ChuckerCanuck 2.0

Dear Claude,

This letter is pure me. I didn't get a staffer to write it - I didn't even let Jim Traverse take a look at it before I sealed it with wax, tied it to my pigeon and sent the bird your way.

So, tomorrow's the big day. Gomery's going to pile it thick on Jean and Alphonso - those baffoons. That will teach them for messing with my destiny. I, of course, never knew anything about the sponsorship. Jean never trusted me with Quebec. He's probably right on that: notice how insiginificant I was in the 1995 referendum? If you don't remember, watch Breaking Point and you'll see that Bryan Tobin did more for Quebec federalism than me, the no. 2 in the federal government and most senior minister from that province.

Heck, I didn't even know what you and your super-sexy wife were up to. Shame on you!

No, me and Stephane Dion knew nothing. David Anderson knew about it. Other guys in cabinet knew about it. But Stephane and I were always obsessed with our parcheesi game that we never really paid attention in cabinet meetings. And Jean was so fucking complicated - you know, he thinks the same thing one day as he does the next? WTF????

Anyway, I want to thank you for your help over the past year. You're a true friend. Ooops, I mean, you're a true stranger. Ha!

I've got lots a pokers in the fire, so I will leave it at that. Say hi to your wife and when you do, follow it up with Homer's drooling trance - that's how I get whenever I see her (which is never, as she too, is a complete stranger).

Yours most strangerly,

Paul

Just about 10 years, I skipped classes with all my friends and congregated with 50,000 others on Dominion Square to protest against Quebec separation and in favour of a united Canada.

Like most people, I went of my own volition and on my own dime.

Now, Andre Boisclair says that if he were premier during a referendum, he would exercise powers to deny my right to demonstrate. How far would he go? "Just watch me," he taunts.

Mr. Boisclair, you really think you can stop me? What have you been smoking?

In the last election, during the 1 english debate, Paul Martin declared Stephen Harper a threat to the rights and freedoms of all Canadians.

Now, in this era of security certificates and shipping off undesirables to Syria for torture, should the leader of our nation use those accusations so flippantly?

Do you really think he takes anything seriously? (except his re-election and the menu at 24 Sussex?)

If Harper is such a threat - issue the certificate, send him to Syria and let the good ol' boys of Damascus work him over so he finally spills his hidden agenda.

ps. Mr. Martin, you're a threat to our collective sanity. I will be sending goons with butterfly nets after you, shortly.

Dear Condi,

A short review from your biggest fan up here in Canada.

To see you greeted by our GG was nice. You had to go through a senate confirmation hearing. Her? Not so much. You actually have power in the world. Her? Not so much.

Then, you endured the pain of having Pettigrew refer to you by your first name in public. Ouch! I'm sorry. We all know you wouldn't go near that greasy cretin if protocol did not require it. Maybe his chauffeur left you with some security tips (or at least who serves the best cafe in Paris).

Dinner with Paul Martin. Bet you ate well - even if the menu was some silly, contrived "made in Canada" type deal. Let me ask, who was a better conversationalist around the table: Paul, Sheila or Jim Traverse?

Next, Susan Bonner of the CBC interviews you. I really like Susan Bonner. She's tough and smart. She doesn't play Liberal lap dog. I think you noticed this because there was real chemistry between you. My favorite part? She asks if you're going to run for president (which you will, by the way). You say, "no, I'm want to devote my life to advancing freedom throughout the world."

See, I believe you. Most of us in Canada don't. We only believe what Hollywood tells us and they say you're bad, bad, bad. Ironic, I know, that Canadian anti-americanism is defined by, well, flippant Americans. But it is.

Anyway, how did you handle softwood lumber? You were as hard as nails. And those nails are being driven into the softwood coffin of the Liberal government. Thank you. And Thank you George Bush for seeing how wonderful you are.

I know this is a few days late, but I'm being inundated with emails from across the world about the exciting project called: "Tory Takeover of the Canadian Film Industry".

Anyway, so Svend is going to run against Hedy. Of course, 1000 jokes could be made from this.

Instead, I'd like to focus on the National Post editorial response. They said, they would never want to urge people to vote for Hedy Fry, but under these circumstances....

