk about them in past tense. Talk about them as history; that the a productive conversation about the future of Canada does not include the Liberals.

4) Do not put one red cent (pardon the pun) into Quebec. Its a total, complete waste of time. For the next ten years, as a reaction to the last 40, Quebec is Conservative country and the only political success parties will have is largely catering to the immense apetite for fiscal sanity and individual responsibility - not your cup of tea.

Good luck. Don't panic about the polls. Like the greatest Prime Minister ever, you set out a plan, you lay milestones, you check the pulse after milestones but you couldn't give a rat's ass in between. Otherwise, you aren't planning - someone else is for you.

Labels: a green and a dipper walk into a bar..., A Grit

This morning, a veteran of the Laval police department was shot dead during a raid in a Montreal suburb. Daniel Tessier was 42 and leaves behind two young daughters. Needless to say, the city is in shock and police departments across Quebec are devastated that sucha good man should fall in noble service.

Cocaine trafficking in Quebec remains a scourge, its victims are not simply slovenly bikers blowing each other up but good men and women, like Daniel Tessier, working to protect our society from its menace.

While political leadership would not do anything to bring this father back to his daughters, it would be nice to know that his death does not go unnoticed and his sacrifice is not in vain. Since this is an election period, it is incumbent upon all three leaders to explain what they will do about cocaine trafficking in this province and how they will support the provincial and municipal police in their efforts to keep Quebec the safe.

Labels: Cocaine Traffiking is a scourge

Andre Boisclair slumps into the Café des Artistes on St-Denis street where he finds, alone at the end of the long marble-top bar, Stephane Dion sipping absynth poured into a glass over a cube of sugar.

AB: Can I join for a drink?
SD (broad smile of recognition): A toast to madness? Bartender, set another two of this wormwood liqueur for us.
AB: So how’s life?
SD: Terrific. You?
AB: Never better. Except for that freak up in the separatist heartland who said he would never vote for a “tapette”.
SD: That was offensive!
AB: All of Quebec was offended. Trust me, I would never have three way sex with him in a tent after that offensive thing he said.
SD: Mean either. In fact, I’m telling everyone to vote for the mean-spirited, hard-right, neo-conservative, no social conscience ADQ in the provincial election.
AB: That makes no sense.
SD: No, it doesn’t but I guess that explains why I have brought the Liberal party to its knees in a few short months.
AB: Don’t get ahead of yourself, I took a commanding lead for the PQ and turned it into a historic collapse in only 1 year. You haven’t gone that far yet.
SD: How did you do it?
AB: Beats me. For one thing, I’m a rich kid with no accomplishments to my name, supremely arrogant with an immense sense of entitlement.
SD: You sound like a Liberal!
AB: Ha! I sure do. What’s your secret?
SD: Oddly similar. I am immensely arrogant, suffer tunnel-vision and demonize my opponents not for political expediency, rather I am a fanatic in the style of a pacifist Pol Pot and cannot see a single virtue in people who question me.
AB: But you know. Its not just me. Sure, I’m captain of a ship, but its like taking over the Titanic on the final leg past Newfoundland. You know? The PQ has no reason to exist anymore.
SD: Yup. Same here. The Liberal party has no reason to exist anymore either. Look at us, we’re the NDP without the puppet shows. At the end of the day, its really their fault not mine. At least you got to play wounded victim yesterday.
AB: What do you mean?
SD: You know, with that bluet from the Saguenay trash-talking your sexual orientation.
AB: Fucking eh. I guess I scored a few sympathy points, but he really got me steamed. I can assure you, he is on my list of men I will never have three-way sex with in a tent.
SD: Amen to that brother. Amen to that.

Labels: Tom Petty predicted this in the early 90s

Yesterday, I expressed some confusion over Stephane Dion's defense of the roles Navdeep Bains and Omar Alghebra played in the leadership race. He said they were simply encouraging new Canadian communities of all stripes to participate in the race, regardless of what candidate would be backed. In other words: (1) both Bains and Alghebra actively worked against their own candidates - if we are to believe Stephane Dion; (2) Bains and Alghebra were pounding the pavement in little Italies and meeting with folks from Chinatown or the Polish-Canadian friendship society because they were not organizing within the communities in which they are members; (3) they didn't ask for "traditional titles" that usually accompanied such work.

The last has me particularly disconcerted. What is the "traditional title" one receives for this "traditional work" within the Liberal party? What work was this and how was it part of the standard operating procedure - read, tradition - of that party?

None of us know but the worrying comments from Jonathan Kay's now-infamous column of earlier this week has most of Canada wondering.

Molarmauler's first rule of Canadian media, "a story is interesting to journalists in direct proportion to the damage it might cause Stephen Harper", means we will never have our 5th estate tell us. But perhaps a trial out in Lotusland will begin to give us a glimpse of what Stephane Dion meant by "traditional titles" for this conventional convention work.

