ChuckerCanuck 2.0

This being the first year of the Annual Chuckercanuck of the Year Awards, you can imagine there would be some kinks and hiccups. Today I had to fire the awards oversight committee and assume full oversight responsibilities. As such, my first act is to re-instate the category of:

Worst Journalism in 2006
This award goes to the CBC for their intensifying coverage of the Myriam Bedard saga. Every half an hour, the CBC reports on her status, legal and physical. The CBC insisted I know that she's in solitary confinement at her request, fearing for her safety. I feel like Hannibal Lector with a deformed henchman growling this stuff through his walkie-talkie - "did Myriam get a jail beating?" I savour the news, smiling and petting a cat psychotically. Any minute, I expect the CBC to have a mapquest Myriam-tracker on their website. Prediction: in eight years, Miriam Bedard and the CBC will co-produce a movie about this whole episode calling it, "Not without my Canadian daughter" - Colm Feore will play Myriam Bedard.

Best Vinegar of 2006
Poor sherry vinegar - everybody reaches over you for the herbed this or the champagne that. Chuckercanuck awards you the prize of Best Vinegar for 2006 in order to remind people of what a versatile viniegar you are. No cupboard should be without you.

The Sun chain and their Canoe network take home this award with their article: "Ancient ice shelf snaps and breaks free from the Canadian Arctic."

The ice shelf is 3,500 years old. Use the word "ancient" and the average Timbit addict thinks "human-free natural balance of things", like a Disney movie where the gazelles and lions sing a chorus number about the "circle of life". But 3,500 years old, in geological time, is a blink, blip or recent history at best. If left on their own, readers would marvel at the thought of there not being ice shelves there a mere 3,500 years ago, which is just the opposite conclusion that the article seeks to give. By using the word "ancient" the reporter smoothes over that problem, hoping the majority who might have thought about how un-ancient 3,500 years is, never bother because the ice shelf is qualified as "ancient".

The oversight commitee for the Chuckercanuck End of the Year Awards has decided not to hand out a Worst Journalism for 2006 award, in favor of the above award. However, this piece, along with the CBC's attempt to turn Myriam Bedard into Canada's OJ, deserve honourable mentions for the worst journalism award.

The art of running a successful totalitarian regime lies in getting the details right. Small affleurissements in every press conference, advertisement or presidential edict sets apart the Ivan the Terribles from the Ivan the Could-Have-Been-Worses. Example: the Castro regime flies a doctor - a surgeon, no less - from Spain to check-up on Fidel. Then, it orchestrates a press conference with the surgoen to let the Trudeaus know they can store away the worry beads.

Now, any luckier-than-smart autocracy could manage that. The details are where the Castro regime reminds everyone they are the masters: the surgeon, before he goes out to meet the "press", puts his hospital ID badge on. Masterstroke! You fat western capitalists with your cynicism might think he's just a guy in a white coat, well choke on his ID!

No wonder then, that the Castro Regime wins Chuckercanuck's Best Temporary Fraternal Handover of Power in 2006. Raoul calls all the shots and Fidel whittles the hours in a crafts class. I can't see the difference, can you see the difference? The only real difference: instead of Fidel the Generalissimo in his stern green army suit, we get Adidas Fidel, decked out head to toe in a nylon track suit of red, turquoise and black. This has only helped the regime, as I can relate to a guy you'd see in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot in New Jersey, less so to a fellow who feels he must, at any moments notice in his waking life, blend in with nearby foliage.

To the tireless folks who make that place a modern day serfdom with the cheapest all-inclusives in the Caribean - Feliz!

Wow. In the history of the Chuckercanuck year end awards, never has the same person won more than one prize in a single year. This year, the inaugural year actually, the unbelieveable happened: a separate panel of distinguished judges have independently named the same person for the different award. More astoundingly, the award for best journalist rarely goes to sports writing. Not because there isn't quality writing in that field, the field brims with quality; simply because sports reporting has to surmount the worry that we look trivial by handing the award to a guy reporting from the Bell Centre and not the guy in Kandahar or Bagdhad.

