ChuckerCanuck 2.0

If this was a leftist blog, you would expect some overlong exposition of how sinister executives in Canada's film industry have secret ties to the neo-conservative cabal in the United States. Lots of talk about exclusive golf clubs and shared vacation destinations. The kind of thing that gets the average Canadian whipped into a terrified frenzy.

No, this blog is here to set out the strategy that will enable the right to seize control of a critical tool for propaganda: Canada's film industry.

Okay, stop laughing. Everyone can agree that Canadian films, actually english Canadian films, don't matter. Hardly anyone watches them and no one likes them, except the relatives of the industry's workforce. But this is precisely why it will be soeasy to take over.

The audiences are so pitiful for english Canadian movies that the government remains a vital source of funding. Even a governmentas fiscally diarehtic as Martin's Liberals can only support so much and these limits prove to be the ultimate constraints on the existing industry.

If Conservatives made Canadian films that people actually wanted to see, then conservatives could fund their part of the film industry entirely through ticket sales - thus freeing itself from the limitations of government funding. The key here is making movies people want to see.

Films made in english Canada currently fall into three basic genres: tragedy, historical tragedy, and youth-oriented tragedy. When the plot doesn't spin on a busload of dead school children, its about the risks of coal mining at the turn of the century or how traffic accidents on the Don Valley Parkway induce Torontonians to group sex.

But our films - Conservative films - will be fun to watch! It will be a revolution in the Canadian
film industry: films people enjoy watching. Films with aliens, zombies, escapees from the local mental hospital on a stormy night with no power. Movies about charming hackers and gigolo grifters.

Above all we will abide by the two-rule code of popular film:

Rule 1. (and its male corrolary) Unless the character is necessarily an ugly person, cast the knock-out.
Rule 2. Never use a script with ugly people as characters.

If we make movies that people will want to watch, then suddenly, Canadian movies will become potent propaganda tools at our exclusive disposal. Time to put out the collection hat to finance our first blockbuster.

More to come...