In the lead up to the Martin coronation, Herb Dhaliwal was ousted from his riding by Martin henchmen and a surge in Liberal memberships from the Sikh community in that riding - ostensibly for being loyal to Jean Chretien. Mr. Dhaliwal fingered a Liberal organizer, Mr. Basi, for planning and executing the coup. Months later, Mr. Basi, along wth a colleague, Mr. Virk had their BC Legislature offices raided by the RCMP on suspicions of influence peddling and drug smuggling. Not the ridiculous, impossible to believe influence peddling over security measures; just the garden variety "lets make cash of government procurement contracts" type influence peddling.

Anyway, the story went quiet until recently with the trial for these two Liberal organizers fast approaching (in April). However, some strange things have cropped up during the investigations that hopefully will be clarified via the trial. One, the RCMP seized the membership lists of Federal Liberals in British Columbia (relevance?). Two, there are questions about how the Liberal party paid for a chartered flight of Youth Delegates to the Martin coronation in 2003 on Harmony airlines.

We may not get a clear picture of what happened in Montreal in December - certainly Mr. Dion's obfuscations and Mr. Alghabra's misrepresentations are no help. But perhaps this trial will help Canadians understand what Mr. Dion meant by the "traditional titles" some organizers earned for their work within the Liberal Party.

Stay tuned. And to read the reporting coming out of BC on this - head over to Joanne True Blue's site.

Labels: Week 1 of a 1 Week Story

Chuckercanuck has received an advanced copy of Stephane Dion's major speech on Social Justice tomorrow in Halifax. Here it is.

Comrades,
Let us begin with a prayer:

Oh Lord Social Justice, lead me into temptation, overlook my trespasses and deliver me from the evils of work. Amen.

Today, this great country, its people devoted believers, bask in the approving glow of our Lord and Saviour. But even here, in this tiny Eden of government guidance, the enemies of our benign Father let loose the scourge of initiative and individual responsibility.

There are, even now after the Prophets Marx and Engels shared the holy word, pagan women who disgrace His teachings by refusing to submit their children to the wise rearing of state-trained functionaries. Not only do these infidels deprive the government of its rightful taxes and deprive you of the fruits of their economic participation: they condemn their children to life of blight and misery. A flower without water wilts to an ugly shrivelled shunt of once-was. Likewise, a child without Social Justice soon becomes a perversion of human potential.

We must smash the unbelievers and rip their children from their false busoms. Rise up! Rise up! Save the children and bring them into the embrace of Social Justice.

Social Justice is a warm blanket, a life vest, an immovable condom protecting us from the disease of life. Social Justice is the firm, guiding hand of collective wisdom ensuring no one falls prey to the failings of individual thought. Rise Up!

I can feel, now, here in this hall, this temple, the spirit of Social Justice coursing through my veins, filling me with the power of miracles. Can you feel the power of miracles pulsing through this room?

[pause for "yes!" and "Amen!" and "Hallelejuah!"]

I can feel His power! Who here needs healing? Who here needs the touch of Social Justice?

[pause for staffer to stumble up to the podium pretendig to be blind. she will say, "I do!"]

Poor innocent lamb, you cannot see. You are blind. No doubt the forces of evil stole your sight to build a wall between you and Social Justice. Come here, my child. Feel the power. Feel the power from my hands.

[place hands on her closed eyes. she weeps. Get Scott Brison to stand behind her, ready to catch her when she falls.]

Feel the power. The miracle is coming. The miracle is landing. The miracle of Social Justice is racing from my fingertips and into your eyes. See! See! You can see!

[she collapses, laughing, crying, screaming, "I can see! I can see!"]

With Social Justice, all things are possible. Without it, evil reigns!

Thank you, Amen and Social Justice Bless Canada!

[make quick exit to duck media while Gerard Kennedy passes through the crowd with the Liberal Election Readiness Collection Plate]

Labels: Neil Diamond predicted this in the 70s

Jacobin, regular poster and local poster-boy for the Taliban Appreciation Society, called me a facist today. When I asked how that was so, he directed me to an interesting piece set to the music of Kander & Ebb. Are you a facist? Here's 14 characteristics of a facist. Interestingly, it points very clearly to the fact that the Liberal Party is the most facist party in Canada.

1. Powerful & continuing nationalism
==> Has any party been more freakishly nationalist than the Liberal Party of Canada. Sheila Copps sends millions of flags around the country, Jean Chretien breaks every rule to plaster the maple leaf across Quebec, David Orchard is Canada's most paranoid nationalist and important power-broker for Stephane Dion.

2. Disdain for human rights
==> No party can really be accused of this. However, I note that the video says, "even approves of torture" - the only national politician who ever mused about teh benefits of torture is the deputy leader of the Liberal Party of Canada.

3. Identifying Enemies or Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause
==> What party exploits Bush and America more than the Liberal Party?

4. Supremacy of the Military
==> No party can be accused of this - except admitedly, the Tories are the only party that cares about the military (anymore).

