ChuckerCanuck 2.0

"Impressions form an Office in Downtown Montreal" features your fearless blogger in the aftermath of the election. Chuckercanuck shared his bench on the train without any discomfort, holding the National Post high as he read the gory details of a wunder-campaign. Everyone else looked glum and desolate, as if the government just announced sugar and butter rations. Chuckercanuck whistled up the streets, enjoying what turns out to be the warmest January in a century. Fellow Montreals, separatists and federalists alike, were united in bowed heads and mourning. It could 25 degrees and sunny, still, Montrealers would weep and wallow.

The heathen horde; the fanatical fools; the circus of conservatives has come to Ottawa to pitch their big tent and show their freaks and gimmicks. These tyrants are going to impose a socially restrictive evangelical moral code on all of us. At the same time, they'll make their rich masters ever richer. Meanwhile, women will lose rights. Meanwhile, minorities will become second class citizens living in a digital apartheid.

My friends, that whirling cloud of ideas took hold of Montrealers as they woke up to a Conservative government. Urbanites - as they think of themselves - for what is Calgary but an extremely densely populated rural area? Megapolites, perhaps is closer, to distinguish Toronto, Montreal and Vanouver's citizens from everybody else.

These woolly headed people, brimming with good intention and deep compassion, have shied away from the Tories because? Social issues have a heavy weight in their decision-making/prioritization process. How much does you party owe the government? Oh, but the Charter of Rights is very important to me. Forget the whole thing!

But there is a way to pierce the urbanite fortress with policy and action. By adopting an activist stance on environmental issues, a Conservative government unbundles the social issues that make it so unpalatable to the megapolite and create a reason to vote for them in the next election.

The low-hanging fruit of this strategy is that the Liberals carry a terrible record into the next election. Mulroney made giant strides, through the acid-rain treaty, where Liberal policies allowed Canada to regress. Any action on this file will get noticed and contrasted against Liberal inaction without any Tory handler nudging people that way.

Over the long-term, adopting a sensible and engaged environmentalist stance fits a conservative mindset very comfortably. There is nothing particularly leftst about clean air, clean land, clean water. Think China or the USSR. But there is something conservative in wanting to conserve the environment in a state prescribed by the non-human forces of nature. The environment should be a r ight-wingers issues.

Brian C. posted a thoughtful comment which I re-paste here as a means of getting some discussion going:


I agree with your proposal on green initiatives. I have voted green before. The Achilles heel of the Liberals was the 24% increase in CO2 emissions since 1990 so I'm surprised that wasn't picked up. Perhaps Harper thought that the less the 'Kyoto' word was mentioned the better.

My ideas.
1. Announce increased funding to the Sustainable Development Technology Canada (http://www.sdtc.ca) which supplies bridge financing for companies developing sustainable technologies.
2. Develop a plan to increase ethanol usage in gasolines. Brazil has been a leader in this.(http://money.cnn.com/2006/01/24/news/economy/biofuel_fortune_020606/)
3. Look at clean emission power projects such as this massive biomass project in B.C. and some reseach similar to FutureGen in the U.S.
4. Remove any special status for the auto industry.
5. Develop transit/rail strategies. Face it, if Alberta is the most resistent to some environmental initiatives, the conservatives will be able to work with the province to bring it onside in a way that the Liberals couldn't imagine.

Harperpalooza is days away and blogolia buzzes with cabinet speculation or leadership speculation. If given a choice between picking a cabinet and picking a new leader, well, I'm quite happy that my side is burdened with the former and not the later.

All the big cannons of the Liberal party have set themselves aside for this battle. McKenna and Manley have taken a pass. I've heard a dozen minor names splashed in the media to test market response. The results? Err. Did they say Jane Stewart? Okay. Why not get Elvis Stojko to make a run for it? He's a Canadian Champion. It worked for McCains. Glenn Murray?

To want this prize - leader of the Liberal party - you need to be young and patient. Your level of hunger must match the party's level of desperation. You must say to yourself: "I will shake a million hands over a million dinners before the next election." Then you must add, "And I will lose the next election." Anyone thinking 10,000 hands over 2,000 dinners plus a love for the journalists' microphones will do it is dead. Anyone who thinks they are the missing ingredient to a Liberal majority in the next election is dead. Those who enter the race for leader, must do so with those two facts dangling clearly before them.

My guess: Scott Brison or Belinda Stonach.

Scene 1.
Chuckercanuck sits in a peer's office that provides the same stunning view of Mt. Royal, Fletcher's Field and the land of Duddy Kravitz as Chuckercanuck's mahoganied version of cubicle land.

Chuckercanuck: Amazing eh?

Like-minded Facist: Unbelievable. I phoned my relatives up in Lac St-Jean.

Chuckercanuck: Blackburn's riding?

Like-minded Facist nods and smiles. (Blackburn won handsomely in Jonquiere. Non Quebeckers - this is separatist heartland, you see.)

