ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Stephen Harper returns from Mexico with a quiet triumph under his belt. It would be difficult to see that if you followed the media; in their attempts to prove they are the lynchpin of our democracy, they have spent their days in sunny Mexico providing fashion criticism to the Prime Minister. The people deserve to know. Yes, the vest hides the paunch. Its not verticals, but its does the trick. Besides, it didn't seem to bother George W. Bush, who sounded almost like a character in Brokeback Mountain when describing the Prime Minister's "steely resolve" on softwood.

Meanwhile, back at the University of Ottawa, Michael Ignatieff delivered a soaring vision-speech to unofficially launch his bid for leadership. You can find a transcript of his speech; its basically the kind of speech Paul Martin would deliver. By the end of the speech, you are convinced he is Paul Martin, minus the experience. He has modified his position on Iraq, saying he would only do what the people wanted him to do. Fair enough. But it isn't going to look a whole lot like leadership when standing next to the Prime Minister. Adding a whiff of wimpiness to it all is the fact that the speech is being given at a university - the one element Ignatieff knows. One day, he'll have to convince people on the shop floor and shopping center. They tend to be a harder crowd than 21 year poli. sci. students.


Update
Here's a quote in the Toronto Star from Michael Ignatieff that night:

"I respect American institutions but I don't want to live in a country where 40 million citizens don't have health care," he said to strong applause during a question-and-answer session with his audience.

Chuckercanuck would call that quote "a major turn-off" on par with seeing my wife eat food off the floor (not that she has, of course). How many decades did he live in the United States? While it isn't quite a deathbed conversion, he's a little old to suddenly talk about how he can't live in the United States. Let's say he was 35 and spent a quartet of years; then he could return and say the Great Satan is too harsh a country for him. But in his 50s? What a joke!

So, it appears Mr. Ignatieff has decided to blunt the Iraq issue with some time-honoured America-bashing. Prove his cred with the Michael Moore set.

Belinda: Chuckercanuck will not waiver.

Tonight, Chuckercanuck sleeps in a quiet suburb of Pittsburgh, at the mercy of the terrible meal foisted on him by one of the Americana restaurants that line the big-box boulevards of this strange land. I say strange, because we all know how different we are from Americans. Oh sure, we have big-box boulevards. But instead of Applebee's, we have Kelsey's always at the ready to send us to deep-fried heaven. Sadly, in both countries, the road back from deep-fried heaven crosses the fiery pits of digestive hell.

Earlier today, with an hour to spare before a sales call, Chuckercanuck snuck into Shenley Park - Pittsburgh's Mt-Royal - to remind myself how fantastic this city is. With the gothic spire of the Cathedral of Learning looming in the distance, coal soot still clinging to its walls, I couldn't help but begin speculating on what the next two days will bring for the 3 Amigos.

Do I think softwood lumber has been settled? Yes, quietly. All that remains is some protocol and fanfare. I remember the former PM - the name escapes me - wanted softwood forever unresolved, because it gave his militants something to kvetch about. He refused to negotiate until the $5 billion in duties collected by the Great Satan were returned to us. "You don't negotiate a win," he declared to shrinking throngs. Of course, that ignores the WTO rulings, but hey, as we saw in Kosovo and Kyoto, we are as fairweather with international commitments as the next country. This new PM has this strange interest in results and will do what's necessary to advance the country's interest even if that occasions some sore feelings amongst the frothy yank-baiters.

Still, Chuckercanuck has some advice for Prime Minister Harper:

1 - Resist the urge to kiss the President Bush's ring or refer to him as, "your highness." I'm not sure how, but this might get twisted by the Liberals into proof of the international neoconservative conspiracy for which you are the Canadian subsidiary.

2 - Forget trying to please the media. You will not be able to hold any press conferences in the National Press Gallery, so all is lost on that front.

3 - Whenever possible, wear vertical stripes because they are slimming. Note, President Bush works out alot and is in very good shape. Don't blow up over a few jabs at the belly accompanied by some "dough-boy" jokes. He's from Texas: he teases you when he likes you.

4 - From personal experience in El Salvador - "night" in spanish is "nochez" not "nachos". If you say "Buenos Nachos" as you greet Mexican officials, they will look at you funny and giggle behind your back.

5 - Check-in regularly with Garth Turner to make sure you're on the right track.

6 - When you check-in, ask who's in the adjacent rooms. If any of the rooms are occupied by a couple of gals from Thunder Bay, ask for a different room. Just in case.

One last thing: SPF 30 from dawn to dusk.

In a CBC town hall during the 2006 election, Peter Mansbridge corners Paul Martin with a smile, "Prime Minister, that's not the question I'm asking." Paul Martin returns the smile, "Well that's the question I'm answering." The audience rippled with laughter and though the topic lingered, everyone in the room had moved on, including us, the television audience. We had become used to the dance of non-question and non-answer; we enjoyed only the occasional ornementation of wit or pith.

Today, the Prime Minister and the press gallery are not dancing. They verge on open warfare over issues of access to the Prime Minister and the Cabinet. Chuckercanuck will not bore you with the details - they are readily available, for example at Paul Wells' blog - and most of them involve where cameras and mikes are located.

Remember, dear readers, we all have workplaces and homes where small changes are the difference between delusional bliss and bottomed-out depression. So, journalists have their picayune complaints that can easily be paralleled to many of our own. With my left-handed scissors, I shall cut some slack for some of the media. Mostly. I encourage them to continue their quest for substantial access to the Prime Minister and his Cabinet. But "substantial" isn't an arbitrary word thrown in for accent; its the whole point.

Pretending that David Emerson was even possibly induced by personal enrichment is not substantial. Calling Stephen Harper unprincipled for not acting on a principle he did not articulate is not substantial. Turning Stephen Harper's weight into a national crisis is not substantial. Chasing hidden agendas and psychoanalyzing the Cabinet is not substantial. Suggesting this dispute approaches anything like "a setback for democracy" is not substantial.

When the media brings substance to the table, both the politicians and the audience listen. A journalist cannot complain if he's not allowed a follow-up to a question about seals and Brigitte Bardot. It isn't just the big guy who's uncomfortable with the question, its all of us Timbits - that isn't us asking questions, its something else. I wonder if the media ever looks at its audience and asks, "what is that?"

Chuckercanuck is guilty of having jokingly speculated that perhaps David Orchard would take a stab at the Liberal leadership race. One man's joking speculation is another man's considered advice. Actually, since he joined the party last fall, he'll be one of the senior Liberals running for the leadership. The only downside to his candidacy - usually, the first time he runs for leadership of a party, Joe Clark ends up winning.

Meanwhile, Tom Axworthy heads up the nicknamed "Truth & Reconciliation Commitee" in an effort to unite the party and do some healing across the country. In efforts to do that, he described Martin's government "abysmal" and "bizarre" on some issues. Not exactly the most conciliatory way to bring an end to what Mr. Axworthy called a "civil war". Honouring Sheila Copps does not signify a peace among equal rivals, but triumph of one over the other. The Chretien leviathan is gobbling the party back up. The Martinites run or are digested. Interestingly, they do have a place to run - the Tory party - and they may not want to stick around and watch the Liberal party slip away from the mainstream under the influence of David Orchard and Buzz Hargrove.

Chuckercanuck gets flack for never pointing his rhetorical guns at conservatives. A quick note here to debunk the myth that I am unthinkingly supportive of Conservatives - I'm not - I'm unthinkingly supportive of Stephen Harper. Let's talk about Garth Turner.

Dear Garth,

Tina said it best in her ground-breaking soundtrack to Mad Max 3, Beyond the Thunderdome. The pot-bellied middle-class of Canada have found salvation and this is evident in the ever-swelling ranks of Harpermaniacs in all regions of the country. Do we need another hero? No. All we want is life beyond the Liberal-Dome.

Thinking people which, in a spirit of generosity, I'll take to include you, can disagree on policy alternatives. MPs should be encouraged to collect the thoughts of their citizens, distill those thoughts into a report, submit the report to the minister responsible and continue to advocate for those desires throughout a mandate.

We still do not know what campaign promise you want the finance minister to drop in the budget making process. All we know is there is something that doesn't suit you and the entire budget, afterall, should suit you. Does it occur to you that we are perhaps a little far into the budget making process to have it hemmed for your waistline? I know you'll point to a poll of 10,000 Canadians that back you up. - but when we look for a poll in the direction of your finger, we find nothing. Not yet at least - not until March 29th. Spare me the suspense, serious policy discussions don't unravel at a pace suited to Mr. Turner's media hunger.

