Monday, October 30, 2006
Scary, scary Canada with update
Happy Hollowe'en fellow Canucks,
I have looked into the possible futures we have and brought back a few of the scariest ones for you to enjoy this Hollowe'en. Remember: you can make the difference.
Top Ten Scary Things that Could Happen To Canada
10. One day, not a drop of transfats will be found in any doughnut or french fry from coast to coast to coast.
9. Ken Dryden will filibuster in parliament starting next spring. He'll finish up in 2011.
8. A secret cabal of Trekkies will takeover the constitutional wranglings. In the end, we will re-name ourselves "Sector 4G of the Klingon Empire".
7. Civil war ensues when a rebel group of Trekkies dispute whether the Klingons are en empire or a absolute monarchy.
6. No longer funny, the CBC decides to cast Rick Mercer as the romantic lead in all future historical dramas it produces, beginning with his playing the title role in "Pit Pony 2".
5. Canada stumbles into a trade war with a newly united Ireland - depriving the nation of irish whiskey and forcing us to drink boggishly charming scotch.
4. In an effort to show just how distinct we are, Quebec mandates that all citizens must wear costumes on Hollowe'en. But no costume can make any reference to war.
3. As a result of global warming, 60 million people will move to the Hudson and James Bays. A new, quite excellent, wine region will blossom.
2. The PMO will lose its iron grip on the Blogging Tories who consequently go off message. Canadians learn that these bloggers are twisted, small-minded minions of Darth W who will stop at nothing to make their Halliburton masters rich.
1. Iggy will come anywhere near the reigns of power, even cabinet.
I hope you didn't have to cover your eyes as you read this.
update: okay, no real update. but this post missed the BT aggregator and I'm trying to see if it will aggregate this updated version. Its all about traffic for me.
I have looked into the possible futures we have and brought back a few of the scariest ones for you to enjoy this Hollowe'en. Remember: you can make the difference.
Top Ten Scary Things that Could Happen To Canada
10. One day, not a drop of transfats will be found in any doughnut or french fry from coast to coast to coast.
9. Ken Dryden will filibuster in parliament starting next spring. He'll finish up in 2011.
8. A secret cabal of Trekkies will takeover the constitutional wranglings. In the end, we will re-name ourselves "Sector 4G of the Klingon Empire".
7. Civil war ensues when a rebel group of Trekkies dispute whether the Klingons are en empire or a absolute monarchy.
6. No longer funny, the CBC decides to cast Rick Mercer as the romantic lead in all future historical dramas it produces, beginning with his playing the title role in "Pit Pony 2".
5. Canada stumbles into a trade war with a newly united Ireland - depriving the nation of irish whiskey and forcing us to drink boggishly charming scotch.
4. In an effort to show just how distinct we are, Quebec mandates that all citizens must wear costumes on Hollowe'en. But no costume can make any reference to war.
3. As a result of global warming, 60 million people will move to the Hudson and James Bays. A new, quite excellent, wine region will blossom.
2. The PMO will lose its iron grip on the Blogging Tories who consequently go off message. Canadians learn that these bloggers are twisted, small-minded minions of Darth W who will stop at nothing to make their Halliburton masters rich.
1. Iggy will come anywhere near the reigns of power, even cabinet.
I hope you didn't have to cover your eyes as you read this.
update: okay, no real update. but this post missed the BT aggregator and I'm trying to see if it will aggregate this updated version. Its all about traffic for me.
Yes, but does the PM use the n-word?
Paul Wells asks an interesting question – why, in the midst of this storm over Quebec’s status – has no one in Quebec’s punditocracy bothered with what Stephen Harper thinks of the issue. He is, after all, the Prime Minister whereas the Liberal leadership hopefuls are, just that, hopefuls. Mr. Wells floats his own theories which are fun to ponder then he asks if anyone else has any ideas. My suggestion:
First, there are some Quebec’s pundits who think using the N-word was as clever as Kim Jong Il’s nuclear bomb testing: examples, Lysianne Gagnon from La Presse and virtually everyone in the Gazette, except token separatist, Josee Legault. So, its not exactly the universality of opinion that Liza Frulla wants us to believe.
Quebec’s pundits, by and large, make Lawrence Martin sound grounded and impartial. They indulge in a 24/7 fantasy-fest where they wax indignant over every microscopic slight to Quebec from any source, no matter how inconsequential. In fact, were it not for Iggy’s Liberal use of the n-word, the tabloids and broadsheets of Quebec would still be fuming over Jan Wong’s Dawson College shooting remarks. The n-word is pure escapism – escape from the crumbling infrastructure of the Quebec model: we tax too much, owe too much, regulate too much, work too little, immigrate too few, self-examine never – we busy ourselves with the n-word like 6.5 million Neros fiddling while the whole thing burns. (Actually, 6.5 million of us don’t give a rat’s ass about this question – it’s the baker’s dozen that make up our sorry intelligentsia that find the question enthralling).
The PM has already engaged this question last St-Jean-de-Baptiste. His answer: divisive semantics are not his bag of tricks. So the media avoids asking him the question because he’ll poop the party and ask that everyone return to you know, the real problems of the nation – oops, I mean country. Or do I mean territorial entity? Or should we just use the old stand-by, dominion?
First, there are some Quebec’s pundits who think using the N-word was as clever as Kim Jong Il’s nuclear bomb testing: examples, Lysianne Gagnon from La Presse and virtually everyone in the Gazette, except token separatist, Josee Legault. So, its not exactly the universality of opinion that Liza Frulla wants us to believe.
Quebec’s pundits, by and large, make Lawrence Martin sound grounded and impartial. They indulge in a 24/7 fantasy-fest where they wax indignant over every microscopic slight to Quebec from any source, no matter how inconsequential. In fact, were it not for Iggy’s Liberal use of the n-word, the tabloids and broadsheets of Quebec would still be fuming over Jan Wong’s Dawson College shooting remarks. The n-word is pure escapism – escape from the crumbling infrastructure of the Quebec model: we tax too much, owe too much, regulate too much, work too little, immigrate too few, self-examine never – we busy ourselves with the n-word like 6.5 million Neros fiddling while the whole thing burns. (Actually, 6.5 million of us don’t give a rat’s ass about this question – it’s the baker’s dozen that make up our sorry intelligentsia that find the question enthralling).
The PM has already engaged this question last St-Jean-de-Baptiste. His answer: divisive semantics are not his bag of tricks. So the media avoids asking him the question because he’ll poop the party and ask that everyone return to you know, the real problems of the nation – oops, I mean country. Or do I mean territorial entity? Or should we just use the old stand-by, dominion?
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Everyone Should Own Yanni Live
Adult Contemporary is a marketing subdivision of the pop culture world that until recently, I knew little about. My only exposure to it came when John Tesh quit his anchor position with Entertainment Tonight to pursue his muzak. A CD was rushed out for the holiday shopping season and I heard one man, a lanky freak in the Alexis Nihon shopping centre, ask an HMV clerk to help find it for him. I snickered thinking of someone hurrying home to slip John Tesh "stuff" into the CD player. I young and cool - er, cool enough.
Now, with life's important plays behind me and only the long wait for its pathetic conclusion left, my gut and hairline have made it a little harder to play cool. Actually, my hairline is fine - the barrier to cool are the new hairlines I am growing in ripe maturity: suddenly my barber is going into places I never imagined necessary as an 18 year old with buzz cut. "Not so cool" is a nice place to be and as you stumble across old friends from those younger days, you find they are not so cool anymore too. (She used to be untouchably cooler than you in high school, but here you are talking about growing tomatoes and mulching.)
Recently, uncool and exhausted of Radiohead's heroin-chic wailing, I had a close encounter with adult contemporary music as I slip into the that marketing segment's target demographic. "Yanni Live", a concert performance by Yanni and his orchestra in some anonymous American arena, has joined my peronal DVD library of 1.
I doubt I'll ever whistle a Yanni tune or swap Beethoven sheet music for his. But, if I ever make a movie in which I play a barbarian riding a horse with my sword above my head ready for the fight and a red setting sun as a backdrop, let me ride to the music of Yanni. And is that so wrong? Shouldn't we all feel like unstoppable barbarians every now and then?
Touring the neglected urban cracks of America, Yanni's concerts are mind-boggling spectacles at civilized decibels. Lasers zap around, dry ice smokes the stage, spotlights jump from soloist to soloist as the orchestra does its best imitation of the lost tribe that looked after King Kong out there in the Pacific.
Most importantly, the cameras at the concert look frequently out on the crowds - the arena is full, 20,000 people paid at least $30 for the experience. Yanni rakes in $600,000 a night. And probably works 100 a per year - I have no idea what his costs are and will not be linking an excel spreadsheet to this blog where I guestimate it. I just know the kind of bacon Yanni brings home is found on godzilla-sized pigs. And his audience weeps, trembles and faints with inspiration. The men reach out to borrow his aura, the women mentally undress the whole lot up on stage, even the chunky harpist. Music has touched their lives in a way that "Die Moldau" or "The Wall" could never - for that feat alone, Yanni deserves his success.
In conclusion, everyone should own Yanni Live. It will change your life - if by the end of that concert, you do not see a world of opportunities open up before you, then you have serious problems.
Now, with life's important plays behind me and only the long wait for its pathetic conclusion left, my gut and hairline have made it a little harder to play cool. Actually, my hairline is fine - the barrier to cool are the new hairlines I am growing in ripe maturity: suddenly my barber is going into places I never imagined necessary as an 18 year old with buzz cut. "Not so cool" is a nice place to be and as you stumble across old friends from those younger days, you find they are not so cool anymore too. (She used to be untouchably cooler than you in high school, but here you are talking about growing tomatoes and mulching.)
Recently, uncool and exhausted of Radiohead's heroin-chic wailing, I had a close encounter with adult contemporary music as I slip into the that marketing segment's target demographic. "Yanni Live", a concert performance by Yanni and his orchestra in some anonymous American arena, has joined my peronal DVD library of 1.
I doubt I'll ever whistle a Yanni tune or swap Beethoven sheet music for his. But, if I ever make a movie in which I play a barbarian riding a horse with my sword above my head ready for the fight and a red setting sun as a backdrop, let me ride to the music of Yanni. And is that so wrong? Shouldn't we all feel like unstoppable barbarians every now and then?
Touring the neglected urban cracks of America, Yanni's concerts are mind-boggling spectacles at civilized decibels. Lasers zap around, dry ice smokes the stage, spotlights jump from soloist to soloist as the orchestra does its best imitation of the lost tribe that looked after King Kong out there in the Pacific.