Like-minded Facist: But your riding what happened there? (Chuckercanuck's dear hope, Andrea Paine, collected half the votes that Francis Scarpellegia won for the Liberals. Mr. Scarpellegia is a decent man which only mitigates matters somewhat).

Chuckercanuck: Cut me some slack. Not like your riding did any better. (It went Bloc). How's Misguided Communist taking it?

Like-minded Facist: Bad. Don't say anything. He really thinks the end of the world is nigh.

Chuckercanuck: Oh boy....

Chuckercanuck avoids Misguided Communist all day. He recalls, with some relish, how cocky Misguided Communist was at the beginning of the campaign: "Harper lost the whole election on the first day with his free vote promise. Dead!"

Scene 2.
Chuckercanuck ambles over into cubicle land to mix with the peasants as he does every day. Afterall, without them, Chuckercanuck would not get the necessary beauty sleep to that gives him the celebrity glow for which throngs of Canucks envy him.

Chuckercanuck: How are things, Irresponsibly Uncritical?

Irresponsibly Uncritical: Busy. I'm coming in on Saturday.

Chuckercanuck: That sucks. (Actually, Chuckercanuck did not feel badly at all. Everyone in cubicle land must suffer and struggle to reach mahogany row. There is no other way. As Chuckercanuck mother put it: "everyone shovels shit in life.")

Irresponsibly Uncritical: Yesterday, I thought you'd come in crowing. Too bad you had a meeting in Ottawa.

Chuckercanuck (with fake indignation): Crowing? Never. I'm not going to rub this incredible triumph in anyone's face! Even if I'm 73% of the reason why Harper is Prime Minister to be.

Irresponsibly Uncritical: Well, you're not going to be happy.

Chuckercanuck (face drops to seriousness): Don't tell me you voted Liberal?

Irresponsibly Uncritical: No. I voted NDP.

Chuckercanuck: NDP? Are you crazy? Listen, Irresponsibly Uncritical, I can't see how anyone doing this job could vote NDP. They are evil. Remember that whole "cancelled the corporate tax cut"? They don't give a frig about workers. They play lip service to it. That's all. Why didn't you vote Tory?

Irresponsibly Uncritical: I couldn't vote for a party that might ban abortion.

Chuckercanuck (making Krakatoa look like a minor eruption): Excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom where I will be puking violently for the next 20 minutes.

Scene 3.
A newly promoted project manager is moving his files into Chuckercanuck's old office. Ahh, the memories. This project manager has a master's degree in electrical engineering and is finishing off an MBA. But, he's from a very, very red part of town.

Et tu, Mr. Educated?: Chuckercanuck, these are your files, right?

(Chuckercanuck didn't exactly "empty" his office, he left the unimportant crap behind since he knew that office would remain vacant for some time.)

Chuckercanuck: Yup. Recycle whatever you don't want. (Oh right, we Tories aren't allowed to say 'recycle' that's a left-wing only word).

Et tu, Mr. Educated?: Happy?

Chuckercanuck: Of course! (Chuckercanuck shows Et tu, Mr. Educated? his new t-shirt with a big W-43 embroidered on it. Purchased last week at Ronald Reagan airport).

Et tu, Mr. Educated?: I don't get it.

(Chuckercanuck then lifts his mug with the presidential crest and words - "Kennebunk Port, Home to Two Presidents". )

Et tu, Mr. Educated?: Oh. (he chuckles politely, as he must to every joke I make). You know, Harper doesn't seem so bad. Its just the crazies in his caucus that scare me.

Chuckercanuck: Well, that's progress in my books. And let me warn you, you Liberal-loving freak - that "scares me" stuff is so 2005.

The amazing thing is that Et tu, Mr. Educated? is easily 6'-3" and 300 lbs. Nothing could possibly scare him. Yet, say the word "abortion" and he cowers in a rat hole like Saddam Hussein.

The End

Moral of the play: We have work to do. If you are a Harpermaniac as I am, then you will re-double your efforts to communicate conservative principles to any poor soul stuck listening to you.

Strategy proposal: We can nullify so-con fears by focusing on the environment. More on this later.

Andrew Coyne says everyone is a winner in this election.

He's right. Except for the Bloc. As much as they expected this election to be the dawning of Quebec's Age of Separatist Aquarius, the mass rising over the horizon is not the yellow sun but a tory blue tidal wave. But this tidal waves approach is timed by the Bloc itself. A quick fall to the government and the Bloc might only lose another 5 - 10 seats. A gaggle of Quebeckers in a clutch of ridings would switch to the Tories now seeing how close their riding was.

Waiting to chop down the government may offer more opportunity to rise, but to collapse as well.

Before that electoral faceoff, the provincial election land. I know, you're going to say you read that sauve Mr. Boisclair is waltzing his way into Mr. Charest's job. Let me respond: I have my doubts.

Fellow Canadians, yesterday's vote instructs us that a campaign matters. And Mr. Charest's numbers are not where Mr. Harper's numbers were at the start of this campaign. Mr. Boisclair is untested as leader in a campaign election up against a seasoned pro. He has once panicked under pressure; more than one and a trend develops.