Let me get this straight. This newspaper wants to own the conservative subscriptions of the nation, right? Instead of saying: Boffo opportunity for the Tories as the left is split between a bigotry-alarmist and a jewel thief. Nope. They don't even consider a Tory candidate in Kim Campbell's old riding. To them, the only game in town is NDP running a thief and the Lieberals running a nut.

Hmmmm... how much am I forking out to the Asper dynasty for this crap?

Hello friends, a couple of items that might pass you by:

Item 1. Franco Nuovo, columnist par excellence in La Belle Province, called Bouchard "a whore" on Saturday. Still no controversy. Remember Belinda? When I went on CBC after the Belinda treason, they asked me how terrible using such a word is. But, when applied against Bouchard - its okay. Why? Because promoting right-leaning thinking is "whorish". CBC, I'm waiting for you to condemn Franco Nuovo.

Item 2. No. 3 Mayoral Candidate in Montreal, Mr. Bergergon, wants 250 km of light rail on the island. Nice idea. Too bad he adds, "Houston and Dallas are doing it - and we are certainly a more advanced people than them."
-- good to see bigotry is still alive and well in Quebec. Why are we more advanced than Texans? Fewer blacks and latinos, perhaps? You'll have to ask Mr. Bergeron what he meant. Certainly, the CBC won't.

If this was a leftist blog, you would expect some overlong exposition of how sinister executives in Canada's film industry have secret ties to the neo-conservative cabal in the United States. Lots of talk about exclusive golf clubs and shared vacation destinations. The kind of thing that gets the average Canadian whipped into a terrified frenzy.

No, this blog is here to set out the strategy that will enable the right to seize control of a critical tool for propaganda: Canada's film industry.

Okay, stop laughing. Everyone can agree that Canadian films, actually english Canadian films, don't matter. Hardly anyone watches them and no one likes them, except the relatives of the industry's workforce. But this is precisely why it will be soeasy to take over.

The audiences are so pitiful for english Canadian movies that the government remains a vital source of funding. Even a governmentas fiscally diarehtic as Martin's Liberals can only support so much and these limits prove to be the ultimate constraints on the existing industry.

If Conservatives made Canadian films that people actually wanted to see, then conservatives could fund their part of the film industry entirely through ticket sales - thus freeing itself from the limitations of government funding. The key here is making movies people want to see.

Films made in english Canada currently fall into three basic genres: tragedy, historical tragedy, and youth-oriented tragedy. When the plot doesn't spin on a busload of dead school children, its about the risks of coal mining at the turn of the century or how traffic accidents on the Don Valley Parkway induce Torontonians to group sex.

But our films - Conservative films - will be fun to watch! It will be a revolution in the Canadian
film industry: films people enjoy watching. Films with aliens, zombies, escapees from the local mental hospital on a stormy night with no power. Movies about charming hackers and gigolo grifters.

Above all we will abide by the two-rule code of popular film:

Rule 1. (and its male corrolary) Unless the character is necessarily an ugly person, cast the knock-out.
Rule 2. Never use a script with ugly people as characters.

If we make movies that people will want to watch, then suddenly, Canadian movies will become potent propaganda tools at our exclusive disposal. Time to put out the collection hat to finance our first blockbuster.

More to come...

Boy, skip town for a couple of days and you sure do miss stuff....

Anyway, I wanted to comment on the Dingwall massage in Thailand -

From my days in the mining industry, I can assure you, if we were ever to delve
into the expenditures of CIDA, we'd find that our tax dollars go to a lot worse than
massages in Bangkok.

I'd like to know how much he spent on that massage - anything more than $10 and
the tax payers are getting doubly bilked!

More on Gomery today.

So, the whole plot hinges on the ignorance of Stephane Dion. He didn't know anything about the sponsorship program - thus all of cabinet are forgiven.

What a package. Let me share a few of my misgivings.

First of all, Dion is ignorant of a lot of things that happen under his watch. This summer, Jean Lapierre annouced that the government no longer supports hybrid technologies as a means to reduce greenhouse gases. Isn't Kyoto Dion's file? Why is Lapierre issuing this decree as it is intimately related to Kyoto?