Most importantly, the cameras at the concert look frequently out on the crowds - the arena is full, 20,000 people paid at least $30 for the experience. Yanni rakes in $600,000 a night. And probably works 100 a per year - I have no idea what his costs are and will not be linking an excel spreadsheet to this blog where I guestimate it. I just know the kind of bacon Yanni brings home is found on godzilla-sized pigs. And his audience weeps, trembles and faints with inspiration. The men reach out to borrow his aura, the women mentally undress the whole lot up on stage, even the chunky harpist. Music has touched their lives in a way that "Die Moldau" or "The Wall" could never - for that feat alone, Yanni deserves his success.
In conclusion, everyone should own Yanni Live. It will change your life - if by the end of that concert, you do not see a world of opportunities open up before you, then you have serious problems.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Indispensible, That's What You Are
The Prime Minister sounded like Nat King Cole today when asked to comment on Iggy's quest to beknight Quebec as a nation. His answer came on the beat, calm and controlled; reminding us that there are still some chickens with their heads on in national politics (oops, I don't know what I mean by national politics anymore, is that actually provincial politics now?). Anyway, to the PMs answer: Quebec is an indispensible part of Canada, PM Harper answered as his only reaction to the debate.
Recall, it was his elegant duck at a similar question on St. Johnny Baptists day that sent the Liberal party into a psychedellic existential quest up the river Quai or something. Here again, the Prime Minister steps around a question designed to drip acid on the bonds of confederacy. ($10 says Iggy calls Quebec "dispensible" by Monday morning.)
Every other leadership contender had a chance to respond to this issue before the Prime Minister spoke. Stephane Dion, notably, wrote a pretty good piece in the National Post that demolished the veneer of thought painted onto Iggy's proposal. But still, it took 700 words and read like minutes to a meeting between Microsoft programmers. The Prime Minister gets the job done in a single sentence and no one, at the end of the week, stacks up to him.
Recall, it was his elegant duck at a similar question on St. Johnny Baptists day that sent the Liberal party into a psychedellic existential quest up the river Quai or something. Here again, the Prime Minister steps around a question designed to drip acid on the bonds of confederacy. ($10 says Iggy calls Quebec "dispensible" by Monday morning.)
Every other leadership contender had a chance to respond to this issue before the Prime Minister spoke. Stephane Dion, notably, wrote a pretty good piece in the National Post that demolished the veneer of thought painted onto Iggy's proposal. But still, it took 700 words and read like minutes to a meeting between Microsoft programmers. The Prime Minister gets the job done in a single sentence and no one, at the end of the week, stacks up to him.
Trudeau Smack-Down
On Canada AM yesterday, Justin Trudeau rejected the idea of calling Quebec a nation –to him, the unproductive debate has been pulled out of a jelly mold from one of those zany salads people made when the BeeGees were the koolest kats in town.
Almost immediately, David Peterson, a Liberal Ontario heavy and integral part of the Iggy campaign, issues a gentle tongue lashing to Mr. Trudeau. The Gazette carried the rebuke in which Mr. Peterson questioned whether Trudeau knew what he was talking about. You see, Peterson and Iggy have studied the issue intensely. Justin Trudeau did not ponder Quebec’s Nation status in the dust and crust of Oxford or in the rich-kid playground of Harvard; so really, his opinion has no merit.
Justin Trudeau, like Chuckercanuck, has lived the question his entire life. I realize that to woozy academics, living something does not mean knowing something, but to brick-brained bumpkins like me, it seems like we should have some insight. Worse still, I haven’t discussed the status of Quebec over cocktails with Margeret Atwood and John Ralston Saul – has Justin? If not, then he’s even less qualified to talk about the issue than Mr. Peterson suggested.
To my peeps and homies in the Anglo Ghetto of Quebec: this poisonous and polarizing debate is brought to you by your friends in the Liberal Party. Not even separatists have managed to question our place in Quebec society with the vicious skill of the Liberal Party. If the clutch of ridings controlled by anglo Quebeckers continues to prop up the Liberal Party of Quebec, then we have no one to blame but ourselves when PM Iggy adopts drastic measures to avoid that civil war he’s always worrying about.
To the Prime Minister: this morning Bernard Landry has asked you to wade into the debate. Before you do, please swing by this site as your most loyal Quebec Harpermaniac has some advice he’ll share tonight.
Almost immediately, David Peterson, a Liberal Ontario heavy and integral part of the Iggy campaign, issues a gentle tongue lashing to Mr. Trudeau. The Gazette carried the rebuke in which Mr. Peterson questioned whether Trudeau knew what he was talking about. You see, Peterson and Iggy have studied the issue intensely. Justin Trudeau did not ponder Quebec’s Nation status in the dust and crust of Oxford or in the rich-kid playground of Harvard; so really, his opinion has no merit.
Justin Trudeau, like Chuckercanuck, has lived the question his entire life. I realize that to woozy academics, living something does not mean knowing something, but to brick-brained bumpkins like me, it seems like we should have some insight. Worse still, I haven’t discussed the status of Quebec over cocktails with Margeret Atwood and John Ralston Saul – has Justin? If not, then he’s even less qualified to talk about the issue than Mr. Peterson suggested.
To my peeps and homies in the Anglo Ghetto of Quebec: this poisonous and polarizing debate is brought to you by your friends in the Liberal Party. Not even separatists have managed to question our place in Quebec society with the vicious skill of the Liberal Party. If the clutch of ridings controlled by anglo Quebeckers continues to prop up the Liberal Party of Quebec, then we have no one to blame but ourselves when PM Iggy adopts drastic measures to avoid that civil war he’s always worrying about.
To the Prime Minister: this morning Bernard Landry has asked you to wade into the debate. Before you do, please swing by this site as your most loyal Quebec Harpermaniac has some advice he’ll share tonight.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Mon Pays, C'est L'Hiver
Since the Liberal Party of Canada looks set to foist constitutional engineering on us as the major issue of the nation (only after the emancipation of Belinda Stronach, of course), I thought I would propose the amending clause that would finally make me feel comfortable as a Canadian.
Vermont is my escape.
Montreal is my nation.
Quebec is my homeland.
La Monteregie is my principality.
Canada is my state.
Happiness is my state of mind.
Serbia is my "I wouldn't live there if you handed my a million dollars".
Mars is my origin, my wife is from Venus.
Calgary is my home away from home.
Newfoundland is God's Country.
The Dorion/Rigaud commuter train is my prison.
If we can get the country to sign off on that, then I think, just maybe, Canada will make it afterall.
Vermont is my escape.
Montreal is my nation.
Quebec is my homeland.
La Monteregie is my principality.
Canada is my state.
Happiness is my state of mind.
Serbia is my "I wouldn't live there if you handed my a million dollars".
Mars is my origin, my wife is from Venus.
Calgary is my home away from home.
Newfoundland is God's Country.
The Dorion/Rigaud commuter train is my prison.
If we can get the country to sign off on that, then I think, just maybe, Canada will make it afterall.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
2050
This happens to be post 300 for old Chuckercanuck. Even a fanatical propagandist genetically programmed by the most ingenious dogmatists/scientists can't help but get a little weepy over that milestone. And heck, I guess since tears were rolling and shoulders shaking, I just got to thinking about that other sore number we've been talking about, 2050.
In 2050, Chuckercanuck will be 76 years old. The Missus will be 36 year old - well, not the current missus, she'll be 75 years old. Sorry, bad joke. Pretend you didn't hear that. Rainbow will be 48, SkyPipper will be 46 years old.
Question is, do I give a dingle-dang what the world looks like in 2050? Of course I don't. Then, I'm close to death, moping across our four and half on Cote-Des-Neiges. Maybe I'm glowing red in some global winter - hey, when your time's up, game over.
As for the girls, remember they were home-raised, far from ISO-9000. I know I screwed up Rainbow with that road-trip where we did some bank jobs in Ontario. That was bad parenting, I admit. sKyPiper I just stay away from so that she doesn't get some of my bad ways. But ignoring her isn't exactly honky-dory healthy, you know? Point is, I'll be lucky to get two McGill grads out of them, cause they'll be retired to jails before I'm retired from work. Promise me cushy prisons, I suppose.
Forward looking, for me, ends with my next vacation. I can't be bothered with all this "in 10 years" crap. Where's the industry going, a colleague asks. The only answer I can give him is, "well, in this time zone, to lunch. see you later." I have an equivalent for pretty much any other futuristic question.
The only thing I know for sure about 2050 is that we'll be talking to aliens if we have had physical contact with them. Who knows, maybe those aliens have a vacuum-ship that could come and suck up some GHGs from our atmosphere. We could have a global referendum to decide how much to remove to get the optimal temperature for maximum comfort. So you see, things like that make me realize that planning for 2050 make no sense. As my story illsutrates, alien contact could alter things so dramatically that there's no point for anyone, especially government, to be making any long-term plans of any sort.
In 2050, Chuckercanuck will be 76 years old. The Missus will be 36 year old - well, not the current missus, she'll be 75 years old. Sorry, bad joke. Pretend you didn't hear that. Rainbow will be 48, SkyPipper will be 46 years old.
Question is, do I give a dingle-dang what the world looks like in 2050? Of course I don't. Then, I'm close to death, moping across our four and half on Cote-Des-Neiges. Maybe I'm glowing red in some global winter - hey, when your time's up, game over.
As for the girls, remember they were home-raised, far from ISO-9000. I know I screwed up Rainbow with that road-trip where we did some bank jobs in Ontario. That was bad parenting, I admit. sKyPiper I just stay away from so that she doesn't get some of my bad ways. But ignoring her isn't exactly honky-dory healthy, you know? Point is, I'll be lucky to get two McGill grads out of them, cause they'll be retired to jails before I'm retired from work. Promise me cushy prisons, I suppose.
Forward looking, for me, ends with my next vacation. I can't be bothered with all this "in 10 years" crap. Where's the industry going, a colleague asks. The only answer I can give him is, "well, in this time zone, to lunch. see you later." I have an equivalent for pretty much any other futuristic question.
The only thing I know for sure about 2050 is that we'll be talking to aliens if we have had physical contact with them. Who knows, maybe those aliens have a vacuum-ship that could come and suck up some GHGs from our atmosphere. We could have a global referendum to decide how much to remove to get the optimal temperature for maximum comfort. So you see, things like that make me realize that planning for 2050 make no sense. As my story illsutrates, alien contact could alter things so dramatically that there's no point for anyone, especially government, to be making any long-term plans of any sort.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Barbarian Hordes of Progressivism
Moderator: And now, let's hear opening statements from Stephane Dion.
Dion: Thank you very m-
Crowd: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Dion: I would like to talk ab -
Crowd: Hiss! Hiss!
Dion: My first topic will be -
Crowd: Shame! Shame!
Moderator: Okay, time's up. Let's try Bob Rae.
Rae: Thank y-
Crowd: Boo! Boo! Loser!
Rae: But I haven't even -
Crowd: Shame! Shame! Shame!
Rae: Can't I just talk about the -
Crowd: Rae! Rae! Go away!