The separatist mojo worked no magic yesterday. Seat count? Yes, they got 5 times more seats than the Tories. Impressive? No - they outpolled the Tories 4:3 and the seat count is one of those examples that proportional representation advocates will scream about for the next 4 years. If you win 1/3 more votes than me, you should win about 1/3 more seats than me. Not 5 times more seats.

That is a but an ugly detail of democracy - the topic is Gilles and his gang. If they share a defeat with Mr. Boisclair they will be as yesterday as bead doors.

This was a serious psychological defeat for the Bloc, not mortal but serious; the Liberals can take comfort in knowing they will be out theirein the spiritual wilderness with company.

Over the campaign, Stephen Harper tripled, perhaps quadrupled, CPC support in Quebec. Previous to these past few weeks, the Liberal-Separatist symbiosis would laughed us out of the arena because we didn't understand Quebec's values. The Bloc - invincible against the Grits - bandied about the fantasy that they speak for Quebeckers.

Little secret, dear readers from the rest of Canada: Quebeckers views on health care, national unity and american relations are closer to Stephen Harper's views than any of the leaders. Somehow, Harper pierced the arrogant Grit-Bloc duopoly's sound barrier and to find listening voters. (Note: Andrew Coyne and William Watson have roles as conservative purists, but the GST pledge created that audience).

In the final day of this stunning federal election, we see Gilles Duceppe sounding increasingly hysterical. He sounds so desperate, one might think he was a Liberal, just finished explaining adscam to 7,000 households in his riding.

This weekend, he is warning Quebec not to submit to Calgary overlords. In print. All over Quebec. I did not make this up.

This ad turns off federalists in Quebec. It reminds us that if Stephen Harper was from the West Island of Montreal, Duceppe would simply substitute Calgary for "l'ouest island de Montreal". The only kind of people we want running our governments, the Bloc suggests, are good ol' pure laines de Quebec. Maybe 100 family names gives you access to power: Tremblay, Veillette, Barette, Lauzon - you get the point.

The Bloc is fully jettisoning Quebec federalists in the final days of the campaign. Must be then that the Bloc's core support is leaking away to the Conservatives and they must now focus on defending that turf.

So, gentle allusions to ethnic nationalism are the way to go. I did not think I'd see Mr. Duceppe panic so quickly. These are brave, new days in Quebec.

Chuckercanuck's good friend Piotr Mendelov can read minds at great distances and with great precision. I offer you his insights on the various players in this election as the campaign enters the final weekend:

Jack Layton: This is going to really one-up those Grewals.

CAW Members: when does the union have a leadership review?

Paul Martin: I'm going to be responsible for losing to the most destructive right-wing extremist party ever elected in Canada's history. When catastrophe strikes, every miserable and suffering Canadian from now on will remember me as the guy who let it happen.

Scott Reid: (dreamily) A tale of two Scotties... (then his fingers fire away a clandestine message via blackberry)

David Herle: The notwithstanding thing confuses me. It focus grouped through the roof. Ah well, better luck with Volpe.

Gilles Duceppe: We are still the only party that speaks for Quebec's specific and homogenous view. We do so by translating the NDP platform and adding
", ostie!" to the end of every sentence.

Quebec, average Francophone: Oh, god - weren't we just as tired of Duceppe before the Liberals started talking about car bombs and bribes? I would enjoy sticking it to both of them.

Belinda Stronach: Well, the bedrock of my beliefs are conservative. I've had some differences with Mr. Harper, but as he said, he's evolved. I think I can better represent my consituents of Newmarket-Aurora in the Tory caucus.

Harper: Under no circumstances will Belinda Stronach be re-joining the caucus.

Michael Ignatieff: Maybe I should join my riding president and switch to the Tories before it looks opportunistic.

Jean Chretien - no thoughts - just a never ending loop of diabolical laughter.



'

Elections Canada has received a complaint. Blogging Tories are breaking the election laws of the country. You see, to control third party participation in an election, Chretien made it illegal for them to spend more than $150,000 in advertising and a maximum of $3,000 in any one riding.

Full disclosure, Chuckercanuck has invested a considerable chunk of change in this blog. To date, this blog has cost me $131,754.31 to run. I know, that's expensive but you don't get a Cadillac on a Pinto's budget. Yes, I have cashed my RRSPs and re-mortgaged my house to finance this venture. Is that a smart idea? No. My wife won't talk to me. Okay, maybe it isn't such a stupid idea - two birds with one stone and all that. But I have not surpassed my $150,000 limit for the election. Phew!

Who lodged said complaint? Some wankers who tried to start a "dump Harper" movement within the CPC. Jeez! If you guys are all so frustrated with Harper, start a swinger's club and watch that pent-up anger dissolve faster than Calgon could ever take you away... Do I think these "disgruntled" Tories are Liberal pests in disguise? Maybe. But I can't see Paul Martin stooping so low.