When the Liberal plan to meet our Kyoto obligations is revealed to be an expensive fraud (east-west power grid - yikes that's dumber than spending $100M to make a Maryah Carey movie), Dion will get to say he didn't know about most of it and on reflection, he thought a lot of decisions were stupid (e.g., Canada shits on hybrid technology).

Second - what a load of bullshit that Dion didn't know. If he didn't, he's pretty much useless as a cabinet minister. In 2000, the Liberal policy architect sent a letter to Paul Martin urging him to look into rumours of corrupt practices on the sponsorship file.

From that, we know the Liberals had this rumour swirling around since 2000. But Dion didn't know anything about it. A policy wonk knows about it. A cabinet minister doesn't. Hmmm.....

(Also, Paulsy didn't do anything about the warnings, did he?)

I've said it before, bullshit will be the death of this country.

So, its Jim Travers with the scoop on who Gomery will slam in his November report.

And what does he tell us:

1) Rogue elements close to Chretien get slammed.
2) Martin gets a clean bill of health.
(Because it is normal for a guy to get a staffer to write a letter to a stranger saying how sexy his wife is. And let's not get started on that letter sent to Martin in early 2000 about the sponsorship waste from the policy director for the Liberal party.)

Now, if it was Chantal Hebert with the scoop, well, that would be one thing. But instead, its a guy with more connections in 24 Sussex than Paul Martin's home computer.

The worrying thing: Was Kinsella right? Is Gomery just another Martinite out to ruin Chretien's reputation? Will Gomery be able to demonstrate any distance between his report and the Martin line?

Okay, so this morning on CBC radio, they told us the story of some professor (I doubt he's part of a faculty of engineering...). This professor is upset because there's no income tax deduction for alternative medicines (e.g., dried up whale penis). He calls it religious bigotry since Bhuddists use alternative medicines as part of their religion (you get sick when you are not aligned with nature). He's suing the federal government for compensation because he spends $5,000 per year on nutritional supplements.

At first, I thought this was crazy, but then I realized that my own culture has similarly alternative medicines that get no credit here in Canada. Irish Whiskey is well known for its curative powers. It can:

1) Cure depression.
2) Erase bad memories.
3) Relieve stress.
4) Helps alignment with nature - Irish style.
5) kill bacteria.

So, I'm jumping on this band-wagon. Irish Whiskey is the alternative medicine that doctors and pharma-giants don't want you to know about.

As promised in the above post, here are the press releases:


NEWS RELEASE

Lac-Saint-Louis M.P. applauds new federal energy package;
repeats call for reducing personal income taxes

Ottawa – October 13, 2005. Francis Scarpaleggia, Member of Parliament for Lac-Saint-Louis, welcomes the federal government’s announcement of $2.4 billion in energy rebates and economic incentives to address the impact of higher energy costs on Canadian households. However, while the West Island M.P. supports the new energy assitance package as a sound short-term measure, he reiterated the need for personal income tax cuts to counteract the effects of rising energy costs on Canada’s consumers and economy.

Last month, Scarpaleggia addressed the House of Commons during an emergency debate on gasoline prices, arguing that cutting personal income taxes is the most “reasonable, responsible, and rational [way to] compensate consumers in these difficult times.” In his remarks in the House, the Lac-Saint-Louis M.P. also called for immediate short-term measures to help those Canadians in most need to cope with the impact of the most recent increases in energy costs.

Although some have argued for a reduction of the GST on gasoline, Scarpaleggia maintains that the evidence strongly suggests such a measure would be ineffective. It would not result in lower prices but rather in a direct transfer of funds from consumers to oil companies. “This tax experiment [of cutting sales taxes on retail gasoline] has been tried unsuccessfully in the past,” said Scarpaleggia. “It has failed repeatedly, as when it was tried in New Brunswick in the early nineties, and again in the U.S. states of Indiana and Illinois in 2000. The fact that this solution is supported by the oil industry should make us wary. It is a quick and ineffective measure—mere window dressing—that would not bring about the kinds of changes in the gasoline market required to keep prices in check.”