Moderator: Next statement from Gerard Kennedy.
Crowd: Shut up! Sit Down! Open your trap, we all get clap!
Kennedy: Bonjour, mes amis -
Crowd: On the bench! You don't speak french!
Kennedy: Infratructure is very imp-
Crowd: Torture! This is torture!
Kennedy: So you guys should like it then -
Crowd: Shame! Shame! Boo! Hiss!
Moderator: Mr. Ignatieff?
Iggy: I speak for those who say "Quebec is my nation, Canada is my country."
Crowd: Hooray!
Iggy: If Quebec is your province, and Canada is your country; well, shove it!
Crowd: Hooray!
Iggy: If Montreal is your nation and Canada is your country; well, stuff it!
Crowd: Hooray for the King! Long live the King!
Iggy: If the socio-politico-anthropological status of your most local jurisdiction is a semantic mud pile, then I say: sometimes, to fight evil, you've got to do evil.
Crowd suddenly becomes confused. This isn't exactly a line they were raised to cheer. Obviously, they figure, they misunderstood the great sage.
Iggy: If Quebec is your nation, then I say: Israel commits war crimes!
Crowd (returns to its delirious heights): Huzzah for the Prince! All hail Wazir Ignatieff!
Iggy: Duceppe says we'll have a Quebec nation by 2015. I say, we'll have it by 2009. Are you with me?
The crowd erupts into wild cackles of delight. Pitchforks are launched at Bob Rae and Stephane Dion. Later than night, both men are burned in effigy by the 4 card-carrying members of the Liberal Party of Canada, Quebec Wing.
Dion: Thank you very m-
Crowd: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Dion: I would like to talk ab -
Crowd: Hiss! Hiss!
Dion: My first topic will be -
Crowd: Shame! Shame!
Moderator: Okay, time's up. Let's try Bob Rae.
Rae: Thank y-
Crowd: Boo! Boo! Loser!
Rae: But I haven't even -
Crowd: Shame! Shame! Shame!
Rae: Can't I just talk about the -
Crowd: Rae! Rae! Go away!
Moderator: Next statement from Gerard Kennedy.
Crowd: Shut up! Sit Down! Open your trap, we all get clap!
Kennedy: Bonjour, mes amis -
Crowd: On the bench! You don't speak french!
Kennedy: Infratructure is very imp-
Crowd: Torture! This is torture!
Kennedy: So you guys should like it then -
Crowd: Shame! Shame! Boo! Hiss!
Moderator: Mr. Ignatieff?
Iggy: I speak for those who say "Quebec is my nation, Canada is my country."
Crowd: Hooray!
Iggy: If Quebec is your province, and Canada is your country; well, shove it!
Crowd: Hooray!
Iggy: If Montreal is your nation and Canada is your country; well, stuff it!
Crowd: Hooray for the King! Long live the King!
Iggy: If the socio-politico-anthropological status of your most local jurisdiction is a semantic mud pile, then I say: sometimes, to fight evil, you've got to do evil.
Crowd suddenly becomes confused. This isn't exactly a line they were raised to cheer. Obviously, they figure, they misunderstood the great sage.
Iggy: If Quebec is your nation, then I say: Israel commits war crimes!
Crowd (returns to its delirious heights): Huzzah for the Prince! All hail Wazir Ignatieff!
Iggy: Duceppe says we'll have a Quebec nation by 2015. I say, we'll have it by 2009. Are you with me?
The crowd erupts into wild cackles of delight. Pitchforks are launched at Bob Rae and Stephane Dion. Later than night, both men are burned in effigy by the 4 card-carrying members of the Liberal Party of Canada, Quebec Wing.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Where's the Beef?
Jack Layton has swooped in, like a modern day Zorro, to save Belinda Stronach - and by the miracle of iconography, all women - from the drool and sneers of General Harpetistas corrupt and corpulent men. "Resign" he calls from the ballroom chandelier as he points his laser-edged epee at the Foreign Minister and one time lover of Belinda Stronach. Like the Liberals, the NDP all but announced Armegeddon and named Stephen Harper as its harbinger, in the immediate wake of the Clean Air Act. Still like the Liberals, they hopped to a much hotter potato as soon as it presented itself: a dork-brained he-said-he-said circus. Now, don't call me a man-hater just because I said the extremely offensive "dork-brained" - wait, er, hold on I just figured out how to save the planet:
We get all MPs to shack up a la Temptation Island or Paradise Hotel and then they work together after the week on the island. Since 99% of business will be about she-said-he-said-they-said-she-and-he-said -- all problems in the world suddenly cease. World Peace, Mr. MacKay, requires that you call every single opposition MP a dog as regularly as possible. For the sake of the children, Mr. MacKay, do it. Get every politician in every country to swap spouses and such, creating enough sexy turmoil for all of us to ignore everything else.
At least we had Elizabeth May playing opposition spokesperson on Question Period this afternoon. The Clean Air Act is a catastrophe and maybe even unconstitutional, she said. Fine, fine stuff - or fine veneer - there's nothing underneath the quips, sadly. Exceptthat we are breaking international law by breaking Kyoto commitments. International Criminals - that's pretty dramatic. Paging Iggy - the only way to top this is to somehow link Kyoto to war crimes. Don't ask me how - you're the expert with that stuff. So, Elizabeth May's most empassioned plea for the Kyoto accord was the international law stuff. If she felt even a smidgeon like that, why would she have supported Paul Martin in the last election, a man fundamentally responsible for committing this international crime? Worse - there's something troubling about results-blind plans where the incentive is simply proving we can make and keep plans regardless of how silly the plans are. So, even though Elizabeth May got the right topic, she smelled too much of red herring to add to the debate.
Perhaps there's too much tofu in opposition diets so they've forgotten what the real deal looks like - this week, they sure have the wrong beefs.
We get all MPs to shack up a la Temptation Island or Paradise Hotel and then they work together after the week on the island. Since 99% of business will be about she-said-he-said-they-said-she-and-he-said -- all problems in the world suddenly cease. World Peace, Mr. MacKay, requires that you call every single opposition MP a dog as regularly as possible. For the sake of the children, Mr. MacKay, do it. Get every politician in every country to swap spouses and such, creating enough sexy turmoil for all of us to ignore everything else.
At least we had Elizabeth May playing opposition spokesperson on Question Period this afternoon. The Clean Air Act is a catastrophe and maybe even unconstitutional, she said. Fine, fine stuff - or fine veneer - there's nothing underneath the quips, sadly. Exceptthat we are breaking international law by breaking Kyoto commitments. International Criminals - that's pretty dramatic. Paging Iggy - the only way to top this is to somehow link Kyoto to war crimes. Don't ask me how - you're the expert with that stuff. So, Elizabeth May's most empassioned plea for the Kyoto accord was the international law stuff. If she felt even a smidgeon like that, why would she have supported Paul Martin in the last election, a man fundamentally responsible for committing this international crime? Worse - there's something troubling about results-blind plans where the incentive is simply proving we can make and keep plans regardless of how silly the plans are. So, even though Elizabeth May got the right topic, she smelled too much of red herring to add to the debate.
Perhaps there's too much tofu in opposition diets so they've forgotten what the real deal looks like - this week, they sure have the wrong beefs.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Belinda & Blogging Tories
Wow. Somewhere, maybe in Stephen Taylor's computer room, there is a mad scientist screaming "its alive!" as the Blogging Tory monster marches off onto its own rampage through the countryside. The news media have suddenly decided that what a band of bathrobed basement nerds wearing winter socks year round blog about is hot news. Imagine, if instead of blogging, the tradition was to mount soapboxes in the town park and rant aloud. The 6 o'clock news anchor says, "Before we give you highlights of the Prime Minister's speech, let's hear what local loudmouth Sam Potter said on top of his chiquita bananas crate next to the ballpark." Are we news? Is this google-journalism?
News indeed. The outrage itself is a little ridiculous. Apparently, Peter MacKay alluded to the fact that Belinda Stronach was a dog. It came after Belinda Stronach's progressively minded and soft-guy-supportive colleagues were taunting Mr. MacKay with the fact that Belinda Stronach dumped him to be with them and all he had was his dog. So you can see why the Liberals are taking such a high road in all of this.
Belinda wants an apology and says it speaks to the chauvinism at the heart of the Tory party. Which means, I guess, the Chretien Liberals were actually Harper Tories: there wasn't an unslapped knee in the Liberal caucus when Minister Doug Young referred to Deb Grey as "more than a slab of bacon talking". So, maybe this should make her rethink party loyalties, because the Chretienites are but one mouth-foot away from getting back in the saddle. Elizabeth May: give Belinda a call!
Yesterday, her colleague, Pablo Rodriguez asked, "what has Stephen Harper done to the planet?" Today, that problem is eclipsed by what Belinda Stronach's ex-boyfriend said about her. The planet's destruction? That can wait. We've got bigger fish to fry at the moment.
News indeed. The outrage itself is a little ridiculous. Apparently, Peter MacKay alluded to the fact that Belinda Stronach was a dog. It came after Belinda Stronach's progressively minded and soft-guy-supportive colleagues were taunting Mr. MacKay with the fact that Belinda Stronach dumped him to be with them and all he had was his dog. So you can see why the Liberals are taking such a high road in all of this.
Belinda wants an apology and says it speaks to the chauvinism at the heart of the Tory party. Which means, I guess, the Chretien Liberals were actually Harper Tories: there wasn't an unslapped knee in the Liberal caucus when Minister Doug Young referred to Deb Grey as "more than a slab of bacon talking". So, maybe this should make her rethink party loyalties, because the Chretienites are but one mouth-foot away from getting back in the saddle. Elizabeth May: give Belinda a call!
Yesterday, her colleague, Pablo Rodriguez asked, "what has Stephen Harper done to the planet?" Today, that problem is eclipsed by what Belinda Stronach's ex-boyfriend said about her. The planet's destruction? That can wait. We've got bigger fish to fry at the moment.
Interview with a Hystericist
CC: Mr. Hysterical, what do you think of the Clean Air Act?
Mr. H: Its a disaster. An utter failure. Setting a target for 2050 its utter rot!
He should have set short-term targets and forget about the long-term targets. You know, the kind of targets that are impossible to implement and guaranteed to fail, but feel really good.
CC: Yes, I understand that. But don't you think that when you are talking about massive re-engineering of every facet of human activity you should plan along those time line horizons? We do it with our pension systems.
Mr. H.: Damn straight there better be government money in the pot when I'm ready to collect! No. Leadership is about charging into a problem and using trial and error to stumble your way to a solution. Jeez, we could be buying credits in North Korea and hitting Kyoto targets as we speak.
CC: Are you upset with the fact that absolute caps on industry will not be set until 2020?
Mr. H.: Outrageously lazy. Those caps should be set today, effective tomorrow.