I don't need to tell you this, but it gives me great pleasure to type it up: if we were an insignificant factor in this election, no one would pay any attention to us. Fact is, we are the nerds of Canada; political junkies driven mad by the bullshit political discourse foisted upon us by the Liberal government, its NDP ankle-biters and its secret lover, the separatists of Quebec.

The goal wasn't to trigger an earthquake in the Canadian zeitgeist. That is a happy by-product. Nothing more.

In fact, many blogging Tories are sad to see Paul Martin go. To mangle Nixon, "we won't have Paul Martin to kick around anymore."

Basil Hargrove, union empresario and blue-collar hero, said some interesting things today in the company of a Prime Minister who would sooner man his ships with expatriates than find Buzz's union asking to negotiate a fair-wage contract.

I'll keep it short:

1. Stephen Harper is from Alberta. Ergo, he does not understand Canadian values.

Friends, you see, only Torontonians understand Canadian values. Only GTAers have a sense of the sweep of this country; its purpose and its manifest destiny. The rest of us are but simple peasants. Making due with the bits of crumb tossed to us by the generous, loving union bosses of southern Ontario. Praise you, Buzz - my simple mind cannot fathom the infinite fabric of this country. And I'm from Quebec. Imagine how difficult it would be if you were an Albertan monkey? I'm not sure, I'll do some research, but are Albertans really Canadian? I find Vermonters to be way more in tune with Canadian values than Alberta. But there I go trying to understand Canadian values again. Sorry Buzz. That's your job.

2. If you don't want Quebec to separate, then vote for the Bloc.

A-ha. Clever, clever. If the separatists win 50% + 1 votes in this election, they won't feel emboldened. They will taste defeat! Yes, defeat! How does that work? Actually, I don't know. Its one of those Canadian values that I just don't get - God, I wish I lived in Toronto where it would all become crystal clear.

Truth be told, the only reason the Liberals want him on the campaign is that it makes Paul Martin only the 2nd creepiest person around.

Chuckercanuck is now comfortably seated at the desk of his Marriott by Courtyard room - on the outskirts of Washington DC.

Flying into Ronal Reagan International Airport - if you haven't heard - is quite an ordeal. Aside from the regular security clearance, you are ushered into the gate waiting area one passenger at a time. Each passenger is given a second and complete inspection.

Over Washington DC, thunderclouds roiled as warm and cool air twirled mercilessly making the final descent one of the scariest Chuckercanuck has had to endure. (Chuckercanuck does not enjoy flying, so he tends to exagerrate the terror of turbulence. However, even his boss - an unflappable pro - found the descent a little scary.) Once we broke through the clouds, the approach to the runway was breathtaking: the Washington monument stands only a few hundred feet away; so was Watergate; the dome of the Capitol building stood prominently in the background. And, of course, the weather..... how civilized.

But you are here to read about the federal election. Where has Chuckercanuck been? Well, he abides by the dictum: "if you can't say anything nasty about the Liberals, don't say anything at all." Time to ease up and let the last pints of blood ooze from the stiffening corpse.

Don't believe me? Here's the conversation between Chuckercanuck and his boss - whom we will call Biker Man.

Biker Man: You're not a Liberal, right.

Chuckercanuck (everyone knows I'm the resident facist in my office): That's right.

Biker Man: You know, I've voted Liberal my whole life. But not this time. I expect anyone who reaches that level must have some intelligence. But the campaign they've run is a disgrace.

note: Chuckercanuck is quoting Biker Man verbatim. He said "disgrace" with a wrinkled nose as if he were smelling a young babies diaper upon the introduction of solid foods.

Chuckercanuck (uneasily, as it this whole Harper-bandwagon bit is new to him): Its been terrible.

Biker Man: Those ads. That had to be a joke. But you know what - change is good. The most important thing is that I want a majority more than anything.

Chuckercanuck responds with an astonished gasp.

Biker Man: There was a man of some authority on the radio and he pointed out that Paul Martin raided the CPP fund and provincial tax tranfers to cut the deficit.

That's right, Chuckercanuck's life-long Liberal boss now readily accepts the concept that even as Finance Minister, Paul Martin was a dweeb. And, he wants a Tory majority.

Now's a good time to be playing Bob Dylan because the times, they are a'changing.

In Quebec, Duceppe and Lapierre tag-teamed against Mario Dumont after the ADQ chief called on Quebeckers to vote Conservative. The two old Bloquiste comrades referred to Mario Dumont as insignificant (you know 20% of the vote, like, what's their name? NDP, oh yeah).

Who do you think Lucien Bouchard - political master of both Duceppe and Lapierre - sides with here? I think he's been rather lucide about it. I bet they'd tag-team him too - "useless man! so out of touch!" if they found out.

***

Last spring, Duceppe declined running for separatism's top Dog job: leader of the Parti Quebecois. Instead, he wanted to stay and fight the Liberals in the next federal election because, he claimed, they were two

The buzz goes like this:

If Harper wins a minority, Paul Martin's Liberals will figure the government has 18 months or less to live. That observation will lead them to argue with the remaining limp tissue of the Liberal Party that a leadership review in such a short time is too risky and they should stay until at least the next election before a new leader is chosen. And, the two flailing, failing parts will both seek an early election for opposite purposes. They will not give a frig' about the costs to the citizen.