This year however, a single piece of work animates an important historic milestone in Canadian sport, bringing drama and substance to its telling. I'm sure we can all agree this is the best piece of journalism produced in Canada in 2006. Reporting like that will save the newspaper industry, that's for sure. Hearty Congratulations to Prime Minister Stephen Harper for that gem on the Toronto Maple Leafs and doing the impossible, winning a second Chuckercanuck end of the year award in one year.

They tell me Quebec is overrun by environmentalists - every citizen a paragon of greenly concern. But a walk through any neighbourhood in Montreal makes Chuckercanuck think: what a load of Belinda Stronach. True, LED Christmas lights have assumed some prominence on the window sills and shrubs of the island, but their cold, unfestive light is drowned by the appearance of the most disgusting holiday decorations of 2006 (note: this category ended with a tie).

1. Metal replicas of woodland creatures that light up at night
Up my street, you'd think they were doing casting calls for a live action Bambi remake. Every critter from the Sleepy Hollow and Winnie-the-Pooh-land is replicated with metal mesh and little white lights. Each animal frozen in some classic pose like, "munching on the leaves" or "made curious by a strange noise". Next year, Chuckercanuck industries plans to roll out a Christmas hunter that you can place amongst your scatter of creatures. Christmas hunter will be specially programmed to go live at 3 am and kill these munjack deer and fuzzy rabbits, thus saving us from a tacky abuse of our environment.

2. Inflatable Santas.
Is there anything creepier in life than inflatable Santas? You plug Santa in and he lights up and inflates, spreading Christmas cheer at less than 6 amps! Its truly wonderful. If Santa isn't your bag of tea, inflatable Grinch, polar bears and merry-go-rounds are yours at Canadian Tire for under $30. Were Norman Rockwell alive today, would inflatable holiday decorations be splashed across his canvases? Somehow I doubt it. The least palatable thing about these inflatable Santas is the question of what people do with them, especially the lonely people, when Santa is no longer poofing up on the front lawn. Is inflatable Santa a way to re-kindle romance in the master bedroom come Valentine's day? Chuckercanuck Industries will have an inflatable Ms. Claus out next year - and this is inflatable "3rd wife" Ms. Claus, perky and just out of college.

Merry Christmas!

In my generation, rebellion is conservative and the mark of establishment wankerdom is lefty. In fact, “cool” is a sea of conformity that bores the crap out of any independent minded Canuck such as myself. Putting on daddy’s Woodstock flower shirts, turning your basement into a shrine to gansta culture or piercing any piece of hanging flesh on your body: all this adds up to wanting to be a sterile photocopy of your parents in their youth.

Pop music went this way long ago – get five heroin addicts from Manchester behind synthesizers and you have an automatic hit that some Liberal will turn into a campaign theme song at some point. But if you make your way through the slurs and slurps to decipher the lyrics, you find yourself snoozing through the same old, same old: life sucks as a teenager, girlfriends break hearts, and leather jackets make the man.

One album this year defied convention and mystified the day-time latter sippers who argue over which brand of vodka tastes best at night: William Shatner’s Has Been.
A collection of song sculptures – words mostly by Montreal’s Shatner and music mostly by Ben Folds. Soaring, hilarious, catchy, tangy, spicy, low-carb delicious – each song will change the way you see the world.

Without question: Has Been is the best album of 2006. William Shatner, the best Montrealer of 2006. Buy the CD and change your life.

The past few weeks has seen Stephane Dion declare himself a hero for saving seagulls from extinction and whipping his social conscience out to impress female voters with how big it is. One of his running themes has been the “mean-spirited” and “ideological” cuts to federal student aid packages. What cuts you may ask? Exactly. No cuts. In fact, the federal Tories are spending more on student aid packages than the Liberals had done in previous years. So how is more spending equal to a “mean-spirited” and “ideological” cut? Well, Mr. Dion is comparing what is currently spent against what the Liberals promised days before the last election.