CC: But those caps will determine the course of social develop - or social progress - if you will. They will shape the look of Canada for centuries to come. We may have to close down immigration as a result of those caps.
Mr. H.: So you like energy intensity - eh, Bush-lite-ankle-bite?
CC: Hey. I ask the questions. What's wrong with energy intensity? Isn't that paradigm to reducing emissions?
Mr. H.: I don't like it because emissions continue to grow if oil production grows. Those bastards should have a cap on them now.
CC: Off topic, but do you think the world would be safer if Canada supplied the US import needs for oil over the next five decades?
Mr. H.: Yes.
CC: So capping production has implications doesn't it?
Mr. H.: Yeah, pissing off your base and losing a nest of ridings. But you know what? You pissed Quebec off because you killed Kyoto.
CC: Kyotists killed kyoto and kredibility. Quebec likes Kyoto because it didn't have to do much to meet the targets, the agreement was the RoC's problem. Besides, Lucien Bouchard is "discharging his duty" and launching a new saison des idees. Stay tuned.
Mr. H: Its a disaster. An utter failure. Setting a target for 2050 its utter rot!
He should have set short-term targets and forget about the long-term targets. You know, the kind of targets that are impossible to implement and guaranteed to fail, but feel really good.
CC: Yes, I understand that. But don't you think that when you are talking about massive re-engineering of every facet of human activity you should plan along those time line horizons? We do it with our pension systems.
Mr. H.: Damn straight there better be government money in the pot when I'm ready to collect! No. Leadership is about charging into a problem and using trial and error to stumble your way to a solution. Jeez, we could be buying credits in North Korea and hitting Kyoto targets as we speak.
CC: Are you upset with the fact that absolute caps on industry will not be set until 2020?
Mr. H.: Outrageously lazy. Those caps should be set today, effective tomorrow.
CC: But those caps will determine the course of social develop - or social progress - if you will. They will shape the look of Canada for centuries to come. We may have to close down immigration as a result of those caps.
Mr. H.: So you like energy intensity - eh, Bush-lite-ankle-bite?
CC: Hey. I ask the questions. What's wrong with energy intensity? Isn't that paradigm to reducing emissions?
Mr. H.: I don't like it because emissions continue to grow if oil production grows. Those bastards should have a cap on them now.
CC: Off topic, but do you think the world would be safer if Canada supplied the US import needs for oil over the next five decades?
Mr. H.: Yes.
CC: So capping production has implications doesn't it?
Mr. H.: Yeah, pissing off your base and losing a nest of ridings. But you know what? You pissed Quebec off because you killed Kyoto.
CC: Kyotists killed kyoto and kredibility. Quebec likes Kyoto because it didn't have to do much to meet the targets, the agreement was the RoC's problem. Besides, Lucien Bouchard is "discharging his duty" and launching a new saison des idees. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
No, no, its not you - you're great. No, its Us.
Being shipwrecked on an island with Garth Turner, in my mind, would be something out of Enemy Mine, where an Earthling (Dennis Quaid) and Alien (Lou Gossett Jr.) are forced to survive together on a hostile planet.
I am Lou Gossett Jr - I serve up near daily unrelenting, unwavering Tory propaganda. I undulge in personal issues, like the Magic Bullet or the merits of Porky's, only on low traffic days when my mother and sisters constitute 80% of my hits. Garth Turner is Randy Quaid - a dopey cowboy with a big heart lookin' to break all the rules for all the right reasons. Well, maybe dopey is wrong but the quality lies somewhere on the spectrum between pure dumb and pride-dumb. And big heart in this case is actually ego. His worldview approximates Judd Nelson's in the Breakfast club and his blog drips with references to "the establishment" and how the bosses are morons without a clue.
He has a hot, reciprocated passion for the media - mostly because he was willing to feed the general narrative that Stephen Harper was the Darth Vader of Canadian Politics controlled by a withered prune of an emperor from Texas who shoots lightening from his hands. (Even though, oddly, Paul Martin looks alot more like Darth Vader when he takes his helmet off). Garth began this at the outset of the Tory government, when he went beserk over David Emerson exercising MP discretion in the interest of his constituents. A discretion Garth wants to champion now.
The only hope, as far as I can see, is for Garth to undertake some remedial therapy before he returns to caucus. Might I suggest six weeks of Chuckercanuck's daily ritual:
WAKE UP - Gives thanks for being alive and wish the Prime Minister the best success for the day.
BREAKFAST - Eat bran with berries because you heard that's how the Prime Minister likes to start his morning. Read the National Post.
AT WATER COOLER OR LUNCH - Mention to a colleague how impressive the cabinet is. Color it with recent news - Flaherty's fiscal imbalance with the tax payer, for instance.
SUPPER - Enjoy with family. Discuss three wonderful things the Prime Minister did that day. And laugh over recent quips of his.
BEFORE SLEEP - Wish the Prime Minister pleasant dreams.
I am Lou Gossett Jr - I serve up near daily unrelenting, unwavering Tory propaganda. I undulge in personal issues, like the Magic Bullet or the merits of Porky's, only on low traffic days when my mother and sisters constitute 80% of my hits. Garth Turner is Randy Quaid - a dopey cowboy with a big heart lookin' to break all the rules for all the right reasons. Well, maybe dopey is wrong but the quality lies somewhere on the spectrum between pure dumb and pride-dumb. And big heart in this case is actually ego. His worldview approximates Judd Nelson's in the Breakfast club and his blog drips with references to "the establishment" and how the bosses are morons without a clue.
He has a hot, reciprocated passion for the media - mostly because he was willing to feed the general narrative that Stephen Harper was the Darth Vader of Canadian Politics controlled by a withered prune of an emperor from Texas who shoots lightening from his hands. (Even though, oddly, Paul Martin looks alot more like Darth Vader when he takes his helmet off). Garth began this at the outset of the Tory government, when he went beserk over David Emerson exercising MP discretion in the interest of his constituents. A discretion Garth wants to champion now.
The only hope, as far as I can see, is for Garth to undertake some remedial therapy before he returns to caucus. Might I suggest six weeks of Chuckercanuck's daily ritual:
WAKE UP - Gives thanks for being alive and wish the Prime Minister the best success for the day.
BREAKFAST - Eat bran with berries because you heard that's how the Prime Minister likes to start his morning. Read the National Post.
AT WATER COOLER OR LUNCH - Mention to a colleague how impressive the cabinet is. Color it with recent news - Flaherty's fiscal imbalance with the tax payer, for instance.
SUPPER - Enjoy with family. Discuss three wonderful things the Prime Minister did that day. And laugh over recent quips of his.
BEFORE SLEEP - Wish the Prime Minister pleasant dreams.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Yes, More Prisons
Pareto's Law or the 80/20 rule is a pattern found all throughout human activity and nature. Its a pattern of disparity. I'll explain it through examples:
- 80% of the planet's wealth is in 20% of the planet's hands.
- 20% of pea pods generate 80% of the harvestable peas.
- 80% of the work done in your office is by 20% of the people
- 80% of a grocery store's sales are from 20% of its items.
- 80% of pornography consumption comes from 20% of the consumers.
- 80% of prescriptions are for 20% of the diseases/conditions/viruses...
When it was first articulated, in the late 1800s by Vilfredo Pareto, his colleague M.O. Lorenz noticed the same thing happend in crime: 80% of the crimes were committed by 20% of the criminals. Repeat offenders are Energizer bunnies, they keep going and going and going.
The question is with dangerous offenders of this category. At some point of repeat offense, the rapist or murderer's interests have to be put behind society's interest. We have a right to protect ourselves from people committed to our injury or death for the rest of their lives. So, small wonder, this corner welcomes the "three-strikes your out" bill introduce by the Tory government today.
This is not a deterence. Its prolonging the amount of time a dangerous, repeat offender spends in prison vs. on the streets. These ugly chaps commit some horrid violation on a scheduled basis; the longer they are in prison, the fewer brutalities they will inflict on people.
- 80% of the planet's wealth is in 20% of the planet's hands.
- 20% of pea pods generate 80% of the harvestable peas.
- 80% of the work done in your office is by 20% of the people
- 80% of a grocery store's sales are from 20% of its items.
- 80% of pornography consumption comes from 20% of the consumers.
- 80% of prescriptions are for 20% of the diseases/conditions/viruses...
When it was first articulated, in the late 1800s by Vilfredo Pareto, his colleague M.O. Lorenz noticed the same thing happend in crime: 80% of the crimes were committed by 20% of the criminals. Repeat offenders are Energizer bunnies, they keep going and going and going.
The question is with dangerous offenders of this category. At some point of repeat offense, the rapist or murderer's interests have to be put behind society's interest. We have a right to protect ourselves from people committed to our injury or death for the rest of their lives. So, small wonder, this corner welcomes the "three-strikes your out" bill introduce by the Tory government today.
This is not a deterence. Its prolonging the amount of time a dangerous, repeat offender spends in prison vs. on the streets. These ugly chaps commit some horrid violation on a scheduled basis; the longer they are in prison, the fewer brutalities they will inflict on people.
Monday, October 16, 2006
After the debates, in the dressing room
Given scrant thought at first, the organizers of this weekend's Liberal leadership debate assigned Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff the same dressing room. But after the debates, everyone braced for an ugly confrontation...
Bob is washing his face over his sink when Michael storms into the room in a huff.
Mike (flaring eyes): Hey -
Bob (looks up cooly): Hey -
Mike turns his tap on and splash his face. Bob grabs a towel and dries his face off.
Bob (still cool): you did good in there.
Mike explodes: Did good in there? Are you frikkin' kiddin' me? You were horrible!
Bob (shrugs): Hey daddy-o, that's show biz. Don't pretend I've never explained this to you before.
Mike: Spare me the cruddy retail politics crap. That was dirty pool, my friend!
Bob: You asked me the same question first, but on Afghanistan.
Mike: Afghanistan's different. That matters. We don't have a figs influence in the middle east so what we say doesn't matter.
Bob: Afghanistan is different from Lebanon? Is it really, in the end? See Mickey, its just that easy. I ask if they really are different in a probing tone and the audience automatically thinks I have a point. Lebanon, Afghanistan - are these not places where lives can improve? Sri Lanka? the Sudan, Haiti, Ivory Coast. Canada can do something about these places.
Mike: Argh. That's a total walkaround of the point.
Bob: That is my point. By the time I've mentioned four really foreign countries, nobody remembers what the hell were talking about. 40, Team Bob, luv, Iggy.
Mike: Forty years, Bob, you'd throw away 40 years of friendship - of best friendship - probably some of the best friendship since Cossius and Lepides!
Bob: I showed my noodle to a CBC production crew - I think that proves I'll do what it takes.
Mike: Be warned Bob, I have no choice. I'm gonna have to go a little Kim Jong Il on you.
Bob: Take your best shot.
Bob is washing his face over his sink when Michael storms into the room in a huff.