****

Most Canadians are beginning to realize that Paul Martin's Liberals make a destructive contribution to Canadian politics. They use language and ideas in ways as dishonest as they are vain.

If Harper wins a minority, Paul Martin's Liberals will continue to drip their acid on the discourse - they will not go away. John Duffy and Scott Reid will continue to heap scorn on the way the ugly people like us live our lives. Paul Martin will float from summit to summit lecturing the world like a clown.

For this reason, I urge Quebeckers to drop the Bloc and the Liberals and vote Conservative.

Gilles Duceppe's ultimate goal is pathetic. See, the minute you widen the scope of the separatist project beyond its ethnic nationalist roots, it loses all sense and purpose. In the french debate, he said: we do things differently. For example, cegeps, CLSCs, blah, blah ,blah.

The idea that I would make a country based on the delivery of education and health services strikes me as, well, to quote Satan from the Cadbury Caramilk commericals, "not enough."

But Paul Martin's Liberals can't make this argument. They agree with the Bloc: a nation is defined by its social services. The difference between a separatist and Paul Martin's Liberals is whether the same crap happens in Quebec City or Ottawa. Don't believe me? Go ask Jean Lapierre.

The Bloc is not a useful contributor to federal government and Duceppe amounts to little more than Oscar Wilde after two martinis. So why bother? Why must we prolong the Liberal/Bloc symbiosis any longer? And worse, it just keeps Paul Martin's Liberals around longer.

We all need a Tory majority to get the Liberal party back on a path of rebuilding as soon as possible. The situation is hurting all of Canada; turning partisanship ugly and hateful. Our international image suffers too, eh?

Paul Martin's Liberals showed their swift response to corruption within their party by dumping a BC candidate accused of attempted bribery by an NDP candidate.

(Note: I'm not sure what the proof is - too bad the NDP candidate didn't have it on tape!)

Let me ask you - was this reaction fashioned from core beliefs? Or, was Harper's reaction to an equivalent situation the day before a clear and present precedent to follow?

Before the election - sometime around spring. I remember Inky Mark making an allegation like that. And Reg Alcock said something about how the Liberals wanted genetically superior caucus members.

I also remember how Mike Harris' favorite in the Tory caucus bolted to the Liberals. Paul Martin was so happy, he instantly named her Minister of Democratic Adjustments, Skills, Human Resources, Complicated files and Magna. But that wasn't bribery.

I remember a fellow... ohh, something about tapes. Oh, yeah: Germant Grewal taped conversations where Ujjahl Donsajh and Tim Murphy sort of kind of make a plum position offer in exchange for defection. The "Independent" Ethics Commissioner - Bernard Shapiro - is still investiganting Comfy FurGate.

But Mr. Dosanjh is STILL A CANDIDATE! The allegation didn't bother Paul Martin then. Tim Murphy? Still around. Again, in those days when Harper was Canada's Pol Pot bulging from a cowboy suit, bribery allegations, taped at that, were just drive by-smears.

How times change, eh?

For liberals like Hillary Clinton, it takes a village.

For liberals like Paul Martin's Liberals, it takes an election.

As we all know, Paul Martin is the Aristotle Onasis of Canada - he took a small shipping business and turned it into a colossal corporate empire that operates well beyond Canada in such business hotspots like Liberia and Vanuatu. So, when a man with that kind of acumen talks business strategy, well, we'd all better listen closely for the Warren Buffet-like gems that he'll spew.

Ask him who Canada should prepare to compete against and he rattles off his two favorites: India and China.

And his strategy? Oh, that's simple: to really whip them, we should take our tax dollars and spend it on them. That's what we do - we forked over $50 million in foreign aid to China last year.

Basically, we said - "hey, you know that manned mission to space you're launching, Mr. Chairman of the Communist Party of China? Well, send the bills to Canada - we're happy to pick up the tab."

Now that's smart business. That's why he de man. Myself, I think its brilliant - so at the next Bank of Montreal shareholders meeting, I plan to step up to the mike and offer my plan for how we will take on giants like the Royal Bank and CIBC: we should hand over our dividends to those companies. I also plan to send a cheque to Wal-Mart because I figure that will help Canadian Tire compete. I urge Canadians who want to see Canadian retailers compete with Wal-Mart to do the same: send them some foreign aid.

Maybe we should just move softwood lumber duties into the "foreign aid" category and we can say its being done to compete with the US.

In a tent in the Lybian desert, Paul Martin met with the Khaddafi and...

who knows. he wouldn't say.

Paul Martin's Liberals vote with Lybia and Iran on anti-Israel resolutions in the UN on an almost daily basis.

But Paul Martin won't tell us about his secret meetings with Iran's Mullahs to plot anti-Israel strategy.

If he wins, it will put a smile on the face of every member of the Mullah-cracy in Iran.

Well, at least somebody will be happy, eh?

Choose your Canada!