I must admit, I was hurt when Stephane Dion said I, like all Tories, lacked a social conscience. But as the weeks progress, I feel more and more comfortable without the burden of said conscience. When you have a social conscience, you tend to lie a lot because the ends justify the lie. Furthermore, the weight of a social conscience means you haven’t the time to deal in facts and realities; only announceables and policy papers. Make no mistake: in Mr. Dion’s mind, electing him PM is all that is required to meet Kyoto targets. He gets behind a podium, announces a plan and poof! Problem solved, let’s move on to helping create transgendered friendly spaces in our nation’s zoos so that zebra and giraffe born ‘different’ don’t feel ‘excluded’.

Lastly, a week ago I asked whether removing the Not With Standing clause from the Charter of Rights was still a Liberal policy position. The response from many was, “oh, that was a back of the cocktail napkin promise. It doesn’t count.” But here Mr. Dion is elevating a “back of the cocktail napkin” promise as not simply a promise, but an actual government spending program. Obviously, this earns him the title “Phoniest Politician of 2006” – but it also makes him own every other stupid promise that Paul Martin made when his political liffe tanked.

The stream of year-end awards continues at Chuckercanuck. Today, it is with great pride that I announce the 2006 Flag of the Year. Every year, starting this year, Chuckercanuck picks out a flag that made news, turned heads and wowed the people from Dartmouth to Damascus.

The winning flag this year is a flag of soaring inspiration; one that immediately evokes family picnics and civic-mindedness. Marched down the streets of Montreal this summer aside the likes of Andre Boisclair, Gilles Duceppe and Denis Corderre, the flag immediately conjured images of peace, brotherhood and giving the world a Coke in perfect harmony. What's a maple leaf or a fleur-de-lys set against the much more lovely, AK-47?

For 2006, the Flag of the Year belongs to Hizbullah:

With actual news coming full stop for the Christmas holiday, Chuckercanuck plans to fill this blog with non-stop "year-in-review" type junk for your reading pleasure. To kick-start the whole thing, I am proud to announce Chuckercanuck's Canadian of the Year award.

This year, the award goes to a man who inspired the hit TV show "Heroes" as well as the upcoming film, "Rocky Balboa". Some music historians believe he inspired Beethoven's 9th Symphony, the "Ode to Joy" - a claim I have no troubles believing. Funny, dashing and making Canada better by the minute, the Canadian of the Year for 2006 is:

STEPHEN HARPER

Tonight, the CBC's National proved to me that when it comes to climate change, zoos are worth it. Oh, and eco-tourists are the communist-secreteriat in waiting: rules matter, except for us!

Thanks to contacts in the network of global espionage, Chuckercanuck obtained a document of great import for the world, created by the International Jewish Conspiracy based in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania next to the Wendy’s on main street. I share it with my concerned readers, especially the frothing Dionistas who have, among other things, pointed out that the jews pushed Hitler’s buttons and that’s why there was a holocaust. So here it is: 2007 Goals & Objectives for the International Jewish Conspiracy:

1 – Get the OJ Simpson book published. We know he did it. He knows he did it. There’s a dead jew involved. Let’s set the record straight.

2 - Force McDonald’s into offering a 2-for-1 special on the filet-o-fish. It is the best sandwhich they serve and its offensive to our brotherhood that they should charge $2.56 (USD) for the privilege of eating it.

3 - Begin merger discussions with the Masons. More than ever, we have common interests and the overhead savings would be tremendous.

4 - Rig the upcoming elections in France and Canada. Have Stephane Dion win both of them.

5 - Create an embarrassing sex scandal for President Amedinejad – catch him on tape, roaring like a tiger, Yassar-style.

6 - Reveal who really shot JR.

7 - Send cash payments to our masters on Planet Zion.