In reading your blog, you occasionally reach Paul-Martin-heights of scoundrelness. That is, you wrap yourself up in the flag of citizens. "Voters. Isn't that why we're here?" Ugggh. Right. Has it occurred to you Mr. Turner that people who don't agree with you are doing so in the best interests of the citizens of this country? Has it occurred to you by using that kind of language you alienate people who might otherwise have a listen to what you want to say?

Does Stephen Harper deserve more from you than that? Absolutely.
Should Stephen Harper expect more from you than that? Nope.

Declared so by the Liberati who gather at that hotel in Toronto to heal wounds and unify in order to "win" as Ken Dryden put it (more later). Officially, it was the Academy of Liberals' way of giving Sheila Copps a lifetime achievement award in the art of loyal service. Note - there really is an Accord. I won't share it with you here, because it will trigger a violin solo of "When you wish upon a star" in your head, you'll weep and stop reading. I will note, however, how lavishly that party thinks - making a majestic allusion to the great peacemaking between savage European empires. Natural rulers of us all, they need only weld themselves back into the formidable Frankenstein they were to return to power. But the real reason people showed up was about the question of who gets to play the role of General Santa Anna in Imperium Liberalis Canada.

For a full account of the action, you can go to a fine fellow's blog: A Bcer in Toronto. He was present. Liberal bloggers won the status of "media" and were permitted insiders access. If you read his blog you'll get sense for how reasonable and good humoured he is. I won't reprint any (or much) of it so you have to go there.

But this gala offered us an all in a room look at our Santa Anna aspirants. And let's see how they fared:

Scott Brison are you running?

"I think we're going to make a decision in the next while. We're certaintly weighing our options. This is not grade nine class president we're talking about. There are a number of factors, but the fact is we've had some very successful exploratory work...building a network accross Canada."

Its bad enough that you've called your booze fest the King Edwards Accord. But to use the royal "we"? I know there is no "Scott" in the "Scott Brison Campaign." This isn't about "Scott Brison" this is about "ideas and how we want to face the challenges Canada must face in this century." Anyway, playing King Edward doesn't make you Prime Minister.

Denis Coderre are you running?

"Just for that moment, to be here, to send out the message there's only one flag, the Liberal flag, I think that's important."

That answer says, "no" to me. If you were running and had any chance to win, you would have said the Canadian flag instead of Liberal flag. It would have been a sound bite that carried all the way to the people you seduce come voting day. Instead, you say "Liberal flag" making it so tempting for us to ask, "is Canada, then, a flag of convenience for you?" What loaded question for a healing party. Sorry Denis, you're out.

Bob Rae, are you running?

"This is her night. It's not about me, it's about her."

Chuckercanuck shakes his head. Mr. Rae, you're not even a member of the party. You've mostly worked against them, particularly Sheila Copps. Why are you at this even, stealing even 5 seconds of the media's attention if this is not all about you? Sorry, Bob, you will not be the next contestant on "the comfy fur is right".

Michael Ignatieff are you running?

"Can we herd these cats? Yes, the question does occur. Oh sure, these are great cats. These are the best cats there are."

Memo to self: for his sake, stop quoting him after martini no. 4. What's that? He said that with a clear frame of mind? Memo to Michael: the money's good, you can still find time to write and build yourself up - sit this one out. Don't worry, another chance will come up soon - imagine the next leader taking 60 seats? Bad luck alone could do that. Take a pass.

Ken Dryden, are you running?

"This was a party that had been very successful and has been able to win even at times when there have been divisions."

The tragic case of bland arrogance. At the same time, he has endured a lightning rod position for the Liberals being the defender of its daycare social engineering. So, Chuckercanuck gives Ken Dryden the nod to run. There is a chance here to win. Let's say 10:1. But this is a pro-Ignatieff position because Dryden will keep King Edward's Throne warm past one election and 60 seats to show for it.

Stephane Dion, are you running?

"I need to make my mind up completly because we're talking about the most successful party in all the democratic world. (The winner could) become Prime Minister of a very great country, but one that's very complex to govern, so it's a decision you (need to take your time before making."

He isn't Scotty calling himself a "we". He isn't a Denis and mentions something loving and true about Canada. Hmmmm. Chuckercanuck assigns Stephane Dion as the official ABB candidate.

Belinda, are you running?

Belinda was not there to offer quotes. Here's BCer's take: "If she indeed wasn't here, I hope she had a good exuse."

The excuse, my friends, is that she is running. She's learning french and meeting people constituency by constituency. You're all stretching and hopping at the start line while Belinda completes her second lap. So compete for quotes in the next day's paper. It will be, sadly, votes, not quotes that decide the thing.

IMPORTANT BELINDA-DATE:

BCer in Toronto reports she was not in British Columbia, rather she was in Montreal watching the Maple Leafs get raked, piled and burned by les Habitants. Maybe Belinda wasn't at the King Edwards Accord to avoid french questions on leadership. (To the press, it wasn't about Sheila Copps or unity.) But even with her language deficiency, she scores points in the french media by adding some big money glamour to a feel-good triumph over the passive-aggressive Maple Leafs.

Not too shabby.

In today’s National Post, they published a chart where some useful academics plotted different countries along a two axes. Chuckercanuck has not serious interest in reviewing the schematics fabricated by people who make management consultants look useful. The important point, as both the NP and I saw it: Canada and the United States are about as similar as two countries get. Before my kindly “progressive” readers reach for their registered guns to express their displeasure with such treasonous talk, allow me to explain how Chuckercanuck came to love the United States of America.

Even the most fluently bilingual anglophone gets exhausted with the linguistic gymnastics of everyday life in Montreal. Talking in a second language burns more calories than 45 minutes of strippersize, that’s for sure. Every odd weekend, you need a short escape to Anglolia. There are some options: Ontario, Upstate New York or Vermont. Torontonians will be baffled – but a short jaunt to Ontario provides as much fun as the Canadian Antiques Roadshow (where nothing is ever worth more than $30). Besides, the first thing anyone asks you at an eastern Ontario McDonald’s is: “quelle trio?”

Vermont is Quebec's playground. We fill the inns and restaurants, the slopes and hiking trails. If I attempted travel writing, this blog would teeter on the verge of dangerous dorkiness if not already knee-deep in muck. I'll stop there - Google Vermont and someone will show you its natural beauty and perfect villages better than me. The point is - everyone loves a weekend in Vermont. And its difficult not to feel attached to it and its citizens. The condition of Lake Champlain ranks as a higher concern than Lake Simcoe, for me and many Montrealers. And Montreal is a big source of funding for Vermont's PBS station.

Vermonters - the north half anyway - looks to Montreal as the local big city. In fact, until the Expos expired, Vermont had a minor league team called the Vermont Expos. They spend weekends getting excited in the gawdy tourists traps of Cresent Street and the Old Port. They use Trudeau Airport as their link to the world. Many of their young sons and daughters come to McGill University. Oh, and they count on us to fill every new hotel room or gondola they install.

Of course, even Vermont has its drawbacks. Hippies grow like weeds there and they charmingly congratulate mothers if ever they catch them breastfeeding. Hummus is on every menu in the state, even the "chinese" restaurants (not that you'd ever set foot in a chinese restaurant in Vermont). They compensate by selling excellent wine alongside a huge selection of beer in every grocery store and maintaining perfect roads (Quebec's the rattle, Vermont's the hum).

If it were up to Chuckercanuck, there would be no border between Vermont and Quebec. If we had to harmonize standards on customs and immigration in order to do so, I would be willing to do that. No thought has been put into that wish except the thought of shaving 10 - 20 minutes off the drive. My Canada includes Vermont.

Only in Quebec does a law get made for the sole benefit of creating jobs to administer it.

Madame Bardot, grande dame de la Cinema, made a gruelling trip to Canada to protest the seal hunt in the Prime Minister's Office. In Ottawa. With Him Present.

Chuckercanuck has had the rare occasion to fly first class and he assures his coach-only readers that such a flight can only be described as "gruelling". Good example: they don't let 5 minutes pass without a drink in your hands. To quote Bikerman, my boss, after the flight, "I don't think we've landed." So, I can understand why Mme. Bardot would call the trip gruelling.

Everywhere, government officials, from customs onwards, made her feel harassed. One good thing about Canada, we never leave home to harass people. You only get harassed if you make the gruelling trip and barge in to lecture us. In customs defense, the chances that Madame Bardot would be recognized even when the officer had her passport in hand, is slight. That's just how regular people get treated, Madame. (What you call a two-hour detention, we call a "line-up").

Her biggest disappointment was that she was completely rebuffed by the Prime Minister and managed not even a 5 minute phone call. To add insult to injury, Chuckercanuck tried getting a hold of the Prime Minister by phone as well. I started the exercise at 3 p.m. and by 3:41 pm, I had the Prime Minister on my cell phone.