Paul Martin alleged today that Tory caucus members made solemn declarations to ban abortion, install capital punishment, outlaw homosexuality and declare pork rinds an important part of a balanced diet.

Normally, I would laugh this off. But, I must make a confession. I am one of those people who've sold their soul to the extreme right-wing of America.

(aside: what is the extreme right wing of America? Judge Roberts and George W Bush? Or is it those fellows that, previous to 9/11, were responsible for the worst terrorist atrocity in US history?)

Anyway, now that Paul Martin has called me on my pledge to the Great Satan's most diabolical forces, I make it public, in its entirety:

I, Chuckercanuck, do solemnly swear to undermine civil rights, create a police state in Canada and get tough on drugs. I will work to keep immigrants out of my country unless they are white. And even then, they can't be from Eastern Europe. I will endanger more species than ever before. Especially the mosquito and squirrel. I will outlaw compact cars and hybrids. I will repeal speed limits and encourage idling.

(now, the following is the stuff I had trouble stomaching, but millions of dollars in illegal campaign financing hinged on it.)

I will end every sentence with "Praise the Lord." I will pronounce liberal as a two-syllable word with Texas twang: Lib'rall. And, I will eat copious amounts of American-made beef jerky.

You realize, this shadowy group of ultra-extreme-hyper right wing extremely extremist nutbars will likely kill me for spilling the beans.

But, my readers deserve to know the truth.

I think if you want to launch a discussion of strengthening the Charter of Rights one day, you should hold off on the attack ads and debate the issue.

Its a massive and complex debate that deserves considerable discussion. For the first time ever, Martin has the headlines on an issue.

A real issue.

This hasn't happened before.

So what does he do with that? Goes on his rhetorical warpatch with Hollywood-style fearmongering. To me, that's pathetic.

Hey, Paul Martin's Liberals - how do you expect to govern if you win, talking to us this way?

Rick Mercer has a blog. I won't link to it, because he and Bono are Liberal hacks. Neither get a link from me.

In the blog, he's posted a list of his version of the Tory cabinet with quotes from each of the potential ministers. Needless to say, it extremely unflattering stuff.
And not very funny: he's pretty openly hostile.

The timing of this post coincides with a slew of Liberal attack ads. Purely by chance, of course. But you can see how it has the whiff of a concerted effort.

Rick can say what he wants as a citizen. But, this is career-killing as a comedian. He's using his talents for a 13-year old regime that is, if not outright corrupt, brazenly dishonest and immoral. What an ugly little man.

Worse, shouldn't he have some modesty - after becoming the government's spokesman for Kyoto? The government hired him as a spokesman and then he in the election he starts shilling for the Liberals?

Curious:
how was the contract awarded to Rick Mercer for being one-tonne challenges spokesperson? does anyone know how that would work? how arm's length is the bid process? who else was auditioning for that job -- Mike MacDonald? Scott Falconbridge?

To great lines that will echo in the history of Canadian debates, both from the Prime Minister:


"aboriginals - uh - uh - are the root causes of proverty"

(on children)

"you don't go throwing money at the problem"

(yes, Frances and Rosemary are a problem.)

If you didn't watch the debates, well - lucky you. Did Harper squeeze by? Yes, without trouble. He has a substantial intelligence and communicates concepts very well. Layton is a dangerous man; Duceppe - hardly less arrogant than Martin himself.

Did someone lose? Guess what kind of outcome Mr. Brinkmanship engineered?

Either he lost or we all lost.

His insta-pledge tonight was this: he will withdraw the Not Withstanding Clause.

That's parliaments power to over-rule the supreme court. He says he wants to make the court supreme over politicians.

Democracy is at stake, so lets be clear:

Paul Martin as Prime Minister wants the Power to Appoint a Supreme Authority in the land - free of parliamentary approval - that cannot be overruled by parliament.

Maybe this is just a desperate pledge made in the final weeks of a regime's melt down. Maybe Paul Martin's Liberals don't really want to do this but it sounds catchy and evokes same-sex marriage.

If that is the case, this is the most malignant, grasping campaign ever executed that threatens to seriously debase our institutions and make a mockery of our nation's history.

Or maybe this is the real, unmasked pledge. Maybe they've been planning to spring this on us all along.

If so, this is what makes beer & popcorn so scary. The PMO will henceforth appoint a Supreme Authority that has final say in this country - not even parliament can intervene. A branch of government once held apart, now joins the comfy fur of the PMO. Together, they will work for diversity. Together, they will define diversity. Together, they will enforce diversity.

Canada - call it North America's Iran.

The best Liberal minds have spent the past 3 days tabulating Tory promises and determined that they will create a $12.4 billion deficit over the next five years.

This is part of the lamest attack campaign ever mounted - well, I suppose it never gets as far as a successful mounting - in Canadian election history.

My counsel, as usual, is to ignore the silly calculations from the law students that make up the Liberal camp and focus on the big picture:

For 10 years, the Liberals - Paul Martin specifically - have failed to project the budget deficits/surpluses of their own plans, even over a 6 month period! They have never been within $3 billion of the mark and often end up somewhere close to $10 billion off the mark.