8 - Implant a mini-speaker into the ear of every jewish person so that we can transmit timely advice to them, not just big stuff, like avoiding the WTC when we plan to fake a terrorist attack on it, but small stuff too that would make their lives better. Secret traffic reports, for example. Advice on where the best produce in town can be found that week. Movie reviews and fashion tips.

Hello out there. Please help:

In the last election, the Liberal party promised to gut our Charter of Rights to remove the Not Withstanding Clause.

Does anyone know if their new leader has taken a different stance on this issue, or is the Liberal Party still committed to re-engineering the Charter of Rights as soon as it can? I do know that Stephane Dion's 1 Quebec MP endorsement, Marlene Jennings, strongly supports altering the Charter of Rights.

Please help me.

David Duke, like any good ol' boy from deep down south with a love for Jesus and Nascar, was in Tehran, Iran this week, networking with all the key figures of the Holocaust denial industry at the first ever global conference on the subject. Smug Canada, resist the superiority tingles, for we too had representation at the Iranian President's jew-bash bash. Professor Shiraz Dossa of St-FX University in Nova Scotia.

In fairness, Professor Shiraz Dossa's kick ain't holocaust denial, he's perfectly happy the reality of the holocaust, he just wants the jewish people to stop complaining about it. He accepted the invitation "gladly" and never once thought anything wrong with the Iranian President's call for the destruction of Israel. He'll take any opportunity to criticize the Western World. In other words: Professor Dossa is your typical Canadian social sciences professor.

"Typical" is maybe a wee out of proportion: Professor Dossa is an apologist for the olocaust denial conference and the Iranian president generally. He called the conference "practising freedom of discussion". WE, the West, are supposed to feel embarassed by the conference because it shows that "freedom of discussion" is alive and well in Iran. Kind of the Jerry Springer logic - I'll make you better people by exposing you to people worse than yourselves. If that was the point, maybe President Amedinejad's next conference should be about the art of female self-stimulation. That would positively embarass us all.

If we're going to be embarassed, its by what kind of crap has accumulated in our universities. If we're to feel any shame over Professor Dossa and his conference, its only insofar that our universities charge students (and the government) tuition to hear the illuminations of such loopy people. The student at St-Francis-Xavier pay some of the highest class fees in Canada. They have every right to ask for their money back.

Gilles Duceppe announced today the Bloc's intention to introduce a motion of non-confidence in the government over Afghanistan. The NDP will surely support the motion, as it wants the troops home in time for Valentine's day. The Liberals will surely support the motion, since their new leader wants our troops to perform the club-med like duties that Germany and France have nobly taken up in Afghanistan. Unless there is a revolt from within the Liberal caucus, it seems a winter election is unavoidable.

The opposition wants to see more reconstruction and less combat. In Kandahar province, more highway has been built in the past few years than has been built in Quebec in decades. But that doesn't count. Across Afghanistan, girls are going to school and boys are learning math, not the quickest way to load an AK-47. That doesn't count. In fact, let's not be fooled:

There will never be enough reconstruction to satisfy the opposition. We could build Picadilly Circus in the heart of Kandahar, a Hyundai dealership on every block and the most efficient carbon trading market in the world and they will still clammer for more reconstruction. Because reconstruction is code-word for retreat; we cannot reconstruct while sniped, mortared and road-side bombed. They know that. They know too, that the Taliban, seeing Canadian forces digging wells and irrigation channels won't tear up and say, "gosh, those Canadians. We had them all wrong." So, if they are offering a false solution, its because its not the real solution they have in mind. Cut and run, indeed.

So what has made Gilles Duceppe jumpy about Afghanistan? Why the sudden urge to topple the government over Afghanistan? My google skills aren't the best - so I came up short in trying to find a policy-based reason for the change of heart.