My new cell phone can record audio, so I taped the conversation. Here's the transcript for your interest:

Prime Minister: Hello? Stephen Harper speaking.
Chuckercanuck: Prime Minister, this is Chuckercanuck.
PM: You're from where?
CC: No, this is Chuckercanuck. As in the blog, Chuckercanuck.
PM: Sorry, I don't have time for that crap. Now that you have me on the phone, is there something you'd like to say to the Prime Minister?
CC(pauses with blank stare): uhh. well. sorry, I just wanted to see if I could get you on the phone. You know, like how you wouldn'r talk to Brigitte Bardot?
PM: You're waisting my time. Get off the phone.
CC (into a dial tone): Yeah, you're right.

If this were the mile I'd walk in Libby Davies shoes, I'd be keeping a low profile in my riding this week. Maybe even sneak off to California wine country for some progressive politics and pinot noir. Make peace, they say, and slap and 270% markup.

The vice police - particularly the crimes of obesity unit - are cracking down in Ottawa. The prime suspect is the Prime Minister himself whose pot belly has become the focal point for his fiercest critics. What kind of role model is the Prime Minister when he looks so fat? Finally, the light is shining in a once dark corner.

In today's National Post, still carrying a torrent of outrage in the letters, they published a picture of the Prime Minister's wife forcing what looked to be the deep-fried parts of abour 6 chickens. PM Harper was digging in with singular attention. The letters were about 10% of the page and the picture was about 33% of the page. The Danish cartoons killed a lot of people, and the NP doesn't publish them. But in worrying about the PM's rotundness, they may have killed countless more people by having people carelessly see it and say, "oh, look, the Prime Minister thinks southern fried chicken is mmmmm delicious. so do I. tonight, I'm going to eat a bucket. Tomorrow too."

Strategically, Prime Minister, you'd score points by taking vigorous family hikes through Gatineau park. The fitness industry lobby will quiet down. The media will be forced to include a photo op of you and the family crossing a brooke, stone by stone. How Canadian. Then, do a trip to the Chic-Chocs in the Gaspe and the Quebec press will coo, "Si Quebecois."

But don't leak anything about being on a special diet. Especially any that Susan Sommers sells early in the morning of TSC. I prefer a leader who gets carried awway with a well fried platter of chicken than one who asks for a bunless burger with green sald on the side. Strike some balance though, no more blue cheese crumble on steak.

All this makes Chuckercanuck giggle because if we were talking about Prime Minister Belinda and her Technicolour DreamCoat (TM) - the media and progressive bloggers would be howling condemnations at the suggestion she had "chunked up". "How dare you use a woman's body as a political weapon against her," would be the start to Jeffrey Simpson's ultimately award-winning column.

Which brings me back to Libby Davies. One immediate avenue for a journalist to pursue is some reaction to the Harper's fat problems from Ms. Davies. So, I'd be on a road trip, now driving back from the South by Southwest festival in Austin, Texas. Because you want your assistant to say, "she's not available for comment."

Pat Martin, NDP MP, is defiant even as he is firmly rejected by the ethics commissioner over the Emerson affair. The NDP tastes a seat in this, Mr. Emerson's. Once dippers get hungry for a seat,they start justifying the seat in their minds and pursuing it with abandon. Caution, lefty friends: we thought that with King's Hants. Heck, we slapped Joel Clark in their to get him a seat in parliament. That's how Tory we thought the seat was! Lumps learn you things.

Mr. Emerson will win his riding in the next election. His competence will help. But the weakness of his manure spreading opponents will defeat themselves even better. Here's some quotes the CBC obtained from Mr. Martin in reaction to the commissioner's report:

"Looking across the country, it's clear that people believe they've been robbed," MP Pat Martin told a news conference in Ottawa. "People are motivated by anger in a non-partisan way."

Two interesting things:

1) This is no longer about the voters in David Emerson's riding. The "local" protest is run by a Liberal "upandcomer", Kevin Chalmers, who doesn't live in the riding.

2) Non-partisan way is false. The only active "Conservative" that I have seen is Michael Watkins. I have seen him on blogs, CBC radio and read him in the National Post. He has been characterized by the CBC and the NP as a "Conservative." I can testify that he is NOT a "Conservative" and mis-appropriates the title the way Chuckercanuck did to get the coke-snorter into the PQ helm.


"The Conservatives' proposed seven-point Accountability Act "is absolutely silent on this issue," Martin pointed out.

Oddly, I thought he would next blast the media for suggesting that the Prime Minister was being in any way hypocritical given that he has in no way infringed on a promise made. But no, he overlooks the obvious corollary to this point.

"You don't find anybody picketing about the Lobbyists Registration Act or the Privacy Act or even the Access to Information Act, but we do see people dumping garbage on the lawns of cabinet ministers over the floor-crossing issue."

And spreading manure. What I wonder is - was Pat Martin describing the situation or threatening? Pass my law or maybe more garbage gets dumped in inconvenient places - get Mr. Minster?

Someone has to tell Mr. Martin that the law of diminishing returns is starting to creep into his agenda.

B-E-L-I-N-D-A

Last week, Belinda Stronach took a page out of Imelda Marcos’ book of plays and claimed she was a Montrealer based on the fact that she owns some tony loft space by the old port.

This week, she makes a glamorous appearance at Montreal’s St-Patrick’s Day Parade. Waving to crowds, she was wrapped tightly in green animal skin, provoking Paul McCartney and Brigitte Bardot into fits of apoplexy. Surprisingly, she was the only leadership contender to show up.

Local boy, Stephane Dion, decided to skip out on the even. He must have figured that Montreal’s Irish are as sheepish as their stew and when the time would come, they would line up unthinkingly behind the only Quebecker in the race. The other potential contenders likely have difficulty finding their way beyond the 905 area code. Too bad, they would likely be shocked to discover that other large metropolitan areas exist in Canada.

What’s her platform? Oh come now. Does anyone care? She supports Canadian values. ‘Nuff said. Besides, she’ll likely get a quiet, but significant helping hand from Jack’s NDP and Gilles’ Bloc. Because if she doesn’t win the Liberal leadership, Jack and Gilles know very well shel’ll be gunning for their jobs. (“Jack and Gilles went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and Gilles lost his crown to Frank’s hungry daughter.”)

The leader of the separatist forces in Quebec, Andre Boisclair, makes the Prime Minister look like a publicity hound. This winter, Weirton Willy has made more appearances than the supposed founding father of the forthcoming nation of Quebec. This weekend, Mr. Boisclair sufaced just long enough to get a few quiet inches of the sunday papers.

Mr. Boisclair got a crowd of delusionals to chant "Un Quebec pour le monde!" as he outlined how Quebec would take on the role of Northern Cuba - it would be "ecologist, pacifist, expressing solidarity and favouring an alternative vision of globalization." Intoxicating stuff, Mr. Boisclair, Chuckercanuck is especially interested in that alternative vision of globalization - me thinks it looks only somewhat different from Osama's alternative vision of globalization. A couple of rule changes and its the same thing.

Whereas Gilles Duceppe believes every state of affairs leads necessarily to separation, Andre Boislcair believes the solutions to our affairs follow necessarily from separation. World peace? Once Quebec separates. Economic boom? A product of separation. Potholes? Fille by Quebec separation. Troubles with the girlfriend? You bet, Quebec separation. Does anyone doubt that cancer will not have a cure until Andre Boisclair leads us to nationhood?

Remember, this is the leader of the opposition in Quebec's National Assembly. In a normal province or state, he'd be worrying about health care or the fiscal gouging that municipal mergers/demergers have become. In a normal jurisdiction, this man would feel some responsibility to hold the government accountable on behalf of all citizens.

Instead, he plans to make two foreign excursions - to Paris and Washington, in order to build relations for the eventual country that he plans to deliver us. George Lucas could not write this script more absurdly.

Godspeed Jedi Boisclair, may you find wise audiences in foreign lands. meanwhile, I'm going to avoid driving under overpasses. Okay?

THIS JUST IN: Pauline Marois, the PQs most experienced and competent politician, has decided to give her party the silent flush. She retires today and leaves the separatist battlefield to her party-animal nemesis. I guess Chuckercanuck isn't the only one who reads the writing on the wall.

The title of this blog was my favorite result of a website called Wordsmith. It is at: http://www.wordsmith.org


There I used the anagram service as directed by the instructions for a meme at Ivan Prokopchuk's website - creativewriting,ca. Ivan's site is terrific fun and I've added to my vocabulary as a result of reading him.