We are always surprised - no, staggered, by the size of surplus. Budget day, mini-budget day, economic summit day, save-my-ass day, leak-day: always a shock - no one ever knows what the surplus will be.

And now, they have the gall to report what the deficit will be OVER 5 years for the not yet fully announced Tory Plan? Maybe if they got their own projections right - just once.

Sorry, boys, but that's so 2004.

Mr. Harper, I submit a few suggestions on how to approach Gilles Duceppe in the upcoming french debate. It appears that Quebeckers - particularly francophones - are contemplating un beau risque and switching to you.
So, if I can help, I will. And, because of Blogolia, I don't have to clutter your inbox with my ramblings.

"You don't speak for Quebec."

Point out the percentage of Quebeckers who don't agree with the Bloc's platform. Site many examples. The biggest, of course, is independence on which more than half the population said NO, twice. Point out that the Bloc does not represent Quebeckers who vote for any other party than the Bloc. Demolish the concept that the Bloc represents Quebec.

"Fiscal Imbalance solved, Bloc Dissolved"

The Bloc itself is endorsing the original concept of confederation as the fathers imagined it. To say, Ottawa doesn't respect provincial jurisdiction, is implicitly accepting that Quebec is a province; that, as a distinct society, all it needs is respect for the terms of confederation to be happy.

By lovely coincidence, Harper's plan solves the Bloc's complaints. So, a Harper government is what Duceppe has been asking for. The need for the Bloc no longer exists once Harper is elected.

"I need Quebec MPs in My Cabinet but so do you"

Remind Quebeckers that its important to have Quebec voices in a federal cabinet. It is as essential to Quebec's interests as anything the Bloc Quebecois can offer in that regard.

You need Quebeckers, because its important to have Quebec in your cabinet. Not just to represent Quebec's interests in all decision making - that's crucial, to be sure. But in foreign relations and trade or energy and resource policy, to name two, Quebec has skills and expertise that benefits all Canada.

I think you can set Duceppe's campaign into the same shambles you've set the Martin campaign. Not that either can't turn things around on you - each team is highly skilled. But, Duceppe and the Bloc are just as arrogant as the Liberals when you scratch the veneer of their too-cool campaign.

Friends - pick up any french paper, turn on any french newscast.

One name. Harper.

Around the water cooler? One name. Harper.

Martin?
"Hasn't he retired to his farm?"
"No, he's still Prime Minister. He's running as leader of the Liberals in this election."
"Really?"
"Yup. And if you catch me running around like that when I'm his age - strap me to an Adirondack chair, will you? Oh, and face me to the lake."

Duceppe?
"He said the same-sex marriage issue was settled. In the past."
"Sorry, did you say Quebec independence was settled?"
"No, same-sex marriage."
"Oh. But independence?"
"Two referendum votes can't decide an issue like that."
"Hey, if human rights are so important to the guy, so inviolate, why can 50+1% of Quebeckers take my country away from me?"
"Because, your citizenship isn't a human right."
"But if it isn't a human right, why's he so bugged about getting a new country?"

Why is astronaut Marc Garneau a "star" candidate? Just for the corny word play in it all? Or is it for clever insights like this:

"I believe there are a lot of sovereigntists who have not worked it through till the end," Garneau said Wednesday. "It's a little bit like the Unites States going into Baghdad. It happened very quickly, but what after that?"

-- said yesterday.

Let's focus only on what's stupid in this insight. Nothing in Quebec is happening quickly. The whole thing started before I was born - for craps sake. All the artists and intellectuals and lazy sloths of Montreal's cafes have been thinking about this very point for decades. Oh yeah, remember how Parizeau had a whole plan developed for the day-after a 1995 "YES"????

That stupidity comes only from an intellectual arrogance that never wastes the time to double check its thinking. Tellingly, Mr. Garneau once quipped that governments shouldn't waste their money on mentally handicapped people when they could be sending him back to space.

Chuckercanuck is fond of this country. Included in that country, are the disaffected Quebeckers who vote with the separatists. They're a fun bunch of people with enormous creativity and ingenuity. The country is better with them.

Paul Martin's Liberals, in the form of stars like Marc Garneau, will never find purchase in Quebec because it sounds too much like the Roman Catholic Church that Chretien's father once defied. 70 years too late, with Duplesis-style corruption to boot.

Mr. Garneau explained away his Iraq-war comparison by saying he's just passionate about Canada.

If that were true, he'd be running in Vaudreuil-Solanges...... as a Tory.

Paul Martin's Liberals have a strategy on post-secondary education funding. Interesting though - it didn't involve assymetrical, side-dealing with provinces in order to intrude on their jurisdiction. It didn't involve funding the institutions through R&D support or whatever.

Nope, it was direct support to the student.

This is an entirely new approach for the Liberals to take - they haven't considered this direct support model until the CPC released their childcare plan.