The only thing I could come up with is that the Liberals have a new leader and Gilles feels squeezed and rushed to secure his seats for another 18 months. The longer he waits, the more Quebec's federal politics will become monopolized by, er, federalists. Maybe Gilles figures Quebec will go into a provincial election this spring, and he'd better secure his seat fast, because Andre Boisclair is going to smear all separatists with a big ol' incompetent-crack-cocaine-gay-sex-but-not-with-Harper&Bush brush. Or, maybe, this non-confidence threat is just that, a cheap threat to get a headline after a season in the shadows.

Pick your favorite reasoning, they all come to the same conclusion: Afghanistan matters to Gilles only as far as a half dozen seats in urban Montreal.

THEN
This weekend marks, for me, the end of the Promo Girl era. I do not know when she was officially disappeared from the nation's radio waves, but I think its more than just an ill-timed vacation. Promo Girl will no longer purr about homelessness and coo about climate change. No longer will the CBC try to give me a boner while advertising a documentary about life during chemotherapy. True enough, CBC Radio One won't sound like a day-long highball party anymore, but that's the price of dignity.

NOW
CBC Television opts to dig itself deeper into self-parody. In January, CBC will premiere its edgy, hot sitcom, Little Mosque on the Prairie. Life as a moslem in small-town Saskatachewan. That's the concept. Click to view some of the show's highlights to judge the execution.

Judged only from the clips, there is a slim audience for this crap: soft-bellied liberals looking for a more "multicultural" Corner Gas. Here, the CBC isn't interested in telling our stories, it wants to tell us what our stories should be. In so doing, its delivers a product daring only in as much as the broadcaster would dare to serve this up as comedy to Canadians. About Canadians.

Journalists at this moment are scrambling to find someone to explain what haxafluorobutaiene is; because today Canada put it on notice. Minister Ambrose made it the first target of her new $300 million initiative to reduce and remove toxic chemicals from our environment. Chuckercanuck caught up with the unusual chemical compound at his Florida beach house, where he winters.

CC: Mr. Butadiene, what exactly are you?
Hex: Call me Hex, CC.
CC: Hex, for those of us less inclined towards chemistry class, what exactly are you?
Hex: Not good at chemistry, for one thing! Just because I am a chemical doesn't mean I know anything about chemistry, believe me. Potassium Chloride, now there's a chick who knows chemistry.
CC: Okay. See, I read this fact sheet about you.
Hex: Like on a trading card that comes with bubble gum? That's neet.
CC: No. On a chemical factsheet published by a big company whose got you in their mail order catalogue.
Hex: What did it say?
CC: Your fluoride and benzene.
Hex: Am I good for anything?
CC: Scratching, as far as I can tell. Not to diminish you by that - you etch things like silicon wafers in the semi-conductor business. You're a gas that scratches and its very high tech.
Hex: Its not the size of the bat, but how you swing, friend.
CC: Are you something cooked up in some industrial lab with unknown long term effects on the human body?
Hex: How the hell do I know? What'd the fact sheet say?
CC: It said - you have negligible global warming potential and okay on the ozone.
Hex: That's it?
CC: Yeah. That's all it said. Kind of weird - human kind cooks up a scratching gas and people are worried about how in contributes to global warming.
Hex: No offense, but you guys have gotten paranoid stupid on global warming. Too many eggs going into that basket.
CC: So you agree with Minister Ambrose's move to make people aware of the toxic effects you and other chemicals have on humans and reduce/remove you from the environment.
Hex: She did what? Crap. I left my good suit up there. Shit! Listen kid, is that why you showed up here with your little radio shack camera and two-inch microphone? Come to crap on my day while you play journalist?
CC: Look, I didn't -
Hex: You want to do some investigative journalism? You want to see if what Minister Ambrose did is necessary or not?

At this, Hexafluorobutadiene loses form and begins to fill the room. I realize this interview is over and quickly rush for the door. He was spreading fast and his smell had a rotting, burning element that gave me the willies. However, luck was on my side - he was not as dense as air and collected at the ceiling. I stooped to the door, swumg it open and promised myself never to interview volatile chemical compounds again.