For those who don't know - this meme means I follow instructions about what to put in this post and then "tag" other bloggers to do the same. In this case, I can tag as many people as I want.

So, using the anagram service at wordsmith.org, I was to post anagrams of my blog name as well as my own. But, when I put my own name, I got hundreds of combinations. It was overwhelming. So, the best anagram for my blog name is the only one you'll see. Go over to the website and try out the anagrams for yourself because its fascinating; you'll end up doing a dozen before you know it.

As far as tagging:

I choose three. Two blogs started today and both deserve tagging.

Suave Italiano.
Molarmauler.

Then, I'll throw in Waking up on Planet X. Because to me, its funny to do this twice to her.

The House of Liberal Friends is about to get scrutiny that its members never thought possible. There to represent the regions in our confederation, the House of Liberals friends chooses to represent a netherworld of Grits. News reports are that the Liberal senators plan to obstruct the government's legislative agenda where possible (liberal senators are, something like 70% of the senate!). Yes, federal gridlock, the regions have been clammoring for that.

However, a lovely set of events, one inflicted and one self-inflicted, will mean this operation has to be more surgical than scatter-shot.

1) As part of Stephen Harper's descent into tyrannical madness, Michael Fortier was appointed to senate and named Public Works minister. The media will have an unprecedented curiosity in the workings of the senate. Such interest alone invites collateral damage for the cronies who put cro into CroMagnon.

2) Senator Celine's brave verbal pummeling of a midwestern American family shows us that perhaps the most wingnutty part of the Liberal caucus isn't the house of commons! Had the good senator had the sense to recycle the letter and go on with the important business of getting a triple latte grande with whipped cream - the attention would remain squarely on Michael Fortier. But it doesn't now. Now, Canadians want to know: are there schoolchildren in Russia getting tirades against Stalin from our senators? What exactly, do these other folks do? We know Minister Fortier manages a huge pie of the government's budget. How about the rest of them?

Thank you, Senator Blah-blah. You've probably done Canada a service.

A family of lefties from Minnesota wrote to each Senator in Canada to protest the seal hunt. Most senators haven't bothered to open mail since the 70s - who would be daft enough to send important correspondence to them? Others did indeed open the family's letter but quickly forgot it because, as they say in the red chamber, "it doesn't pay an extra cent to lift a finger - or even show up.". But one senator, Celine Herviex-Payette, decided to give the family a taste of Canada, senate-style.

In a vicious letter, our fine Senator told the family that they shouldn't talk - what with their daily massacre of Iraqis and low-level but masked genocide of black men in the US INjustice system. I know Senators are not exactly "in touch", but what is the likelyhood that this anti-seal hunting family has a BushCheney '04 bumper sticker glued to the rear of their Minivan?

Chuckercanuck loves a good conspiracy, and I suspect the Liberal Senator was just fiddling to the tune of her Toronto masters; those voices calling loudly for the abolition of the regional house of confederation for, ahem, noble purposes. But, I must admit, the Liberals were pretty quick to distance themselves from the comments -referring to them as personal opinions not representative of party line.

Not that such tactless, brutal anti-americanism warrants her dismissal from the Liberal caucus. That can't be done because so much of the caucus in both houses relish the opportunity to find an unsuspecting American family and tear them all knew ones. Basically, party line is one thing, but personal opinions line up almost unanimously with our sharp senator who, if I'm not mistaken, is Senator for Tehran.

And that's where conspiracy theory number 2 enters the scene. There is only one reason Senator Celine Blah-blah made a splash of her hostility towards the Great Satan. Tomorrow, she joins Barbara who-who as the 2nd declared candidate in the race for Liberal leadership.

Belinda, I'm worried - you're going to have to top that. My suggestion - and you've got the cash to pull this off - bomb Bismark, North Dakota.

"French film legend Brigitte Bardot wants to meet Harper in Ottawa next week"
says the news today.

"Old Squid wants to meet Brigitte Bardot or preferably, her daughter, next week," says the news tomorrow.

"You know, I'm in charge of a trillion-dollar economy, 10 millions square miles of territory, 32 million citizens. But I have nothing scheduled next week, what's good for you?" says the Prime Minister.

"Maybe she should take a stab at the Liberal leadership," says the savviest grits in town.

"Start a blog, Ms. Bardot," advises Chuckercanuck.

Gilles is making media rounds leading up to the Throne speech and the Bloc Quebecois response. As part, he has offered Chuckercanuck a short interview which I am proud to offer you exclusively at this blog.

Chuckercanuck: Thank you for taking the time out to speak with me.

Gilles: The honour is mine, Chuckercanuck.

Chuckercanuck: Yeah, you're probably right. So, I guess you'd call this a wintris horibilus, wouldn't you?

Gilles: No, no, on the contrary. It was a very warm winter.

Chuckercanuck: Indeed it was.

Gilles: I believe very strongly that once Quebeckers recognize how warm the winter was, they will see that Canada doesn't work and we need to go our own way.

Chuckercanuck: I suppose you would. How do you react to rumours that a clutch of Bloc MPs is going to renounce separatism and bolt to the Tories?

Gilles: Its great news. I mean, once Quebeckers recognize how unethical Stephen Harper is, they will see that Canada doesn't work and there's only one way out.

Chuckercanuck: I see. Let's talk about Andre Boisclair, PQ leader. Would you agree that he's been not much better than a bag of cement on a swim across the lake?

Gilles(laughs): Yes! He's been pretty terrible.

Chuckercanuck: So, that must be something that dampens your positive outlook on separation's fortunes?

Gilles: Not at all. I believe that once Quebeckers see how terrible my relations with Mr. Boisclair are, they will realize that federal politicians can never work with Quebec politicians and we should cut them out of our lives.

Chuckercanuck: But, to get your referendum, he has to win an election.

Gilles: That's his problem. I'm optimistic. Afterall, I'm told Andre Boisclair and Michael Ignatieff had "passionate" debates about separatism that lasted hours. If Mr. Ignatieff took hours to debate a puffy marshmellow - then I think the Bloc can win from the Liberals what it loses to the Conservatives.

Chuckercanuck: You have a point, Gilles. Thank you for this interview.

Gilles: Thank you for giving me a chance to connect with your wide audience.

On my way home from work, I was drawing up a list of the three most evil people in the history of human civilization. It was going to be, obviously, Stalin, Pol Pot and David Emerson, until I saw a G&M article that sent chills down my spine:

Bev Desjarlais has joined the forces of darkness and works in Minister Thompson's office. Apparently, they were friends as MPs and have a working relationship that the Minister felt he could leverage to do good work for Canada's veterans.

Remember, Jack Layton - a big backer of democratic debate - stripped her of her critic's role and then squeezed her out of the party in an ugly nomination battle up in Churchill, MB. Why? Because she had the temerity to disagree with him on same-sex marriage.

But the strong-arm tactics of the NDP pail in comparison to the defection of a once proud Dipper. "Mind-boggling", "shocking" and "disappointing" is how Judy Wasylycia-Leis described the news. Actively supporting and upholding the Stephen Harper agenda? Good Dippers everywhere are puking, albeit in an equitable manner that ensures everyone gets their fair, gender-free puke.

Kind readers of Chuckercanuck, we all know why the outrage, don't we?

The Prime Minister is a good man. His agenda is good for the country. His leadership is a lung-full of spring air. It gets harder by the day to make the opposite case. Soon, it will be the emperor looking down at the gaggle of anti-globalizers and champagne socialists giving Jack his daily bear hug and say - "hey boys, you got no clothes and the whole country sees that!"

Think back to the glories of May, 2005. In those days, floor crossing was not only acceptable, it was the right and proper reaction to the evil eruptions of Mount Stephen Harper. Captain's Quarters was the hottest blog in Canada and the Breault testimony was reverberating across the land. Those were the days, eh my friends?

With these memories at the forefront, let us turn to the letters section of the National Post. Okay, yes, some dummy from Missassauga borrowed Chuckercanuck's "Harper as Bush's poodle" argument. Chuckle, chuckle. But, look at the letters fawning over Harper's mini-mission to Afghanistan. Who's that telling us Stephen Harper is just about the greatest Prime Minister in our nation's history?

Beryl P. Wajsman.

Doesn't ring a bell? Oh, but it does my friends. Mr. Wajsman was at the dinner with Joe Morselli and Jean Brault in which Mr. Brault claimed to slide $5,000 their way to distribute to loyal Liberals across Quebec. His denials made him something of the comic relief of the Gomery Inquiry.

My point? If a stalwart, life-long Liberal, accused of being willing to do whatever it takes to win a few extra seats in Quebec, now thinks Prime Minister Harper is the leader we've always wanted for this country --- does anyone need any further proof of Liberal decline?