Mike (flaring eyes): Hey -
Bob (looks up cooly): Hey -
Mike turns his tap on and splash his face. Bob grabs a towel and dries his face off.
Bob (still cool): you did good in there.
Mike explodes: Did good in there? Are you frikkin' kiddin' me? You were horrible!
Bob (shrugs): Hey daddy-o, that's show biz. Don't pretend I've never explained this to you before.
Mike: Spare me the cruddy retail politics crap. That was dirty pool, my friend!
Bob: You asked me the same question first, but on Afghanistan.
Mike: Afghanistan's different. That matters. We don't have a figs influence in the middle east so what we say doesn't matter.
Bob: Afghanistan is different from Lebanon? Is it really, in the end? See Mickey, its just that easy. I ask if they really are different in a probing tone and the audience automatically thinks I have a point. Lebanon, Afghanistan - are these not places where lives can improve? Sri Lanka? the Sudan, Haiti, Ivory Coast. Canada can do something about these places.
Mike: Argh. That's a total walkaround of the point.
Bob: That is my point. By the time I've mentioned four really foreign countries, nobody remembers what the hell were talking about. 40, Team Bob, luv, Iggy.
Mike: Forty years, Bob, you'd throw away 40 years of friendship - of best friendship - probably some of the best friendship since Cossius and Lepides!
Bob: I showed my noodle to a CBC production crew - I think that proves I'll do what it takes.
Mike: Be warned Bob, I have no choice. I'm gonna have to go a little Kim Jong Il on you.
Bob: Take your best shot.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Time for China to take it on the Chin
Dear China,
Don't roll over me with one of your tanks for saying so and note that my liver wouldn't fetch you much on your black market but to quote U2: you've got to get yourself together. In the good ol' days when Canada didn't give a crap about foreign affairs, our Prime Minister was happy to play chinaman on a bike scooting through Bejing. But times have changed and the new guy in charge is not likely to be caught on a stationary bike, let alone a moving one.
Maybe Kim Jong Il is wacky uncle Abe to you - the funny guy always asking your children to pull his finger. But it seems his farts have gone from innocent stink-clouds to the less hilarious nuclear holocaust variety. Sure, its always good to have a neighbour you can point to and say, "look fellow citizens, at least you aren't starving to death like they do next door" but things have gotten madly out of control.
What point is there to having sanctions if you refuse to enforce them? Do you think that we all eat lead or bath in mercury? Chuckercanuck, for one, is no longer satisfied pretending you are a member of the international community in good standing. In coddling Kim Jong Il, you have become Kim Jong Il. He is the bad cop to your phony, barely prime-time police drama good cop.
So without further ado, China, Chuckercanuck is now undertaking the following actions:
1) I will not purchase items made in China as long as Kim Jong Il runs North Korea. I'd sooner wear guatemalan knits like an idiot tree-planter for the rest of my days than slip into khakis that you slapped together.
2) I will continue to eat chinese food, but only the canadianized soy-brown sugar crap. Nothing authentic. Plus, to me, they are freedom rolls, not egg rolls. Freedom buns, not pork buns. General Freedom's chicken - I've never heard of a General Tao.
3) I will urge my country to BOYCOTT the 2008 Olympics. You don't deserve to host them and the IOC should cancel them immediately. You can, in its stead, run a sporting event for "Crazy Countries that Starve their People and Covet Tools of Mass Slaughter". You, North Korea, Iran and Myanmar can get your best athletes together for one rousing competition. Of course, it won't be fair since North Korean athletes have been on a carb-only diet since about 1995.
You may be a billion people, plus or minus a proxy state or two, but you are about to taste the wrath of Chuckercanuck and his global readership. Here us roar.
Don't roll over me with one of your tanks for saying so and note that my liver wouldn't fetch you much on your black market but to quote U2: you've got to get yourself together. In the good ol' days when Canada didn't give a crap about foreign affairs, our Prime Minister was happy to play chinaman on a bike scooting through Bejing. But times have changed and the new guy in charge is not likely to be caught on a stationary bike, let alone a moving one.
Maybe Kim Jong Il is wacky uncle Abe to you - the funny guy always asking your children to pull his finger. But it seems his farts have gone from innocent stink-clouds to the less hilarious nuclear holocaust variety. Sure, its always good to have a neighbour you can point to and say, "look fellow citizens, at least you aren't starving to death like they do next door" but things have gotten madly out of control.
What point is there to having sanctions if you refuse to enforce them? Do you think that we all eat lead or bath in mercury? Chuckercanuck, for one, is no longer satisfied pretending you are a member of the international community in good standing. In coddling Kim Jong Il, you have become Kim Jong Il. He is the bad cop to your phony, barely prime-time police drama good cop.
So without further ado, China, Chuckercanuck is now undertaking the following actions:
1) I will not purchase items made in China as long as Kim Jong Il runs North Korea. I'd sooner wear guatemalan knits like an idiot tree-planter for the rest of my days than slip into khakis that you slapped together.
2) I will continue to eat chinese food, but only the canadianized soy-brown sugar crap. Nothing authentic. Plus, to me, they are freedom rolls, not egg rolls. Freedom buns, not pork buns. General Freedom's chicken - I've never heard of a General Tao.
3) I will urge my country to BOYCOTT the 2008 Olympics. You don't deserve to host them and the IOC should cancel them immediately. You can, in its stead, run a sporting event for "Crazy Countries that Starve their People and Covet Tools of Mass Slaughter". You, North Korea, Iran and Myanmar can get your best athletes together for one rousing competition. Of course, it won't be fair since North Korean athletes have been on a carb-only diet since about 1995.
You may be a billion people, plus or minus a proxy state or two, but you are about to taste the wrath of Chuckercanuck and his global readership. Here us roar.
Friday, October 13, 2006
I am a Friend of the Liberal Party
Sometimes, as I have had to do for about the last 12 years or so, I have had to criticise my friends, the Liberal Party. That's what friends do. So here goes.
Sunday night, Iggy calls Qana a war crime. You of all folks should know, as some of the most vociferous defenders of the ICC, that the term "war crime" is not a flavour of bubble gum or a way to describe the weather. Especially your luminaries who start off by claiming expert authority on the very use of the term "war crime".
The reaction from the other leaders? Well, the only serious contender to react was Bob Rae. The rest were on their own mini-vacations to Hungary and couldn't comment. Bob Rae called called the "war crimes" accusation "unwise". Not untrue. Just "unwise". You know, like how it would be unwise to call Kim Jong Il a fruitcake drowning in brandy sauce to his face. Despite the truth, you bite your tongue.
There were no condemnations or even demands for retraction from the other leadership hopefuls. Just the single tut-tut and it came with a wink. The Prime Minister seems correct - it appears the future leadership of the Liberal party is geared towards an anti-Israel slant or at least being so when conditions are favourable.
If the PM is wrong - then the only reason these Friends of Israel remained silent in the wake of "war crimes" accusations was that you can toss around "war crimes" like they were flyers to an all-night rave. Its a word of wax, molded to the users liking. The ICC, in that view, is a sham: something you announce, throw money at and forget about.
Iggy is off to the middle east next month. Obviously, as a friend, he must tell Israel that it committed war crimes when he is in Israel. Like the PM, I don't think that's helpful to the Middle East situation. But I can't see how he can NOT bring that message to Israel; keeping his true feelings from them is definitely not friendship.
Sunday night, Iggy calls Qana a war crime. You of all folks should know, as some of the most vociferous defenders of the ICC, that the term "war crime" is not a flavour of bubble gum or a way to describe the weather. Especially your luminaries who start off by claiming expert authority on the very use of the term "war crime".
The reaction from the other leaders? Well, the only serious contender to react was Bob Rae. The rest were on their own mini-vacations to Hungary and couldn't comment. Bob Rae called called the "war crimes" accusation "unwise". Not untrue. Just "unwise". You know, like how it would be unwise to call Kim Jong Il a fruitcake drowning in brandy sauce to his face. Despite the truth, you bite your tongue.
There were no condemnations or even demands for retraction from the other leadership hopefuls. Just the single tut-tut and it came with a wink. The Prime Minister seems correct - it appears the future leadership of the Liberal party is geared towards an anti-Israel slant or at least being so when conditions are favourable.
If the PM is wrong - then the only reason these Friends of Israel remained silent in the wake of "war crimes" accusations was that you can toss around "war crimes" like they were flyers to an all-night rave. Its a word of wax, molded to the users liking. The ICC, in that view, is a sham: something you announce, throw money at and forget about.
Iggy is off to the middle east next month. Obviously, as a friend, he must tell Israel that it committed war crimes when he is in Israel. Like the PM, I don't think that's helpful to the Middle East situation. But I can't see how he can NOT bring that message to Israel; keeping his true feelings from them is definitely not friendship.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Hurricane Season Quiet. Kyoto-ists Even Quieter.
Last year, in the devastation of Katrina and the collosal exodus from Houston with Rita bearing down, the big story was how many hurricanes had struck 2005. And the obvious background story to the storms was the possible links between hurricane frequency and size to global warming. This year, with hurricane season limping along at a disquietingly feeble rate, the hystericists have gone quiet. It worries me because it sounds like we only talk about data that fits a model, and drop the inconvenient data under the rug. Let's pretend this season never happened and go back to predicting how many miles per hour global warming contributes to your typical hurricane.
In my attempt to contribute to the science of global warming, I am conducting a thought experiment whose results will be analyzed by the Oil Enthusiastics of Amerika. Thanks to the Global Kapitalist Kartel, plus Halliburton for covertly funding the project.
Please answer the A or B to the following questions:
1 - If the planet was suddenly getting cooler and we found ourselves edging into a new ice age, the correct policy would be:
A - Accept this as the natural cycle, dislocate all people to remaining liveable territory and weather the 10,000 years of toungues glued to lamp posts.
B - Pump out GHGs to create a greenhouse effect, capture heat and counteract the effects of global cooling.
2 - In terms of total effects on human civilization, a large asteroid would be more devastating than global warming, since global warming gives humans a chance to prepare and adapt, whereas a large asteroid will strike instantly, with very little evacuation potential and nasty mid-term effects.
A - True.
B - False.
3 - Even though some form of asteroid defense should one day be contemplated by humanity, in fact presents a compelling case for global cooperation, I adhere to the general principle of not weaponizing space. So I am, on principle, against asteroid defense. If Earth gets struck, so be it.
A - True.
B - False.
Note - I did this because I was tagged. Jason Bo Green tagged me to write a 6 word headline about current events.
In my attempt to contribute to the science of global warming, I am conducting a thought experiment whose results will be analyzed by the Oil Enthusiastics of Amerika. Thanks to the Global Kapitalist Kartel, plus Halliburton for covertly funding the project.