Readers of Chuckercanuck know this blog is no chamber of sober second thought. Unrelenting propaganda is its stock'n'trade. When an angry reader comments, "this is just Harper spin", they are stating the obvious huffily in lieu of making any kind of considered and consider-worthy response. But I confess: prick me and even this propagandist bleeds - the words sting.

I want you to know that I'm not a zombie-spinmeister for the Prime Minister. I have passionate beliefs just like the next guy. I'm more than just a lousy propagandist on a cyber-soapbox. And the only way to prove that, is to offer you a glimpse into my house. (I bet you didn't know I loved animals).

Welcome (NOTE - you have to click to enlarge the picture):

The Frankenstein’s Monster elected leader of the Liberal party apparently thinks he’s been named Divine Emperor, lashing out at anyone who dares question him. Pat Martin, NDP MP, thinks Mr. Dion could not hold the office of Prime Minister and remain a citizen of France. Mr. Martin likens it to holding an NDP membership and Liberal membership at the same time – its only normal to question loyalties. Reporters brought this to Mr. Dion who boiled with rage and said that Mr. Martin should shut up and keep his opinions to himself. Ah yes, the heart of democracy is keeping one’s thoughts to oneself less you piss off the self-appointed Napoleon. It explains China’s vibrant democratic scene, doesn’t it?

According to him, no one should question Mr. Dion’s loyalty to Canada. End of Story. (He barked “end of story” to inquiring journalists about a dozen times before they realized this guy made the PM look loquacious). Were this all about Stephane Dion, as he would like it to be, it would be end of story. At least, this canuck does not question Mr. Dion’s loyalties (even if he wants Canada to adopt “a club med” approach to Afghanistan, much like, well you know). But Mr. Dion should realize that Canada is more than just Mr. Dion:

For a government, it’s not just the conflict of interest, it’s the appearance of a conflict of interest. Even if Paul Martin would have made decisions on shipping in the best interest of Canada, he still needed to recuse himself to avoid tainting the decision making process. Its not a silly game that doesn’t count because Mr. Dion is convinced of his superior social conscience.

As well, there is the issue of precedent. Fine, France is a lovely country, but would Canadians be comfortable with a Minister of Natural Resources who’s a citizen of Communist China? Or a Minister of Defense who’s a citizen of the United States? What about a Minister of Immigration and Citizenship who heralds from Iran? It seems obvious that the precedent set by Stephane Dion is one Canada would regret into the future.

Lest I piss Mr. Dion off, let’s get back to him. Three days onto the job and its clear that Mr. Dion promises to bring Canadian political discourse to polarizing new lows. The only silver lining in Mr. Dion’s tirade is he didn’t unleash a horde of angry Dionistas to fire-bomb cars in our not-so-Liberal suburbs.

Attention Canadians, the leader of the opposition thinks you may have no social conscience. His test is simple: do you like Stephane Dion or not. But Chuckercanuck has taken the "con" out of conscience and but together a science-based test on whether or not you are the Jason Vorhees of public policy:

React to each statement on a scale from 1 to 5, where 1 is strongly disagree, 5 is strongly agree, and 3 is neither agree nor disagree. (You figure out what 2 and 4 mean). At the end of the test, add your test score by adding each of the numbers to the questions. (So if you said 1 "strongly disagree" to all 5 questions, your test score would be 5).

1. I've always had three grandmas: dad's ma, mom's ma and the federal government.

2. I'm not very clever and wander life in a stupid daze. Very intelligent people should be making key decisions for me on how I live.

3. It doesn't really matter what happens, as long as goverment spends the money on nice sounding things.

4. Heritage Canada should take a page from the Liberal Party and distribute red, maple-flavoured condoms to boost entusiasm for Canada and "raise awareness" of STDs. Fight AIDS and separatism at the same time.

5. For me, the name "Trudeau" is something like Shubert's Ave Maria - it stops me in my tracks and makes me think of God and glory. Say, "Trudeau" and I'm blissfully drunk, reaching out for my credit card. Canada's history begins and ends on a single word, "Trudeau."