That's how the G&M described the Official Opposition's reaction to Harper's meeting with President Karzai. The point of anger:

Harper explained to Karai the delicate situation Canada finds itself in with respect to the mission. Because Canada has a minority government, the Prime Minister does not have authority to offer long-term commitments beyond the current mandate which ends next February. Parliament has that authority which can outvote the government if it so choses.

Stephane Dion, foreign affairs critic, did the false outrage. He made several points:

- Chretien never discussed internal debates when he went to Afghanistan in 2003.

This flimsy comment needs no refutation, unless like his buddy Ujall Dosanjh, he's not good with numbers. Maybe he doesn't really understand what minority and majority means. You know, after 100, it can all be rather blurry.

- He charges that Prime Minister Harper gives the false impression abroad that the Liberals dissent on the mission.
Actually, the first time I thought that the Liberals, officially, might turn against the mission was when Ujall Dosanjh called for a parliamentary dialogue. Chuckercanuck heard him on the CBC and thought - oh, jesus, they're thinking about Bushifying Afghanistan to make this a wedge issue in the snap election.

I'd bet the Prime Minister got that same idea at the same time from the same man, former Minister Dosanjh.

- Mr. Dion added that he wants a debate as keenly as Ujall Dosanjh.

Remember, Mr. Dion sat around the same cabinet sending troops to Afghanistan and taking on this mission. Instead of wasting precious time calling for a debate, he should spend it selling the mission.

Let's say he has doubts about the mission. That's fair. Frankly, none of them knew what they were deciding on. None of the cabinet, well except a half dozen, understood the danger or logistics or the geogrpaphy. They knew how it polled and how the Great Satan would be pleased. Polls. That was sufficient. (Plus the informal blackberry polls they would run from cabinet - "are U happy?")

If there are doubts, state them. Maybe they are worth a parliamentary debate. Who knows? So, please state your doubts. Unless, it begins with: "Bush masterminded 9/11".

As a potential candidate for the Liberal throne, Mr. Dion has be throwing down minimum requirements for the next leader. Each one narrowing the field closer to just him. This week, it was "must speak french fluently." Notice, he doesn't go for fluently bilingual because that would cancel him out. So, he leaves it at must speak fluent french.

Chuckercanuck thinks another one, call this the Ujall Dosajh test, should apply equally: must be good with numbers. Each candidate is required to demonstrate basic computational skills, like the kind you find in candy bar contests.

Oh. Oh. David Suzuki, your the last Grit hope....

While I have some of your attention, I'd like to point out an internet radio station at

http://www.radioxtrm.com/

Radio extreme is produced by a francophone on the east end of Montreal who likes his beef Albertan and his governments small. Each week, he teams up with with an anglophone from the west end of Montreal to host the internet's first fully bilingual talk show. The francophone speaks french. The anglophone speaks english. Each understands one another perfectly to create a conversation you are not likely to hear anywhere else in the world. And they both love Stephen Harper.

Here, in my city. In Quebec. I'm not making this up.

The President of Afghanistan accepted an invitation to Canada before Prime Minister Harper could finish the offer. "I'll be there," Mr. Karzai said, who won the first free and fair election held in that country for a long time. Such a visit offers the two countries an opportunity to establish a lasting relationship as Prsident Karzai can explain best how Canada is making a meaningful contribution to Afghanistan.

Now, if you're a national columnist, this is as bad as the Prime Minister's visit to Afghanistan in the first place. Mr. Harper is an unethical, micro-managing, angry robot programmed by the Mossad and a CIA. At the very least, he could have left Afghanistan empty-handed, so that they could have written:

"But for all the rah-rahing and photo-ops, what did Mr. Harper's trip to Afghanistan achieve? A boost in the polls? Perhaps, but so often with this US-led 'war on terrorism', the flashy photo-op can have unintended, deadly consequences. Far from home, where a public begins to ask more questions about the unknown goals and uncertain timeline, the Prime Minister perhaps enjoys the most tranquil part of very early prime ministership. In Afghanistan, no one is asking questions about David Emerson and the accountable government Stephen Harper was supposed to bring us."

Now, sadly, there's an answer. President Karzai is coming. President Karzai will get to tell Canadians directly, on behalf of Afghans, what our mission means to them. Ujall Dosoanjh and Jack Layton should voice their concerns and complaints now to provide President Karzai with an opporutnity to prepare a response during his visit. That sounds just to me - maybe not social justice, but fair play. Meanwhile, the national columnists have to work this material in, my suggestion is:

"As if Canada does not host enough state visits in a year, Mr. Harper invites Hamid Karzai to Canada to boost polling numbers that say the mission is unclear and the PM isn't helping. The lavish events will add millions to budgets bloated already with Paul Martin's end days spending spree. Of course, a visit from the President would be nice, but can we afford it? Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is globetrotting away from the largest political scandal and ethical breech, perhaps, in Canada's history. That is, Mr. Emerson's defection to the Conservatives. And insiders are already speculating the timing of President's Karzai's visit will be determined by the timing of the Ethics Comnissioner's prelimary report."

Those partisans that promote themselves as the standard-bearers of ethics in our national politics have taken to smear manure on David Emerson's office with a sprau-painted message: face the voters. Chuckercanuck has no idea how lefties interpret such acts, since they use it as a form of protest fairly regularly, one assumes the enjoy the act of pasting manure to other people's property. Being a right-wing radical, I find this kind of protest both disgusting and moronic at the same time.

Moronic, because as an opponent I find the internet petition a far more powerful symbol of anger with Emerson than I do handling an animal's smelly waste. Disgusting, because it's an animal act in itself, debasing the entire culture.

The news that the two implementers of a plan to collect cow feces, drive it over to Minister Emerson's offices and wipe it along the walls is my excuse to clarify some things for the partisans waging a shit-crusted campaign against the Minister.

On Being A Hypocrite.
Because you are Liberals, you don't yet understand the difference between parliament and government. Personally, I can cut you some slack on that front. Its been a long time and you're still pretty hungover from the high. However, Liberals do have to understand that there has been a difference all along - and being in parliament is very different from being in government.

When Chuckercanuck decided to invest that time not taken by work and family towards promoting Stephen Harper and the Conservatives, the decision was that this GOVERNMENT needed to be replaced. The key words that triggered Chuckercanuck: cash-stuffed envelopes. (oh, yeah, car bombs as a follow up).

Ethics was not about the little games that you phony moralists play with parliament. Accountability was in the sphere of government. It was about eliminating the possiblity of cash-stuffed envelopes. Cash. Stuffed. Envelopes. Picture it. Taste it. See - that's the world of government. Of contracts worth millions and billions. Not parliament.

Even c-conservatives, like Andrew Coyne, have been savage. And in their play with the word "ethics" - tossing the word around easily since they'd hallowed it out so thoroughly - they have tried to make the citizen forget that this was about:

CASH STUFFED ENVELOPES.

They want to swap the deck chairs so that the passengers will ignore the belching engine. It will fail them as a strategy, they will figure this out a year from now. Do they really want to find the answer after another election? If you know the answer to that, make your plans accordingly.

My guess is less than 50 wooly-headed Canadians are watching "Prairie Giant" - the riveting story about Tommy Douglas - on CBC tonight. Chuckercanuck would sooner watch the Shopping Network than be forced to watch the story of a communist to whom 4/5ths of Canada said, "no thanks". But I can't help but think about another communist on the prairie today, Bob Rae. In Winnipeg, he gave a non-leadership-related speech outlining what he sees are the challenges facing Canada. Nothin' to do with that job posting on the Liberal website - Bob Rae just wants to have fun and that's what he calls fun.

Reports on his speech have been hard to find - unless you're looking actively, which only Bob Rae's immediate family would be doing. The journalists had clear difficulty trying to pull out anything sembling an intelligible sentence that had a inch of "grab" to it. The only one I found, and supposedly, this won warm applause:

"(Canada) maintains the prosperity that is such a key part of our social justice."

Chuckercanuck assumes the warm applause was because the audience thought he was quoting a line from Jabberwocky. I know, I know, you don't have to sound sensible until after you win the leadership. But, what does that mean exactly? And, most worringly: "social justice". As in, there's justice and then there's social justice. That's just the way Communists say: "we'll decide what's fair, you shut even if we ship you out to Nunavut." (I'd much prefer a guy saying in twang, "there's justice. And there's Texas justice.")

He also threw in, sort of like a charming off-side, a veiled threat to Alberta and its oil wealth. See, if he were a Think Big Communist, he'd have coveted Quebec's energy resource as well. Quebec's energy resource, given its renewability and increased capacity in a warmer world, is arguably equally important as an energy resource. But, Bob Rae is a Think Obvious Communist and chooses to bully Alberta.