Please answer the A or B to the following questions:
1 - If the planet was suddenly getting cooler and we found ourselves edging into a new ice age, the correct policy would be:
A - Accept this as the natural cycle, dislocate all people to remaining liveable territory and weather the 10,000 years of toungues glued to lamp posts.
B - Pump out GHGs to create a greenhouse effect, capture heat and counteract the effects of global cooling.
2 - In terms of total effects on human civilization, a large asteroid would be more devastating than global warming, since global warming gives humans a chance to prepare and adapt, whereas a large asteroid will strike instantly, with very little evacuation potential and nasty mid-term effects.
A - True.
B - False.
3 - Even though some form of asteroid defense should one day be contemplated by humanity, in fact presents a compelling case for global cooperation, I adhere to the general principle of not weaponizing space. So I am, on principle, against asteroid defense. If Earth gets struck, so be it.
A - True.
B - False.
Note - I did this because I was tagged. Jason Bo Green tagged me to write a 6 word headline about current events.
I'll Tumble With Ya - Israeli War Crimes in the Liberal Party
In my fantasy land, all the Grit contenders hit the airwaves in quick response to Iggy’s charge that Israel committed a war crime in Qana - all of them out to prove there creepy claims to being "friends" of Israel.
Bob Rae
“I prefer discussing delicate issues like this one in the buff. Do you mind?” ...proceeds to drop his trousers as the journalists run screaming.
Stephane Dion
“Obviously, in the civico-sociologico sense of the words, then Qana was a war crime. Not in the legal sense, just in the anthropo-politico sense.”
Ken Dryden
“Canada needs big dreams. Can we do it? Can we? Do I ask too many questions? Do I? But how can we? When?”
Scott Brison
“Iggy is a such a trainwreck. I thank god everyday that Stephen Harper runs this country. Ooops! I don’t really mean that.”
Gerard Kennedy
“My family and I are looking forward to spending the next two months working hard in Quebec. I think I’ll be in a better position to answer the Qana question after my time in Quebec.”
Martha Hall Findlay
"Losing to this professor of dorkbrainia is worse than losing to Belinda. I can't believe he has 30 dofus supporters for each of my supporters."
PS.
The funniest thing about this cock-up is watching the other leadership camps savage Iggy but then tack on: "he'd make an excellent cabinet minister." Minister of What? Foreign Affairs? Yikes, I don't think so. Maybe amateur sport or the status of women. Maybe Minister of Heritage - at least then he could get familiar with what's happened in Canada for the past 30 years. (Sorry, cheap shot).
PPS.
the title is a hat-tip to Jason Bo Green whose post on Iggy and his War Crimes was called: Qana Qana Qana Qana Qana Qameleon.. very funny and so worth another Culture Club reference.
Bob Rae
“I prefer discussing delicate issues like this one in the buff. Do you mind?” ...proceeds to drop his trousers as the journalists run screaming.
Stephane Dion
“Obviously, in the civico-sociologico sense of the words, then Qana was a war crime. Not in the legal sense, just in the anthropo-politico sense.”
Ken Dryden
“Canada needs big dreams. Can we do it? Can we? Do I ask too many questions? Do I? But how can we? When?”
Scott Brison
“Iggy is a such a trainwreck. I thank god everyday that Stephen Harper runs this country. Ooops! I don’t really mean that.”
Gerard Kennedy
“My family and I are looking forward to spending the next two months working hard in Quebec. I think I’ll be in a better position to answer the Qana question after my time in Quebec.”
Martha Hall Findlay
"Losing to this professor of dorkbrainia is worse than losing to Belinda. I can't believe he has 30 dofus supporters for each of my supporters."
PS.
The funniest thing about this cock-up is watching the other leadership camps savage Iggy but then tack on: "he'd make an excellent cabinet minister." Minister of What? Foreign Affairs? Yikes, I don't think so. Maybe amateur sport or the status of women. Maybe Minister of Heritage - at least then he could get familiar with what's happened in Canada for the past 30 years. (Sorry, cheap shot).
PPS.
the title is a hat-tip to Jason Bo Green whose post on Iggy and his War Crimes was called: Qana Qana Qana Qana Qana Qameleon.. very funny and so worth another Culture Club reference.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Next Installment - Tory Takeover of Canadian Film
Long-time visiters to Chuckercanuck know that one of its founding missions is to launch a Tory takeover of Canadian film. It is my firm contention that right-wingers would be able to turn the film industry from art-house suckville, to cash-racking sucker-making machine. Today, I proudly announce a major step in this direction, even though, apparently, no right-winger was involve in the magnificent achievement.
Bon Cop, Bad Cop became the highest-grossing Canadian film in Canada this week.
And what film, preytell, held that title before this week? For decades - Porky's.
Each film a pudding proving the maxims of Tory Filmmaking.
Porky's panders to a thin wedge of male demographic that pay good money for even a glimpse of a big boob bouncing in a bikini. (Throw in DVD rentals and that demographic widens dramatically.) In the first step of developing an industry with a market, Porky's went to market on the principle that you make crap that people want to watch before you make crap that people don't want to watch.
Bon Cop, Bad Cop makes a direct appeal to your patriotism to make a buck, but at least when you head to the theatre, there's the promise of a car chase and blazing guns to lighten up the mood. They promise and deliver something that can be enjoyed with popcorn and whiskey. Bonus: they also respect the fundamental principle of casting good looking people unless the script absolutely, positively requires it.
Currently, our film industry is in the hands of artistic mullahs who dole out the moollah like Kim Jong Il doles out rice. Its not just Canada that needs our movies - as Bono himself said - the world needs more Canada. It is starving for more Porky's, more Good Cop, Bad Cop., we need zombies storming the CN Tower and a vigilante loner tracking down his wife's killers on the Gaspe Peninsula - we need a movie called "First in Space" about how Canada, through its massive oil wealth and R&D, becomes the first nation to launch a manned, deep-space mission. Movies we don't just watch ourselves - but ones we can export. for cash.
This vast untapped natural resource of Canada can only be unplugged by a complete takeover of the film industry by right-wingers. Only we neoKons understand that action, sex and laughs are what put bums in seats and bums in seats means yums in tums for the industry.
Bon Cop, Bad Cop became the highest-grossing Canadian film in Canada this week.
And what film, preytell, held that title before this week? For decades - Porky's.
Each film a pudding proving the maxims of Tory Filmmaking.
Porky's panders to a thin wedge of male demographic that pay good money for even a glimpse of a big boob bouncing in a bikini. (Throw in DVD rentals and that demographic widens dramatically.) In the first step of developing an industry with a market, Porky's went to market on the principle that you make crap that people want to watch before you make crap that people don't want to watch.
Bon Cop, Bad Cop makes a direct appeal to your patriotism to make a buck, but at least when you head to the theatre, there's the promise of a car chase and blazing guns to lighten up the mood. They promise and deliver something that can be enjoyed with popcorn and whiskey. Bonus: they also respect the fundamental principle of casting good looking people unless the script absolutely, positively requires it.
Currently, our film industry is in the hands of artistic mullahs who dole out the moollah like Kim Jong Il doles out rice. Its not just Canada that needs our movies - as Bono himself said - the world needs more Canada. It is starving for more Porky's, more Good Cop, Bad Cop., we need zombies storming the CN Tower and a vigilante loner tracking down his wife's killers on the Gaspe Peninsula - we need a movie called "First in Space" about how Canada, through its massive oil wealth and R&D, becomes the first nation to launch a manned, deep-space mission. Movies we don't just watch ourselves - but ones we can export. for cash.
This vast untapped natural resource of Canada can only be unplugged by a complete takeover of the film industry by right-wingers. Only we neoKons understand that action, sex and laughs are what put bums in seats and bums in seats means yums in tums for the industry.
"War Crimes" says Iggy
The Liberal Party’s reality TV show, “So you think you can Tru-dope?” has taken a fascinating turn this weekend.
Michael Ignatieff, the front-runner, declared the tragedy at Qana this summer an Israeli War Crime. He didn’t go so far as to
call for PM Omert’s arrest, but surely that is only a few weeks away. Otherwise, what the hell does the term “war crime” mean?
Originally, Iggy called Qana the kind of thing that happens in war, something he wasn’t about to lose sleep over. Then, hysterically, he called it the most disturbing international news in 25 years – worse than Rwanda, worse than Bosnia, worse than Saddam’s gassing the Kurds. These less disturbing events barely warrant a shoulder shrug, let alone a little insomnia.
Happily for him, his rapid retraction force quickly corrected the record: when Iggy accused Israel of a war crime, we flea brained citizens got tripped up in the tangle of his nuances. He never meant anything by “war crime” except that the tragedy at Qana was, well, a tragedy. But there’s a thin line between a tangle of nuance and a bushel of bullshit. An academic celebrity whose career is spent mucking about in semantic slivers knows exactly what he means by the words “war crimes”. Any coincidence that the term pops out when he’s talking to francophone Quebec and not addressing a gathering of the CJA?
Not that he’s losing sleep over any of this. No, the only thing that might cause some sleepless nights are the internal polling numbers that tell him he’ll get a 5 point bounce at the convention if he rips a page from Charlie Sheen and suggests the World Trade Centers buildings collapsed in what looked to him like a controlled demolition.
Michael Ignatieff, the front-runner, declared the tragedy at Qana this summer an Israeli War Crime. He didn’t go so far as to
call for PM Omert’s arrest, but surely that is only a few weeks away. Otherwise, what the hell does the term “war crime” mean?
Originally, Iggy called Qana the kind of thing that happens in war, something he wasn’t about to lose sleep over. Then, hysterically, he called it the most disturbing international news in 25 years – worse than Rwanda, worse than Bosnia, worse than Saddam’s gassing the Kurds. These less disturbing events barely warrant a shoulder shrug, let alone a little insomnia.
Happily for him, his rapid retraction force quickly corrected the record: when Iggy accused Israel of a war crime, we flea brained citizens got tripped up in the tangle of his nuances. He never meant anything by “war crime” except that the tragedy at Qana was, well, a tragedy. But there’s a thin line between a tangle of nuance and a bushel of bullshit. An academic celebrity whose career is spent mucking about in semantic slivers knows exactly what he means by the words “war crimes”. Any coincidence that the term pops out when he’s talking to francophone Quebec and not addressing a gathering of the CJA?
Not that he’s losing sleep over any of this. No, the only thing that might cause some sleepless nights are the internal polling numbers that tell him he’ll get a 5 point bounce at the convention if he rips a page from Charlie Sheen and suggests the World Trade Centers buildings collapsed in what looked to him like a controlled demolition.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Give the Tories 1 Majority Mandate....
October 10, 2013
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO THE BROADCASTING CORPORATION OF THE WORKING PEOPLE'S DEMOCRACY of CANADA.