Reasonable, then, to assume that if they could re-write their childcare plan, they wouldn't have fiddled with the federation through assymetrical federalism and just supported the citizen directly.

So a Harper minority will work well with a Martin Opposition because the Liberals are quick and open pupils.

(ps, the most direct support is tax cuts of all kinds).

I'm wobbly with the woozy romance of Paul Martin's Big Speech.

I'm reminded of his coup-speech at his coronation where Bono fell from grace and mucked about in Martinite mud. He started that speech in a mix of Jiminy Cricket and the kid in Old Yeller. He rhapsodised about the wonders of flying first-class over Canada at 35,000 feet. He even described Canada's beauty while flying over it at night.

Trust me - I've flown Mtl-Atlanta, Mtl-Chi-Salt Lake, Mtl-Dallas-San Antonio, Mtl-Pittsburgh, Mtl-Minneapolis - at night. Canada and the United States look identical at 35,000 feet at night. Yet, here's this Liberal telling me how gorgeous Canada looks at night at 35,000 feet. And I think, what a phony - this is not good for my country.

After all this time, from mild disappointment to teetering catastrophe, he begins his first speech of 2006 by calling it Act 2 of the election. The speech ended there for me.

Who cares what he says after that. Is there really a serious thinker in the country who might want to parse what the Prime Minister says? Stop laughing. I'm sure everyone would agree I didn't miss anything by tuning out at the words "Act 2".

See, unfolding before us is the raw materials for a great work of theatre - a tragedy of epic proportions where a man rises to the height of power and, of course, falls on his own tragic flaw to mess of broken hearts, dreams. Not quite MacBeth. Not quite King Lear. But the central figure is as complex as he is imperfect - therefore fascinating. (As is the ghost who haunts him - his predecessor. )

Paul Martin calls this "Act 2". Even he knows this is a tragedy in the concluding phase of the story. The audience saw the rise part - he wanted you to know the fall part is next. Oh, I know he means specifically "Act 2 in the election". But that's a bit like admitting you got your ass whopped in Act 1.

Somewhere an enterprising ShakespeareCanuck is making up story boards to pitch this story. Maybe it will even win the Tory Takeover of Canadian Film Sweepestakes. But, to make it a winner, you have to do what the Bard did: throw in some violence and some tawdryness. That, my friends, gives the story mass appeal.

Perhaps my pick for a word that should be dropped from the lexicon of Canadian political life. To me, the word has no meaning.

Its like how a lobster was once a lobster, but with boiling, cracking and dipping into clarified butter, it is no longer, really, a lobster. Fear has been boiled, cracked and butter-dipped beyond recognition.

No one can be just "against" a policy. No one can just list reasons or make arguments why a policy is bad. No, they want to share their emotional state with you and the world. "That idea scares me," they say - almost weekly on cross-country check-up for example.

Do they really mean it? Are they actually scared? Imagine, the guy who just called Rex Murphy will spend the night cowering in his panic room, terrorized by the invasion of the flat tax. Or the woman who wrote into the Gazette, "terrified", about a free vote on same-sex marriage. How did she sleep last night? My guess: just fine thanks.

Odds are, they aren't scared at all. They toss out the words to shame their opponents into silence and stifle the debate. The word is a club-like weapon.

Also, they do it to claim a moral high ground - clearly, if I am scared of my opponent's ideas, then I am Bambi and my opponent, Pol Pot. How dare you suggest something that scares me - how extreme of you!

Guess what. Assume I'm scared of you and your ideas. I don't need to hear about it from you, and you won't hear it from me. (Still, tonight, when I hear some noise on the first floor, I won't be checking it out. I'll be too scared that it might be your womb-to-tomb government programming finally here to get me!)

We've squeezed the word "fear" dry. It deserves a dignified retiremenet. I suggest a senate appointment.

So the new polls tell one interesting story:

Tories were at 7%, now at 12% in the polls in Quebec. Needless to say, Stephen Harper has articulated only what "confederation" means. It has traction here and the french debates can offer Mr. Harper a doubling of support once more.

In the next debate, I hope Mr. Harper treats Mr. Martin like a discredited, threadbare handbag - and goes after Mr. Duceppe almost exclusively.

On same-sex marriage, Mr. Duceppe made a monkey-brained mistake by denouncing a free vote. He said the issue was settled and behind us. The nation laughed because we all recognized the paradox he's boxed himself into. So, is sovereignty - subject to two votes - settled and behind us?

Then, you have Mr. Duceppe's "fiscal imbalance" battle cry. Every time he shouts it - uh-huh, Mr. Harper says: "I will solve it."

Of course, the right-wing lunatics of Quebec are finally getting some media attention and that can't hurt. Maybe in the wrong provinces, but hey - we'll take it.

[warning: shameless self-promotion follows]

UPDATE: what's supposed to follow is a scan of an article in the Toronto Sun where Chuckercanuck's blog is excerpted as part of their "Best of the Blog" roundup. It was fun, ego-puffing stuff but alas, I can't spend the rest of this morning trying to upload it my blog. You'll just have to trust me.