His biggest theme is education. Did you know, we need to edumacate ourselves to get ahead in this world? Message to Bob Rae: if you really care about education, then you should run in the jurisdictions that control education - the provinces. Oh wait. You tried that already and you were an absolute disaster! So you want to take that diaster to the federal level? Let's see.... $14 billion deficit in Ontario, if we say Ontario is 33% of Canada, then you're thinking of giving us a $42 billion deficit? Oh, that'll teach us, Bob.

The blog title, refers to the theme of his speech. Its a great quote. Bob Rae and the other leftovers running for leadersip of the Liberal party would do well to think that one over before they hop into the ring against the Prime Minister. But then again, I hear the Liberals, Bloc and NDP want to bring down the government over childcare. Paulie's down, but after looking at the jellyfish and worms thinking about the Liberal party leadership, he's decided he's not out.

Everyone knows that Chuckercanuck thinks Harper can walk on water. Needless to say, I'm mighty happy with his surprise visit to Afghanistan. However, no self-respecting columnist in the land could write an appreciative piece on the trip. And since so many of the pundits rely on this very site for inspiration, below are great ways to start your column for tomorrow's Toronto Star, National Post, Globe & Mail or whatever:

Harper as Unethical
"The most galling thing about Harper's shock photo-op in Afghanistan is that no where in the Conservative platform does he promise to do so. Doing things you haven't promised to do is almost as unethical as breaking promises. How does Harper sleep at night?"

Harper as Inept
"While Mr. Harper's trip is a step in the right direction, one has to wonder about the flight path - a mind-boggling circumnavigation that cost the taxpayers twice as much as if he had taken the Arctic route. If this spend-happy trip is any indication of the government we are about to get, then the days of federal surpluses are over."

Harper as Anti-Democrat
"Yet another strong-arm tactic to shut the critics down, Harper's trip is seen as a chance to distract Canadians from their growing demands to debate the mission. If Harper thinks this little weekend getaway stunt will do the trick, he will be sorely disappointed on his return."

Harper as Bush's Poodle
"With secret prisons, vicious torture and the suspension of human rights under George W. Bush, Harper's trip can be seen as an extension of the neo-conservative American Imperialist strategy devised by the Jewish masters in London and Tel Aviv. This trip to Afghanistan not only puts our troops in danger, but it raises the spectre of terrorism on our soil. Desperate to please President Bush, Harper's trip has put all Canadians in grave peril."

Harper as Micro-Manager
"Harper's almost psychotic need to control every detail of his government has brought him to Afghanistan. Untrusting of the military planners, Mr. Harper has come to direct the troops as he sees fit. Untrusting of the soldiers, Mr. Harper plans to head out on a couple of sorties to eliminate some local Taliban threats. Needless to say, anyone who objects will be fired."

There you have it, national columnists, five slick ways to start your columns. Since I don't get paid a red cent for this crap, you'll have to finish the columns off yourselves.

Let's imagine we are in an alternate universe that is exactly like ours, except that George W Bush had signed on to the International Criminal Court. Here's how today's major news item would read:

In the Hague, languishing in an ICC prison, Slobodan Milosevic died. Officials are reporting it as a death by "natural causes" but have supplied little if no information to clarify that determination. Milosevic is the forth alleged Serbian war criminal to die in the custody of the American-led Internation Criminal Court.

Milosevic led Serbian through the turbulent days after the break up of Yugoslavia. Folk hero to many Serbians, the American-led ICC had demanded that he be put on trial for war crimes, without any clear evidence that he played a role in the uglier episodes of that country's recent past.

While the world waits for further clarification on his death, it is clear to many that Americans have decided to short-circuit these trials and deliver a new kind of justice necessary, American officials argue, for this new "war on terror". Meanwhile, George Bush's approval ratings continue to plummet as pressure mounts for a fully public autopsy.

For CBC news, I'm Chuckercanuck, Belgrade.

The NDP have decided, only recently, only after a case where they stood to gain politically from the outcome, that floor crossing into cabinet is an ethics breech. To fake consistency, they now want Belinda Stronach investigated for conflict of interest in switching. Presumably, this includes Paul Martin, to perfectly parallel the Emerson accusations and preliminary investigations. Bernard Shapiro has no choice but to begin his investigations. Ottawa's law firms are salavating that a contract just doubled in value.

Hey, Jack, I've got an idea on how to get more affordable housing built: we don't call an investigation everytime you blow your nose. We don't define ethics along your political calculations. To put it in your words: how many homeless people have you killed by doubling the costs of this Emerson investigation?

Here's some free investigative research to lower the costs on both investigations:

Neither in conflict or breech. A cabinet position is not a perk. Extra renumeration for extra work and responsibility. That's how life works. Even if you are a butt poor MP - a cabinet job is a real promotion. Not a title or a vacation in our Danish embassies. Let's play like cabinet does real, important work. Let's pretend that we Canadians have performance expectations from ministers. Perk? No. Work.

Don't waste your time on a single interview.

I can't remember if its today's NP or G&M that features a picture of Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae, together, with some caption about former college buddies now budding competitors for the Liberal leadership race.

In it, Michael Ignatieff is puckering up with his head directed in Rae's vacinity showing off the impish fun of a Trudeau-wanna-be; assuring us that with his bid we'll get a romantic cocktail of cloud-talk and outrageous behaviour. "Why wait for CBC's next Trudeau movie, I'm almost as exciting as Colm Feore," Iggy annouces with puckered lips. The only thing missing to make the picture perfect was the GG's rascal daughter. Three fun-loving scamps with serious policy ideas.

Chuckercanuck would have advised against such a picture. They have, both, removed themselves from serious contention. The picture does not present two possible Prime Ministers, but two guys trying to get you in Dockers and Volvos in pursuit of a 7% commission.

In fact, given the major news of the day, that the Canadian Tire Guy has been struck from our TV sets, I thought perhaps Rae & Iggy were being launched as the new "progressive" replacement to the Cdn Tire couple. The running gag of the commercials would be that of the two of them, the King of Deficits, Bob Rae, is actually the practical one. Iggy only plugs the merchandise that cleans bathrooms or curls hair on a camping trip. Bob is the one who has to pretend to have advice on deck building. Too bad it isn't, because that would have been a real slap in the face to Harper on same-sex marriage.

The race hasn't started, but the jokes have. Quit while your ahead would be Chuckercanuck's advice.

As an aside, Chuckercanuck stumbled onto another candidate by spying on Liberal bloggers like Calgary Grit: Gerard Kennedy. He is a minister in Dalton's government in Ontario. Not exactly a pole position, but people are damned enthused by him. I visited the "Draft Kennedy" website.

To quote the great Soren Kierkegard, "never judge a man by his website." And, this website is simply a fawning tribute to him, not his proper website. So, with that in mind, I'd draw your attention to two aspects of this Draft Kennedy website, creepiness and vacuousness.

Creepy - because his biography is basically a family genealogy set out to prove the breadth and depth of his Canadianness. The Liberal party's notion of nationalism is beginning to take on strange tones, if you ask Chuckercanuck. The website tells you one thing about Kennedy: he's more Canadian than any of us minnows.

Vacuous - the only promise of substance is the section "News/Speeches" by "News/Speeches" they meant "Leadership Press Releases". Not a single speech. Not a single thought. This of course, is done purposefully so that pundits can write about how deep he is. (They'll begin with: talk to Kennedy and...bullshit.)

The list of possible contenders is short and shortening. Scott Brison is gone as of yesterday. Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae have welded themselves to the yuppie boomer vote. Kennedy is yesterday's man needed tomorrow but running today. Meanwhile, back on the Liberal blogs, you see people bitterly infer that Belinda Stronach is "buying votes".

Admit this: Belinda vs. Stephen debates will be great television.

Yes, I stole the title from Andrew Coyne. From the Politics Watch website:

A Liberal MP says he is "extremely concerned" about a leak to the Globe and Mail that Liberal MP Scott Brison was interviewed as part of the RCMP's income trust investigation.

Wayne Easter, a Solicitor-General in the Chretien government, is now saying the RCMP should look into how that information got out to the media, whether it was politically motivated or if it came from the office of Public Security Minister Stockwell Day.

The RCMP is one of six agencies that reports to Day's department.

"The real issue here now is how could the minister of public security allow either out of his office or the RCMP's offices a leak that could undermine the credibility of a potential leadership contender," Easter said in an interview with PoliticsWatch.com.

I'm told Scott Brison is a savvy operator and a bright man. Truthfully, the only people who tell me this are Liberal sympathizers. But let's pretend they are right.