Our magnificent leader, the Great and Eternal Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, announces that the Working People's Democracy of Canada executed a successful test of its nuclear defenses. To mark this glorious event in the WPDC history, the next three days are national holidays. All citizens will pay tribute to the researchers, scientists and engineers who made the Poison Fire Bomb possible - most notably, the lead scientist on the project, the supreme one, Eternal Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Our brothers and sisters now have the power to repel the aggressive evil of the rotting United States of America, the global predator who stalks the innocent like a diseased, injured mountain lion.
The infinite intellect of our most cherished Leader made historic contributions to the field of agricultural science, resulting in a larger harvest this year, despite the global drought. Rice rations will be raised to one and a half cups per family per day. The desperate attackers, the United States of America, can only provide one cup of rice per family per day. All salute Prime Minister Harper! May his quest for the Working People’s Democracy of Canada never end.
The Broadcasting Corporation of the Working People’s Democracy of Canada now presents the classic film, written, directed and produced by the world’s greatest artist, eternal Prime Minister Stephen Harper, “Hockey Love”. Comedy, love and the glory of the WPDC all intertwine in the most compelling story in human literature. Famous across the planet for the famous scene, “the Re-Burning of Atlanta.” Enjoy citizens! Praise our great and masterful leader!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO THE BROADCASTING CORPORATION OF THE WORKING PEOPLE'S DEMOCRACY of CANADA.
Our magnificent leader, the Great and Eternal Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, announces that the Working People's Democracy of Canada executed a successful test of its nuclear defenses. To mark this glorious event in the WPDC history, the next three days are national holidays. All citizens will pay tribute to the researchers, scientists and engineers who made the Poison Fire Bomb possible - most notably, the lead scientist on the project, the supreme one, Eternal Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Our brothers and sisters now have the power to repel the aggressive evil of the rotting United States of America, the global predator who stalks the innocent like a diseased, injured mountain lion.
The infinite intellect of our most cherished Leader made historic contributions to the field of agricultural science, resulting in a larger harvest this year, despite the global drought. Rice rations will be raised to one and a half cups per family per day. The desperate attackers, the United States of America, can only provide one cup of rice per family per day. All salute Prime Minister Harper! May his quest for the Working People’s Democracy of Canada never end.
The Broadcasting Corporation of the Working People’s Democracy of Canada now presents the classic film, written, directed and produced by the world’s greatest artist, eternal Prime Minister Stephen Harper, “Hockey Love”. Comedy, love and the glory of the WPDC all intertwine in the most compelling story in human literature. Famous across the planet for the famous scene, “the Re-Burning of Atlanta.” Enjoy citizens! Praise our great and masterful leader!
Friday, October 06, 2006
Naked Bob Rae
The CBC ran a lovely promotion during a commercial break for the Best of the Halifax Comedy Fest. The show featured a large, hairy comic waxing clever on the subject of plungers. The promotion was for the Rick Mercer Report. Next week, Rick Mercer and Bob Rae get naked together and jump in a lake. The promotion, giving the cow on top of the milk, showed the scene, with Bob Rae and Ricker Mercer's asses blurred via the magic of post-shoot editing. The crime, however, is that hard working, tax paying Canadians who worked on the set did not get the blurred version: for them, every square inch of larval white rump drooped before them. Maybe take after take after take. Think of the poor intern, who's doing this for her CV, gratis, delivering them dry towels between takes. Never one to miss a chance to connect with a potential supporter, he thanks her and says, "I'm a big believer in sharing."
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing more witty or charming than getting naked in front of people - its a guaranteed laugh. In fact, Chuckercanuck is known to march around town in nothing but a raincoat, surprising unsuspecting women with my very funny joke. I chalk it up to my random acts of kindness. I guess the only question in my mind, however, is whether we want a naked Prime Minister? Will someone who enjoys delivering the world's whitest moon, maintain the dignity of the office? Or are we happy to turn our PM into the president of Signa Chi? Joe Volpe - the only way to match that is to chug a kegger, my friend. On Mansbridge One-on-One.
No doubt, this was supposed to audacious fun; you know, to out-Trudeau Trudeau on Trudeau's most Trudeaupian days. Everybody's doing it - rumour is, Iggy plans to follow up on the 60s popart posters by wearing a mink coat this winter (Mike Myers - the parallels to a possible sequel are mind boggling: Austin Powers for Prime Minister). So, Bob Rae dipped into the 60s with a zany bit of streaking to say, "I'm so like Trudeau, I'd do things Trudeau would never dare do." And in so doing, he manages only to trump Stockwell Day. A wet suit is better than a birthday suit any day.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing more witty or charming than getting naked in front of people - its a guaranteed laugh. In fact, Chuckercanuck is known to march around town in nothing but a raincoat, surprising unsuspecting women with my very funny joke. I chalk it up to my random acts of kindness. I guess the only question in my mind, however, is whether we want a naked Prime Minister? Will someone who enjoys delivering the world's whitest moon, maintain the dignity of the office? Or are we happy to turn our PM into the president of Signa Chi? Joe Volpe - the only way to match that is to chug a kegger, my friend. On Mansbridge One-on-One.
No doubt, this was supposed to audacious fun; you know, to out-Trudeau Trudeau on Trudeau's most Trudeaupian days. Everybody's doing it - rumour is, Iggy plans to follow up on the 60s popart posters by wearing a mink coat this winter (Mike Myers - the parallels to a possible sequel are mind boggling: Austin Powers for Prime Minister). So, Bob Rae dipped into the 60s with a zany bit of streaking to say, "I'm so like Trudeau, I'd do things Trudeau would never dare do." And in so doing, he manages only to trump Stockwell Day. A wet suit is better than a birthday suit any day.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Chuckercanuck General Hospital
Readers of Chuckercanuck know that this isn't just a blog: its an attitude or more, a whole system of beliefs that looks awfully close to a religion. In that sense, its Canada's fastest growing religion and perhaps its only for-profit religion as well. Either way, I know full well that at times when a devoted member must deal with a chronic or emergency medical situation, its vastly more comfortable to do so without the hassle and discomfort of dealing with someone who doesn't think like you.
So I proudly announce, thanks to a shadowy group of international investors who I met in a Bhurmese hotel, that today we broke ground on the first-ever Chuckercanuck General Hospital exlusively serving adherents to Chuckercanuck. The site is 20 choice acres off the island of Montreal.
To be served at my hospital, you or someone with the power of attorney over you, need only say "no" to the following three questions as a way of identifying yourself as a follower:
1. I could see myself voting Liberal at some point in the next decade.
2. I like it when a Premier plays Donald Trump with my money, investing it in "key businesses" in "strategic markets".
3. Cuba is a great place to spend vacations dollars, everyone who works at the resorts are super happy and extremely well educated. Like Maria, the smiling cleaning lady with a minor in Russian lit.
Once in, you get medical attention the way Chuckercanuck prescribes it -
-> Male nurses will not attend to male patients, unless said patient requests it. Otherwise, busty, charming nurses will do for patient care what stewardesses once did for air travel.
-> Pork will constitute the main portion of every patients' diet. For example, lunch of ham steak topped with grated breakfast sausage. What isn't pork or pork derived, will be irish whiskey (whose medicinal benefits have been long neglected).
-> Except for people with severe fractures, patients will rest in hammocks, stacked three high. This helps keep costs down.
These and other features are wonderful, to be sure, but at the end of the day, removing from the patients sight the communists, socialists, social-democrats, democratic progressivists, 3rd way progressivists, union utopians, university utopians, squeegee activists and most importantly, liberals is probably the single nicest feature of the hospital.
And not to whet you whistles too much, but Chuckercanuck - the religious phenomenon blazing across the nation like a massive wildfire - is going to become even more exclusive.
First, a hospital. But I'm in talks with developers to build up some Chuckercanuck-only neighbourhoods. Wal-Mart's hinting at doing grocery stores dedicated to Chuckercanuck followers only. Hughes Electronics wants to launch a satellite for exclusive Chuckercanuck telecommunications. Give me 10 years and we'll none of us have to look at the ass-end of humanity ever again.
So I proudly announce, thanks to a shadowy group of international investors who I met in a Bhurmese hotel, that today we broke ground on the first-ever Chuckercanuck General Hospital exlusively serving adherents to Chuckercanuck. The site is 20 choice acres off the island of Montreal.
To be served at my hospital, you or someone with the power of attorney over you, need only say "no" to the following three questions as a way of identifying yourself as a follower:
1. I could see myself voting Liberal at some point in the next decade.
2. I like it when a Premier plays Donald Trump with my money, investing it in "key businesses" in "strategic markets".
3. Cuba is a great place to spend vacations dollars, everyone who works at the resorts are super happy and extremely well educated. Like Maria, the smiling cleaning lady with a minor in Russian lit.
Once in, you get medical attention the way Chuckercanuck prescribes it -
-> Male nurses will not attend to male patients, unless said patient requests it. Otherwise, busty, charming nurses will do for patient care what stewardesses once did for air travel.
-> Pork will constitute the main portion of every patients' diet. For example, lunch of ham steak topped with grated breakfast sausage. What isn't pork or pork derived, will be irish whiskey (whose medicinal benefits have been long neglected).
-> Except for people with severe fractures, patients will rest in hammocks, stacked three high. This helps keep costs down.
These and other features are wonderful, to be sure, but at the end of the day, removing from the patients sight the communists, socialists, social-democrats, democratic progressivists, 3rd way progressivists, union utopians, university utopians, squeegee activists and most importantly, liberals is probably the single nicest feature of the hospital.
And not to whet you whistles too much, but Chuckercanuck - the religious phenomenon blazing across the nation like a massive wildfire - is going to become even more exclusive.
First, a hospital. But I'm in talks with developers to build up some Chuckercanuck-only neighbourhoods. Wal-Mart's hinting at doing grocery stores dedicated to Chuckercanuck followers only. Hughes Electronics wants to launch a satellite for exclusive Chuckercanuck telecommunications. Give me 10 years and we'll none of us have to look at the ass-end of humanity ever again.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Question about Rock's Grossest Lyrics
CBC Montreal last week played, during the drive home show, the Elton John classic, "I guess that's why they call it the blues". Not one to listen carefully to Bernie Taupin lyrics for nuance (which as a neokon, I can't detect anyway), I did listen carefully while stuck in a rental at rush hour downtown.
Here's what Elton sings:
"Laughing like children, living like lovers,
Rolling like thunder, under the covers,
I guess that's why they call it the blues."
Now, this was back in the hetero days for Elton John and it struck me that perhaps the image of him and a woman rolling like thunder under the covers would qualify as the grossest image in all of rock and roll.
Discuss.
Here's what Elton sings:
"Laughing like children, living like lovers,
Rolling like thunder, under the covers,
I guess that's why they call it the blues."
Now, this was back in the hetero days for Elton John and it struck me that perhaps the image of him and a woman rolling like thunder under the covers would qualify as the grossest image in all of rock and roll.