5. Controlled Mass Media
==> The media fawns over the Liberal party; most of the major media owners are Liberals and/or work for Liberals during campaigns; the CRTC does not allow Fox News into this country; Liberal senators/GGs/Aide-de-Camps often come from the ranks of the media. The Tories endure a hostile media climate.

6. Rampant Sexism
==> No party can be accused of being "rampantly sexist". Although the Liberal Party has waged for some time now a campaign to eradicate the stay-at-home mother and industrialize the child rearing process since it is has no "economic value" to society.

7. Obsession with National Security
==> We can debate what "obsession" means, but to throw everyone a bone, the Tories are the only party who puts a priority of the security of the nation.

8. Religion & Government are Intertwined
==> Bhuddists would object to simple-minded definitions of religion. Social Justice is a religion whose most fervent and dogmatic adherent is its Cardinal Dion. Off-balance sheet institutions like the Trudeau is God fund are futher proof that Liberals attempt to impose the Social Justice religion on Canadians via their own tax dollars. Reminder: Nazis were anti-Christian pagans.

9. Corporate Power is Protected
==> Ask Bombardier or Power Corp who looks after their interests? Ask Denis Corderre who looks after Quebec's Aerospace industry? Yup. The Liberal Party is the Corporate power of Canada.

10. Labour power is suppressed
==> No one here is guilty of this. Except to say that most left-wing parties, Liberals, Bloc and NDP try to concentrate the power of workers in the hands of a few union bosses, thus stripping the individual worker of any power.

11. Disdain for intellectuals & arts
==> Again, everybody gets a free pass. Except that when Stephane Dion says Tories like me have "no social conscience" it is to avoid any serious debate of ideas and to reduce honest differences from the philosophical to medical conditions. Think differently? You need a lobotomy. So, I guess the Liberal Party now qualifies here too.

12. Obsession with Crime & Punishment
==> All three major parties were pretty big on this during the election. Only one party still is. So, okay, Tories take this one home.

13. Rampant Cronyism & Corruption
==> Uhhhhhhh. Do I have to bother? Liberal Party.

14. Fraudulent Elections
===> Uhhhh. Who spent the sponsorship cash during elections? How was it spent? We still don't know the answer even though Cardinal Dion thinks illegal election slush funds are no big deal. Liberal Party of Canada.

So. Jacobin, I am no facist. But the Liberal Party of Canada certainly is.

Labels: I did not know Liberals were Facists too

Guffaw First.
In the National Post, Stephane Dion sets out a brittle, blind-dumb defense of his party's sunsetting of the anti-terrorist measures. Ultimately, the one justification he makes is that the provisions that lead to unfair and premature tarnishing of an individual's reputation cannot be allowed to stand. If this principle applies here, it applies everywhere and so, consider this:

Would you buy a pig from Willy Picton's farm?
Would you invest in a company run by Conrad Black?

Stephane Dion and his Liberals have no choice: they must begin the wholesale dismantling of our justice system. No justice system can ever avoid unfair and premature tarnishing of a person's reputation, therefore any justice system is an assault on civil liberties. No doubt, the Bloc and NDP will join with the Liberals on this project. In fact, none of these three parties can avoid the obvious, necessary conclusions of their own principles.

Furthermore, Stephane Dion must kick Denis Corderre out of caucus. Denis Corderre unfairly tarnished the reputation of General Rick Hillier, thereby assaulting Mr. Hillier's civil liberties. Denis Corderre is unfit to be a Liberal (as well as being generally unfit).

Shock, second.
Stephane Dion addresses with vehemence the Jonathan Kay column that has now become the most infamous (read: excellent) bit of reporting in Canada in years. Read this utterly creepy quote from the great Cardinal Dion:

"Liberal MPs such as Navdeep Bains and Omar Alghabra encouraged members of newer Canadian cultural communities to get democratically engaged in politics for the cnadidate they believed in, not even seeking traditional campaign titles for themselves in return."

As Jonathan Kay proved, I am as ignorant of internal Liberal workings as everyone else, but what campaign titles were traditionally allotted for that kind of work? If the last convention was a break from tradition - kindly tell me what that tradition was. And, how does eschewing these traditional titles take-away from the work performed? Furtheremore, both these gentlemen backed a leader. Is Stephane Dion so assured of our stupidity that he thinks we would believe they would spend time organizing "newer Canadian cultural communities" on behalf of people other than their candidates? If so, can we expect Bains and Alghabra to go out and organize on the Tories behalf in the next election since what matters to them is the participation and not the support? Finally, what exactly are "newer Canadian cultural communities"? Did Bains and Alghabra organize Croatians, Bulgarians, Armenians? How about Rwandans - how much time did they spend in that community? Montreal is the beneficiary of a large new, Columbian and Chilean community. Did Bains and Alghabra organize in those communities? I have a hard time believing that those two didn't stick within their own communities. Three bits of malarchy, to use an "older Canadian cultural community" expression, make a truck-load of bullshit. And bullshit stinks - whether you give it its "traditional title" or not.

Labels: Shock and Guffaw