Does he realize this interview clearly indicates there are operators within his party who will make extraordinairy efforts to sink his bid for leadership? Wayne Easter - from the Chretien years, no? - wants everyone to think a little more about Scott Brison's email. He wants to make sure you and I continue to wonder and read with interest everything surrounding the emails. On the day of Scott Brison's leadership annoucement, he wants the first question to be about "Stock's leak of Scott's leak".

Oh yes, they play that hard. Its a pit of scorpions, except friendly cerberus, who wanders like St-Patrick in a snake field.

Of course, its cleverly disguised as an attack on Stockwell Day. In a scandal about a Liberal government leaking information, they lob the same - very serious - accusation at Stockwell Day only to divert attention away from an actual RCMP investigation into their government.

Here, its rather sad. They are wasting alot of ammunition on the government for entirely internal reasons. Later, when they will need them, they will find themselves out of bullets.

Two pictures of International Women's Day emerge for Chuckercanuck.

Full Disclosure to My Feminist Friends: McGill University, on Montreal Madame's urging, I took Philosophy with Feminism with Professor Deslauriers. One of the best professors I had (Aristotle with her too) - in either philosophy or engineering. But alas, after Mary Wolstencraft and Sojourner Truth - the whole thing sort of goes wanky, all the way up to the ridiculous Dworkin.

Picture 1. Whiny "Womens" groups pushing their agenda on the Prime Minister urging him to retain the Liberal childcare plan. Using a day to think about ALL women to lobby ob behalf of the interests of SOME women. And, when we are all honest with ourselves about the Liberal plans, we really mean VERY FEW women.

My wife works as hard as you. My wife works as many hours as you. And yes, I'll admit it, in my estimation, my wife makes more contribution to my community and civilization than you. She gets no recognition for this from the government: if I took a worse job at half my current pay and she went to work to replace the other half - get this, we'd have more cash in our pocket after taxes! That's discrimination if you ask Chuckercanuck.

Worse, she gets no recognition from these lobby groups who dare appropriate the title "Women's Groups".

Picture 2. Canadian soldiers in Kandahar guarding a gathering where women celebrated the event. I saw that - women shuffling comfortably and easily up to a nice building of new construction (a school? civic center?) - and thought, what a perfect image of our mission. Why are we there? That picture tells the entire story. Every soldier in Afghanistan is heroic and doing good work that will bear fruit for generations.

Here's where the stomach turns -

Those "women's" groups represent not women. They represent that ideology that now, with troops committed, deployed and engaged in a dangerous mission, thinks its the right time to debate whether they should be there or not. They raise these doubts without articulating a single good reason for having them.

Except one thing.

When the headline for International Women's Day is about the striking reversal of fortune for Afghanistan's women - the headlines won't be "women pushing for daycare".

And they tell me us neocons are evil.

Did you know the ethics commissioner makes something like $250,000 per year?

To investigate whether a millionaire took on a job for a $60k increase?

In light of this sobering contrast, I hereby nominate Chuckercanuck for the position of ethics commissioner.

Here's the pluses:

1. Willing to work at an 85% discount.
2. Track record, beginning in 6th grade, of turning reports in on time.
3. Will be corruptible, but only on a case by case basis.

Here's the minuses:

1. Extremely photogenic. Would steal the show in any photo-op.
2. Retains the liberty to lecture my compatriots about delusions on matters of ethics in political life.

References available on request.

His column today is a baffling mix of tedium and outrage. In a field of buts, ors, and on the other hands, Andrew Coyne ducks from offering any clear opinions on where he stands on the Ethics Commissioners’ newfound zeal for investigating floor crossers. Well, not exactly ducks, here are some categorical things he did say:

“it would be an irony, to say the least, if Bernard Shapiro were to lose his job over the one file, in his error-strewn career as ethics commissioner, he has got right.” (referring to an investigation into Emerson).

Now, Mr. Coyne finger wags like mad because he is a man of deep ethical convictions while us Harpermaniacs are unprincipled boobs who want to win at any cost. Justice, Mr. Coyne, is blind and even. Capiche? If Stronach is not investigated and Emerson is – you cannot call him right in the latter and wrong in the former. He is wrong on both. Justice is not served. This isn’t Texas in the 1820s, Mr. Coyne. We don’t run the country Taliban-style. It is an immense affront to the office of ethics commissioner to be so brazenly uneven with your investigations. That Mr. Coyne does not see this is an immense disappointment.

“But it is equally possible that Mr. Emerson was induced to cross by the offer of a cabinet post, and the perks and pay that go with it.”

Does Mr. Coyne believe this? Personally, I doubt it. Myself, I would never have been able, without feeling like a liar, suggest that Belinda Stronach crossed the floor for the extra cash in her pocket that a Cabinet position provides. Who are we kidding? To pretend that this is a possibility, given how wealthy these people were entering Parliament, is perpetrating a falsehood. Why Mr. Coyne would engage in this kind of shenanigan might have something to do with this….

“crossing the floor to the Conservatives – “the one day story” that, a month later, continues to haunt Stephen Harper.”

Mr. Coyne’s obsession with the Emerson affair lasted for days and he derives considerable pleasure counting how many days he’s been consumed by the greatest treachery every committed in Canadian politics. As we see in today’s column, to give the story legs, Mr. Coyne is willing to slap together a Frankenstein’s Monster of spurious suspicions and uneven justice.

Does it haunt Stephen Harper? I hope not. I hope he shrugs his shoulders and moves on to other things.

Does it haunt Andrew Coyne? Looks that way. Whereas Mr. Coyne hopes his columns frame the Prime Minister as some Belarussian dictator, they increasingly paint an unflattering portrait of the columnist himself. If this town needs a sheriff, it can’t be a man who slaps Liberal wrists and hangs Conservatives for committing the same “crime”. In stretching this “one day story” into a month long bonanza, the rust has accumulated on Mr. Coyne’s credibility, not the Prime Ministers.

It sounds like an ABBA cover band, but the tale of two apostate Tories chased into the comfy fur of Liberal hegemony hasn't a catchy tune or perfect harmonies. You won't jump to your feet and dance madly in your living rooms. Still, Belinda Stronach and Scott Brison have wiggled their way into our hearts by making Jack Layton look bashful.

Both these ex-Tories find their names at the top of leadership candidates lists being drawn up by keen Liberals (still two dozen around, apparently). Both are glamourous, solidly Martinite, and completely devoid of french skills. But sadly, one may have fallen...

Scott Brison's contribution to the RCMP investigation into the Income Trust Scandal is an email where the Public Works Minister assures a friend at CIBC in Toronto that this friend would be pleased with the latest government decision. At this point, Chuckercanuck doesn't see anything damning in a simple email, but it raises alot of ugly questions. Once links are made between the email and any trades, then look to abandon ship.

Still, how long will it be before Liberals realize they can't really have two ex-Tories, floor crossers no less, as serious contenders to the Liberal throne? Especially when the Chretien wing of the party can't figure out which of two college roomates should kick the can first. I'm sure a chunk of Liberals are at some oatmeal spa debating this very point while having their backs waxed.

In the PQ leadership race, lots of air time was devoted to cocaine use. Any time leftover was spent debating whether the referendum should be 30, 60 or 90 days after an election. Today, the party shows it: listless, paranoid, looking like a 1970s trade union from eastern Europe.

Will the Liberals spend their leadership campaign debating the Iraq war and fending off questions about the Income Trust scandal? I doubt it. Not with an election so close at hand. They must shut this story up quickly.

I'm sorry, Scott. This is the kiss of death. For the good of the Liberal Party, Chuckercanuck thinks you have to step aside.

The former Minister of Health, Ujjal Donsanjh, went into the Health Accord negotiations admitting that he's "not good with numbers." Today, he confirmed what many suspect, he's not good with much else. On As It Happens, Dosanjh led the Liberal charge for a parliamentary debate - er, well - not quite a debate, he called it a "dialogue", you know, one of those famous parliamentary dialogues that highlight our history.

He didn't explain, but my internet research confirms the following: a parliamentary dialogue is established by burning incense in parliament, dimming the lights and slipping all 5 CDs from TimeLifeWarner's Moody 60s anthology. Then, each MP gets to make a statement while holding the conch of dialogue.

The purpose of such an exercise, says the Liberals, is to feed the Canadian public who hunger for information about the nature and justification of our mission in Afghanistan. A poll told him so. Of course, if that same poll said the Liberals were at 21% nationally, he would wave it off and say, "polls go up and down, I'm not going to speculate." But in this instance, the poll, on that one question, got it right. Ujjall can feel it.