Discuss.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Sour Pickle that is Rick Mercer - New With Bonus Footage of Balzebuzz
Dear Rick,
You don't speak for me and I do not join you in gloating over Conrad Black's current circumstances. You implore us to "lord it over him forever" and relish in the shadenfreude. You admit, "its unseemly to kick a guy when he is down", but do so anyway. Worst crime: there wasn't a single joke in the whole wordy splatter. It was just the angry pettiness of a comedian gone sterile trying to pass himself off as a man of the people.
Rick. Get real. You aren't stumbling out of a social housing unit on Jane and Finch, taking a two-hour bus-ride to CBC headquarters, only to spare your '86 Escort cause you saved up to go camping at the sandbanks this weekend. No, your idea of a hard day's work is an hour and a half in a make-up chair then walking across a football field screaming about how clever and cynical you are.
Maybe you don't have a Bentley like Conrad, but me thinks you've got a coffee maker with more options than the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. I'm sure it makes essssssspresso. Some "cool" art on the walls from some starving hipster in a loft off the Danforth. Who knows - maybe those black suits you love so much aren't from Moore's afterall. Next to Peter and Don, who makes the kind of dough you do at the CBC?
Plus, you get those meaningful public annoucemen gigs - like the one-tonne challenge. How many people auditioned for that job? What was your bid to do the work? I'd love to know how these celebrity contracts get splashed around Ottawa. Cause, one thing that never made sense: you're a good spokesperson if the target market is urbane, young, educated sophisticates who wear black alot. But, supposedly, those folks are super-aware and don't need to give up a tonne. The evil folks are urban or rural, uneducated bumpkins who don't get you. I'd think Wayne Rondstat or Luba Goy would have hit the right demographic with a tonne to drop.
Anyway. You know what you should read? Tom Wolfe's "A Man in Full" - learn you tons. Cause you never know when you might be down and you'll hope the folks still standing don't start stomping.
Bonus Footage
The comments thread has been taken up by a less compelling topic, the environment. If you want to cheer the new anti-environmentalism of Canada's most powerful Liberal politician, click below; if you marvel at the moral gymnastics of BalzeBuzz, please click below as well.
You don't speak for me and I do not join you in gloating over Conrad Black's current circumstances. You implore us to "lord it over him forever" and relish in the shadenfreude. You admit, "its unseemly to kick a guy when he is down", but do so anyway. Worst crime: there wasn't a single joke in the whole wordy splatter. It was just the angry pettiness of a comedian gone sterile trying to pass himself off as a man of the people.
Rick. Get real. You aren't stumbling out of a social housing unit on Jane and Finch, taking a two-hour bus-ride to CBC headquarters, only to spare your '86 Escort cause you saved up to go camping at the sandbanks this weekend. No, your idea of a hard day's work is an hour and a half in a make-up chair then walking across a football field screaming about how clever and cynical you are.
Maybe you don't have a Bentley like Conrad, but me thinks you've got a coffee maker with more options than the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. I'm sure it makes essssssspresso. Some "cool" art on the walls from some starving hipster in a loft off the Danforth. Who knows - maybe those black suits you love so much aren't from Moore's afterall. Next to Peter and Don, who makes the kind of dough you do at the CBC?
Plus, you get those meaningful public annoucemen gigs - like the one-tonne challenge. How many people auditioned for that job? What was your bid to do the work? I'd love to know how these celebrity contracts get splashed around Ottawa. Cause, one thing that never made sense: you're a good spokesperson if the target market is urbane, young, educated sophisticates who wear black alot. But, supposedly, those folks are super-aware and don't need to give up a tonne. The evil folks are urban or rural, uneducated bumpkins who don't get you. I'd think Wayne Rondstat or Luba Goy would have hit the right demographic with a tonne to drop.
Anyway. You know what you should read? Tom Wolfe's "A Man in Full" - learn you tons. Cause you never know when you might be down and you'll hope the folks still standing don't start stomping.
Bonus Footage
The comments thread has been taken up by a less compelling topic, the environment. If you want to cheer the new anti-environmentalism of Canada's most powerful Liberal politician, click below; if you marvel at the moral gymnastics of BalzeBuzz, please click below as well.
Monday, October 02, 2006
The View from Enemy Trenches
Submitted by guest blogger, Roch Du Bloc...
Dear Readers,
Lots of people say, "Roch, who scares you in the Bloc most of the three Liberal leaders?"
So I laugh alot and tell them they have to buy my next round. There is a Prime Minister and his name isn't Liberal. That is my only worry. And I don't take him so lightly - if Andre and his crack crew take Quebec, we could be rushing into a referendum with the President of France making eyes at Harper and setting a very high majority - 66% say - as the minimum threshold to gain French recognition. It would be over before it started.
Where les Bleus Royales are a tough nut to crack, Les Rouges are what keep politics fun. Imagine how we can spin it...
Michael Ignatieff
He agrees Canada and Quebec are different nations and he brings us an agenda that Quebeckers reject - every item of his platform --
"He thinks Canada should walk away from Kyoto. Quebec does not want to walk away. So even he must admit, this is a logical place for parting."
"He thinks Canada should stay in Afghanistan. Quebec wants to walk. Maybe our two nations, Quebec and Canada, should part once and for all."
Bob Rae
"Nice guy. Somebody find him a commission to head. Ontario just confirmed: the answer is no thank you. And in Quebec, we don't want Harris, we don't want Rae. We don't want Ontario."
Stephane Dion
"Look at Kyoto - the professor was asleep at the switch, burning up so much tax payer money, the smoke from that made the planet 0.5 degree warmer. And when he woke up, he gave us the nastiest lecture on the ontology of his perfection and blamed the problem on us."
Gerard Kennedy
"Qui?"
Dear Readers,
Lots of people say, "Roch, who scares you in the Bloc most of the three Liberal leaders?"
So I laugh alot and tell them they have to buy my next round. There is a Prime Minister and his name isn't Liberal. That is my only worry. And I don't take him so lightly - if Andre and his crack crew take Quebec, we could be rushing into a referendum with the President of France making eyes at Harper and setting a very high majority - 66% say - as the minimum threshold to gain French recognition. It would be over before it started.
Where les Bleus Royales are a tough nut to crack, Les Rouges are what keep politics fun. Imagine how we can spin it...
Michael Ignatieff
He agrees Canada and Quebec are different nations and he brings us an agenda that Quebeckers reject - every item of his platform --
"He thinks Canada should walk away from Kyoto. Quebec does not want to walk away. So even he must admit, this is a logical place for parting."
"He thinks Canada should stay in Afghanistan. Quebec wants to walk. Maybe our two nations, Quebec and Canada, should part once and for all."
Bob Rae
"Nice guy. Somebody find him a commission to head. Ontario just confirmed: the answer is no thank you. And in Quebec, we don't want Harris, we don't want Rae. We don't want Ontario."
Stephane Dion
"Look at Kyoto - the professor was asleep at the switch, burning up so much tax payer money, the smoke from that made the planet 0.5 degree warmer. And when he woke up, he gave us the nastiest lecture on the ontology of his perfection and blamed the problem on us."
Gerard Kennedy
"Qui?"
Sunday, October 01, 2006
U Happy?
Chuckercanuck has just looked up the latest results from the Liberal Superweekend. Its all very exciting and still too early to decide winners and losers. Well, winners at least. However, the results do highlight one big loser in this affair: Scott Brison.
In that convetion hall this December, more delegates will be cheering on Joe Volpe than Scott Brison. Joe Volpe, who just Friday, was fined by the Liberal Party brass for being sleazy-sloppy with his organizing. More Liberals feel Joe Volpe, with support drawn from the breast-fed to the walking dead, who accuses the very party to which these delegates belong of anti-Italian racism, has a better shot of being the next Prime Minister than Scott Brison.
A quick tour of his leadership site, gives you a few clues as to why. The opening page is a checkerboard of pictures showing Scott in action. The most prominent, top right, away from the buttons and text - Scott and Paul Martin, shaking hands for a picture. They are both in tuxedoes and they both look tanned and terrific. Oh yeah, he's an integral bit in the making of the Martin Juggernaut. He bolted us intolerant bigots to make government with the philosopher-captain-of-industry. And if it doesn't hit you then, click on to read about Scott Brison.
The section on political accomplishments is heavy with "worked to", "helped build towards" and "aimed to achieve"; not much in the way of "did", "achieved" or "accomplished". The best he has is for switching parties, he earned the title former cabinet minister - and, judging from this weekends results, he will always be a former cabinet minister, no matter what party runs Ottawa. Even attempts to deliver a Maritime base were sad - yes, he won Nova Scotia, but New Brunswick? 11% of the vote. PEI? 1.5%. Newfoundland? As of last check, he was neck and neck with Hedy Fry at 0%.
Now. From the kitchens of Irony Industries the following:
Had he not switched, he would be in Stephen Harper's cabinet, using his capabilities to accomplish something significant for Canada while benefiting from the tutelage of Stephen Harper - just like his nemesis, Peter MacKay. Furthermore, he and David Orchard find themselves in the same party again. And on that front, something's gotta give.
In that convetion hall this December, more delegates will be cheering on Joe Volpe than Scott Brison. Joe Volpe, who just Friday, was fined by the Liberal Party brass for being sleazy-sloppy with his organizing. More Liberals feel Joe Volpe, with support drawn from the breast-fed to the walking dead, who accuses the very party to which these delegates belong of anti-Italian racism, has a better shot of being the next Prime Minister than Scott Brison.
A quick tour of his leadership site, gives you a few clues as to why. The opening page is a checkerboard of pictures showing Scott in action. The most prominent, top right, away from the buttons and text - Scott and Paul Martin, shaking hands for a picture. They are both in tuxedoes and they both look tanned and terrific. Oh yeah, he's an integral bit in the making of the Martin Juggernaut. He bolted us intolerant bigots to make government with the philosopher-captain-of-industry. And if it doesn't hit you then, click on to read about Scott Brison.
The section on political accomplishments is heavy with "worked to", "helped build towards" and "aimed to achieve"; not much in the way of "did", "achieved" or "accomplished". The best he has is for switching parties, he earned the title former cabinet minister - and, judging from this weekends results, he will always be a former cabinet minister, no matter what party runs Ottawa. Even attempts to deliver a Maritime base were sad - yes, he won Nova Scotia, but New Brunswick? 11% of the vote. PEI? 1.5%. Newfoundland? As of last check, he was neck and neck with Hedy Fry at 0%.
Now. From the kitchens of Irony Industries the following:
Had he not switched, he would be in Stephen Harper's cabinet, using his capabilities to accomplish something significant for Canada while benefiting from the tutelage of Stephen Harper - just like his nemesis, Peter MacKay. Furthermore, he and David Orchard find themselves in the same party again. And on that front, something's gotta give.
