ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Some time ago, at MP academy, MPs were randomly selected to share rooms. Stephane Dion and Stephen Harper drew each other, which, given their positions today, leaves many of us to wonder what that fateful week together must have been like.....

Scene 1. You had me at "Hello".
Stephen Harper is on the couch, sipping rootbeer and snacking on chocolate-dipped pretzels. Stephane Dion walks in. Stephen Harper smiles and salutes. Dion's face goes ashen as if the devil is before him wanting to collect his dues.

Dion: Merde des grands merdes! Never in my life! I thought, worst case, I'd be stuck with Gilles. Not you! I can't spend a week living with a greed-mongering destroyer of civilization. I can't spend a day living with a sociopathic purveyor of pestilence. This is a nightmare. This is an abomination that makes me sick a million times over. I cannot abide this. You digust me, you tax-cutting supporter of the wicked traditional family.

Harper: Hoepfully, we can make this work.

Dion rushes into the bathroom, slams the door behind him then locks it. He doesn't come out until the next morning.

Scene 2. The Television.

Harper: I'm glad today's sessions ended early. We can catch Duffy on Question Period.

Dion: No. No television. I have a big, big headache and I don't want the noise.

Harper: What? I'll watch quietly. I promise.

Dion: Tell you what, I faxed their script to them over lunch. How about I just give you a copy to read. I promise you, Duffy doesn't depart from script.

Harper: You kidding me? Okay. I tivoed Politics. I can watch that with the closed captions.

Dion: No. It will still annoy me. (rifles through his school bag) Here. Here's Don Newman's
script. We put it together for him this morning. Here's every word we told him to say on his show.


Scene 3. The Phone Call.
Stephane Dion whispers into the telephone, covering his mouth - all of this futile because his shrill hysteria cannot be tuned down.

Dion: Yes, cocotte, its me. You'll have to listen careful. I must whisper. (pause.) Because he is listening to me, chou-chou. (pause.) He will steal my ideas. That's what he is - an idea stealing bully. (pause.) No, listen amour, he has magic powers. I can feel him now. He is sucking ideas out of my brain as we speak.

Harper sighs, rolls his eyes, gets up and washes some dishes.

Scene 4. Nighty, night.
Its 8.30 pm and both men are tucking themselves in for a good night's sleep. Stephen Harper notices that Stephane Dion has yet to turn off his bed-side light, even though his eyes are shut and he appears to be counting sheep.

Harper: Um, Stephane?

Dion: What is it!

Harper: Are you going to turn that light out? Its rather bright.

Dion: No. I will not do that.

Harper: Isn't it a waste of taxpayer dollars to leave it on while we're asleep?

Dion: There you go again with your useless taxpayers.

Harper: Well. Isn't it bad for the environment, then, to waste the energy?

Dion: That's not fair! I cannot sleep in complete darkness. It gives me the willies. Just turn on your side and you won't notice.

Harper groans like Marge Simpson as he turns away and tries to ignore the light.


Scene 5. Breakfast.
Stephen Harper is eating toasted english muffins and reading Science magazine. Stephane Dion is munching on a chocolatine, perusing the latest issue of Modern Marxist.

Harper: Mmmmmm. Says here that termites emit more greenhouse gases than all the fossil fuels we burn in a year.

Dion (covers his ears and whips his head back as if it were about to explode, Scanners-style): Blasphemer! I'll have you know, Stephen Harper, when I become Prime Minister I will make climate-change denial hate speech and we will throw you in jail for saying garbage like that!

Harper: Thank god this is the last day.

Labels: I am not biased