The dance of CBC journalist and Liberal bigwig is a delicate one so they traipsed away from the next obvious question, "well, sir, since you were in Cabinet at the time when the troop deployment was decided, let's cut to the chase and tell us what the rationale is?"

The former cabinet minister sat at a table with a prime minister who still leads his party and still sits in parliment. The former cabinet minister sent our troops - and instead of explaining why he did so, he spends his time calling for the new government to explain why.

Mr. Harper, I think our troops would benefit from a speech by you. When W speaks, his troops are lifted. You do not need the chamber of parliament to speak to Canadians. The people calling for this debate/dialogue are petty demagogues "milking every last political utter for what''re worth".

The Liberals, who sent the troops, shouldn't wait until parliament opens to launch their defense of the mission. In cowering from Canadians behind the new government, they demonstrate how risky government is in their hands. If a former Liberal cabinet minister wants to be a future Liberal cabinet minister, then he should spend every second of every interview explaining why he took the decision he made.

Paul Martin must be ashamed of these public mutterings and will no doubt be steaming back to Canada to defend his decision to put troops in harm's way from his Liberal colleagues. Carried away, sorry. Ujjal confirmed that the entire Liberal caucus remains committed to the mission. In their part of the dialogue, they have nothing contrary to say - always the basis for fruitful conversation. Again, if this is clear to them: let them defend the mission now, in the media, on their blogs.

Ironically, the political divide comes between the Liberals and their soul-mates: the NDP. On Afghanistan, perhaps the NDP/Liberal coalition that Balzebuzz and Belinda seek to craft will collapse. The NDP hint there is something they don't like about the Afghan mission. Its hard to really understand the NDP view of the world - so much of it has been blotched with the wax crayons that party uses to draw it up. But, pragmatic realism has been a basic feature of Liberal foreign policy - the last few years notwithstanding. Can these people really embrace the lunatic mix of isolationism and subservience to global government structures?

Or, perhaps the NDP and the Liberals are soul-mates, and the NDP are using the coincidence of increased Afgan danger and a new federal government to score some political points. Chuckercanuck will reserve making a judgement for the next few days to give Jack Layton, Bill Graham or Paul Martin to speak up. Lets have this debate/dialogue right now.

The ethics commissioner announced his intention to launch an investigation into the Harper-Emerson affair on the grounds of "conflict-of-interest". Before any comment on this announcement, some background:

Mr. Shapiro, appointed by Paul Martin, answerable to the Prime Minister, has been a disaster for a while. For instance, he would get investigated parties to proof read his reports. When he hired a law firm to investigate Judy Sgro, he hired the Liberal's most generous donor law firms. He described the sponsorship pilfer as the very clever enterprise of reasonable men. Ed Broadbent, while cross-examining Mr. Shapiro called him a disappointment. Mr. Shapiro blamed it on political naivete.

Mr. Shapiro ran McGill University, as its president. His brother ran (or still runs) Princeton. Is there a more political environment in society than a university? How credible is it that this brilliant scholar/administrator at the zenith of his working life can be so consistenly lacking in the skills necessary to get him atop the university food chain? There is a rupture point, a build-up of mistakes and mishaps that one person can no longer contain. Beyond, its just bullshit.

I fear the ethics commissioner is approaching such a rupture. Run for the noseplugs and look busy when they come with mops.

He has, in reports submitted as commissioner, dismissed floor crossing as part of the jostle of democractic politics. He was, when Belinda Stronach crossed, absolutely silent. The only case that triggered a latent interest in floor crossing was the Gurmant Grewal case. In other words, only when it hurt the Conservatives, did Mr. Shapiro pay attention.

Based on precedent and his own remarks, his report is a foregone conclusion: absolute exoneration for Mr. Harper and qualified exoneration for Mr. Emerson - at worst. The investigation is a make work project for underemployed Martin war room folks - "oops," he will say, "I didn't know this guy Herle."

Myself, I'd fire him with a letter of condemnation. As we saw with those blasted Danish cartoons, unknowing incompetence can still cause havoc and death. The moral arbiter of our elected officials cannot be an unknowing incompetent. The people who exercise this function must be beyond reproach, or else structural damage, long-term deep, results.

The ethics commissioner has been so consistenly awful that the position is as disregarded as the fancy hat commissioner. Interestingly, the fancy hat commissioner would weigh in on the ethics of the seal hunt. The ethics commissioner would not, on the principle that the seals were not parliamentarians.

Unlike the separatist flag-bearer, Andre Boisclair, Chuckercanuck is not edumacated at Harvard from the great minds of the day, like Belinda Stronach's deputy-to-be, Michael Ignatieff. This serves as warning that this spot may be blind to the grand and subtle scheme in Mr. Boisclair's political gestures; because from this vantage, Mr. Boisclair acts like the proudest creation of the dud factory. Thud, thud, thud, it's a dud.

Today, Mr. Boisclair held a caucus retreat in Shawinigan. A chance to poke symbollic fun with some minor orchestrated triumph in Jean Chretien's hometown. A chance to demonstrate leadership at the helm of his rowdy caucus. Mr. Boisclair would have none of that. Instead, he launched a tirade over the timing of a poll released by a consipracy of rabid federalists who own a chain of papers that includes La Presse and Le Soleil.

Needless to say, one doesn't launch a tirade over the timing of a poll unless one doesn't like the results. Mr. Boisclair made sure that an even wider audience would learn that PQ support is dropping and interest in sovereignty has mellowed. In so doing, he looks shaky and paranoid, accusing GESCA (the paper chain) of a conspiracy to rattle the PQ on caucus retreats.

Chuckercanuck adds that up to some serious damage, Mr. Boisclair. For you sorrows, some advice: drop the media conspiracy talk. I saw Hillary Clinton try that. It didn't work. Besides, Mr. Boisclair, you're no Hillary Clinton.

Note: as originally posted, the words bolded above were "rapid separatists". Not a single comment to correct this obvious mistake - first "rapid" makes no sense as a qualifier, "rabid" does. "separatist"? outside Quebec, that could slip by, inside Quebec - my anonymi who read this? Oh, brother. Obviously everyone just said, "next" once they read the title. Or, the entire mistake was evident and you all have learned to auto-correct the atrocious spelling as you read.

Those citizens that draw comfort from Fidel Castro's magnificent beard and lose nights in terror over Stephen Harper's agenda for Canada should sound the alarms because Chuckcercanuck sniffs a conspiracy proving Harper is a poodle of the Great Satan.

Last week, someone leaked to the media that preperations were underway for PM Harper to visit the troops in Kandahar. The intiial news generated alot of chatter and then questions about the wisdom of telegraphing such a trip dominated conversations. The basic question was: we know the enemy devours western media and such information gives the enemy time to prepare an assasination attempt.

Suddenly, live feeds from Kabul showed George W Bush making an unannounced visit with President Karzai.

Coincidence? While the enemy is looking at Kandahar and speculating on its possibilities during a future visit - the Great Satan drops in to visit Kabul. Its the kind of coincidence that friends tend to enjoy.

As the Canadian Forces move into Kandahar to establish peace in that region of Afghanistan, I was thinking of the Big O's last message, posted on some website and broadcast via all media soon thereafter. Now, with the turmoil ignited in the Muslim world by those culture-sinking Danish cartoons, something suddenly grabbed my attention:

to get his message out, the Big O uses the internet.

In fact, virtually every Islamist from the Big O to the great unwashed who cheered on 9/11, deploys some form of communications, transportation or military/industrial activity not only to improve their own lives, but to advance the cause of Islamist hegemony.

Without freedom of speech, it is difficult to have freedom of thought. And that includes science and technology. We cherish freedom of speech because there was a time when, for us, a thinker could not dare to lay down a science that had us circling the sun. Blasphemy! They shouted. House Arrest! They ordered. .

In his message, the Big O railed against the western plunder of Muslim wealth (oil). Still, he and his followers shamelessly plunder our wealth, technology; ironically, our wealth requires a condition they abhor: freedom of speech. As for their wealth, I think they understand that the day is nigh when we won't need to plunder it anymore - they can find some other plunderer to put up with their crappy customer service.

Canadian soldiers are the finest people, noble in spirit, courageous in action; they face a grubby army of wily zombies. Clever enough to look like a poor idiot before he detonates himself to images of Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon, this enemy is determined. Our most important ally in this mission, even more than the United States, are ordinairy Afghans. Given a choice between our soldiers and the disgraceful perversions of a civilization, ordinairy Afghans will choose our soldiers.

Andrew Coyne's column in the NP today reminded me of a well-known parable that I'd like to share with you.

One the third day of creation, Andrew Coyne looked at God with some contempt and said, "this is all you could manage in three days? Didn't you see my column where I prove you should have it all done by now?"