Test Score Results

5 - 10 You have no social conscience. If it were up to us, we would hip you up to prison work camps in the high arctic. All you're good for is digging dirt 3000 feet underground in a zinc mine on Baffin Island.

11 - 17 You may technically have a social conscience, but its been grossly perverted, probably because of American television sitcoms. While you would be free to work and live where you choose, we would prefer to revoke your suffrage and right to property.

18 + Congratulations, you have a social conscience.

Ed Grimley, playing the role of a Spanish Inquisitor, is now Leader of the Official Opposition. As vigorous and fanatical as any Spanish Inquisotor, Ed Grimley brings a la-la-la bumblingness and the sum effect is Frankenstein's Monster Rampaging through Ottawa yelling, "raaaaaahhh! raaaaaaah!".

Signs Mr. Dion mistook Liberal youth delegates for a broad cross-section of Canada:

For Conservatives "social housing policy is to build jails and to put teenagers in them."

In my mind, this was his best zinger, a sure hit with hippies. Trivializing crime, however, does not leave Canada's beer belly impressed. In a single day, Dion managed to make the Liberals softer on crime than the NDP.

Do Canadians want a party where "the United States is not only an ally for us but also a model or the party that wants to preserve, always, the independent voice of Canada in the world."

A week ago the Liberals were telling us they weren't anti-American, just anti-Republican, now it appears, the were anti-American afterall. The lamest part of this is that Howard Dean had to learn them to do this at their convention.

"Do we want an additional, useless tax cut or do we want to pull 800,00 kids out of poverty in this country? Canadians will choose"

That's right. Uselesss. Tax Cut. One Sentence. And the "OR" didn't come between them. Jack! this is your country man, repel the barbarian invader!

By the way, the old "kids out of child poverty" canard was first promised in 1993 by a certain regime's Red Book.


"Liberals will welcome Canadians who have a "social conscience""

What will it do to people without a "social conscience"? Look, I love a good purging as much as the next guy, but I'll need some help from Mr. Dion: how do you decide if a Canadian citizen has a social conscience or not? Do people lacking in a social conscience get described as socio-sociopaths in the psychiatry fields? Is Alberta a province of socio-sociopaths?

The media have done nothing with the Auditor General’s report and barely mentioned Chapter 5 which not only details how a bid contest was fudged in favor of the incumbent but also how soldiers, RCMP officers and federal government workers generally have been screwed out of money by paying for services for which they never should have paid. Following is my attempt to kick it up a notch.

(a phone is ringing. A woman picks up the received while dabbing tears away from her cheeks.)

Wendy: Hello?
Lisa (with neon chirpiness): Is this Mrs. Marc Galbraith?
Wendy: Yes.
Lisa: Hi, this is Lisa from Royal Lepage. First, I’m sorry to hear about the passing of Corporal Galbraith.
Wendy: Thank you.
Lisa: Its such a tragedy – such a waste, really. What good was he doing in Afghanistan anyway? I’m a Dion gal and I think our troops should be peacekeeping in Norway. Leave Kandahar to the Taliban, I say. What did they ever do to us?
Wendy (over a small burst of tears): My husband wasn’t in Afghanistan.
Lisa: Oh no? Where was he?
Wendy: He died when his Sea King went down in a search & rescue exercise.
Lisa: Oh, that’s not so bad then.
Wendy: Why are you calling?
Lisa: Well, its in reference to your move from Petawawa to Cold Lake last year.
Wendy: Uh-huh?
Lisa: Our files show you have an outstanding balance of $4,320 for relocation services.
Wendy: But the DoD said they took care of everything.
Lisa (with a giggle): Oopsies. They probably said that before they signed the final contract with us. See, we told them they would pay $0 for helping soldiers to rent their houses in the towns they were leaving. But somebody has to pay for those services. If it isn’t the DoD, then its you.
Wendy: I can’t believe this. Marc never said anything.
Lisa: Yes, well, the tricky part, Mrs. Galbraith, is that the balance is past due and we have to start charging interest. If you can make the payment in the next 30 days, we will waive any interest owed to us as a gesture of gratitude for your husband’s non-Afghanistan service to the country.
Wendy: Is this a sick joke?
Lisa: Afraid not, ma’am. If you cannot close this balance in 30 days, an 18.8% interest rate will apply.
Wendy: I can’t believe this!
Lisa: And thank you for using Royal Lepage.
Wendy: We didn’t have a choice!!!