The new federal package includes direct payments of $250 to those families entitled to receive the National Child Benefit Supplement in January 2006, $250 to senior couples where both spouses are entitled to receive the Guaranteed Income Supplement (GIS) in January 2006, and $125 to single seniors entitled to receive the GIS in January 2006. About 3.1 million payments totalling $565 million will be sent.

In addition to these direct energy rebates, the government has outlined $1.04 billion in incentives to assist low-income Canadians and public institutions like hospitals and schools upgrade their dwellings to make them more energy efficient and thus save money. These incentives include $500 million for direct financial assistance of between $3,500 to $5,000 to low-income households to defray the cost of items such as draft proofing, heating system upgrades and window replacement under the new EnerGuide for Low-Income Households (EGLIH) program.

Furthermore, the government will invest another $170 million in the EnerGuide for House Retrofit Incentive program, similar to the EGLIH program but not limited to low-income families. (Further information on the current House Retrofit Incentive program can be found in Francis Scarpaleggia’s latest newsletter to his constituents, available on his new website www.scarpaleggia.ca.)

The government will also amend the Competition Act to substantially increase fines for price-fixing (from $10 to $25 million) and give the Competition Bureau the ability to track competitive conditions in specific industry sectors—such as oil—on a continuing basis so it can act more quickly when it suspects anti-competitive behaviour.

Finally, the government is creating the Office of Petroleum Price Information to monitor energy price fluctuations and provide clear and timely information to Canadians about what is going on at any given moment in the retail gasoline market. “Information is power,” said Scarpaleggia in the House of Commons. The Lac-Saint-Louis M.P. believes that timely information on which oil companies may be profiteering from temporary oil shocks will help consumers in the purchasing decicions they make and allow governments to better monitor and pressure bad corporate citizens in this industry.

- 30 -

For further information, please contact Jeff Guignard, Special Assistant, at (514) 695-6661.


Press Release No. 2

From: Scarpaleggia, Francis - M.P. [mailto:ScarpF@parl.gc.ca]Sent: Wednesday, October 12, 2005 5:27 PMSubject: Recall: PRESS RELEASE / COMMUNIQUÉ
Scarpaleggia, Francis - M.P. would like to recall the message, "PRESS RELEASE / COMMUNIQUÉ".

Okay, two press releases were sent within an hour of each other by the MP for Lac-St-Louis in Quebec, Frances Scarpallegia. I have pasted them below for your interest but here's the redux:

Mr. Scarpallegia sends a press release on Wednesday at 4:30 pm saying that while the fuel rebate program crafted by the finance department is at least something, it is going to be largely useless. He proposes income tax cuts as the only way to deliver relief to a broadbase of Canadians suffering from higher energy prices. Two things:

1 - how very, well, er, Tory of him.
2 - how very, well, er, um-Liberal-like for criticising his government.

At 5.30 pm that same day, the MP issues a press release asking to ignore the 4.30 pm press release. Hmmm. Someone in the PMO get a little hot and bothered by the call for income tax cuts from the back bench?

Anyway, all this leads me to speculate that Mr. Scarpalleggia can be convinced to cross the floor and sit as the lone Quebec MP in the Tory caucus. Here are some reasons why he would, no should, cross the floor:

1) He voted with the Tories on SSM and against his government.
2) He believes in income tax cuts as the avenue to provide relief to Canadians.
3) He knows that the quickest way into Cabinet is through the Tory caucus.
4) He can make a significant contribution to Canada by providing a moderate, Quebec voice within the Tory caucus.

Owing to time constraints, I could not conduct a fully scientific poll of residents in his riding. However, my unscientific poll found the following:

66% of residents polled would be "sympathetic to their MP if he crossed the floor."
75% of residents polled would "support Frances Scarpallegia as a Tory in the next election."

Mr. Harper, have you called Mr. Scarpallegia lately?

I started this blog because everyone else has a blog these days. I'm one of those fellows who sees a bunch of people jump off a bridge and say to myself, "that looks interesting - I'll give it a try."

Here, I can be master of this tiny universe. I can rail and rant, wail and whine - no one will complain one bit.

So let me begin: Paul Martin is creepy. Discuss.