Stephane Dion deserves hearty congratulations for his exciting defeat of the Liberal party establishment. Ex-Cabmins and most of the current caucus were told by their grass roots to shove it with their glamour candidates. Scott Brison demonstrated once again: wherever he goes, losing follows. David Orchard has finally gained a foothold in the heart of a national party. While this terrifies me like the thought of being caught in a tunnel at the height of a zombie invasion, I am confident Stephan Dion will "pull a Bono" on David Orchard and force the raving alfalfa farmer into Elizabeth May's group where he belongs.

Jean Chretien was the most obvious leader in the bunch, sending a crowd of Liberal-thongs and condoms into a tizzy with a good ol' partisan blow-out. Except then he has to go and make everyone uncomfortable talking China up. Mr. Chretien spends so much time in China, he makes Maurice Strong look like a tourist there. And Mr. Chretien himself is surely the best of example of how successful PM Chretien's trade missions to China were for Canadians like Mr. Chretien.

Hand this to Chretien: he flies in from China where he's making fortune, and issues a "made-in-China's-politburo" protocol for Canada to follow. That takes some courage, doubly so when you carry the stink of a few scandals wherever you go. And it could have been worse, Chretien didn't push the Chretien/Coyne line on Quebec: set up a sponsorship program to sell the nation of Canada in Quebec.

Sun Tzu recommends putting yourself in your enemy's position and figuring out what the most advantageous move for him would be. So, Chuckercanuck has done exactly that. I have slipped the Moody Blues into the CD player, cooked up a stir-fry of fair-trade tofu and organic butternut squash and made a list of 50 things the government should be doing for me that alas, I'm doing for myself. Ahhhhh. I am a Liberal. And in this spirit, I provide my fellow Liberals with a ranking of their potential leaders from least electable to most electable.

8. Michael Ignatieff
This summer, I thought, "did he just say civil war in Canada? Preposterous!" But after 9 months of the guy, I can say without a doubt: if anyone could trigger a civil war in Canada, its Michael Ignatieff. Steer clear, friends.

7. Scott Brison
One positive: in the course of this leadership campaign, Scott Brison has triggerd 0 RCMP investigations. Mazeltov!

6. Martha Hall Findlay
Its terribly stale to say that Martha Who-Who is a fresh face. Maybe 9 months ago. But at the end of the thing, all I can think of is her campaign bus and wonder, a la Patsy Cline, "Is that all there is?"

5. Bob Rae
In his quest to prove he is a changed man who would never borrow gobs of money and spend recklessly, he has borrowed gobs of money and spent reckless (almost twice as much as the next guy - and they're all spend-happy Liberals!).

4. Gerard Kennedy
Wrong country, fella. Wrong nation, too.

3. Joe Volpe
Okay - Liberals don't trust Italian-Canadians. That much is clear: the bogus fine imposed on Mr. Volpe the eve of the delegates selection meetings killed the Volpe steamroller. Too bad - he has, unquestionably, the best hair of the bunch.

2. Stephane Dion
The guy with more cabinet experience than anyone can't get a cabinet minister to back him. That's a damning non-endorsement. But he's had the best campaign and normally, the best campaign produces the winner.

1. Ken Dryden
Let's see here. Hockey Legend. Classic Liberal Vision. Big, thoughtful, honest brain. One Dale Carnegie Course from making sense when he talks. Yet he has zilch of a chance to win. The mind boggles.